?? on bad feelings for others

[countrygirl66]

There is this pedophile (my daughter that I only have permanent legal guardianship of it is her step grandfather) I think the *** will be a scourge upon me and my family until he dies. Is it wrong to pray that he will have a heart attack and die. He goes through the birth mother, who has the mental ability of a 12 year old and minipulates her and causes all kinds of trouble. He has gone through my other family members to try to get to her. I really border on hating his guts and hoping he dies even if we both to to h***. Any ideas on how to deal with my feelings. He hates me because I will give him no contact with her at all. He tells the birth mother lies and I have to constantly deal with the situation. Other than him dying, I will have to deal with the situation for at least 6 more years, I have already been doing this for 6 years and it is hard and I am tired.

[Guest missingsomething]

This is definately a bad situation, and I feel for you. You know, instead of praying that he dies... perhaps you could pray for a solution to the problem. This way you are leaving it in heavenly Father's hand how to deal with it. Also pray for strength for both yourself and the birth mother. I'm really sorry you have to do this.

[jolee65]

If you dont go to the gym then you need to, you have every reason in the world to feel the way you do, but your child needs a healthy mom mentally as well as physically, find a way to get out your frustration in a healthy way, because that kind of hate can make you sick.

[NeuroTypical]

Is it wrong to pray that he will have a heart attack and die.

Yeah, it really is. It's wrong, not because the world wouldn't be a better place without him, but it's wrong because of the stain such thoughts leave on your soul.

Any ideas on how to deal with my feelings.

Yes. Control them. Feelings can be right or wrong, but they often get in the way. Be mindful of your duty to forgive this person. You don't need to do it tomorrow, but you ought to do it soon. Finding it hard to forgive a pedophile? Well, first of all, good - there are waaaay too many people who sacrifice their children to known dangers in order to appear "righteous" - they mistake blindness for forgiveness. But second of all - even though it is hard, it is in everyone's best interests for you to forgive him. Take a look:

The Healing Power of Forgiveness - James E. Faust - Ensign, May 2007

It is ok to acknowledge dangerous people as dangerous people. It is ok to refuse to be a doormat. It is your duty to protect people in your stewardship from dangerous people. It is ok to make righteous judgements - perhaps it would help you to learn which judgements you should make, and which ones you must avoid. Here is help:

“Judge Not” and Judging - Dallin H. Oaks - Ensign - August 1999

countrygirl66, I know a pedophile or two. I have firsthand knowledge about the feelings you mention. My advice - read these two links. Over and over. Internalize what's in these talks. Make it part of you.

LM

[Dove]

There is this pedophile (my daughter that I only have permanent legal guardianship of it is her step grandfather) I think the *** will be a scourge upon me and my family until he dies. Is it wrong to pray that he will have a heart attack and die. He goes through the birth mother, who has the mental ability of a 12 year old and minipulates her and causes all kinds of trouble. He has gone through my other family members to try to get to her. I really border on hating his guts and hoping he dies even if we both to to h***. Any ideas on how to deal with my feelings. He hates me because I will give him no contact with her at all. He tells the birth mother lies and I have to constantly deal with the situation. Other than him dying, I will have to deal with the situation for at least 6 more years, I have already been doing this for 6 years and it is hard and I am tired.

What an awful, awful situation!!

Definately doesn't sound safe for your daughter~I'm so sorry you're having to deal with something as terrible as this!

You're wishes for him to die only sounds like frustration and perhaps how powerless you feel against the barrage of his attacks, to me. My suggestion would be for you to take action in this case. Do something more to protect your daughter.

Have you reported him to the authorities? Gotten a restraining order? Pressed charges? Was your daughter molested by him already? Is she in counseling/therapy now to heal? If I were you, I would open my mouth and talk/gather evidence about everything he has done to lead you to call him a pedophile. Report it, report it, report it. Report the birth mom's mentality and the danger it is putting your daughter in. Be vocal. Do everything you can to protect your daughter and get this horrific person out of your lives.

Then worry about the appropriateness of your thoughts towards him. I think then they will be different.

Best of luck!

Dove

[Jmidgley]

These types of situations are difficult and need to obviously be handled on a personal basis between ourselves and our father in heaven. I have a similar situation of "hate and disgust" toward others. I will briefly share with you. I never went on a mission and instead I married my wife. Great decision? Probably not as it caused much sorrow and contention in our lives. My wifes parents dissowned her for not getting her eduation first and not marrying a returned missionary. We did marry in the SLC temple but none of this mattered. They did not talk to her or have anything to do with the children for over 7 years. Some of the things said to her and about me were very difficult to take in. I have said over and over agian "I hate those people". It has been a struggle for me now for many years. They are in her life and in the childrens lives but only through the bonds of daughter and parents. What i mean is nothing was ever discussed and everyone took a blind eye and just started one day to pretend that nothing ever happened. Me personally I am not ok with that. I have spent alot of years convincing myself that I shouldnt "hate" them for the awful things they did and said. I think today I am just outside of the box of "hate" and leaning more towards frustration. I have told my wife that I want nothing personally to do with them till they are ready to be adults and talk about the situation. So anyways I know not a pedifile but trust me great feelings of "HATE". I have since become discusted with the word hate and dont like it when I hear it. I think it is very strong and I can say that I have felt that before. My point I think is that time will heal. There are many great suggestions allready in this post that I think are important to adhere to. Once you get that hate out of your heart and find a different way to cope then you will find much more peace in your heart and find an easier way to cope with your personal situation. God bless you for your dealings with such an awful trial. You will be in my prayers.

