How do I support my husband?

[candyprpl]

Is it wrong for me to question my husband's worthiness to hold the priesthood? I'm hurting so much right now over my own thoughts. I don't ask him for blessings when I need them because I don't believe in his worthiness. How terrible is that!!!!!

He's always complaining about other people and their worthiness and it drives me crazy! The minute we get out of Church on Sundays he starts up with how, 'so and so did this or that', or so and so said...' If I try to say anything it just starts a fight -- so I remain quiet and fume while he rants. He's a truck driver and I hate it when he calls other drivers names like, jerk, idiot and a lot of times the B word.

The other night I couldn't hold my temper. We were watching the news and the subject of gay marriage, etc. came up and he said, "We should just get rid of those F (derogatory term for gay)." Now I know that he hasn't been a member for a long time and I try to give him some room when it comes to understanding the gospel, but.....he has been a member long enough and is in the Elder Quorum presidency as Second Counselor and should know by now that statements like that are appalling to say the least. I'm afraid I let him have it. "I said that they are our brothers and sisters and we should love them the same way we love each other." He replied, "They can't be members. They would be excomunicated if they were." I said, "They most certainly can and are members." He looked at me and said, "I hope not." I was shocked, I just look at him. I couldn't say anything more. He has shown bigotry in other forms as well.

It saddens me that he doesn't seem to grasp our Savior's teachings. I haven't been a member very long either but some things are very clear to me.

He gets very defensive when I bring up these concerns and we end up in a fight. Daily, almost hourly, I pray that his heart will be softened and that my words will not come out offensive.

What else can I do? How can I overcome my feelings/thoughts that he is unworthy? When I hear a sister say they are grateful for the priesthood in their home -- I get very sad because of my thoughts. I don't feel like I have the priesthood in my home.

[MrsHart]

First of all, ::HUGS::

I feel so angry for you as I read this post! Without regurgitating what you have said, I would just like to say that I understand where you're coming from. If I were you, I would not feel comfortable in asking him for his blessings either, since I know that deep in my heart, I wouldn't *feel* that he's worthy as well. Just my opinion, but that is not what I would want in a person who holds the priesthood, so I don't blame you at all. You shouldn't force yourself to overcome your feelings. I suppose that you can feel sorry for him and pray for him, but you are feeling how you feel because you are following the teaching properly; accepting HIS actions and opinions are the ones that are contrary to what we have been taught. Loving your husband does not mean that you have to accept his actions and beliefs at all.

Perhaps he will change for the better; perhaps he won't. The only way to support him is to be patient with him, and pray for him, since there really isn't much of an alternative here (and the alternative is frowned upon by many anyway). Have you brought him to talk to your bishop?

Edited November 19, 2008 by MrsHart

[Wingnut]

I'd be disgusted with his language and attitude whether he was a member of the Church or not, or a Priesthood holder or not.

It's not up to you to decide his worthiness. If you are concerned about it and feel that you cannot ask for a blessing from him or are not comfortable doing so, there are a few options.

(1) You could ask your home teacher(s) for a blessing. This creates a bit of a sticky situation, though, as they will wonder why you don't just ask your husband, whom they know is in the Eldre's Quorum Presidency.

(2) You can make an appointment to meet with your Bishop to discuss with him your concerns about your husband. Tell him about your efforts to already share your concerns with your husband, and if you are right in assuming he is unworthy. You Bishop can help guide you in what to do with regards to your husband.

Unfortunately, this sounds a little less like a behavior issue than an attitude issue. Attitude is harder to change.

[countrygirl66]

Is it wrong for me to question my husband's worthiness to hold the priesthood? I'm hurting so much right now over my own thoughts. I don't ask him for blessings when I need them because I don't believe in his worthiness. How terrible is that!!!!!

He's always complaining about other people and their worthiness and it drives me crazy! The minute we get out of Church on Sundays he starts up with how, 'so and so did this or that', or so and so said...' If I try to say anything it just starts a fight -- so I remain quiet and fume while he rants. He's a truck driver and I hate it when he calls other drivers names like, jerk, idiot and a lot of times the B word.

