Not attracted to wife

[bytor2112]

I have a friend at church who has shared with me that he is no longer attracted to his wife. He doesn't want a divorce and is not planning to leave, he is just not physically attracted to her anymore.

What changed? He said she has gained a lot of weight and just doesn't take care of herself anymore. I think he feels pretty miserable about it.

What do you do when this happens? I am guessing that if he had gained a lot of weight and didn't take care of himself very well, she might feel the same. Any advice?

[WillowTheWhisp]

How would he feel if she'd been disfigured in an accident?

Real love should be much more than skin deep.

[Dravin]

For him no, for you yes. Run away from this thread as fast as you can.

Actually he's in a tough spot, if he were to just one day pipe up, "Honey, I don't find you attractive anymore." that I don't think would go over very well. However, at least in my mind it could be a legitimate issue he can't just tap himself on the back of the head and make himself attracted to her. My guess would be to suggest getting in shape together or trying to get her to go to more physical activities with him. "Honey, want to go swimming with me? It'd be great for our hearts." would go over better than the above I imagine. Diet can be another issue, "Honey, I think we should start eating more whole grains and less McDonalds." as opposed to, "If you eat another Big Mac I think I'm gonna be sick."

That could be an example of mind games though, and I hate mind games.

Also, he should start getting on his knees, whether the problem is he has unrealistic expenctations for his wife or his wife really should consider trying to reduce her weight the Lord can help him out as to how to approach either problem, or both.

How would he feel if she'd been disfigured in an accident?

Real love should be much more than skin deep.

He never said he didn't love her, just that he isn't attracted to her. If I got chewed up so my face looked like hamburger and I put on 200 lbs I'd still expect my wife to love me, I wouldn't however expect me to get her motor revved.

[jeffstott2003]

I agree with willowthewhisp here, I am a counseler by profession and I am concerend that his attratcion to her was superfical when they first ,met and now that she has gained a few pounds and does not care about herself gives me a few red flags buyt what you friend needs to do is read the march or february ensign about a mother who feels that she is not worthy or good looking enough for her husabnd and he needs to apply it to himself.

[bytor2112]

I think they have a pretty good relationship. I don't think it is uncommon for a spouse to lose "interest" in their significant other for various reasons.

Physical attraction certainly plays a part in the whole relationship process, and let's face it, everyone'e appearance changes as the years roll by. His wife is not un-attractive, but she has put a "substantial" amount of weight.

[bytor2112]

For him no, for you yes. Run away from this thread as fast as you can.

????:huh:

[WillowTheWhisp]

He never said he didn't love her, just that he isn't attracted to her. If I got chewed up so my face looked like hamburger and I put on 200 lbs I'd still expect my wife to love me, I wouldn't however expect me to get her motor revved.

OK then maybe I'm weird but when I look at someone I love I look into their eyes not at the size of their rear end.

[Dravin]

????

These kinds of threads can get hairy.

OK then maybe I'm weird but when I look at someone I love I look into their eyes not at the size of their rear end.

Well, they say men are are more visually wired than women when it comes to attraction. That said, the rear end doesn't affect whether I love them or not its just one of the variables in getting my motor revved. *Rwoar* and "I love you." are two different things one is mostly a physical response the other emotional. I can think *rwoar* of people I don't love and think, "I love you." to people I don't think *rwoar*.

*shrug*

[teddyk]

If I where in his shoes, I'd ask myself will I still love her in heaven,when she is again as attractive as the day he asked "will you marry me" I do understand his problem tho,it is a hard one.

[GingerGolden]

hmmm...

Well, to be quite blunt and Gentile about the matter, maybe he should drag her off to the bedroom more often and they can work it off together!

Sounds like a winner to me!

[Dravin]

I do hear that kind of thing is good exercise. I think we have a winner.

[bert10]

bytor2112....

The problem is not with his wife..but with himself. "Unconditional Love" is first an act of will.

