the in-laws and I'm the out-law

[Guest coping]

I have a wonderful husband he is the love of my life. His family, however, drives me nuts. I know that I have issues with them and that I alone have to get over them. I bring this up because the family is planning a week long get together. I would much rather have a root canal, but it is my husbands family and we need to go. I don't want to be miserable and I certainly don't want any one else being that way.

I just constantly feel that I am under the microscope with my father-in-law. My husband denies this but I have felt that he doesn't like nor approve of me. I feel completely on edge whenever I am around him. The same goes with the sisters.........I just don't fit in.

Any advice would be great for I am at a loss.:confused:

[Hemidakota]

What makes your husband's father make you feel this way?

[georgia2]

What makes your husband's father make you feel this way?

you need to figure this one out. Usually though women can pick up on tiny nuances of emotion that men don't.

Hopefully, if spending a WEEK with the family, you will have a place of privacy you can retreat to when this feeling becomes too much. A room where you are staying? Just becasue you are there doesn't mean you have to spend the entire time with them. You could check out the local sites while hubby stays with family. Or both go.

Another thing that tends to unite a family is when looking at old photos. If you are the one to initiate the activity, all will feel a bond with you. Especially as you express interest in all the activities and situations you see. This will bring about stories that will make them laugh and also feel connected and whole as a family. It will also give you a better insight in to the dynamics of each relationship and give you clues as to why they feel this way about you, or why you feel this way about them.

[BenRaines]

You can't control how they are or how they act only how you are and how you act. It takes two to have a problem. If you are the most giving, Christlike person, during this week with his family you might find that you get closer to them and your husband will appreciate it.

Ben Raines

[Palerider]

I have a wonderful husband he is the love of my life. His family, however, drives me nuts. I know that I have issues with them and that I alone have to get over them. I bring this up because the family is planning a week long get together. I would much rather have a root canal, but it is my husbands family and we need to go. I don't want to be miserable and I certainly don't want any one else being that way.

I just constantly feel that I am under the microscope with my father-in-law. My husband denies this but I have felt that he doesn't like nor approve of me. I feel completely on edge whenever I am around him. The same goes with the sisters.........I just don't fit in.

Any advice would be great for I am at a loss.:confused:

I can relate....I use to think my wife's family was weird.....and did not enjoy being around them. One of the hardest things I had to do was...swallow my own pride and I mean swallow my pride. I made it a point to try and find the good and to find something to like about them. I have enjoy being around them and their company. My wife has a sister in law that when we are together I have a hard time trying to tolerate her. There have been alot of meals where I get up and take my food outside. Of course my wife knows why I am doing this and will often get the question asked of her....why is Palerider outside eating his food while its snowing, does he realise its 19 degrees outside. To which my wife replies...he must have gotten hot. And last of all, pray and ask for help to try and enjoy their company.

[NeuroTypical]

Any advice would be great for I am at a loss.

Smile and be nice.

And if you like, you can fall on your knees and thank God that you weren't given my in-laws. They molest children. The worst thing you have to deal with is a lack of good time when you're all together.

LM

[BenRaines]

Pale, I bet that is a hoot.

Ben Raines

[georgia2]

Smile and be nice.

And if you like, you can fall on your knees and thank God that you weren't given my in-laws. They molest children. The worst thing you have to deal with is a lack of good time when you're all together.

LM

I KNOWS WHERE YOU IS COMING FROM!

[Palerider]

Pale, I bet that is a hoot.

Ben Raines

it happens the most when she starts talking about politics.....I always promise my wife....I will not argue with her sister in law over politics.....

[Misshalfway]

My heart goes out to you. I am in a similar situation. I married into a family that I desperately loved and respected that did not feel the same way about me. And still, in my toxic hoping, I wish that maybe at some future date there might be some kind of approval and inclusion out there for me to enjoy.

My dear, some people won't or can't approve of us so stop wanting it, needing it, or expecting it. They may not like what we do or how we do it. They might actually see that we do certain things well or even better and that or something like that is somehow threatening to the family system or to themselves.

It is difficult to add people to ones family who see and do things differently. Some seem to do it effortlessly. Some seem to marry in without any conflict or friction and then there are the other combinations that for whatever reason don't work out smoothly.

