Purity Balls

[Misshalfway]

So last night, I am flipping channels and came across this program about purity balls. From what I understand, these are created by Christian churches as a way to teach young women their value and to save any gesture of sexual affection for marriage. They plan these elaborate dances and the girls get all dressed up and their fathers escort them. They make covenants to their fathers and the father make covenants with God to keep their daughters protected. The girls promise not to have sex until marriage. From what I could tell, girls even saved kissing for the alter and let their parents determine their marriage partners. They described this practice as a movement as more and more families and churches were conducting these balls every year.

They described how they want fathers and daughters to have a very close relationship and how fathers help determine whether or not a girl with go to other men to find out if she is beautiful or desirable or not.

I watched this program with interest as I am glad to see fathers take such caring interest in their daughters and to see such a focus on chastity. I am unsure though, how I feel about the extremes in the dogma here.

Anyway, I thought I would open the discussion and also ask why they put such a focus on the virtue of the girls? Why not just as much focus on teaching the boys the same values?

[Guest Alana]

Reminds me of any book or show set in the Victorian age. Where it was improper for a girl to even walk with a man without a chaperon. Where chase kisses could even be scandalous. In the mean time the young men, when they want to get away from it all, go some lewd part of town with loose and 'friendly' women and drinking and general debauchery. Most of the stories I've read were probably written by women. Bitter women. But anways. Chastity and virtue... isn't that what we teach our families in our homes? Boys and girls? I hope it is. I'm not down for it being such a public event, maybe cause I dont' like getting dressed up and paraded around for being how pure I am. It is an interesting way to go about it. One thing though, I didn't date at all when I was a teenager. The idea of introducing a date to my father terrified me. He encouraged me not to date, not even while in college. I wish he had. I would have enjoyed being able to interact with a boy and not be so nervous, to learn how to be friends. Do the group dating thing. It would have helped me when dating for marriage. To be friends first, casually, with boundaries that we set up and respect because we believe in them. Do the right thing when no one was looking.

[prisonchaplain]

IMHO, such balls are not wrong, but perhaps only half the work. Sons should be taught to respect their girl friends, and to look beyond beauty to intelligence, spirituality, and industriousness. Further, they need to learn to excell in themselves, so that they will be ready to provide for a family, when the time comes.

Perhaps some aspects of this will seem extreme, but, if the producer of the program was PBS, or some other secular outlet, they may be looking on with skeptical and even jaundiced lenses.

[Guest Alana]

So thought about it for about 10 minutes more (Alana's thinking?!?!) and you know, they could be a fun. Not my taste, but I have plenty of friends growing up that I know would absolutely grab onto this idea. Though, are there no boys there, just the fathers?

[Misshalfway]

Well, the program didn't profile the boys as much, but the one family (I think 5 daughters and 2 sons) did have their sons present at the event. From a girls point of view, it would be fun to dress up and have a fuss made over your from your father. It is one heck of a "daddy daughter date." :)

I guess I wonder why it wouldn't be of equally high importance to have the boys sign to their commitments to abstinence before marriage as well.

[hordak]

Anyway, I thought I would open the discussion and also ask why they put such a focus on the virtue of the girls? Why not just as much focus on teaching the boys the same values?

IMO, Don't have stats to back this up but most women if not all that i have known who were un chaste had "Daddy issues" A lot of young girls seek out positive male attention due to the lack of it at home.Girls seek it out for acceptance.

Boys on the other hand seek it out based on instinct.IMO.When they do seek out sex for acceptance its because of there friends and time with mommy would do nothing to curtail that.

[Misshalfway]

IMO, Don't have stats to back this up but most women if not all that i have known who were un chaste had "Daddy issues" A lot of young girls seek out positive male attention due to the lack of it at home.Girls seek it out for acceptance.

Boys on the other hand seek it out based on instinct.IMO.When they do seek out sex for acceptance its because of there friends and time with mommy would do nothing to curtail that.

Yes. And this is one of the things that I appreciated about the movement. I DO think that Fathers are so instrumental in how girls see themselves. And girls do look to men for validation. That is absolutely true. Again, another reason why I am happy to see fathers engaging with needs of their daughters.