Just as we are what we eat ....we become in our hearts what we think. In proverbs I beleive it is written "as a man thinketh in his heart so is he."

What he is going through is one of the problems that belongs in "conditional Love".

I tell you the truth you guys...the only thing that never faileth is Charity [unconditional Love]. All other types of Love are worldly and will fail and it is called darkness by the Lord. With that kind of worldly Love no man is perfected with it. This type of Love brings with it fear and torments.

1 John 4:18 - There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.

The greater problem in most marriages is trying to fix our Spouse before fixing ourselves.

"Unconditional Love" does not force, nor compel our spouse, it is patience, forgiveness, mercy and it increases as we give it out...it is never ending for God fills our heart so that we never run out of it. It is also called Living waters by Jesus.

When one gives our love by condition and the conditions changes so does our love. But with "Unconditional Love" no outside factors can influence it. Jesus loves both the wicked and the Just.

Peace be unto you

bert10

I have a friend at church who has shared with me that he is no longer attracted to his wife. He doesn't want a divorce and is not planning to leave, he is just not physically attracted to her anymore.

What changed? He said she has gained a lot of weight and just doesn't take care of herself anymore. I think he feels pretty miserable about it.

What do you do when this happens? I am guessing that if he had gained a lot of weight and didn't take care of himself very well, she might feel the same. Any advice?

Edited April 3, 2009 by bert10

[bytor2112]

hmmm...

Well, to be quite blunt and Gentile about the matter, maybe he should drag her off to the bedroom more often and they can work it off together!

Sounds like a winner to me!

Perhaps he isn't interested in dragging her off to the bedroom because of he finds her sexually un-attractive.

[GingerGolden]

Perhaps he isn't interested in dragging her off to the bedroom because of he finds her sexually un-attractive.

I understand that, of course, but he married her for some reason.

Besides, sometimes that might be just the thing to do...

IMO, I don't think the problem is all her problem.

They are a couple and well, sometimes you have to add oil to the car to keep it running.

What else is bothering him? Or her for that matter...

[Dravin]

Maybe she's not interested in loosing weight? A marriage in which both parties only do what they are interested in doing is asking for the hurt.

[GingerGolden]

A marriage in which both parties only do what they are interested in doing is asking for the hurt.

This is true!

I'm wondering...

I saw an old film one time about a bunch of natives, the woman others didn't think was so pretty or appealing, but the guy who married her, saw deeper than that. Johnny Lingo was the name of the film.

Whether ya'll realize it or not, it works the same way for fat gals.

Sometimes you just have to look a little deeper, do a little more.

If this guy we are talking about took the time to say and do things that make his wife feel pretty and like the sweetheart he courted, I bet she'd come around.

Someone has to make the first move it seems, so why not him?

Why not woo her more often, get the oil running hot again.

He and she might just surprise them both!

It is some of the best exercise you can find...

[Guest musicman]

i would start asking the lord to intervein. Have strong prayer sessions together. Be praying for the lord to see what is missiing in thier relationship and have him guide you in what is missing. Inner beauty is the most important. I know how important is is for woman to know how valuable they are.

[bytor2112]

I think the assumption that he is not "adding" oil is quite a leap. I am fairly certain that he is......as I asked him if they were still "intimate" and he said yes and frequently. But , I think the whole weight and self esteem issue has made that part of there relationship not very fulfilling......I think.

[GingerGolden]

I think the assumption that he is not "adding" oil is quite a leap. I am fairly certain that he is......as I asked him if they were still "intimate" and he said yes and frequently. But , I think the whole weight and self esteem issue has made that part of there relationship not very fulfilling......I think.

*nods*

I didn't mean he wasn't either.

What I mean is that if he takes the time to boost her up, he will see a difference in her.

Women do it all the time, try to hold their man up, boost his self esteem.

Kinda like making a little good fuss cause he can open jars that she can't.

He can reach things and do things that she can't.

Right now, she's the one needing the extra boost from him.

Seems fair enough, I think...

