Feel like running away...

[momof2girls]

I don't even know where to begin so this might be a little confusing, but I guess it will be good to get it off my chest too. I just introduced myself here today and I am sorry to be asking for advice already, but I really need it.

I have been married for 8 years this May and have two beautiful daughters. I love my family very much, but my love for my husband is decreasing. I hate the feeling and I don't know how to get back on the right track. I feel a lot of frustration with him for many reasons, the most being that he works a lot and I am left home with my kids all day and night. It puts a big strain on our family because I feel like my kids are I are being neglected, but he can't do much about it. He has to work a lot of nights to provide for us. We don't have much either. It used to not bother me, but, adding to all my other problems, I have felt a lot of jealousy of my friends and family because of what they have that I don't. And not only for the "worldy" things, but for the relationship they have with their spouses and kids. Anyway, back on track a little. My husband and I don't do a lot together. At night he goes to his office in the basement to play games on the computer while I go upstairs to watch TV, work, or play on the internet. Then at 10pm or later he comes upstairs wanting to make love and I have NO interest. I do it just for him and I rarely enjoy it. During the day, he doesn't open doors for me, bring me cards or gifts, hold my hand, kiss me without wanting anything more, etc. It really bothers me that he only seems to want to be with me at bedtime.

Okay, the list could go on. I don't know what to say next. My mind is a mess right now.

I also am frustrated with my 4 year old daughter. I am really struggling with her lately and I have a hard time wanting to be with her. I raise my voice way too much during the day and I dont' want to at all. It is all my fault that she acts the way she does. I just don't know how to control her very well.

I have had a lot of feelings lately of wanting to leave my family, mostly my husband. I dream of what my life would have been like if I had dated more before I was married. Maybe I would have married somebody better. I think a lot about ex-boyfriends and wish that I were with them even though I know I wouldn't be happy. I dream about being single again.

I have thought about talking with my bishop, but I know he will suggest counseling. I have done the counseling thing before for depression and it helped, but I am scared to do it now because my husband would know how I feel. I have told him many of the things that bother me, but I have never told him that I want to leave sometimes. He would be devastated. I am scared to death to tell him...

I am so sorry that this is so confusing. I am confused myself. Can anybody give me any advice about how to feel more love for my family?

Thanks!

[gigi]

Dear momof2,

Much of what you feel is pretty normal. Reality: the grass is not greener elsewhere - you need to see if you can nourish your own little family garden. You might very well talk to the bishop and get counseling. Then let your counselor know you'd like some one on one with him/her.

Advice: journal what you feel; it will help you identify some core issues, pray to the Lord who knows and loves you no matter what, read your scriptures everyday (my daughter has found a significant difference in her relationships with husband and 2 boys since she started doing this [even tho we did it as a family her whole life]), learn about what to expect from 4 year olds. You might want to read up on parenting and marital relationships. You're going to have to find a way to communicate with your husband. Although you need to make sure you keep your family foremost in your mind and heart make sure you take time and do some things for you to keep you of sound mind, develop your own talents and gifts, fill your pitcher so you can fill their cups.

Besides talking alone to a counselor you might need to have marriage counseling for awhile if your husband doesn't respond to attempts to communicate. Fight for your marriage and family as long as the Spirit tells you to do so. Always listen to the Spirit over your daydreams.

[bert10]

Hi Momoof2girs

The Advice I normally give is about "Unconditional Love" and how to receive Counseling from God...For His Name is also Counsellor.

You are in a great place at this moment. Because before "Unconditional Love" can come into your your heart "Conditional Love" with all its fears must die. And it looks that is what is happening to you at this time. Again Conditional Love brings with it fears and torments. And to have torments is also to be in hell.

1 John 4:18 - There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.

You are frustrated with your husband because your will is being thwarted. Conditional Love means I will love you if you fulfill my conditions. And sooner or later the conditions upon which we have decided to give our love shall change. So we perceive a loss which we attribute to our spouse.

Well this post is not about all the manifestations of Conditional Love which God has called "Darkness" and with this type of Love fears is also the result of it.

------------------------------------

"Unconditional Love" - Is at first An ACT of Will

They say one becomes what one eat. Well guess what?

Proverbs 23:7 - For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he: Eat and drink, saith he to thee; but his heart is not with thee.

"Unconditional Love" is also called the Pure Love of Christ it is the tree of Eternal Life in Nephi. It is the fruit most sweet.

Now understand that "Unconditional Love" is also called "Charity" and taught as such by the Apostles in the NT.

With this Love one, shall come understand all things and also gain the ability to forgive, to have mercy and compassion.

Philippians 4:7 - And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

Ephesians 3:19 - And to know the love of Christ, which passeth knowledge, that ye might be filled with all the fulness of God.

With this love....your happiness and joy is not dependent on what others do for you. The more of this Love that you give out...the more the Lord will fill your heat with it. The process begins only when one first decide to live this law.

