How young is too young? -- Thoughts anyone?

[fish4kitty]

I was 21 my wife was 18. Been married going on 18 years. She gave up her education to start our family. She still wishes we would have waited and let her get her education. Not that being married has been bad BUT she never finished school. Man and I a fortunate man. I count my blessings daily. God has been so good to us. Schooling or no schooling she sure is awesome. I'd like to see a degree get 4 kids to three different schools by 8 am and still go to work at another school and be back at other 3 schools to pick kids up and fix supper get laundry done and everything else she does that I don't even know about. Talk about multitasking...She is awesome.....I love her so much I can't even imagine life without her.

[debi56]

It is so awesome that you feel this way about her. I am sure she is just as lucky to have you.

[Over43]

Alright.....this may sound childish/teenagerish/whatever -- but I'm always happy to get advice from people, and it never hurts to ask I suppose...

My boyfriend and I have been dating for the better part of three years (good friends for longer than that). We are planning on getting married this coming summer. He's been out on mission, is back, and I was baptized while he was gone. I am the only LDS member in my family.

Now, we've been discussing with my family (parents and siblings) that we want to get married. I'm 19, he's 21, and I'm a freshman in college. I'm in a pre-veterinary program, and coupled with vet school, I will be in college for a minimum of 8 years. He currently is working, but will be taking a few classes this spring towards his degree. The college he will be attending back home (we live about two hours apart) has a campus about 10 minutes from my university, so neither of us would be giving up an education. We've talked alot about marriage, what it means to be married, and how difficult it very well may be getting married at such a young age.

Here's the dilemma. My mother, when she was 18, became pregnant, married the father of her child, and gave up all of her educational dreams to start a family. That marriage ended in divorce. She is extremely concerned that I will give up my education for the same thing. She claims that we are simply "too young" to understand what marriage is, how it will be, etc. That people change and we'll probably end up divorcing. Basically, she would much rather he and I "shack up" for 8 years while I finish schooling than get married.

Mind you, both he and I refuse to live with each other before marriage (for obvious reasons).

I know most LDS marry young, but my question to you is, how young is too young?

For what it's worth I was 23 fortwo months when I got married and my wife was 19 1/2. We've been married 22 years now. I have a friend who is marrying for the first time in May at 44. The only gift he wants from me is to know how a marriage can last that long. I don't think there is a secret as long as you remember that marriage is not in the similitude of throw away contact lenses.

O43

[Hemidakota]

This advise I offered my third daughter when she got sealed in the San Diego Temple, do not have any children until you have finally completed your education. I do agree with Pam on this issue that every daughter should have a decent education. It can only enhanced the family and rearing of children.

[Shera]

I think that is a hard question to answer because I feel that it is such an individual thing. I was 19 when I got married and I totally felt that it was right, and i was ready. However my brother is engaged to a 19 year old who is so immature and shallow that I really think they will struggle. (that's my opinion) My grandma was married at 16...Her father had died and her mother really struggled so she basically raised the family. At 16 she was ready to be married. On the other hand, I know some people who are in their late 40's but are not ready for marriage. Everyone is at a different stage in their life that's why I think it is an individual thing.

My strongest opinion is that if you know you have found "the one", why put it off? Why delay your progression and joy? If you put your trust in God, things will fall into place.

Your mom is right that marriage is hard. I never fought once with my fiance, but once he was my husband we definetely had our differences. But we love each other and work them out. We had to learn to compromise and serve eachother. I thought Pres. Hinckley's advice was the best ever..... something like......"love your spouse just a little bit more than you love yourself". Great advice!

I think marriage is hard at a young age because it's new, we have spent most of our lives focusing on and pleasing ourselves, and then you get married and so much of it is about the other person. But I also think that getting married young, and for the right reasons, is wonderful becuase it allows you to grow together. You learn and experience things together. You're still learning who you are and developing that person, so it's great to do that together!

I think that if others think you are too young, you need to help them to realize that you are ready. That you are mature and responsible enough to work through problems and challenges. .... and also that you have goals and a plan to reach them. ......But ultimately it is your decision, so make it a good one and one that you are willing to work your hardest at! :) .......... just a few thoughts.

