Not attracted to wife

[SirWilcomb]

I have a friend at church who has shared with me that he is no longer attracted to his wife. He doesn't want a divorce and is not planning to leave, he is just not physically attracted to her anymore.

That's a good start that he doesn't want a divorce, but I can't help wondering why. Does he love her?

What changed? He said she has gained a lot of weight and just doesn't take care of herself anymore. I think he feels pretty miserable about it.

Gaining weight is one thing. Not taking care of herself is another.

Point 1, is she dangerously overweight or just a little chubbier? Is it that she no longer has the supermodel figure he 'fell in love with'?. If she is just slightly heavier than she once was but otherwise fit and healthy he should learn to accept that. We all change as we grow older. She will not remain the young bride for ever. Where would he draw the line in having her try to maintain those looks? Would he want her to have a face lift, a tummy tuck, eye contouring, botox injections? If the answer to any of those is yes then he is the one who has the problem. We all grow older. I would rather my wife grow old gracefully than look like a wax model or a startled trout.However, of she is dangerously overweight then he could talk to her lovingly about wanting to help her lose some of it, for the sake of her health, not for the sake of his eyes.

Point 2 if by 'not taking care of herself' he means basic things like personal hygeine then he has a valid point. No-one wants to live with someone who is dirty and smelly. If she doesn't ever wash or brush her hair he has a point. I would expect my wife to be basically clean and respectable. I don't need her to wear make-up all day though and look like she has been on a fashion shoot when she has been home all day with the kids, cooking and cleaning the house. I don't mind her looking scruffy with hair tied back in a band and old clothes and wellies on if she is weeding the garden. She still looks gorgeous to me with dirt in her finger nails and soil on the end of her nose.

Your friend sounds to me like he is going through the stage where some men fall into the trap of looking at attractive young women and wondering why their wife doesn't still look like that. Then some of them make the mistake of wondering if those attractive young women would find them attractive. Then some of them make the even bigger mistake of trying to find out, and the next thing they know their lives are in tatters. Eventually some of them realise they are fools but by then it may be too late.

My advice to your friend would be a little self analysis goes a long way.

Edited April 5, 2009 by SirWilcomb

[mikbone]

Has your friend ever given his wife a reason to think that she will never live up to his expectations.

Pornography, flirting with other women, talking about other women, ignoring her to spend more time with his friends or at work?

If I was Lucifer and I wanted to destroy families. This is the way that I would do it. It is subtle, but painful, and infects everyone in the whole family

Edited April 5, 2009 by mikbone

[Guest missingsomething]

I know this wasn't the focus of the post, but I think the approach has to be, how can WE get in better shape and WE get healthy together? If the approach is YOU need to get in better shape or even YOU need to get healthy - that's not gonna go over as well.

Yes que - that is exactly what I meant.

[RachelleDrew]

He can be honest with his wife without making her feel bad. It's all about phrasing.

Someone asked me what a way of "phrasing" it would be.

Here's something; push the looks aspect into the background and focus more on things that aren't as ego-driven to the female.

What are some other effects the excess weight are having on his wife? There is ALWAYS more to weight gain than just not being able to fit into your favorite jeans. Some women have mood swings, or depression. Others have health problems like high blood pressure or diabetes. Sometimes it affects their self-esteem so not only are they overweight, but they don't feel good about themselves enough to even have sex with their husbands or do their hair.

Most forward statement: "Honey, you are getting fat. I still love you, but I am not attracted to you anymore. You need to lose x amount of lbs before I am attracted to you again."

Instead of that, try this. "Honey, i'm worried about your health. I know you have a lot going on, and that sometimes exercising and eating right can fall by the wayside when you do as much as you do. But I want us to have a long life together, without having to worry about your diabetes/heart/depression. Is there anything I can do to help you out to make taking care of your health a little easier on you?"