[RadioactiveWolfboy]

i know how you feel. My daughter was molested by a friends son over a period of seven years. They are also members of the Church. My daughter was 14 when I found out. She just barely pressed charges in december of 2008. It took her that long to get up the courage to file a statement. Part of what made her finally do it, was that he was stalking her at work. His probation officer finally stepped in and dealt with him. He molested 5 children, including his sister and 2 young nieces, all girls in total. When he came to me at first I was kind and understanding, but as I watched him complain about having to possibly go to jail and that he shouldn't be punished, Well I grew very angry and wanted to hurt him. I finally just started to ignore him and tried to be forgiving. I have come to the point where I am starting to forgive. That doesn't mean that I have to be his friend. When I found out that he was excommunicated, I felt like a burden was lifted and felt sorry for him at the same time. I hope he will get his life in order. All we can do is pray for them and the victims. Hate will just destroy us. I know it ate at me. They had him attend a different ward because I told them it took all that I had in me to not hurt him when I saw him. Plus my daughter said she would not attend church while he was there. Your feelings are valid and part of the process. It will take time to forgive. I know it took me many meetings with the Bishop and counselors to get where I am. The hardest part for me, was that I would hang out with his family alot. I now rarely see them. The mother is very upset with me for having my daughter press charges and for my ex wife and I for filing statements against him. It is a really hard thing to deal with. Seeing my daughter fall away from the church because of it was hard too. So I understand how you feel. Good luck with this. God bless!!

Rich

[Gwen]

ok sorry for being slow here..... you have a daughter.... her father is married to a woman who's father is a convicted pedophile? so when you daughter visits her father she is being exposed to the grandfather?

if he is convicted are there not rules about him being around children? if not can you make it a legal matter of the custody agreement. make it say that she can not be around him. if she is around him then you can use that to suspend all visitation or have supervised visitation only.

typically i am completely against mothers taking such action to impede upon a child's relationship with the father but if there is a real documented threat that he will not protect his child from you have to do something. the child's right to not be sexually abused trumps the fathers rights to visits if he will not take appropriate measures on his own.

i find when i have control of a situation it's much easier to not have feelings of hatred or negativity toward another. i think the feelings of hate come from a fear of things we can not control. their agency will have major impact, we can't trust them to use that agency wisely or we can't trust ourselves to be able to handle the outcome when/if they use their agency unwisely, so we become angry and wish for bad things to just remove them from our lives. i think it's a pretty natural feeling. so my advise is take control of the situation. make keeping him away part of the custody order. if you don't have the money and it's already against the law for him to be around children then gather the evidence needed to show he has violated the terms of his release and report it. if he's in jail then he can't hurt your daughter.

don't make it a witch hunt, or make false claims, don't seek retribution or revenge.... simply take control of your life. meanwhile pray for guidance on how to do it and for the feelings to be removed.

[Hemidakota]

There is this pedophile (my daughter that I only have permanent legal guardianship of it is her step grandfather) I think the *** will be a scourge upon me and my family until he dies. Is it wrong to pray that he will have a heart attack and die. He goes through the birth mother, who has the mental ability of a 12 year old and minipulates her and causes all kinds of trouble. He has gone through my other family members to try to get to her. I really border on hating his guts and hoping he dies even if we both to to h***. Any ideas on how to deal with my feelings. He hates me because I will give him no contact with her at all. He tells the birth mother lies and I have to constantly deal with the situation. Other than him dying, I will have to deal with the situation for at least 6 more years, I have already been doing this for 6 years and it is hard and I am tired.

Good to hear that with no contact rule. At this point, having lost trust and his own lack of creditability, protecting the child is more important than our own lives.

Perhaps, it is time for the Savior's servants to take action.

Do not loose faith in yourselves or harbor the negativism but leave it now in his hands.

[countrygirl66]

Thanks for all of your thoughts, it helps to not feel alone. I have been able to keep physical contact from taking place. The hard part is that i am her permanent legal guardian and so that leaves her birth mother in the picture. This step grandfather is like most pedophiles, (claiming to be innocent) (he isn't) He got throught to her on a cell phone the other day when she was talking to her brother and it took me an hour to talk her out from under the bed. I think if he would go away I could work on forgiveness, but he never goes away he is always working some angle to make contact. He lives in the state of kansas and will not be prosecuted. I have talked and talked to child services there and the law enforcement and was pretty much told to mind my own business. I know I have to do this, but it is really hard. I just feel like I will be fighting him until one of us leaves this earth. Thanks for your good thoughts and encouragement to keep trying. I sometimes think that is the biggest challenge of the times we live in.