I think the universe has a wonderful way of bringing us the people into our lives that we need.... people who come into our spheres and somehow disrupt things within us. And why? To show us more about who we are and what we do and how we need to evolve. We don't grow strength without resistance and it is the resistance of some FIL's and their wonderful weaknesses that help us grow.

So, how do you need to grow? Why do you NEED approval? Is there some message you need that you can give to yourself? Can you learn to love and accept without the approval? Can you learn to relate to your FIL and the rest of the fam in ways that don't push your buttons?

This process really is benevolent. Uncomfortable yes, but benevolent. And when you get to that place where you can let them "do" what they "do" and you can hand that back to them and not make it about you, then you will have arrived somewhere great. Remember when people disapprove it is most likely more about them more than it is about us. It is that way with my MIL. She lathers me with guilt and shame and all sorts of disapproval. I could be making a good natured joke and she couldn't bring herself to even laugh because she might have to concede I might be even 1% good. :) I hate it. I won't lie. But it isn't about me. It is about her issues and how my presence aggravates those issues. So, I am learning how to deal with it without taking the rejection home with me and without believing the messages that she tries to send across the pike.

It is about detachment. It is about boundaries. And it is about self learning. Look for the golden lesson inside this trial. It helps take your focus off of the pain of it all and bring you to a place where you understand love better -- love for them and love for yourself.

[applepansy]

After 32 years of marriage I no longer try to please my inlaws. Its taken this long for my husband to "SEE" the problems and disrepsect I've dealt with from his family. While he's not quite ready to deal with it head on, at least he's not denying that the disrespect happens.

You can only choose how you will act. Its important to always be respectful. If you can't take whatever is going on, remove yourself. In a week long family gathering that might be difficult, but its not impossible. Plan things you can take your kids and go do. Talk to your husband and work out a plan where he can support you. Between the two of you, agree on appropriate boundaries and stick too them. If the boundaries need to be explained to his family, then HE needs to explain . . .not you.

My husband wishes he had believed me sooner about the issues with his family. If he had stepped in sooner the problems woudn't have beome so bad. Its so very important that each spouse deal with their own family on issues and that husband and wife are on the same page.

The basic family unit is: husband, wife, children. After children grow up and marry, thus starting their own family unit, the Inlaws are outside the immediate family. You are not the "outlaw". . .they are. If inlaws cannot support their children's family units, they need to step back and be very careful about what they say.

Fences make good neighbors. . .this applies to extended family too.

applepansy

[leming6]

I was in the same situation. When I got married my husbands mother seemed to have some issue with me and I didn't know what. I would constantly tell my husband but he didn't believe at first. He finally did and had a long talk with her. She finally backed off. What I did was just be as respectful as I could and I only dealt with them when I had to. I never showed negative feelings around them and our visits with them were not that frequent. If you can't handle the situation, go for a walk with your husband or a drive. Find something else to do. After ten years, we are still working on the relationship and it may never get to a friendship. Right now it is just a respectful relationship. Like Applepansy said, your family is now you and your husband and any kids you have. Your in-laws are secondary and as long as it can be a peaceful, respectful relationship, then it'll be okay.

[Misshalfway]

Fences make good neighbors. . .this applies to extended family too.

Amen, Apple.

[Guest TheLutheran]

A dear family friend imparted these words of wisdom to me many moons ago. I've found it to be so true!! Just as every marriage relationship requires effort and energy that many define as "work," so too does the relationship with your spouse's family.

When two people meet, fall in love, and the relationship advances toward thoughts of marriage, that new couple develops their own "couple culture" that incorporates aspects of both individuals' personality, values and upbringing. For the "out-law" it can be unsettling to be surrounded by the people instrumental in their spouse's formative years who differ from the person you know him/her to now be.

One goal of mine has been to provide a homelife for my daughters that was a safe place to fall after interaction with the "outside world" -- a distinct contrast from the family I grew up in that was much more harsh than anything I encountered in the outside world. Not surprisingly, my two brothers and I have very little contact today as a result.

Our daughters are now 17.5, 19 and 20 and, as they develop relationships, it is still important to Mr.TheLutheran and I to put energy and effort into successfully expanding our family relationship. So much so that we just took all 3 girls and their boyfriends to Cancun for a week at Christmas time. The boys got to witness our family dynamic in a very authentic way and the girls got to see how well their boyfriends blended into our ever-expanding family. We are not a carved-in-stone group -- we're very open and accepting of new and different habits, tastes, behaviors, etc. However, as most couples eventually acknowledge, some charactertistics are compatible and some are not.