With this love....Patience shall come into your life....as well as the core of the law..which is mercy, compassion and forgiveness.

The more you give it the greater shall be your joy and happiness. And all of your frustrations shall disappear.

The next greatest thing a person can do...is realize that God is there..and to praise and thank God for all things. For example if your husband refuses to do the dishes...than turn this into a positive by praising and thanking God for his lack of caring. Do this for every thing in the world that is bothering you.

Also remember a legal divorce is not a Spiritual divorce for only God can grant such a thing.

If you do the above...you will begin to find Joy and happiness regardless of where you are or whom you are with.

The most wonderful thing shall begin to happen as you let your heart to eventually become a river of living of waters.

To "Overcome" the world is to become a Living fountain. This is what God wishes to have in these last days so that they can teach others on how to bring the power of God in their lives to wipe away their tears.

Revelation 7:17 - For the Lamb which is in the midst of the throne shall feed them, and shall lead them unto living fountains of waters: and God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes.

Peace be unto you

bert10

Edited January 18, 2009 by bert10

[momof2girls]

Thank you both for your advice. I truly appreciate it. I desperately want to change my feelings, but I honestly don't know how or where to begin. I guess doing to usual things that I should be doing like reading my scriptures and attending the temple more are a good start.

Thank you...

[bert10]

Hi ....Hindus who marry as strangers have a greater marital success rate than LDS. Why is that?

I do not think....You have not understood the post above. The way of perfection is already before you and it is call the Pure Love of Christ. It is also called "Unconditional Love."

Many Hindus live "Unconditional Love" at least in part. Each Spouse even though many times do not know each other...have decided in their hearts to love their spouse no matter what their faults are. And so their love grow stronger each day.

Try it and see if my post above is true or not.

Peace be unto you

bert10

Thank you both for your advice. I truly appreciate it. I desperately want to change my feelings, but I honestly don't know how or where to begin. I guess doing to usual things that I should be doing like reading my scriptures and attending the temple more are a good start.

Thank you...

[BenRaines]

bert, I think President Kimball said it well and I paraphrase "If a unselfish man and an unselfish woman are put together in a marriage they will have a great life and learn to love each other."

It is when we worry about "Our feelings" or "Our needs" and not that of our partner that we begin to entertain thoughts of other partners, what would it be like if and that kind of stuff.

Ben Raines

[Sequoia]

I'm not sure if this will help, but I thought I'd try some. I remember when my husband was gone all day and into the night working while I was stuck home with little ones and pregnant. It was very hard. Little kids are demanding. They have to be, since their lives truly depend on you.

Is there some way you could put your daughter in a Mother's Day Out program and give yourself some time? These programs aren't everywhere, but they are designed so that moms can go to the doctor or china shop or somewhere without kids for an hour or even a day. But usually they aren't too much.

If they don't have those in your area, then see if there is another gal at church with a child that is four and switch off. I did this at one point for my own sanity. She'd take my two kids on Wednesday for an hour or so then we'd swap and I'd get hers on Friday, every other week. We really didn't allow things to mess with this schedule. You have to prioritize your me time.

Four is a great age because they want to be kept busy and love, love activities and friends. Remember too that parks are free and a great place to sit and talk with other moms while the kids play. One of my kids enjoyed the cemetery with the flowers and the names on the stones. We went there quite a bit. In the winter, you could meet at McDonald's with a playground and just order something small, since money is tight. Having them in a routine that includes outside/running time, is always helpful.

As far as your husband goes, I have to say, I'd rather be the mom at home with the kids any day over the stress and pressure of work and financial duties. He's going to forget some of the small stuff. He might not even think it matters much to you since you haven't told him.

I wanted flowers, so I started buying them at Costco. My husband commented on how much he liked them on the table, and I said, "Yes, I really miss the times when you found the time to bring them home." He caught on. He did start bringing me some again, even with his crazy work schedule. Also, now we go to Costco together sometimes, and he always stops and says, "Go pick out the ones you like." It's not quite the same as a surprise bunch, but it still means something to me.

Holding doors could be the same. Just ask him to hold the door for you, and he most likely will. Then thank him and tell him how you really enjoy those small things he does that shows he cares. I bet he'd catch on. Sometimes what seems obvious to us, isn't to guys. We have to let them in on what we want...also, in the bedroom.

I am ill tonight, so I'm hoping this doesn't sound too harsh. I just remember that time so well. It is so difficult. My kids had some behavior issues too, so let me know if your kids have something specific they act out about, and maybe I can share something you might try.

Edited January 18, 2009 by Sequoia

[gabelpa]

momof2girls, it sounds like you are what we call a "Gamer's widow". My wife was one, and in a similar situation to you while I was going through my depression.

Both of these need action, check the Gamer's Widow thread, and get couple's counselling. Maybe give yourself a weekend in a hotel, just by yourself. I don't know your husband, but you may need some time apart. just so he can realize what you go through with the kids.