The other night I couldn't hold my temper. We were watching the news and the subject of gay marriage, etc. came up and he said, "We should just get rid of those F (derogatory term for gay)." Now I know that he hasn't been a member for a long time and I try to give him some room when it comes to understanding the gospel, but.....he has been a member long enough and is in the Elder Quorum presidency as Second Counselor and should know by now that statements like that are appalling to say the least. I'm afraid I let him have it. "I said that they are our brothers and sisters and we should love them the same way we love each other." He replied, "They can't be members. They would be excomunicated if they were." I said, "They most certainly can and are members." He looked at me and said, "I hope not." I was shocked, I just look at him. I couldn't say anything more. He has shown bigotry in other forms as well.

It saddens me that he doesn't seem to grasp our Savior's teachings. I haven't been a member very long either but some things are very clear to me.

He gets very defensive when I bring up these concerns and we end up in a fight. Daily, almost hourly, I pray that his heart will be softened and that my words will not come out offensive.

What else can I do? How can I overcome my feelings/thoughts that he is unworthy? When I hear a sister say they are grateful for the priesthood in their home -- I get very sad because of my thoughts. I don't feel like I have the priesthood in my home.

I feel sad that you are struggling so much. My h and I have had our ups and downs. Here are a few things that helped me. During difficult times I have prayed to see my h the way heavenly father sees him. This also helps me to look at myself differently. Instead of seeing just his faults or stumblings I am able to see the areas where he really excells. (supporting us financially, being faithful and loyal to me, trying to stay on the path) Also (for me) fighting over prejudice or cuss words or driving (communications?) never solves anything or changes anything. Instead if I find a quiet moment to present my feelings in a way that he doesn't feel attacked it helps. I get really defensive if I feel attacked myself. ex - I shared an experience of my grandmother being treated poorly because she was a (white trash indian). I told him how sad I felt about it. Talked about the blessings promised her in the scriptures and asked him if he thought heavenly father would still bless her even though she was never into organized religion. It gave us a chance to talk about prejiduce. We still have many different opinions on things, (even sometimes the gospel practices). But I have seen him and me grow and progress over 23 years of marriage. I have realized that sometimes being worthy means that you are trying and learning. I think Heavenly Father knows us perfectly and what is in our hearts. I also find it helps to remind myself of the things I love about him and remember why I fell in love with him. Is he worthy? IDK It is something that is between him and the lord. (In my case my h has a fobia about giving blessings, so I get them few and far between). Does that make him a bad priesthood holder? no It means he is learning, just like me. Good luck I hope you find some peace. :)

[Guest DeborahC]

You cannot change other people.

But you CAN change your feelings and reactions to them.

Just consider that it could be your Ego that is the problem. You are embarrassed that he thinks and talks this way because you feel it is a reflection on you.

But it is not.

He has his own free will and is responsible for his own thoughts, feelings, and actions.

You are only responsible for yours.

So you have three choices.

You can change the situation - but you obviously cannot change him.

You can walk away - which would mean divorcing him, and I don't think you want that.

You can change yourself, and accept him - and pray for him - and pray for your own strength to accept and love him.

Do you doubt that God can work miracles?

Many Bishops came from such a place as your husband sits, I've read.

[dinkidi]

I think a lot of people will understand where you are coming from. When I look around my ward and stake I see plenty of people who's understanding of the gospel is limited. The thing is that we all learn at different paces and some people may never fully grasp certain things. That is why we are all going to be judged individually according to our own standards. I have similar problems to you and when I spoke to the Stake President about it he recomended that I change my prayers to asking for help for me; to give me strength and guidance. When I did that I no longer had to keep bitting my tongue because I felt a reassuring spirit around me. I also did ask for blessings because doing that brought him in closer proximity to the spirit. I also made sure we did family scripture study and prayer each day. The important thing to remember is that we do not have the power to change anyone but Heavenly Father does. Be patient with your husband - he is coming to church and if you keep nagging him he might stop. He'll get there but it is just taking him longer.

[Misshalfway]

I think that there are two issues here on the table. One, worthiness to hold and use the priesthood, and Two, dislike of a persons attitudes.

Only a priesthood leader could determine someones worthiness. Priesthood holders are not perfect. And they aren't required to be. I think priesthood power and sensitivity to the spirit IS compromised with any less than righteous behavior or thinking. But, I guess I see that as an effectiveness issue rather than a worthiness one.