If you go out of your way to make someone feel better and you do it as a mission to accomplish something, it can be done.

She needs some positive affirmations from him.

People sometimes are like putty in your hand, depending on how you treat it makes a difference in the finished results.

And I agree with the poster up ^ there. He should pray, they should pray together.

Edited April 4, 2009 by GingerGolden

[bytor2112]

So, your saying he should accentuate the positive aspects of his wife and give her some extra attention and that will boost her self esteem and her desire to take control of her life again?

[GingerGolden]

So, your saying he should accentuate the positive aspects of his wife and give her some extra attention and that will boost her self esteem and her desire to take control of her life again?

Yes Sir!

I do think that would help...

Tell her how much she means to him.

Tell her she's pretty even if right now, he isn't seeing it. Tell her anyway.

If he loves her and wants his sweetheart back he should let her know that he loves her no matter what.

Give her something to feel good about, something to smile about when he isn't even right there with her.

Ask him to think back on some of the things that he did when they were first courting that he knows makes her feel good and smile.

Right now, she's more than likely knee deep in a depression.

Doing and saying positive things will help him help her and their marriage.

Edited April 4, 2009 by GingerGolden

[blusun7]

I think it is hard with the world portraying the perfect woman...at all times. Turn off the tv and throw away any bad magazine

There two things i see here

1)she has lost confidents for some reason and you know where she gets to get it from???him!! this is his time to shine and show her he loves her no matter what. Woman do this all the time men don't. It is something we work at.

2)she is just tired too from all lifes thrown at her. She doesnt care and has become idle more like going through the motions like we all do.

Maybe they need to push restart button.Together :)

This is my own opinion though

[lestertheemt]

sorry all I am going to bore you all w/ a story......and yes it is true...................

When I was young my father was severely burned (58%). To make a long story short he looked and to this day his body looks horrible. I will NEVER forget being in that burn unit and seeing my mother hold his hand. Right there and then without a doubt I knew what love was. Love is more then a mere attraction it is more then just a feeling. It simply is so much more.

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I would hope that my husband would still love me if I was unable to loss wt. due to medical conditions. If she is unwilling to loss wt. maybe just maybe it is her self-esteem is the issue. Maybe he needs to help her w/ that.

just my 2 cents

[countrygirl66]

Just a coupe of my thoughts

My weight has gone up and down over the years. Right now it is up. I would first say that I am very aware of it. I am not feeling well and that is complicating it even more. I know my h has noticed. His being overwieght hasn't ever bothered me but me being overweight bothers him. He doesn't say anything about it and so we're good. I know he still loves me and we laugh together a lot. We go out on a date almost every weekend. The reality is if he really wanted me to lose weight, he would make time available for me to go to the gym or go with me. When he takes time to pamper me and make me feel like I look great, I take more interest in looking great. (not immediately but eventually) When he forgets, I keep running kids, doing laundry, cooking etc. but there is no boss to say great job. So eventually I burn out and then he remembers. The good part is that he always loves me we just keep working on the rest. I hope your friend can find some answers. Maybe some long term pampering would help and a break can do wonders.

[RachelleDrew]

This is a two way street.

We have an obligation to our spouses to try and remain attractive to them if we can. Obviously there are some situations in which we cannot help our appearances, but overall we should give it our best effort.

I'm a huge girly-girl and my husband sometimes gets a little too comfortable with that. He didn't see me without makeup on until the day my son was born. So sometimes there are long periods in which he doesn't compliment me or acknowledge my efforts because I do it every day and he doesn't think he needs to. This leads to me thinking "oh, he doesn't care that I work hard to look pretty for him. So I just won't do the work". So i get lazy with makeup and dressing up for a while.

See how it's kind of a cycle? This isn't necessarily his fault or his wife's fault. It just happens sometimes. We forget about each other in the middle of life's business, then become apathetic as a result of misunderstandings and assumptions.

He can be honest with his wife without making her feel bad. It's all about phrasing.