Oh, if he's spending a lot of time gaming,I think I know where your money is going. There's a World of Warcraft monthly subscription, keeping his gaming rig in prime condition for playing the latest games, if he's got an xbox360 or a ps3, the games for those are expensive. Wii games are not as expensive, but that there is a family gaming console.

As an idea,instead of you going upstairs and watching TV, go down and watch him play his games, see what he is up to. Let him know that if he wants to make love, you need to spend time together,and he needs to start making an effort, or you will stop giving in to his requests.

Those are just my ramblings, whether or not they are good ideas, is particular to your relationship.

[ruthiechan]

I don't even know where to begin so this might be a little confusing, but I guess it will be good to get it off my chest too. I just introduced myself here today and I am sorry to be asking for advice already, but I really need it.

I have been married for 8 years this May and have two beautiful daughters. I love my family very much, but my love for my husband is decreasing. I hate the feeling and I don't know how to get back on the right track. I feel a lot of frustration with him for many reasons, the most being that he works a lot and I am left home with my kids all day and night. It puts a big strain on our family because I feel like my kids are I are being neglected, but he can't do much about it. He has to work a lot of nights to provide for us. We don't have much either. It used to not bother me, but, adding to all my other problems, I have felt a lot of jealousy of my friends and family because of what they have that I don't. And not only for the "worldy" things, but for the relationship they have with their spouses and kids. Anyway, back on track a little. My husband and I don't do a lot together. At night he goes to his office in the basement to play games on the computer while I go upstairs to watch TV, work, or play on the internet. Then at 10pm or later he comes upstairs wanting to make love and I have NO interest. I do it just for him and I rarely enjoy it. During the day, he doesn't open doors for me, bring me cards or gifts, hold my hand, kiss me without wanting anything more, etc. It really bothers me that he only seems to want to be with me at bedtime.

Okay, the list could go on. I don't know what to say next. My mind is a mess right now.

I also am frustrated with my 4 year old daughter. I am really struggling with her lately and I have a hard time wanting to be with her. I raise my voice way too much during the day and I dont' want to at all. It is all my fault that she acts the way she does. I just don't know how to control her very well.

I have had a lot of feelings lately of wanting to leave my family, mostly my husband. I dream of what my life would have been like if I had dated more before I was married. Maybe I would have married somebody better. I think a lot about ex-boyfriends and wish that I were with them even though I know I wouldn't be happy. I dream about being single again.

I have thought about talking with my bishop, but I know he will suggest counseling. I have done the counseling thing before for depression and it helped, but I am scared to do it now because my husband would know how I feel. I have told him many of the things that bother me, but I have never told him that I want to leave sometimes. He would be devastated. I am scared to death to tell him...

I am so sorry that this is so confusing. I am confused myself. Can anybody give me any advice about how to feel more love for my family?

Thanks!

Your husband works all day and night to provide for you. He goes into the basement to play games after work to decompress. You go upstairs to watch TV and putz around online, likely sulking about being neglected by your husband... Why aren't you being with your husband? Why not move where you keep the second computer and the TV down to the basement or move it all upstairs? That way you can both be in the same room together doing your thing. When you do that you can make comments and talk to each other about what it is you are doing or about something else entirely.

Your husband still wants to have sex with you. Well, that's good. Think how awful it would be if he didn't. But also think how much better it would be for him and for you if you romanced him into it. Where's the lingerie? Where're the massages and the showing of appreciation for his hard work?

Do you really know what it is you are saying when you say you feel like running away? You are saying that you feel like abandoning your children, you're saying you feel like abandoning your family.

How would YOU feel if your husband "ran away". You think life is rough now, life as a single Mom is worse.

About your daughter, you don't want to be with her? That poor little girl, she is picking up on that rejection, and yes, you are rejecting her. She knows it even though she can not express it. So, she becomes more clingy and engages in more annoying behavior because she wants to be with you. She is no longer secure in her place.

Also, it's not about control, but guidance. Yelling at your sweet innocent daughter does not help her, nor you as it makes you feel worse. She is not being guided but is being treated as though she is a nuisance not worth your time. How does that help her engage in positive Christlike behavior?

I know this is hard to hear. And I know that you probably don't think you should be the one to change, but you're the only person you can change.

You're new here so mayhaps you do not know this, but I know what it's like to have a lousy marriage. I also know what it's like to be a single Mom. But I also know what it's like to work hard to make positive selfless changes which ultimately saved my marriage. The changes started with me changing myself. It also started with me getting on my knees in prayer asking my Heavenly Father to help me know what to do each day for my husband. Life is GOOD now, even with the the rough times - he may be jobless after April. Life is still good. It was worth every ounce of effort. My husband is a better companion. My changes facilitated his ability to change.

Remember, what you have between your husband and you is going to be DIFFERENT from other married couples. Sure there are neat things that other couples do, and sometimes I think it would be nice if my husband and I did those things too, but you know what, those things don't really matter in the grand scheme of things. What matters is whether or not WE are happy together doing what WE do together.