^THAT is what I would like to hear if my husband ever felt the way your friend does. If his wife goes postal over a statement like that, then she's just got insecurity issues. Most women who are level-headed wouldn't find any offense in a statement like that.

Timing is also an important thing. Discussing your wife's weight in front of other people at dinner? Wrong idea. It seems like a no-brainer but you would be amazed how many of our mutual friends discuss this in front of us with their wives. It just becomes a fight that is super uncomfortable for everyone involved, and typically ends with her soothing her wounded ego with her friends Ben and Jerry.

A good time would be when SHE brings it up. And she will, trust me. How many times a day do women complain about their weight? Constantly. Use that as an opportunity next time she complains about her weight and not feeling pretty. Tell her that if she is worried about her weight, that you would love to start exercising as a family, or ask her if she would like you to cook a healthy supper that night or something. Seriously, only an insane girl would not feel loved by that.

I understand that some girls are just nutty about stuff like this. But why would you marry a girl who would be like that anyway?

[Faded]

LOL, I thought the correct answer to, "Honey do you think I'm fat?" was to resolutely say, "No!" and then immediately find the best possible reason to leave the room and end the conversation.

The truth of the matter, when a women asks her husband if he thinks she's fat, the last thing she wants to hear from him is, "Yes." Typically, she's fishing for either reassurance or a compliment -- probably a good bit of both. So for the VAST majority of women, if the man answers honestly when she brings it up is a disaster -- unless of course she is not overweight in the slightest. Even then it can be a disaster. Any answer to that question can be disastrous.

Society has led to women turning the topic of weight into a mine-field. Yes there are ways to navigate it safely, but the men will not be given a map of where all the deadly land-mines are because the women don't really know. It's an emotional issue and for that reason there is no way to predict the woman's reaction to ANYTHING. A man only has to go charging into this mine-field a couple times to realize he doesn't want to be there.

I think that each case is different. Some women will blow up over things that will not bother other women. Marriage creates a broad sense of security that leads both man and woman alike to start acting more like themselves and less focused on winning the affections of the opposite gender. What are the chances of single man to win the heart of a woman if he is seldom affectionate and seems uninterested in every woman he dates? What if he is rude and unpleasant at every turn? What chance does he have at winning the heart of a girl? What are his chances? Lousy. Pretty much next to nothing. What are the chances of a single woman who goes to absolutely no effort to keep her self physically fit, make herself look good, etc. What if she is rude and unpleasant at every turn and pesters each prospective future husband about everything she thinks he should be doing differently in his life? What if she greets her date for the evening with hair that is all over the place, no shower and looking like she just woke up in the morning and called it good. What are that woman's chances of winning a husband? Lousy. Terrible. Next to nothing.

After getting married and being married for awhile, both men and women default to exactly those sorts of behaviors. They default to their true selves, and that is fine and well. But they also default to not hardly trying anymore, figuring they don't need to. So women complain that the romance disappears and their husband is not so attentive nor complimentary nor gentlemanly. Men complain that their spouse gains weight and seldom bothers to wear makeup or try to look pretty anymore, and that their spouse is constantly nagging them. My point is, we treat are spouse with less dignity and respect that we would have dreamed of doing when we were single. In my estimation, THAT is the underlying problem.

But I think women need to understand this much:

1.) Men do not go into marriage anticipating drastic weight gain, so it's a disappointing shock for each man it happens to.

2.) At the same time, the man knows full well that the woman did not TRY to gain weight. It just happens. He doesn't stop loving her over the matter.

3.) Extra weight ain't pretty. It's just a fact of life. Any woman who is overweight and knows it can rest assured that her husband would greatly appreciate it if she lost weight. She doesn't need to ask and she doesn't need wait for him to bring it up to know this.

4.) If the man is bringing it up, then in most cases, he's been suffering in silence for a very long time. Any idiot knows you just don't bring it up, but sometimes it bothers you too much for too long and you just can't take it anymore.