I think that we are all in process. Rough stones rolling, as it were. We all have that dang natural man to deal with. Sometimes our spouses can see our flaws and failings. And sometimes may be in a position to help us with them. I know with my own weakness, I do better when someone comes to me with kind suggestions or perhaps deeper searching questions about why I may feel or see the world the way I do. It is also helpful when they talk about the good they see in me as they nudge me to higher ground.

In this case, maybe you speaking your mind IS helping him even if he outwardly continues the argument. Perhaps over time, he will slowly make the changes you wish to see.

I know in my situation, it has been helpful for me to pray and ask Heavenly Father to lend me His mind on my H's weaknesses with regards to how I should be viewing them, and then with what role I might take in effecting change, if any. Sometimes, I learn that it is me that needs to learn something too. Which chaps a little on occasion. :)

If your H is imperfect but worthy, that is one thing. If your H is legitamately unworthy, that is something else. Having said that, I know what it is like to look at two priesthood holders and trust ones righteousness over another based upon the feel of their spirits and I have felt the difference in blessings given.

[Hemidakota]

Is it wrong for me to question my husband's worthiness to hold the priesthood? I'm hurting so much right now over my own thoughts. I don't ask him for blessings when I need them because I don't believe in his worthiness. How terrible is that!!!!!

He's always complaining about other people and their worthiness and it drives me crazy! The minute we get out of Church on Sundays he starts up with how, 'so and so did this or that', or so and so said...' If I try to say anything it just starts a fight -- so I remain quiet and fume while he rants. He's a truck driver and I hate it when he calls other drivers names like, jerk, idiot and a lot of times the B word.

The other night I couldn't hold my temper. We were watching the news and the subject of gay marriage, etc. came up and he said, "We should just get rid of those F (derogatory term for gay)." Now I know that he hasn't been a member for a long time and I try to give him some room when it comes to understanding the gospel, but.....he has been a member long enough and is in the Elder Quorum presidency as Second Counselor and should know by now that statements like that are appalling to say the least. I'm afraid I let him have it. "I said that they are our brothers and sisters and we should love them the same way we love each other." He replied, "They can't be members. They would be excomunicated if they were." I said, "They most certainly can and are members." He looked at me and said, "I hope not." I was shocked, I just look at him. I couldn't say anything more. He has shown bigotry in other forms as well.

It saddens me that he doesn't seem to grasp our Savior's teachings. I haven't been a member very long either but some things are very clear to me.

He gets very defensive when I bring up these concerns and we end up in a fight. Daily, almost hourly, I pray that his heart will be softened and that my words will not come out offensive.

What else can I do? How can I overcome my feelings/thoughts that he is unworthy? When I hear a sister say they are grateful for the priesthood in their home -- I get very sad because of my thoughts. I don't feel like I have the priesthood in my home.

There is something wrong with him that he is not living up too. If I can be personal, what is his church calling? And yes! You are doing the right in asking GOD for help and I do expect your prayers will eventually be answered and foresee something will come to humble him.

Candy, we as men need something to complain about sometimes and usually it will pile up in our partner's lap.

[Hemidakota]

Now, I will disagree on the point of knowing 'worthiness'. Women, you are a partner in that priesthood and can determine his worthiness via the Spirit. This is where the Spirit will share some insight to other partner on what is going on if she is listening.

[Wingnut]

IIn this case, maybe you speaking your mind IS helping him even if he outwardly continues the argument. Perhaps over time, he will slowly make the changes you wish to see.

While this may be true, the opposite could also be true. The more you speak your mind, the more it grates on him, and the farther away he goes, instead of coming back to the middle.

Seek the guidance of the Spirit in discussing with him your feeling and concerns about his attitudes and language.

[Kyra]

I feel that as wives, it's up to us to say something when our husband's are doing things that would make them unworthy to hold the priesthood. Not in a derogatory or angry way of course, but lovingly. There have been times that my husband has come to me and told me that I'm not being the best wife and mother. It made me mad at first, but I thought about it and he was right. I think we need to do the same for them. In fact, just yesterday I told my husband for the first time in almost 7 years of marriage that he needed to shape up because he's not doing what he should be as a worthy priesthood holder. He argued with me and said that he wasn't doing anything bad, which he's not. But he's also not doing all the good that he should be, none of the basics. We talked about it for awhile and he promised me that he would start trying harder.