Talk to your Bishop, even if you do not want to.

Go to counseling. Counseling for depression and counseling for helping your marriage are two different things, and can be interrelated because if you're depressed it negatively colors your perceptions. (I used to be suicidally depressed so I know what that's like too.)

PRAY. ASK your Heavenly Father what he would have you do to help restore your relationship with your husband. Read your scriptures, in them you will find answers to your prayers. Then, after that, DO what he tells you to do, even if you do not want to. Do it anyway! The Spirit of God will not misguide you. You will misguide you though. So be careful.

Remember, it's not all about you. It's about your eternal family. All those dreams are lies of the adversary. Satan is tricking you into believing that life would be so much better if only you were free from your family responsibilities. This is a lie, it is not true. If you abandon your family misery will ensue, your depression with come back full force and worse. You will lose your eternal family if you leave. This does not even touch upon the terrible ripple effects either. BUT, in everything there is an opposite, thus, if you emulate Christlike behavior towards your children and your husband the ripple effects will be wonderful and you will be blessed.

Choose you this day whom ye will serve.

[Elgama]

I think its perfectly normal when you are struggling - sometimes I know I have cried out to Heavenly Father I have nothing left to give, physically, mentally, emotionally or spiritually - and I haven't the desire to run away can be horrendous, not to abandon anyone but to escape me. I think at those times I always have been right at my end because something happens to lighten it.

Ben's quote is right any 2 unselfish people can make a marriage work but its going to take more than just yourself in this situation you will need to work together. When your husband is playing his games go down and ask him can you join in or play something together, make an effort when he comes in from work to say hello and ask him for just ten minutes where you sit and have a drink together. What your husband is forgetting is that you work 24/7, yes he works long hours but you are never off duty.

I would also be telling him that great sex begins in the kitchen with help with the dishes, a bunch of flowers. Once a week when kids are asleep have time just for yourself, and if you can arrange it with his hours a night where you watch a movie with a box of chocolates or play a board game. OR Amazon have it really cheap you can get a copy of this book and work through the blue pages together

Amazon.com: Achieving a Celestial Marriage: Student Manual: Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints: Books

Keeping a journal is a good idea but not only about how you feel but also what you want to achieve from your marriage, and each night right down 5 things you love about him (do just 3 if 5 is hard to start with)

Also don't forget couple prayers and scripture readng, before he goes down to the basement and you go upstairs make it a priority to kneel in prayer and read some scriptures together/

How are you with Family Home Evening as well? That should give you time together as a famly schedule it around his work hours.

Concerning the 4 year old thats normal, my daughter was at her most irritating between 3-5 years, I was recommended a book How to Talk so Kids Will Listen, How to Listen so Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish and it has made a huge difference I also use it in how I talk to my husband.

-Charley

[momof2girls]

Your husband works all day and night to provide for you. He goes into the basement to play games after work to decompress. You go upstairs to watch TV and putz around online, likely sulking about being neglected by your husband... Why aren't you being with your husband? Why not move where you keep the second computer and the TV down to the basement or move it all upstairs? That way you can both be in the same room together doing your thing. When you do that you can make comments and talk to each other about what it is you are doing or about something else entirely.

Your husband still wants to have sex with you. Well, that's good. Think how awful it would be if he didn't. But also think how much better it would be for him and for you if you romanced him into it. Where's the lingerie? Where're the massages and the showing of appreciation for his hard work?

Do you really know what it is you are saying when you say you feel like running away? You are saying that you feel like abandoning your children, you're saying you feel like abandoning your family.

How would YOU feel if your husband "ran away". You think life is rough now, life as a single Mom is worse.

About your daughter, you don't want to be with her? That poor little girl, she is picking up on that rejection, and yes, you are rejecting her. She knows it even though she can not express it. So, she becomes more clingy and engages in more annoying behavior because she wants to be with you. She is no longer secure in her place.

Also, it's not about control, but guidance. Yelling at your sweet innocent daughter does not help her, nor you as it makes you feel worse. She is not being guided but is being treated as though she is a nuisance not worth your time. How does that help her engage in positive Christlike behavior?

I know this is hard to hear. And I know that you probably don't think you should be the one to change, but you're the only person you can change.

You're new here so mayhaps you do not know this, but I know what it's like to have a lousy marriage. I also know what it's like to be a single Mom. But I also know what it's like to work hard to make positive selfless changes which ultimately saved my marriage. The changes started with me changing myself. It also started with me getting on my knees in prayer asking my Heavenly Father to help me know what to do each day for my husband. Life is GOOD now, even with the the rough times - he may be jobless after April. Life is still good. It was worth every ounce of effort. My husband is a better companion. My changes facilitated his ability to change.

Remember, what you have between your husband and you is going to be DIFFERENT from other married couples. Sure there are neat things that other couples do, and sometimes I think it would be nice if my husband and I did those things too, but you know what, those things don't really matter in the grand scheme of things. What matters is whether or not WE are happy together doing what WE do together.