Wow . . . must be my longest post ever. Sorry for that. My suggestion would be to use the time with your spouse's family to further your understanding of where he/she comes. Also, use it as an opportunity to develop and refine your social skills. I'm pretty sure we would all "suck it up" if we found the company of our boss's wife intolerable and refrain from eating outside in frigid temperatures. Why? Because it is obvious that there is something to lose by that behavior (the boss's favior, for example.) Why should your spouse's family be any different??

[Guest coping]

"What makes your husband's father make you feel this way? " I think there are numerous reasons. My husband and I joke and tease..........we know each others boundaries. I can't remember the specifics but we where at their home and we were teasing one another and he basically told us to stop. Needless to say I mind my tongue while I'm around him.

Another reason is that we have struggled with our activity in the church. It stems from our infertility issues and the emotional pain it brings. At one time it was simply easier not to go.............I'd go and come home and spend the rest of the day crying. Was it the right choice NO.....but at the time it was the best I could do...............I hate mourning/crying/hurting in public. I bring this up because my father-in-law is a stake president. And has brought up the topic of getting "active". He even had enough nerve (as I would call it) to bring it up the day after we had an appointment with an infertility specialist. The appointment didn't go well and my emotions where a mess. My husband specifically told his parents to NOT approach me or bring up this topic................not only did my father-in-law not listen, but he went against our wishes.

We are working on getting active again, because that is what we need and want to do. I feel that our standing in the church correlates with how he feels about "us". I am sure that I'm wrong, but that is how I feel.

[Guest coping]

A side note, my husband and I have been married for 10 years.

[Guest SisterofJared]

I think the universe has a wonderful way of bringing us the people into our lives that we need.....

The universe??

How about God, instead of the universe?

SoJ

[georgia2]

After reading your recent post................... WEll.................... so sorry!

It seems as though sometimes people (especially in families) want so badly for others to be "active" they forget that peoples feelings are more important. A gentle, caring, nurturing person, like Jesus, would of course be more concerned about how someone felt, what they were going through. Super active people are so strong, so dependent on their testimonies, they can't understand why anyone who is going through trials wouldn't want to be super active so that they may cling to and expect Heavenly Father to fix everything. Usually, those in that situation have never experienced what the other is going through. People forget the way to others hearts is to love them with theirs.

You say your FIL told you to stop kidding around. He probably isn't that type of person and for some reason doesn't feel comfortable with it. Gordon B. Hinkley repeatedly expressed the need to kid and laugh at life and ourselves. Some people just don't know how to lighten up.

I can just imagine how you feel they are judging you! Maybe they do blame you for their son not being active. Just because someone is a Stake President doesn't mean they are perfect, perfect in everything. I've known some real stick in the mud Presidents! In essence it sounds like he is trying to adjust your free agency! Just because they are your family doesn't give them the right to insult, hurt or embarrass you. After 50 years I finally realized I had the power to stop my mother from being mean in essence abusive. I stopped going over there! No I don't feel bad. I am protecting my self! HeAVENLY Father doesn't want us to allow others to hurt us!

It also sounds like your husband needs to have a talk with Daddy and tell him that he won't allow him to go against his wishes and hurt his wife! Daddy needs to let go of his power strings and let his son live his own life. If they want you to visit, especially for a week. they need to learn how to be good hosts!

Of course you will probably continue to go, suffer more, be angry with yourself for letting them treat you this way. Or you can go and stand up for yourself.. Plan fun activities. If anyone else is interested in having fun they could go with you! Don't let them or anyone else hurt you. Don't let your husband let anyone else hurt you.

My original post about dragging out old photos still stands.

Edited January 12, 2009 by georgia2

[Islander]

I just constantly feel that I am under the microscope with my father-in-law. My husband denies this but I have felt that he doesn't like nor approve of me. I feel completely on edge whenever I am around him. The same goes with the sisters.........I just don't fit in.

Any advice would be great for I am at a loss.:confused:

Sorry to hear that. It would help if I knew why you think your in-laws do not like you or "disapprove" of you. By the way, what is to approved? You are already married to the man and you are good enough for him so I would not place much stock on the opinions of third parties. If there is "something" they do not like about you that is certainly their problem, not yours.

