Scared in Las vegas

[ScaredVegas]

Scared is probably an understatement… I need some support and advice. I have been friends with my husband for 13 years we have been together for 5 and married for 3. When we got married we moved from the promise land (SLC) to Vegas. We have had our ups and downs. Over a year ago my husband came to me and said that he was not happy. We were going to try and make things work… well we really didn’t. Now it has come up again and he is planning on going home in the next few weeks. He says that he is just not happy with who he is, and where he is and he doesn’t know what he wants. He is confident that I don’t make him happy, he says he still loves me but can’t be with me. We didn’t have a lot of the challenges that others face there has only been one pressing issue which is very trivial, it was a matter of trust and being shady. He would talk to people and send texts to ex girlfriends, which he knew I didn’t like. I think that this is and was just a way to push me away and make it ok in his mind. I love my husband very, very much and I only want what is going to make him happy so I reluctantly said ok, I will help you. I was raised with very little church involvement and don’t have the firmest testimony to fall back on. We were married in the temple and I am afraid of how that is going to affect us both. I forgot to mention that he doen't want to work it out and because i work in counseling her refuses to see a counselor.

Edited January 29, 2009 by ScaredVegas

[BenRaines]

Sounds like you both need to get in to the Bishop.

I have three adult daughters and it has been a challenge to teach them that marriage and romance is not what it is glorified to be in movies and romance books. It is work, work on the part of both parties. If one does not want to play or work to make it work it is very hard.

I have often referred to a quote by President Spencer W. Kimball, and I paraphrase, when two unselfish people are put together in marriage and are willing to work for the happiness of the other then any two people can be put together and develop a loving marriage. It is when one becomes selfish, "I am not happy, I want more" that it starts to unravel.

Ben Raines

[FunkyTown]

Ben's right. Both of you should go to marriage councilling. Marriage isn't easy, but when two people make that commitment you both deserve to have each other see it through to the end.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

[Hooyah]

Hey Scared in Vegas. I have friends who have gone through what you are going through. I can ask them if you like about the temple sealing thing. I am very sorry for you and If I can help in anyway please ask! I am in Las Vegas as well, and I am a new convert to the church.

Edited January 30, 2009 by pam
please do not post email addresses for public view

[Dr T]

Welcome to this site and sorry to hear about your situation

[lilered]

It seems to me that he has reached his decision and you are having difficulty accepting it, which is understandable. He says he loves you but you don't make him happy? He is married to you but emails and texts other women.

I would suggest that you personally talk with your Bishop first and seek his counseling. Perhaps he will want to call your husband in and talk with him. He might even suggest counseling. If your husband does decide to leave without you, then you still need support and your ward can certaintly be there for you as well as your family. If you both indicate you love another, then certaintly the marriage is worth the effort to save, but it sounds like you need some outside influence to start the process.

[cjmaldrich]

Do what you can to get him to go see the Bishop with you... My wife and I never seemed to be happy together for the first 10 months we were married until we decided to go see our Bishop... Now we couldn't be happier.

If it's as bad as you say, he'll probably recommend professional counseling... I don't know your husband so I don't know how he'd react... But he'll probably take that suggestion better from the bishop than from you...

[Faded]

Scared is probably an understatement… I need some support and advice. I have been friends with my husband for 13 years we have been together for 5 and married for 3. When we got married we moved from the promise land (SLC) to Vegas. We have had our ups and downs. Over a year ago my husband came to me and said that he was not happy. We were going to try and make things work… well we really didn’t. Now it has come up again and he is planning on going home in the next few weeks. He says that he is just not happy with who he is, and where he is and he doesn’t know what he wants. He is confident that I don’t make him happy, he says he still loves me but can’t be with me. .

First off, I'm sorry to hear it! Having your spouse essentially give up on the marriage is a terrible thing to go through and I'm sorry that it's happening to you.

Has he been any more specific about what his frustrations, disappointments and complaints? You said that you were supposed to both be working on some things, but that you didn't work on them. Greatly depends on what the underlying causes are.

You're right to be upset that he is texting ex-girlfriends and similar things. That's wrong of him. That's sounding like a symptom and not a cause. A bit more information would be very helpful.

[Hemidakota]

Welcome to this site and sorry to hear about your situation

Ditto...but as Ben stated, time to visit your Bishop.

[AngelLynn]

Hey Scared, I read your topic title and wondered what you could be so scared about in Vegas. As I live near Vegas, well Henderson and I love my community for the most part and then I read your post....

I am sorry that things have fallen apart for you here. Seek out the Bishop as everyone else has suggested.

It also sounds like you need to seek out the church community around you as well. You sound isolated and sound like you need the guidence of friends at least in the Church in the Las Vegas area as well. I get the feeling that you also feel alone at least from the tone of your post. I could be wrong, but this is what I felt from your post.

Edited February 1, 2009 by AngelLynn

[foreverafter]

He is confident that I don’t make him happy, he says he still loves me but can’t be with me.

Here is what the Prophet's say to do in these situations: Don't worry, he can't get out of the marriage if you don't let him, not according to God at least. Just love him despite his choosing to follow the adversary & commit adultery (by calling old girlfriends or etc.) or other wickedness. Don't ever give up on him, one day he will repent & be so greatful to you that you held on to him & he will love you the most for it, if you choose to do so.

Keep your covenants to him & stay loving & faithful to him & put his welfare & happiness & desires & needs before your own each day. This service will develop a True Love in you that will give you strength & desire to see you through the hardest of times. Above all, rejoice & be exceedingly glad, for so persecuted they the prophets, & if you keep your covenants despite what he does, great shall be your reward & your love will win him over in the end, if not sooner. Worry no more.

Edited March 1, 2009 by foreverafter

[katiekins]

It sounds to me that your husband has a problem that he's not telling you. Does he have a problem with pornography?

He is sounding shady and guilty like porn addicts do. I know this from experience. Feel free to message me if you want to discuss this further. I am so sorry for all that you are going through. I am going through a lot at the moment too. Best wishes! I'm praying for you!

[qtpie09]

I am so sorry you are in such a painful situation. I can truly relate and want you to know that the only thing you can do is take care of yourself and not loose sight of your own eternal progression. You can't force a relationship, especially if the other person doesn't want it...that only causes resentment and will never truly heal any damage that has been done. What you CAN do is work on the only aspect you do have control over...YOU. Focus on anything and everything to better yourself as a person--spiritually, physically, and socially. Who knows, maybe that will be the ticket to him realizing what he is about to lose. Or, if the marriage fails, at least you will have hope of a better life for yourself.

There are many red flags here...it's best to not ignore them. I did in my own marriage for many years and the result was an utter catastrophy. Text messaging other girls and shady behavior was the beginning of our troubles also. Then my husband cheated on me and got another girl pregnant. I pray you never have to endure the kind of pain I am experiencing-- which is why I felt so strongly to respond to your post. If you feel something is not right, it probably isn't. If you don't question him, he will just keep being shady and think he's getting away with his behavior. You are worth more and deserve more than he is contributing to the marriage right now.

Please message me if you want. My prayers are with you!

[lestertheemt]

I'm sorry to hear of your situation. My husband and I recently watched "Fireproof" in a nutshell it is a movie about strengthing your marriage. It is from a non-LDS perspective and it makes a lot of sense. To paraphrase............."never leave a partner behind". Do small acts of service towards your husband and stay away from negative talk and action.

If you love him, and it sounds like you do..........then fight for him.................fight to keep him.

[Hemidakota]

Or to say; "MOVE FORWARD - TOGETHER!"