The thing that puzzles me about the topic more than anything else: It is virtually impossible to have honest and open communication on the subject. I think that is extremely sad. And as with any other topic in a marriage, if you can't have honest communication on it, there will be damage to the marriage while the one person keeps their mouth shut and says nothing. That is the real tragedy.

Edited April 6, 2009 by Faded

[Gwen]

faded, i can't agree with all your assertions. some men do like heavier women. not all fat is unsightly. a good deal of women gain weight cause that's how women age, especially if they have children. women don't get married expecting to gain weight, it's as much a disappointment and shock to them as the husband, if not more so. gaining weight and not showering or wearing makeup are not the same thing, aren't even in the same boat for that matter. society is not the reason the topic of weight can be a minefield in marriages. weight is a minefield cause men have failed to accept and have compassion about the fact that gaining weight is as almost uncontrollable for women as going bald (or nose or ears getting disproportionally large and hairy) is for men. the problem becomes that men have a bit more and simpler answers to their aging issue than women do about theirs. women get defensive and hurt cause they do care, it does bother them, this isn't the body they planned on having either. it's a shame some women will have to wait till they get to the other side to experience true christ-like love from their husbands.

[applepansy]

Mr. applepansy and I discussed this thread last night. We've been married 32 years.

We were married young (I was 18 and he was 19). I took modeling classes and my husband still loves to look at my portfolio. After our first child was born he told me I couldn't gain more than 20 pounds because he didn't marry someone fat. (My body type is exactly opposite of his extended family. I truly believe he wanted someone long and lean.) I stayed thin until 20 years ago when I got sick.

Flash forward 30 years. I'm 60 pounds overweight. I've gone through seven pregnancies with four live births, Menigitis, Fibromyalgia for 20 years, and in the last 10 we've added 2 other autoimmune diseases and a bunch of other symptoms without a cause. When a woman's body goes through pregnancy, her immune system goes on hold in some aspects so that it won't reject the baby. Sometimes because of hormone issues the immune response can malfunction, or the hormones malfunction. This is more common than we realize in our society. And these issues cause health issues that will manifest as weight gain. This kind of weight cannot be exercised away, nor does bariatric surgery help.

This last month has been very difficult and overwhelming for my husband. Not only is he worried about his job, but he has had to do the cooking and cleaning because I had two procedures relating to my left kidney and I'm not healing as fast as expected. The man I'm married to today is not the same one I married 32 years ago. I married my best friend and now I can say he is more than my best friend.

My husband was surprised I brought this thread up to discuss with him. With a "you've got to be kidding" look on his face he said "You choose a book for its cover, but you fall in love with the story inside." As we discussed this analogy I saw more in it. A beloved book becomes tattered and worn. The pages become dog-eared. The spine gets bent. After several years a book even can become "fat" as the pages absorb moisture and the oils from the hands handling the book repeatedly. No matter how carefully you handle a book you love, just the fact that you handle/read it frequently causes wear and tear and it doesn't look like the book you were first attracted to.

I see this analogy resembling our bodies... male and female. I also see that this analogy is like a marriage. If you truly love the story inside you're going to change how the outside looks.

I also remembered something else as we talked: "We come to love those we serve."

Bytor, My advice for your friend is, 1st- realize that change is part of life, and 2nd, Serve his wife. As he learns to give meaningful service to his spouse he will discover the reasons behind the weight gain. And he might surprise himself and find that the outward appearance is only a small part of what he's attracted to.

Fireproof is a good movie that illustrates what grows love and attraction. Dr. Brinley's books also are helpful. There have been other books recommended in this thread. They might help your friend realize that in reality his thoughts about his wife are truly selfish. He's thinking about himself, instead of thinking about how to serve his spouse.

Charity truly does begin at home .....I will also say that Charity in the home begins in the bedroom.

applepansy

[bytor2112]

Gaining weight can be associated with aging, but it can also be associated with a sedentary lifestyle. In my friends wife's case....it's probably both. I have recently learned that she has been exercising and eating a healthier diet.