I do think I worry that there is alot of shame taught about sexual expression here. Dating wasn't encouraged....even innocent dating. I suppose I wondered about that. In my mind and the way I was raised, it was very possible to have an active social life without engaging in sexual relations. It felt like these parents had somehow equated the two.

[Elphaba]

This reminds me of the "second virgination" movement.

It's Never Too Late To Be a Virgin - New York Times

Elphaba

[hordak]

In my mind and the way I was raised, it was very possible to have an active social life without engaging in sexual relations. .

Your showing you age:p

But seriously I think it is pretty common in this day and age to link dating and sex.

[BenRaines]

Oh wow, hordak called you old in a nice way.

So by hordak's definition you can't have an active social life, go out with members of the opposite sex, without have sexual relations? Man I am old and so are my 20 something children.

Ben Raines

[pam]

So glad you have finally come to that realization Ben. I've been telling you that for years.

[hordak]

Oh wow, hordak called you old in a nice way.

So by hordak's definition you can't have an active social life, go out with members of the opposite sex, without have sexual relations? Man I am old and so are my 20 something children.

Ben Raines

No, don't get me wrong I'm not saying you can't. I'm saying society blends the 2 together.

.

[BenRaines]

Ah, I guess that is why we get the idea of being in the world but not of the world. I live in the world but do not accept many of it's acceptable practices.

Thanks,

Ben Raines

[WillowTheWhisp]

Second virgination? That just doesn't make sense. You are either a virgin or not. What is to be gained by having a sexual relationship and then stopping when you decide to get married?

When my 2nd husband and I got engaged he moved to the town where I live and rented a house round the corner. Every evening he went home to his house. He came to mine for meals and to watch TV and we went out on dates but after that he went home. I was a widow and he a widower but we maintained standards.

[RachelleDrew]

I like the idea of commitments and vows to remain pure if the teen thinks that it will help them in their goal.

However, at most of the purity balls in this area the girls promise their virginity to their fathers until they are wed. Which I think is psychologically damaging in my opinion. I don't like the idea of men being in control of a female's sexuality, to me it sends the wrong message. Father's shouldn't "own" their daughter's hymen.

[Kirajo]

In another view of these points...I was thinking about the LDS church and how we teach sexual purity. From my experience ( mine..and i know everyones different), it felt like the boys at church were hounded relentlessly about staying pure and had all these serious talks. Even in Seminary they had this big deal where they seperated the boys into one classroom and the girls into another and we were told that we were all going to be having a somewhat in depth discussion on the do's and don'ts.

Come to find out, while I was in my class, we played games. So when the class was over I asked my male friend what they did and he was mortified because they went into discussions ( for the millionth time) about what men should and should not do on dates, ect. in their class.

The girls in the LDS church in my opinion are NOT taught at the extent that the boys are. And I also feel that girls are equally responsible for whether or not a boy decides to "make a move." So what do you think about THAT?? haha, do you think our young men are hounded only to realize that he meets a young LDS girl that lets him push the envelope just a liiiittle farther?

None of that has to do with fathers teaching daughters and purity balls. But it goes along witht he question of whether or not the young men are being taught in the same way the young women are. I for one, applaud Christian churches for teaching girls to stay pure, but perhaps they don't need to go to extremes. ( if that is in fact what they are doing.)

[Elgama]

maybe its the Brit in me but I watched a documentary about them a while back and found them creepy, I would not want my parents especially my Father taking that level of interest in my sexuality and I am pretty open about sex.

Also I think its something that should be expected rather than a big deal, make purity into a bid deal to teens and sex by definition becomes a big deal.

-Charley

[abqfriend]

The idea of Purity balls is a good one-but as has been mentioned-it may only address half the problem or less.

Men tend to be more sexually active than women so-

There should be similar for boys/men as much as for girls/women.

So why does the father -attend with the daughter?

Should it not be both parents-if both are available?

I would encourage a similar program with a different name for boys/men.

Purity does not stop at age 18 or 21.

-Carol