Talk to your Bishop, even if you do not want to.

Go to counseling. Counseling for depression and counseling for helping your marriage are two different things, and can be interrelated because if you're depressed it negatively colors your perceptions. (I used to be suicidally depressed so I know what that's like too.)

PRAY. ASK your Heavenly Father what he would have you do to help restore your relationship with your husband. Read your scriptures, in them you will find answers to your prayers. Then, after that, DO what he tells you to do, even if you do not want to. Do it anyway! The Spirit of God will not misguide you. You will misguide you though. So be careful.

Remember, it's not all about you. It's about your eternal family. All those dreams are lies of the adversary. Satan is tricking you into believing that life would be so much better if only you were free from your family responsibilities. This is a lie, it is not true. If you abandon your family misery will ensue, your depression with come back full force and worse. You will lose your eternal family if you leave. This does not even touch upon the terrible ripple effects either. BUT, in everything there is an opposite, thus, if you emulate Christlike behavior towards your children and your husband the ripple effects will be wonderful and you will be blessed.

Choose you this day whom ye will serve.

You are totally right in everything you say. I already know that. Maybe I am not being very clear. Actually, I know I am not being very clear. Like I said, I am confused myself. Anyway, I know that I am being selfish. I know that my daughter or my husband don't deserve the way I have been acting. I hate it! I WANT to change it. I wish it were as easy as telling myself that I am going to think better thoughts, but I am already trying that! I pray hard everyday asking for help and change.

I honestly appreciate all your advice! You are all right about going down to my husband and spending time with him or at least asking for some time with him. I should at least start with that!

One last thing I wanted to say and I know this is not an excuse, but I want to say it anyway. For years I felt like I was giving and giving all I had for my husband. I was putting in my 100% and more because I loved him and wanted the best for HIM, not me. I have always been the unselfish kind of person who gives all I have to everybody else. I guess I got tired of giving so much and not getting much back in return. It got so bad that I started to resent him and now have become selfish. I hate it. I hate myself. I feel like the worst wife, the worst mother, and the worst friend. I don't want to fall into depression again, but feel like I am on my way...

[Elgama]

Did you have post natel depression>? That would explain your reaction to your daughter - with my daughter I bonded instantly with my son it took several months, would have taken longer without experienced Mums helping me. I think you should try and have a Mummy/daughter date every week, now we are better off my daughter and I got to Starbucks every week whilst my son naps, but we used to use the park and swimming before he was born

I think part of it is starting to work on yourself - another book that helped me was Buddhism for Mothers. Making sure you remember to pray everyday, have a bedtime routine etc Gabelpa is my husband he is an amazing man but we have struggled through similar times (both of us not just him) and it has been worth fighting for, but has taken us 6 years to get on our feet

-Charley

[Guest tomk]

It boils down to seeking a relationship with God. Of going to Him for comfort and not to any othe source. Nothing in this world will provide peace, except Him. That is the one truth He is trying to teach us.

One tool I use to keep close to my Savior is counseling with Him in writing morning and night. I record HIS WORDS to me. I talk with Him about the things I'm struggling with. It is a process of ever-deepening honesty and humility as He shows me my weaknesses (as promised).

27 And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.

28 Behold, I will show unto the Gentiles their weakness, and I will show unto them that faith, hope and charity bringeth unto me—the fountain of all righteousness.

Notice the "IF":

"[iF] men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness."

if we reverse this, it reads:

"...if men [DO NOT] come unto me I will [NOT] show unto them their weakness."

He will not ( cannot ) show us our weakness if we do not come unto Him!!!!

Jesus then reveals the reason he gives us weakness:

"I give unto men weakness that they may be humble;"

Notice that HE gives us our weakness! Have you ever stopped to think about that? We know we need to be humble in order to receive His grace. He knows we need to humble ourselves so that He can extend that grace unto us. So, to that end, He gives us weakness! He actually gives us weakness! On purpose! It matters not what the weakness is. It is irrevelant. What matters is our response to that weakness. The correct response is humility. How merciful that the Lord would build-into the Plan of Salvation such a thing as weakness. Something that we cannot overcome without His help.

Then notice this awesome promise to those who humble themselves:

"...my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me;"

His grace (power) is sufficient! It is powerful enough to protect us and strengthen us where we find ourselves weak!

"for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."

Notice what He is describing. If we humble ourselves and have faith in Him -- HE (not us) will make weak things become strong unto us. This is not (necessarily) a promise to REMOVE our temptations or trials. It is just a promise that He will strengthen us sufficient so that we can resist the tempation or endure the hardships we are called upon to endure, and learn from the experience what He wants to teach us, for He uses trials and temptations to teach us.

28 Behold, I will show unto the Gentiles their weakness, and I will show unto them that faith, hope and charity bringeth unto me—the fountain of all righteousness.