I would imagine it is very discouraging to see your eternal companion lose interest in staying fit.....even temporarily. I don't imagine anyone who marries someone that they are physically turned on by is very excited about excessive weight gain, whether by the man or the woman. It's one thing to be slightly over your ideal weight because of lifestyle choices.....say 10-20 lbs, but to be 60-100lbs over weight because of no exercise and poor diet is ....gross. When a person, male or female stops resembling the person you married because of laziness, obviously, the physical attraction can take a turn for the worse.

All of the advice and comments have been much better than my advice. I suggested he dump her for someone really young and hot!! (just joking).

[Guest]

faded, i can't agree with all your assertions. some men do like heavier women. not all fat is unsightly. a good deal of women gain weight cause that's how women age, especially if they have children. women don't get married expecting to gain weight, it's as much a disappointment and shock to them as the husband, if not more so. gaining weight and not showering or wearing makeup are not the same thing, aren't even in the same boat for that matter. society is not the reason the topic of weight can be a minefield in marriages. weight is a minefield cause men have failed to accept and have compassion about the fact that gaining weight is as almost uncontrollable for women as going bald (or nose or ears getting disproportionally large and hairy) is for men. the problem becomes that men have a bit more and simpler answers to their aging issue than women do about theirs. women get defensive and hurt cause they do care, it does bother them, this isn't the body they planned on having either. it's a shame some women will have to wait till they get to the other side to experience true christ-like love from their husbands.

Hi Gwen, I don't think we're talking about the same kind of weight gain here. There's weight gain and then there's health. What you're talking about is the weight gain that everybody goes through - male or female - when the metabolism starts to slow down. The weight gain I thought we're talking about in this thread is the "unhealthy" kind - the one that caused my knees to go bad and my cholesterol to go sky-high.

There's no reason that weight gain can't be controlled unless you have a medical condition - for example, my friend has lupos, so she had to take some steroid-type meds that caused her to gain a lot of weight - over 100 lbs! She tried to control by diet and exercising more but then it caused congestive heart failure, so it's a battle she can't win.

The words of wisdom are there to advice us to take care of our bodies. I put an unhealthy diet causing weight gain in the same boat as drinking coffee.

And, I don't think that a husband not liking your figure means he doesn't love you with Christ-like love. There are a lot more to a person than her figure and, I'm sure this is not the problem presented in this thread because, otherwise, we would be hearing - "My wife has gained a lot of weight, how can I tell her I'm leaving her for somebody else better?". The poster even mentioned that her weight gain hasn't stopped the guy from seeking physical comfort from his wife. Instead the poster asked how he can communicate with his wife on something that a woman is sensitive to without ruining the marriage. And that's the problem here - women (except me, seems like) equate a guy saying, "you're fat" to "I don't love you".

For example, it really bothers me when my husband comes home from church basketball smelling like a gym sock. The car stinks, I get sweat-soggy laundry that makes me puke to be near to, and I can't even be near him until he's had a shower. That doesn't mean I love him less. And, my husband doesn't get uppity when I tell him - nope, you're not coming near me, or even anywhere in the house until you've showered.

I know this is not the same as being fat - smelling like a gym sock can be easily fixed whereas weight gain is much harder. But, the principle is the same.

I don't ask my husband if I look fat unless I'm willing to hear the truth - he's one of those men who always says what he means and means what he says. Which is one of the reasons I fell in love with the bloke. I will never have to roll his words around in my head trying to figure out what it means. Which is really cool when he does say, "Girl, you look great in that dress!", because I know it's high praise that he really, truly means. And that's why I try to take care of myself - not only because I want to be healthy, but also because I love hearing that from him! It's a great ego-boost! I still need to lose 35 pounds to get back to healthy weight. And I'm already hearing all these praises from him!