To me it's kind of like checks and balances. Husbands and wives should balance each other out, and when one of them is out of line or slacking in some way, the other needs to point it out and help them fix it. I feel like it's part of my responsilibity as a mother to do everything possible to help my husband out so that we have the priesthood in our home.

So obviously I don't think there's anything wrong with you having a conversation with your husband about this, just try to make it non-judgmental. I'm sorry that you're having to deal with this, I hope things get better for you. :)

[candyprpl]

Thanks all so much. We've only been married 3 years and we were sealed 2 years ago. I've known from the start that our upbrinings were very different and I would have to be understanding. He's a 'country boy' with a cowboy attitude (I say that with love -- my dad was too) and he has overcome a lot of his prejudices but sometimes it grates on my sensitivites. Like I said in my OP, most of the time I just let it pass and pray that the spirit will soon teach him differently.(

(Hemi -- he's second counselor in the Elder's Quorum).

I know I'm not perfect in my understandings and that we learn 'precept upon precept' but it still concerns me that he doesn't get some of the basic gospel.

I know I can't change his attitude, that I can only change mine -- that's the problem -- I don't know how to change my attitude. I can't accept his behavior sometimes because it goes against what the Savior teaches. I feel the Spirit withdraw and I don't like that. It's hard enough striving to always have the Spirit with you -- if you know what I mean.

I have wanted to talk to the Bishop but I don't want to march my husband into a meeting and start saying these things in front of him, it would seem like an attack and yet, I don't want to 'go behind his back' to meet with the Bishop.

My problems with whether or not he's worthy to hold the priesthood is not for me to decide -- I realize that and accept that -- but how do I change my attitude my feelings about that? It's the most awful feeling!! I can't stress that enough, how much I'm suffering with this. I love my husband and I love that he's active. I know there are probably many sisters who would love to have my problem because their husbands are either not active or not members. I'm sorry if I come off like a crybaby.

It's just hard, what more can I say.

[candyprpl]

Now, I will disagree on the point of knowing 'worthiness'. Women, you are a partner in that priesthood and can determine his worthiness via the Spirit. This is where the Spirit will share some insight to other partner on what is going on if she is listening.

I missed this post when I was reading. I'm not sure I understand your point. Are saying that I may be getting promptings about his worthiness? And if that's the case -- what do I do?

Kyra -- I was posting the same time you were. I do try to have non-judgemental conversations with him. I wait for the moment of anger to pass and then address the issue but it still doesn't seem to have much affect or still may turn into mud-slinging. He's a very proud man and I don't know how to let him know that the reason I bring things up is because I love him, not because I want to find fault with him.

I know the Lord brought us together. If I could set all of you down and tell my whole boring story you would see how I know this.

Oh, by the way everyone -- today's our anniversary. Interesting that I brought this up today.

[Fiannan]

While this may be true, the opposite could also be true. The more you speak your mind, the more it grates on him, and the farther away he goes, instead of coming back to the middle.

Seek the guidance of the Spirit in discussing with him your feeling and concerns about his attitudes and language.

Absolutely correct.:)

The relationship described seems rather confrontational. It seems he may be overprovocative for whatever reason (highly histeronic perhaps) but so is the wife -- seems ready to pounce once something is said that she disagrees with.

Problem is, when the yelling begins (or the temptation to yell) the higher order areas of the brain shut down -- reasoning basically stops. You are in a neaurological fight or flight mode so the endorphine system is pumping adrenaline as well as seratonin and a bunch of other chemicals that put the body on alert. At this point the couple may as well be a couple of chimps fighting over a monkey both want to eat as far as true communication is concerned.

Both husband and wife need to seek God as well as seek better ways to communicate. Can a person be a good member of the Church and cheer when he or she reads about God nuking Sodom? Sure. Would hauling him in front of a bishop help? Might, or they both might wind up sharing their favorite gay jokes. There is no worthiness question dealing with his negative attitude towrds homosexuals unless is translates out to him intentionally hurting people -- come to think of it, it's like the issue of homosexual feelings (if not acted upon or lusted upon thre is no punishment for the person having them. However, maybe if you want him or her to think about his position ask how they would feel if a son or daughter became gay or would he help a stranded driver if he found out it was a lesbian. Get a conversation going.