The bottom line is that you likely do not understand what the real issues are. You are simply trying to deal with the symptoms which is not very practical. A week long gathering can be tough if you get there anticipating that you are going to have a miserable time. Heard about self-fulfilling prophesy? Well, you are likely gearing up for one if you are already thinking that Murphy's Law will be at work during the meet. It may be useful to chat with a pro in terms of re framing and gaining some perspective into the dynamics at work with your extended family.

[Guest coping]

Sorry to hear that. It would help if I knew why you think your in-laws do not like you or "disapprove" of you. By the way, what is to approved? You are already married to the man and you are good enough for him so I would not place much stock on the opinions of third parties. If there is "something" they do not like about you that is certainly their problem, not yours.

The bottom line is that you likely do not understand what the real issues are. You are simply trying to deal with the symptoms which is not very practical. A week long gathering can be tough if you get there anticipating that you are going to have a miserable time. Heard about self-fulfilling prophesy? Well, you are likely gearing up for one if you are already thinking that Murphy's Law will be at work during the meet. It may be useful to chat with a pro in terms of re framing and gaining some perspective into the dynamics at work with your extended family.

This is going to sound horrible, but I'm not a "Molly Mormon". I'm a tom-boy, I work out-side the home. I'm ok with that, it is just very diferent then all the girls in their family. I just don't fit in to their family mold. That has a lot to do with why me and my husband are so right for each other.

As far "self-fulfiling prophesy" that is exactly what I'm scared of. And I have thought about speaking w/ a "pro" but have never found the time.

I'd love to "fit" in, but not at the sack of changing who I am.

[Islander]

This is going to sound horrible, but I'm not a "Molly Mormon". I'm a tom-boy, I work out-side the home. I'm ok with that, it is just very diferent then all the girls in their family. I just don't fit in to their family mold. That has a lot to do with why me and my husband are so right for each other.

As far "self-fulfiling prophesy" that is exactly what I'm scared of. And I have thought about speaking w/ a "pro" but have never found the time.

I'd love to "fit" in, but not at the sack of changing who I am.

Got it!!

I guess you have to "get comfortable with your own skin" my grandma would say. You are different and that is a source of internal pride and maybe you husband even finds it sexy. But, it also makes you "odd" to others and that is no fun. My suggestion here is that you have to take notes and tips from nature. Certain animal "change" colors in order to deal with environmental stressors, dangers or even to mate or secure food. It is not that you have to stop being who you, rather develop skills that can allow you to be more fluid and flexible when required.

What I am trying to say is that you do not have to be "tomboyish" handy and "outdoorsy" and brag about it when you are with them. Yo should be courteous and polite, smile lots and hold on to your husband's arm as long as you can during the meet. Beyond that, do not worry about how different you are from the other girls. Who cares if it bothers them that you watch "Home Improvement" vs Oprah. Do not stress your differences but rather concentrate on the similarities that I suspects are also many.

If it comforts you; I used to be the ONLY Mormon my wife's family knew. They tried everything and them some to persuade her not to be baptized and later marry me. I knew of the backstabbing and gossip but paid no attention. I was a cult leader in the making, according to them. I showed nothing but love, care and respect to my mother in-law and 4 years later I baptized her. Today she swears I can walk on water. I have since baptized 4 more members of my extended family. People do change. It takes time, patience, understanding, forgiveness and a very thick skin but it will work out. No matter what happens, try to keep an attitude to preserve the Spirit and all else will take care of itself.

[georgia2]

This is going to sound horrible, but I'm not a "Molly Mormon". I'm a tom-boy, I work out-side the home. I'm ok with that, it is just very diferent then all the girls in their family. I just don't fit in to their family mold. That has a lot to do with why me and my husband are so right for each other.

.

I think most molly mormons are going extinct!

In today's world, it is almost impossible to be molly! So for us still trudging along, we can try to be MOLLIE ! Doing the best we can with what we have been given. Each of us is unique and we're better off because of it. I'm sure you could teach your sister in laws a few things and in return they could teach you. WHAT are you super talented in? Go prepared and tell them you want to have an enrichment class while you are there. UMMMM LEts see, how about a class on manners???? Or, how about what the war in heaven was all about! Your in laws need to realize how blessed they are that YOU ARE A MEMBER !!!!

[jolee65]

Dont change a thing you are who you are, if you and your husband agree that you work outside the home then thats all you need to know.

Edited January 13, 2009 by jolee65