If we see weakness in ourselves, then Christ is the antidote! Faith in Christ, Hope in Christ, and Charity through Christ's direction -- lead us to Christ Himself -- the fountain of all righteousness.

If your "weakness" is not having the Love of God within you for your husband, and you desire to have such -- then Christ is the Source of that love. Go to Christ. Counsel with Him. Follow what He gives you to do courageously. The answers will come.

Edited January 18, 2009 by tomk

[ruthiechan]

You are totally right in everything you say. I already know that. Maybe I am not being very clear. Actually, I know I am not being very clear. Like I said, I am confused myself. Anyway, I know that I am being selfish. I know that my daughter or my husband don't deserve the way I have been acting. I hate it! I WANT to change it. I wish it were as easy as telling myself that I am going to think better thoughts, but I am already trying that! I pray hard everyday asking for help and change.

I honestly appreciate all your advice! You are all right about going down to my husband and spending time with him or at least asking for some time with him. I should at least start with that!

One last thing I wanted to say and I know this is not an excuse, but I want to say it anyway. For years I felt like I was giving and giving all I had for my husband. I was putting in my 100% and more because I loved him and wanted the best for HIM, not me. I have always been the unselfish kind of person who gives all I have to everybody else. I guess I got tired of giving so much and not getting much back in return. It got so bad that I started to resent him and now have become selfish. I hate it. I hate myself. I feel like the worst wife, the worst mother, and the worst friend. I don't want to fall into depression again, but feel like I am on my way...

Ahhhh. My heart aches for you. My friend, you already have fallen into depression. You are covering it up by being angry or resentful. Anger gives a person a false sense of power. So instead of acting out by cutting yourself or staying in bed all day you are acting out by being angry, but in order to be angry you have to find reasons to be angry.

My daughter, who is turning six in May, said something profound. She said to me this morning, "When you're angry it makes me run away." I instantly thought of you and knew that what she said was true. The more angry you become, the more resentful, the more you'll want to run away. Interestingly enough, upon reflection, I was the same way many years ago.

There is hope though. You have taken the first step, which is to acknowledge you have a problem. The next step is to take it to the Lord, also read your scriptures - I really mean it when I say that answers to your issues are there, and then take it to your husband. Let him know that you don't really want to run away, because the thought of hurting him and your children is too much to bear, but that you need his help. Pray about how to approach this. If you are having difficulty with the prayer aspect talk to your Bishop. In fact, talk to him anyway. He will help you. If you don't want to talk to your husband on your own, use the Bishop as a mediator. There's no shame in that.

There's no shame in having these feelings. The only shame that can come is if you act on them. But, thankfully, you don't really want to act on those feelings, and you don't want to even be feeling them, so that will make them a bit simpler to work through. Keep your eye on your heart goal.

About the years of being selfless and getting nothing in return, well, sometimes that's how it is. Remember when Jesus healed those men of leprosy but only one turned back and thanked him? You were being Christlike with your selfless behavior. I know it's hard to focus on the positive and remember all the times you DID receive thanks and blessings, negative thoughts are something I have to battle too, but it's really important not to let them rule your thoughts. You don't have to believe every thought you have. Talk back to them. That's what I do, and it works!

I have some recommended reading for you as well. The first being, Healing Anxiety and Depression by Dr. Daniel G. Amen and Lisa C. Routh. It is very good and will help you. It helped me.

Another book I recommend is called The Prayer of Jabez. If you have a dollar store where you live you should be able to get it for a dollar (it's a ten dollar book). If you want though, I will mail you a copy. I have some extras. Seriously, I really will! Just PM me your address and it goes in the mail on Tuesday.

Try to change your anger into compassion. This is where the talking back to your thoughts comes in. Put yourself in the other person's shoes. Taking a step back, thinking through it logically, saying a prayer and allowing the Spirit to work on you is all part of the process. It works! I promise! It even helped me respond more positively to you. *smile* Yes, I really am smiling. It helps to see the humor in a given situation.

Remember, this too shall pass.

*hugs*

[jolee65]

As a mother of two girls, I know that throwing alot of reading material sounds like the answer but sometimes thats just not enough. I know exactly what your feeling i call it "bugging" its like I just want to get up and go, but thats not going to solve anything it never does. what could help maybe is if you had something to look forward too, you sound like your feeling empty and not capable of doing much because of finances.

The feelings for your husband could get better if you felt more full filled in your life , your looking for him to jazz things up for you and hes never home and not very interesting when he is home. frustration can be hard to hide and or kids can sence our dissatisfaction with things. other then leaving your family what can you do to help yourself feel better about your, life and marriage to this man.

im not one that would suggest a at home mom to go outside of the home away from her children but maybe a couple hours a couple days a week would be good for you , your daughter and your marriage .

I have been a at home mom for well my oldest is 20 youngest is 18 , I have had that same lost no hope for anything, everyone else is out in the world having a life but me. we do forget how important our jobs are, we get lost in everyone elses life and forget to get one ourselves, it can be lonley.