[RachelleDrew]

My husband was 19 when we married. So far, no complaints from either of us.

Would I suggest marriage to a couple who has not completed school? Not generally, it takes a very special type of young adult to marry at such an age. I'm not necessarily speaking about maturity either. My husband and I are quite childish in a lot of ways, but we make up for it in patience, understanding and communication. These aren't attributes that you develop at any certain age.

I think that a lot of times we have our age in our favor, but this isn't true for most people. We got married at the age we did because we made plans and goals for our future and realized that we would actually have a better start if we got married then as opposed to five years down the road. We would have missed out on a lot of educational and career opportunities had we waited. However, the opposite is true for most people.

The decision you come to is going to be completely unique to YOUR situation. This is true no matter what age you decide to marry him, be it 19 or 30.

I certainly don't suggest having children until you have established careers. The money is an issue, but the biggest factor here is the pressure, the stress and a BIG lack of face time you are going to get with your kids while you are going to school. As someone who has been there, it's very difficult to be a student, a wife, an employee and a mother all at the same time. Sure it's possible, but why put yourself and your family through unnecessary stress?

Ultimately, this is YOUR decision. Think about it, pray about it and ask people who you respect for their guidance. Take a critical look at your future with your husband, and think about it from all angles. Do a search for pre-marital counselors in your area and utilize them if you can. Also, if you are not already independent from your parents financially, I suggest that the two of you start making steps in that direction BEFORE you get married. Try moving out on your own and paying all of your bills (not together of course, but by yourself or with a room mate). If you aren't already doing it, then it may give you a much different perspective after taking care of yourself for a while. The skill to survive on your own won't magically appear once you leave the temple.

It's a big decision, but it's your decision. Forever is a long time, and that time spent with your husband will either be a blessing or a curse.

Good luck, and let us know how everything turns out okay?

Edited November 11, 2008 by RachelleDrew

[Shera]

As a member of the church I think that getting your education is extrememly important, and yes, the prophets have spoken of how great it is for women to get their education. But God has commanded us to have children. It is the higher and more important law than that of getting an education. You can always go back to school, but the longer you put off your family, the harder it is to start. I'm not saying you have to start the day after you're married, there certainly are maturity issues and getting used to your spouse, but we are commanded to multiply and replenish the earth. I never regret for 1 second having my children early. They bring my life more joy than I ever, ever could have imagined possible.

[RandomEquine]

As a member of the church I think that getting your education is extrememly important, and yes, the prophets have spoken of how great it is for women to get their education. But God has commanded us to have children. It is the higher and more important law than that of getting an education. You can always go back to school, but the longer you put off your family, the harder it is to start. I'm not saying you have to start the day after you're married, there certainly are maturity issues and getting used to your spouse, but we are commanded to multiply and replenish the earth. I never regret for 1 second having my children early. They bring my life more joy than I ever, ever could have imagined possible.

This is true! And he and I want children -- no doubt about it! Yes, with as much schooling as I'm going through, we *may* get a late start on having a family (first child at 28 or so) but my education is very important to me as well. I certainly hope I will never have to support myself and my children alone, but if I have to, with a good education, I can do it.

Unfortunately, with the program I'm in, it's not exactly something you can go for a couple years, take a few years off for children, and then come back an finish. Vet schools across the country would laugh in my face for doing that -- you either go all the way through, or quit with your bachelors.

Plus we don't want to bring children into the world unless we are certain we can support them and give them everything they need. Having children while in school would greatly decrease the time I would get to spend with them -- and we all know how important mother/child bonding is.

For everyone who has been following, my parents and our families have softened to the idea a bit more, understanding that we've thought and talked and prayed about this. We've talked with our stake president as well -- we know this is right :-)

[Puppenstein]

I was watching Oprah today - and no I don't regularly quote it but she was talking to Beyonce about Marriage and the comment that Beyonce had was that you need to have your own life before you become someone's wife. I think that there is real value in that and of course the previous advice with praying and talking it over is so important. It is much more difficult to go back to school after starting a family than to start a family after finishing school in my honest opinion. I don't regret for one moment choosing to finish school first. It was time that I really got the opportunity to gain some independence and accomplish so much. It was only a couple of years - college doesn't last forever (okay for some it does;)) but for me it was three years which isn't long in the grand scheme of things. My mom got married at 19 and regretted that she didn't finish college - she didn't regret having my sisters and I of course, but it was important to her. She stressed the importance as long as I could remember and my sisters and I were the first family members to graduate from four-year colleges and that brought her so much joy.