At the same time my experience has been that the Relief Society is more apt to rip on members of the ward and spread gossip. I even knew one wife whose husband was in the bishopric who at least once listened through the wall as her husband was meeting with a man in her ward and then called the wife up and let her know what they were talking about. So it's not unusual for people to commit major sins like gossip but maybe ask the husband something that will allow him to find good qualities about the people he's jumping on. Don't just wait to jump his case.

One last thing, the sad part of such bickering is that due to the hormonal infusions into the body some people can eventually get addicted to fighting as much as getting addicted to caffeine. Be careful -- and that goes for any husband or wife out there.

Edited November 19, 2008 by Fiannan

[Elgama]

when you first dated him and married him what were the qualities you admired, does he still have them:?

I know when my husband went through his Rip Van Winkle phase (a severe depression when he took to his bed and his hair and beard grew and grew lol) - what kept me going was I knew underneath the hair was a kind, gentle, wise, wonderful father, and special man who I adored. When I focus on my husband's many amazing talents and qualities and treasure them his negatives seem a lot less of a problem to me, things I thought were huge problems become blips.

I also know nothing gives my husband the power to progress and grow in the gospel more than knowing he is loved and adored, and very much treasured by his wife and kids. We remember him in many ways during the day when he is gone - we send kisses to Daddy on work trucks, phone him at lunch time, make cards for him and in general talk about him.

My bestfriend today said over the past couple of years (we have been married 6) he has finally seen why I married Richard, and that he is lovely, and that he thought Richard was very lucky I had stuck by him when he struggled, but I don't see it that way I am very, blessed to have my husband and every difficult day was worth it

-Charley

Edited November 19, 2008 by Elgama

[candyprpl]

Absolutely correct.:)

The relationship described seems rather confrontational. It seems he may be overprovocative for whatever reason (highly histeronic perhaps) but so is the wife -- seems ready to pounce once something is said that she disagrees with.

Problem is, when the yelling begins (or the temptation to yell) the higher order areas of the brain shut down -- reasoning basically stops. You are in a neaurological fight or flight mode so the endorphine system is pumping adrenaline as well as seratonin and a bunch of other chemicals that put the body on alert. At this point the couple may as well be a couple of chimps fighting over a monkey both want to eat as far as true communication is concerned.

Both husband and wife need to seek God as well as seek better ways to communicate. Can a person be a good member of the Church and cheer when he or she reads about God nuking Somom? Sure. However, maybe if you want him or her to think about the position ask how they would feel if a son or daughter became gay. Get a conversation going.

I should make it clear to you that this is not something that is ongoing -- the episode I described was not the usual. I agree wholeheartedly with everything you said and that's why I'm having difficulties with trying to be of assistance to him and the priesthood.

If my post, in your opinion, came off as bashing, I'm sorry that is not what I was doing -- honestly. I'm not a pouncer:p

At the same time my experience has been that the Relief Society is more apt to rip on members of the ward and spread gossip. I even knew one wife whose husband was in the bishopric who at least once listened through the wall as her husband was meeting with a man in her ward and then called the wife up and let her know what they were talking about. So it's not unusual for people to commit major sins like gossip but maybe ask the husband something that will allow him to find good qualities about the people he's jumping on. Don't just wait to jump his case.

One last thing, the sad part of such bickering is that due to the hormonal infusions into the body some people can eventually get addicted to fighting as much as getting addicted to caffeine. Be careful -- and that goes for any husband or wife out there.

I hate to fight!!! In fact my kids (who are now grown) use to get upset with me for not putting up more of a fight.

But what I'm talking about is not just disagreements on petty matters -- ya know?

[Iggy]

When you dated your husband, did he express his bigotry? In other words, has he always been this way?

In my personal opinion, you do not have to listen to his bigotry. Can you tell him that it is inappropriate and unacceptable to you. To please refrain while he is in your presence? Also- would it make a marked difference if he read what the 1st Presidency says about it? If so, get on lds.org; Gospel Library and hunt down all the talks and lessons regarding such.

I can pretty much tell who my husband has been working with, by the language he uses once he comes home from work, and the crude tasteless jokes.