I hope this helps good luck .

[momof2girls]

Did you have post natel depression>? That would explain your reaction to your daughter - with my daughter I bonded instantly with my son it took several months, would have taken longer without experienced Mums helping me. I think you should try and have a Mummy/daughter date every week, now we are better off my daughter and I got to Starbucks every week whilst my son naps, but we used to use the park and swimming before he was born

I think part of it is starting to work on yourself - another book that helped me was Buddhism for Mothers. Making sure you remember to pray everyday, have a bedtime routine etc Gabelpa is my husband he is an amazing man but we have struggled through similar times (both of us not just him) and it has been worth fighting for, but has taken us 6 years to get on our feet

-Charley

I actually had depression before my kids were born, but it definitely got worse after my first (my 4 year old) was born. I agree with the mommy/daughter date every week. I think that is a great idea. Maybe I should find a babysitter for my youngest while my older daughter and I go do something fun or even just stay home and paint each others nails. Thanks!

It boils down to seeking a relationship with God. Of going to Him for comfort and not to any othe source. Nothing in this world will provide peace, except Him. That is the one truth He is trying to teach us.

One tool I use to keep close to my Savior is counseling with Him in writing morning and night. I record HIS WORDS to me. I talk with Him about the things I'm struggling with. It is a process of ever-deepening honesty and humility as He shows me my weaknesses (as promised).

27 And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.

28 Behold, I will show unto the Gentiles their weakness, and I will show unto them that faith, hope and charity bringeth unto me—the fountain of all righteousness.

Notice the "IF":

"[iF] men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness."

if we reverse this, it reads:

"...if men [DO NOT] come unto me I will [NOT] show unto them their weakness."

He will not ( cannot ) show us our weakness if we do not come unto Him!!!!

Jesus then reveals the reason he gives us weakness:

"I give unto men weakness that they may be humble;"

Notice that HE gives us our weakness! Have you ever stopped to think about that? We know we need to be humble in order to receive His grace. He knows we need to humble ourselves so that He can extend that grace unto us. So, to that end, He gives us weakness! He actually gives us weakness! On purpose! It matters not what the weakness is. It is irrevelant. What matters is our response to that weakness. The correct response is humility. How merciful that the Lord would build-into the Plan of Salvation such a thing as weakness. Something that we cannot overcome without His help.

Then notice this awesome promise to those who humble themselves:

"...my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me;"

His grace (power) is sufficient! It is powerful enough to protect us and strengthen us where we find ourselves weak!

"for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."

Notice what He is describing. If we humble ourselves and have faith in Him -- HE (not us) will make weak things become strong unto us. This is not (necessarily) a promise to REMOVE our temptations or trials. It is just a promise that He will strengthen us sufficient so that we can resist the tempation or endure the hardships we are called upon to endure, and learn from the experience what He wants to teach us, for He uses trials and temptations to teach us.

28 Behold, I will show unto the Gentiles their weakness, and I will show unto them that faith, hope and charity bringeth unto me—the fountain of all righteousness.

If we see weakness in ourselves, then Christ is the antidote! Faith in Christ, Hope in Christ, and Charity through Christ's direction -- lead us to Christ Himself -- the fountain of all righteousness.

If your "weakness" is not having the Love of God within you for your husband, and you desire to have such -- then Christ is the Source of that love. Go to Christ. Counsel with Him. Follow what He gives you to do courageously. The answers will come.

Thank you, thank you, thank you! Your words were just what I needed. Actually, it is kind of funny. I talked to my husband tonight. It started out bad because I blew up at him and told him how unhappy I was. He was shocked. He had no idea. Anyway, we were able to have a great discussion and he brought up the same scripture. I can't believe I didn't think that this was a weakness of mine and that The Lord gave it to me! That was just the insight I needed. Thank you!!

Ahhhh. My heart aches for you. My friend, you already have fallen into depression. You are covering it up by being angry or resentful. Anger gives a person a false sense of power. So instead of acting out by cutting yourself or staying in bed all day you are acting out by being angry, but in order to be angry you have to find reasons to be angry.

My daughter, who is turning six in May, said something profound. She said to me this morning, "When you're angry it makes me run away." I instantly thought of you and knew that what she said was true. The more angry you become, the more resentful, the more you'll want to run away. Interestingly enough, upon reflection, I was the same way many years ago.

There is hope though. You have taken the first step, which is to acknowledge you have a problem. The next step is to take it to the Lord, also read your scriptures - I really mean it when I say that answers to your issues are there, and then take it to your husband. Let him know that you don't really want to run away, because the thought of hurting him and your children is too much to bear, but that you need his help. Pray about how to approach this. If you are having difficulty with the prayer aspect talk to your Bishop. In fact, talk to him anyway. He will help you. If you don't want to talk to your husband on your own, use the Bishop as a mediator. There's no shame in that.