We would come home from a 2-mile fast walk (that does nothing for him because he can RUN 2 miles without breaking a sweat - so this is all for me) and I'm huffing and puffing and aching and he would say, "Wow, your heart is getting much stronger now!", or he would say, "You're such a great wife and mother."... man, I'm ready to fast walk another 2 miles just to hear him say it again. That's the up-side of that brutal honesty.

I guess that's why we've lasted 12 years in this marriage with our drastically different backgrounds and personalities - I'm about the only girl on the planet that he can call fat and not chop his head off while he sleeps. I know he loves me, he knows I love him and we both want the kind of "forever" that LDS believes in. That's really what's important. As long as you both know that and is secure in that reality, then you can be honest about everything else.

[RachelleDrew]

One other question I had was this; what does your friend look like? Is he cute? If not, he's got no place complaining about his wife.

My husband and I had a friend of his over not too long ago. This guy (who has a unibrow and looks like he's been punched in the nose about a half a dozen times) brought up a discussion about how his wife was getting fat and how she was no longer attractive.

My husband was kind of offended and said "wil, when have you ever been attractive?"

I always find it funny when ugly men expect to have pretty women on their arms.

[talisyn]

Please tell me a right way to say, "I think you're fat and I really wish you would lose some weight." <-- That is the short, simple and completely honest truth that so many men want to say. Many will spend years and years wanting to broach the subject. But they do not dare say a thing, for fear of having their throats slit while they sleep.

I do not think there is any possible way to state that truth without making a woman go completely ballistic. If women would be so kind as to provide the magical combination of words for the men in their lives, then the men in their lives won't have to go crazy in silence, wanting to say something but knowing they can't, for fear of slow and painful death.

If any woman can answer this riddle, she will be praised and adored by men for all-time, for she will have accomplished a feat that is truly impossible. She will have solved, the ULTIMATE RIDDLE.

"Honey, economic times being what they are I think we should stop eating out as much. If we buy stuff we have to cook we can make more and freeze the leftovers. We should also look into other forms of entertainment. How about we take the kids to the park a few times a week and show them us old folks can play just as hard as the kids? We can take long walks and ride bikes, it'll be fun! (This is where the husband holds his wife's hands and gazes deeply into her eyes) I love you and want us to be together for many many more years. Let's start making good habits for the kids, and let's enjoy each other's company like we use to."

Easy as that.

[Guest]

One other question I had was this; what does your friend look like? Is he cute? If not, he's got no place complaining about his wife.

My husband and I had a friend of his over not too long ago. This guy (who has a unibrow and looks like he's been punched in the nose about a half a dozen times) brought up a discussion about how his wife was getting fat and how she was no longer attractive.

My husband was kind of offended and said "wil, when have you ever been attractive?"

I always find it funny when ugly men expect to have pretty women on their arms.

This sounds really funny... but oh, so wrong... I love Bert from Sesame Street with his unibrow. And I love my friend's english bulldog with his punched-in face. They're soooo cute!

In any case, somebody who is not cute to me doesn't mean he's not cute to somebody else. She married the bloke, didn't she? I don't understand why she would marry a guy she didn't find attractive when the first thing that she sees when she wakes up every single day for the rest of her life is his face. But, you won't believe what a winning personality can do to your face! It's instant make-over... Have you ever heard the phrase, "he looks so handsome until he opened his mouth."?

So, yeah, I think it's a given that the guy is attractive to her. Maybe not to us. But hey, God gives us our looks, nothing we can do about it - He didn't give us an extra 100 pounds. We gain that ourselves.

Edited April 6, 2009 by anatess

[Hemidakota]

I have a friend at church who has shared with me that he is no longer attracted to his wife. He doesn't want a divorce and is not planning to leave, he is just not physically attracted to her anymore.

What changed? He said she has gained a lot of weight and just doesn't take care of herself anymore. I think he feels pretty miserable about it.

What do you do when this happens? I am guessing that if he had gained a lot of weight and didn't take care of himself very well, she might feel the same. Any advice?