Fortunately for me, I can look him straight in the face and tell him to clean his language up. Then I immediately ask him to pray and banish the adversary from our home.

You can do the praying to banish the adversary from your home- you have been given that power/gift at your confirmation when you received the gift of the Holy Ghost. Use it righteously.

Going to your Bishop regarding this is NOT going behind your husbands back. You have every right to council with your Bishop and to receive guidance from him. You also should go to your Bishopric and ask for blessings.

[Hemidakota]

Thanks all so much. We've only been married 3 years and we were sealed 2 years ago. I've known from the start that our upbrinings were very different and I would have to be understanding. He's a 'country boy' with a cowboy attitude (I say that with love -- my dad was too) and he has overcome a lot of his prejudices but sometimes it grates on my sensitivites. Like I said in my OP, most of the time I just let it pass and pray that the spirit will soon teach him differently.(

(Hemi -- he's second counselor in the Elder's Quorum).

I know I'm not perfect in my understandings and that we learn 'precept upon precept' but it still concerns me that he doesn't get some of the basic gospel.

I know I can't change his attitude, that I can only change mine -- that's the problem -- I don't know how to change my attitude. I can't accept his behavior sometimes because it goes against what the Savior teaches. I feel the Spirit withdraw and I don't like that. It's hard enough striving to always have the Spirit with you -- if you know what I mean.

I have wanted to talk to the Bishop but I don't want to march my husband into a meeting and start saying these things in front of him, it would seem like an attack and yet, I don't want to 'go behind his back' to meet with the Bishop.

My problems with whether or not he's worthy to hold the priesthood is not for me to decide -- I realize that and accept that -- but how do I change my attitude my feelings about that? It's the most awful feeling!! I can't stress that enough, how much I'm suffering with this. I love my husband and I love that he's active. I know there are probably many sisters who would love to have my problem because their husbands are either not active or not members. I'm sorry if I come off like a crybaby.

It's just hard, what more can I say.

I glad for women like you. My wife does the same thing and constantly reminds me of that...I have a red personality in which I am slowly departing it out of my character. It comes from inheriting the same gene [using the same gender attraction issues ] from my father. People like my wife and a few here that keeps me in constant check. Thanks to them who do. I hate sin....I hate sin....I simply hate sin. I do pray he will come to an understanding of that phrase as I did.

[Hemidakota]

I missed this post when I was reading. I'm not sure I understand your point. Are saying that I may be getting promptings about his worthiness? And if that's the case -- what do I do?

Oh, by the way everyone -- today's our anniversary. Interesting that I brought this up today.

Remember the phrase PRIEST & PRIESTESS? Both the man and the woman share the priesthood together. You have much right to that same discerning spirit as he does. You have the right to know if he is worthy of that priesthood and at times; need to be reminded of the D&C where it talks about using the priesthood in unworthiness.

I can see, you are already been prompted to tell him to stop this type of character behavior. Unfortunately, he is not listening.

[Guest queriesqueries]

You cannot change other people.

But you CAN change your feelings and reactions to them.

Just consider that it could be your Ego that is the problem. You are embarrassed that he thinks and talks this way because you feel it is a reflection on you.

But it is not.

He has his own free will and is responsible for his own thoughts, feelings, and actions.

You are only responsible for yours.

So you have three choices.

You can change the situation - but you obviously cannot change him.

You can walk away - which would mean divorcing him, and I don't think you want that.

You can change yourself, and accept him - and pray for him - and pray for your own strength to accept and love him.

Do you doubt that God can work miracles?

Many Bishops came from such a place as your husband sits, I've read.

I had to say that this response goes along with my experience.

When I first got married, my husband was a smoker. And had a few other, shall we say, rough edges. I was fine with that. Then once we started getting active in the church, both of us but mind you on my prompting, I started feeling the way you have explained - that he was withholding blessings from our family by not living the word of wisdom.

Now that time has passed, I see how proud and judgemental I was - because my particular sins have proven much more deadly and destructive to our family than his ever did.

My plan for myself, as much as possible, is to do my best to love and forgive those around me (someone else said something to that effect - how does God see him?) and work on my own beams and motes.

My $0.02. I wish you the best.

[candyprpl]

Well DeborahC -- I kindly have to disagree a little about what you are saying.