There's no shame in having these feelings. The only shame that can come is if you act on them. But, thankfully, you don't really want to act on those feelings, and you don't want to even be feeling them, so that will make them a bit simpler to work through. Keep your eye on your heart goal.

About the years of being selfless and getting nothing in return, well, sometimes that's how it is. Remember when Jesus healed those men of leprosy but only one turned back and thanked him? You were being Christlike with your selfless behavior. I know it's hard to focus on the positive and remember all the times you DID receive thanks and blessings, negative thoughts are something I have to battle too, but it's really important not to let them rule your thoughts. You don't have to believe every thought you have. Talk back to them. That's what I do, and it works!

I have some recommended reading for you as well. The first being, Healing Anxiety and Depression by Dr. Daniel G. Amen and Lisa C. Routh. It is very good and will help you. It helped me.

Another book I recommend is called The Prayer of Jabez. If you have a dollar store where you live you should be able to get it for a dollar (it's a ten dollar book). If you want though, I will mail you a copy. I have some extras. Seriously, I really will! Just PM me your address and it goes in the mail on Tuesday.

Try to change your anger into compassion. This is where the talking back to your thoughts comes in. Put yourself in the other person's shoes. Taking a step back, thinking through it logically, saying a prayer and allowing the Spirit to work on you is all part of the process. It works! I promise! It even helped me respond more positively to you. *smile* Yes, I really am smiling. It helps to see the humor in a given situation.

Remember, this too shall pass.

*hugs*

I really appreciate what you have said too. You are right on the nose with how I am feeling. I would love to read those books. I will check out our Dollar Store and see if I can find that one. Thank you so much.

As a mother of two girls, I know that throwing alot of reading material sounds like the answer but sometimes thats just not enough. I know exactly what your feeling i call it "bugging" its like I just want to get up and go, but thats not going to solve anything it never does. what could help maybe is if you had something to look forward too, you sound like your feeling empty and not capable of doing much because of finances.

The feelings for your husband could get better if you felt more full filled in your life , your looking for him to jazz things up for you and hes never home and not very interesting when he is home. frustration can be hard to hide and or kids can sence our dissatisfaction with things. other then leaving your family what can you do to help yourself feel better about your, life and marriage to this man.

im not one that would suggest a at home mom to go outside of the home away from her children but maybe a couple hours a couple days a week would be good for you , your daughter and your marriage .

I have been a at home mom for well my oldest is 20 youngest is 18 , I have had that same lost no hope for anything, everyone else is out in the world having a life but me. we do forget how important our jobs are, we get lost in everyone elses life and forget to get one ourselves, it can be lonley.

I hope this helps good luck .

Time away is something that I need, but I do feel like I get that. I am lucky to have neighbors and family who care and are willing to babysit if I really need it. Thank you for the suggestion.

Again, thank you everyone for caring so much even though I don't know you and you don't know me. I wish that I could be more eloquent with my word like many of you are. I wish I could write or even say how I feel, but I am just not great at that. So, I hope you all understand how much I appreciate your advice and help. I feel like I am starting on the right path finally and can get past this. Thank you!

[ruthiechan]

I actually had depression before my kids were born, but it definitely got worse after my first (my 4 year old) was born. I agree with the mommy/daughter date every week. I think that is a great idea. Maybe I should find a babysitter for my youngest while my older daughter and I go do something fun or even just stay home and paint each others nails. Thanks!

Thank you, thank you, thank you! Your words were just what I needed. Actually, it is kind of funny. I talked to my husband tonight. It started out bad because I blew up at him and told him how unhappy I was. He was shocked. He had no idea. Anyway, we were able to have a great discussion and he brought up the same scripture. I can't believe I didn't think that this was a weakness of mine and that The Lord gave it to me! That was just the insight I needed. Thank you!!

I really appreciate what you have said too. You are right on the nose with how I am feeling. I would love to read those books. I will check out our Dollar Store and see if I can find that one. Thank you so much.

Time away is something that I need, but I do feel like I get that. I am lucky to have neighbors and family who care and are willing to babysit if I really need it. Thank you for the suggestion.

Again, thank you everyone for caring so much even though I don't know you and you don't know me. I wish that I could be more eloquent with my word like many of you are. I wish I could write or even say how I feel, but I am just not great at that. So, I hope you all understand how much I appreciate your advice and help. I feel like I am starting on the right path finally and can get past this. Thank you!

I had a feeling your husband had no idea what was going on with you. But you know what? I get the feeling that you have a good man for a husband too. :)

*HUGS*

I am so glad we were able to help you.

You are and your family are in my prayers sister.

[Elgama]

I was listening to my General Conference CDs and getting increasingly fed up as my son had borrowed them and some don't play very well ARGGHH my own fault had left them on top but it made me listen to CD2 which for some reason I have not managed to get to yet and felt prompted that these talks would help you

Come What May, and Love It

The Ministry of Angels

-Charley

[Hemidakota]

Both should seek marriage counseling.