I wish all the best for you...just thought I would add my two cents plus some. :)

[Shera]

Well you sound like a really nice person and you seem to have it figured out. I wish you the best!

[Guest Alana]

Not too young at all. The main concern is, what if you DO get pregnant? Even on birth control people get pregnant. If this happens, you need to be sure you are both ok with this and agree on what will happen at that point. If you're having sex, you can get pregnant and don't think of it as just some 'it happens to other people' kind of thing, it happens a lot! SO that would be my main concern. My sister got married when she was 18 and my main worry for her was that neither of them had a chance to be out on their own yet. SO, when the stress of learning how to pay bills on time and realizing your taxes are late and your apartment isn't giving your deposit back (basically lots of financial issues) hit, it took a toll on their marriage.

[japacific]

I don't think age is a good way to decide whether or not someone is mature enough for anything.

[pam]

I don't think age is a good way to decide whether or not someone is mature enough for anything.

I agree with you on that. I've seen some pretty mature 15 year olds and some pretty immature 30 year olds.

[lilered]

A couple of points on this subject. When ones parents got married, a higher education wasn't as important then as it is today. Parents used to marry younger, get a job and stay with the employer the rest of their life. Now however, the work place is a much different enviroment. People move more, change employers frequently, mass layoffs, job firings, etc.. All of these dictate a much greater need for higher education. A High School Education is simply not enough. In fact, it is getting to where a Bachelors Degree may not land one a job. Thus a college education is more valuable for marred couples, especially if one or the other should lose their job. Your childrens college education will be much more expensive to obtain than ours was. As for the old enough to marry question. Most parents areconcerned their babies are too young to get married, the same as their folks were. Its a parent thing. They made their decisions and you ultimatly will have to make yours. Just keep in mind that with a hgher education, the success rate for your marriage will increase.

[crocodile300]

I really don't think that there is a "too young". I believe though, that there is a "too immature". Having been married twice, both ending in divorce, I would definitely say that you both need to make sure that you leave no concerns undiscussed. Both of my wives were afraid to leave their parents behind, the first one flat refused to move out of her parents' house, and the second one moved her mom in with us. I'm not saying that marriage is bad, because when it's good, there's nothing better on Earth. But if there are problems, it feels like there can be nothing worse. There are a LOT of aspects of married life that should be discussed, including the "embarrassing topics", it's best to have them discussed and out of the way before you've gotten married and realize that you're completely incompatible in more than one aspect. Just be completely honest with each other, and don't rush into it.

[Guest DeborahC]

I personally think that if you two love each other, you should get married.

You can support each other while you both finish college, and put off children until you're ready.

But I'll tell you what, I had my first child at 19 and there is a REASON we become of childbearing age at 19 -- we're strong and able to chase kids, that's why!

I took care of my granddaughter all weekend and after about 5 hours, I was totally exhausted. Her mother waited until age 35 to have her, and boy, is she sorry! I don't care what anyone says, it's harder to chase kids after 30 than it is at 19 or 20!!

A career is fine... but our goal isn't Eternal Careers... we're working for Eternal FAMILIES, right?

[Guest DeborahC]

And as far as what's "too young" .... puberty is there for a reason... biologically we are ready to have children while we are young and strong. It's society that is responsible for putting off marriage so long. My grandmothers were all married by 14 and having kids early. They had strong marriages that lasted until death. But that's what was expected of them back then. Now divorce is the norm. I do have one grandmother who has been married several times because she outlived all of her husbands. My mother was divorced very eary and my grandparents reared me. I personally have been a failure at marraige, but I blame that on my own faults.

[ztodd]

I definitely think it depends on the people, but there are a lot of 21 year old r.m. guys and 19 year old young women getting married! And I think a lot of them are probably "old enough", and probably a lot of them aren't.