What change is his own attitude. There are some underlining issues that is not being presented more than just weight here.

True love is eternal and enduring through our trial of mortal life. You need to ask him about his own role as a husband and what he can do to help to build there marriage.

[RachelleDrew]

But hey, God gives us our looks, nothing we can do about it - He didn't give us an extra 100 pounds. We gain that ourselves.

He could try destroying the caterpillars on his face. He used to pluck, now he doesn't bother. Plucking your eyebrows takes like five minutes, way less time that it would take for his wife to lose weight.

I'm just saying that there are some men out there who expect their wives to look hot constantly, but can't be bothered to lose their beer gut or change out of their yard work clothes. It's ironic to me. Granted this is not the majority of men, but they do exist.

My husband and I have a deal. If I have to wear heels, he has to wear a tie. If I have to fix my hair, so does he. If he wants me to wear a certain dress to an event, then I get to pick out his clothes too. This is just the way it works in our house I guess, it keeps us from squabbling.

[Hemidakota]

Adding also some hindsight here, I noticed when I gain weight, she gains it also. Strange how we can become so connected in life. She told me as I return home, that we both need to loose weight.

[Guest]

He could try destroying the caterpillars on his face. He used to pluck, now he doesn't bother. Plucking your eyebrows takes like five minutes, way less time that it would take for his wife to lose weight.

I'm just saying that there are some men out there who expect their wives to look hot constantly, but can't be bothered to lose their beer gut or change out of their yard work clothes. It's ironic to me. Granted this is not the majority of men, but they do exist.

My husband and I have a deal. If I have to wear heels, he has to wear a tie. If I have to fix my hair, so does he. If he wants me to wear a certain dress to an event, then I get to pick out his clothes too. This is just the way it works in our house I guess, it keeps us from squabbling.

Oh, I see what you're saying. :) I agree. It works both ways.

[bytor2112]

One other question I had was this; what does your friend look like? Is he cute? If not, he's got no place complaining about his wife.

My husband and I had a friend of his over not too long ago. This guy (who has a unibrow and looks like he's been punched in the nose about a half a dozen times) brought up a discussion about how his wife was getting fat and how she was no longer attractive.

My husband was kind of offended and said "wil, when have you ever been attractive?"

I always find it funny when ugly men expect to have pretty women on their arms.

Well....he's not my type, but, I would say that he is very fit. We hit the gym 4-5 days a week and he takes good care of himself. But cute.....mmmm, not sure about that one.

I feel compelled to defend my friend here. He does love his wife and is an honorable man. He is concerned about the feelings he is having and just isn't sure what to do about it. He is not bashing his wife, he's just a bit confused. Oh and before you suggest that he go to the gym with his wife instead of me, he has already tried....no interest. Maybe she just wants to do it on her own.Probably a bit embarrassed.

Edited April 6, 2009 by bytor2112

[Tarnished]

Oh and before you suggest that he go to the gym with his wife instead of me, he has already tried....no interest. Maybe she just wants to do it on her own.Probably a bit embarrassed.

I have to admit that I have never liked going to the gym, for whatever reason I always feel like people are watching me and it bothers me. This was even the case when I was in better shape. Even at home it has taken me some time to get used to the idea of having my husband in the room when I work out, for me it is a private type thing. I don't know if this is how she feels as well, but I do know that it is the case for me.

[Guest]

I feel compelled to defend my friend here. He does love his wife and is an honorable man. He is concerned about the feelings he is having and just isn't sure what to do about it. He is not bashing his wife, he's just a bit confused. Oh and before you suggest that he go to the gym with his wife instead of me, he has already tried....no interest. Maybe she just wants to do it on her own.Probably a bit embarrassed.

I felt he was a good man from your initial post. I felt the problem you presented was more on communication rather than a lack of love.