I don't feel his behavior is a reflection on me.

queries,

When I talk about my concern for him, it's not for me, but for him. I love him and I know him. He has a very caring heart and is a very loving person and so when I see him go against this innate quality it saddens me. I'm looking for ways to support and bring out that quality. I'm not looking for ways to put him down. I think you heard the words I spoke in my OP but missed entirely my tone.

I know I didn't explain very well (because it would have been pages long) how much I appreciate his sweet heart, his hard work at keeping a roof over our head (in these hard times) his patience with me and his support in my callings and on and on and on. I do tell him these things too.

There is a difference between being judgemental for selfish purposes and being justly judgemental. I know I'm not perfect and I have many things to work on as well and if we love each other we should want to support each other in becoming our best. Like I said in a earlier post -- I know the outward appearance of this man I married is rough around the edges -- I appreciate that in him and I let a lot of things go by the wayside because they have nothing to do with who he is on the inside. But when things go against who he is on the inside, his true light of Christ dims, that's when I want to support him.

I do pray constantly that my heart/attitude will change and I will stop feeling like he's not worthy to hold the priesthood. That's a harsh judgement. If I go along with what Hemi said and I kind of feel like my concerns are legitimate -- what do I do. I will pray some more.

Just a little sidenote -- I did, for my own understanding, go to LDS.org and looked under the topic homosexuality to see what I could find. I found 2 beautiful quotes from Pres. Hinckley and a wonderful talk by Elder Holland (there were more but I stuck with those things to share). Last night when we were talking I told him that I wanted to know how the Church felt about this topic and would you like to hear what I found. He was receptive and He likes me to read to him, so I did. He didn't say much when I finished, but I could tell he listened. I left it with that. There was nothing in me that wanted to say, 'see I told you so.' That would have been wrong and the Spirit would not have been with me if I had come from that attitude.

Thanks everyone for your posts -- they have helped me think things out.:)

[ZionWoman]

I know you probably just want this one to end but if I can just add my two cents....

Sometimes, we need to approach our husbands from a place of love and not frustration. Remove yourself enough from the situation so that you can come from a place of love. Remember what his favorite way of communicating is (does that make sense? My h likes to come from humour... he likes alight hearted approach, it softens it for him but he always gets the point) and tell him in that way. You may have to let it go for a little bit and seek strength elsewhere. Be patient. Walk away. Tell him that he is bringing a bad spirit into your home, and how hard you work to make sure there is a good spirit there (it's like good housekeeping:)). And then find a way that both of you can agree on to help him remember to do better so you can avoid more fights. Fighting rarely gets you anywhere, but you have to be heard.

Just my thoughts.

[georgia2]

The most important work you will ever do is in the walls of your own home.

Since both of you are newer members you are growing at different rates. It might help if you lighten up a bit and give him a little room. Yeah the stuff you explained he does would be terribly hard to live with but...... people don't change over night. You are supposed to be his best friend. Maybe if you look at it in that frame, instead of your husband you might be a little less judgmental and with a more loving spirit.

I have had friends with similar situations and I know they were counseled to just be a good example. Instead of getting angry, let it go through one ear, out the other. Instead of praying he would soften his heart, pray for an understanding and loving heart. Pray for patience and inspiration and guidance how best to handle this.

Another thing that has been stressed repeatedly by the General Authorities is for couples to pray each night before bed together. Let him hear you lovingly pray for him as well as for all the others you pray for. Listen to his prayers. You may find answers in how to help him this way.

you didn't say anything about kids. That would be REALLY HARD !!!!! Good LUCK !

[jolee65]

My husband can show the same kind of disrespect about the gay community , I have my feelings but keep them to myself more then he and at times he gets so upset about the subject and usually its about the same subject the gay community , I at times just say I think you told me that already , LOL. I think its a more polite way of saying thats enough , I already know how you feel on that subject ive heard it before. At times he sees how redudant he is about it and stops talking and sometimes it just sets him off like hes not being understood thats when i say yeah I know I get I got it now we know and if hes less childish then my husband CAN be he'll get the message.

[candyprpl]

Just a update -- he did hear me when I read the quotes from our wonderful Church leaders and even mentioned it to our Home Teachers the last time they visited. I'm more than satisfied that he does hear me and thinks about what I'm saying.

Thanks all for your kindness and support.:)