And you couldn't pay me enough to go to the gym. I feel the gym is for those people who are already confident in how they look - geez, wearing lycra infront of all those people? No way, Jose! Besides, doing repititious stuff and running on a machine is not interesting to me. Walking around the neighborhood with the husband and kids is much better. And the rest is spent on Hip Hop Abs workout which is really fun! You should get it for your friend as a gift - for your friend - not his wife - just to make sure she doesn't take it the wrong way. Well, that is, if your friend's wife likes to dance.

[Hemidakota]

It would be a start with walking around the block with the wife as a couple exercises. But seeing your own wife weight is an issue with love or not being affectionate is not cutting it. What happens if she is disfigured? Looses a limb or other woman body parts? Will he still complain how she looks versus the eternal prospect or her spiritual side? If anything, I would be worried over there growth together as a Celestial couple.

Communication is a two-way means but both need to listen intently to what is being presented. If it is true that he is not communicating his feelings appropriately, perhaps some knee bending moments with the Savior may shed some light.

One thing I can add, when we cross the veil, we will temporally bring that body that we died with, meaning, even those who are stout figures will remain so until resurrection is completed.

[Faded]

Well....he's not my type, but, I would say that he is very fit. We hit the gym 4-5 days a week and he takes good care of himself. But cute.....mmmm, not sure about that one.

I feel compelled to defend my friend here. He does love his wife and is an honorable man. He is concerned about the feelings he is having and just isn't sure what to do about it. He is not bashing his wife, he's just a bit confused. Oh and before you suggest that he go to the gym with his wife instead of me, he has already tried....no interest. Maybe she just wants to do it on her own.Probably a bit embarrassed.

Surest way to fail at any fitness program is to do it on your own. She may not want her husband to be an exercise partner, but I strongly suggest she gets one. It's easy to fail at exercise when you are accountable to absolutely nobody. Let's face it, exercise ain't fun, especially when you're just starting out. It hurts and makes you ache all over. It's very, very easy to quit right after you start.

So I would suggest that you're friend encourage his wife to work toward a system that includes a training partner and someone who will hold her accountable for setting and achieving goals. It would not be the least bit surprising if she doesn't want her husband to be either of those things. That's fine, but if she wants to succeed, she'd be foolish not to offer herself every chance of success.

[Guest queries]

Holy wow guys, in the past 24 hours I've had a 100% about turn on this one.

Faded commented on the fact that this is something that he thinks cannot be communicated about. 15 years ago, I turned to my husband of ~4 years, and said, "I'm starting to find myself attracted to other people." I was scared to death. I loved him, and didn't understand why this was happening to me, and thought that of course my best friend, who I could talk to about anything, would be the logical place to turn. His reaction was as Faded describes - pull out the gun and shoot - and it told me very well that this was something we were not going to talk about and how dare I even bring it up.

Fast forward 15 years. I find myself realizing that very same statement has plagued me for the rest of my married life, and only now have I found the answers that many of you (foreverafter, bert, dravin, hemidakota, gwen, applepansy, and others) have been trying to say in this post and others. If I truly love my spouse, I won't be (seriously) attracted to other people. If my spouse truly loves me, my weight won't (seriously) matter to him.

I used to think, but I am so empty! He isn't meeting my needs! I'm emotionally starving! A downward spiral. This is why I was so adamant that if he needs me to be good looking, then by golly I'm gonna be good looking to meet his needs, that's how I can serve him and fulfill my duty as a wife. But now I realize that I can't fill him. He can't fill me. We have to let the Savior fill us, and then when we are overflowing with His love, we can reflect that back to our spouse as true love, including the attitude that "my attraction to you is way deeper than your subcutaneous layers." And like in Johnny Lingo, under the influence of that kind of love, we blossom and become beautiful, and spiral upward.

The idea that it was valid for me to have to look a certain way in order for his emotional needs to be met always bugged me anyway, because I thought, "At some point I'm going to be old and wrinkly... will he, at that point, quit needing me to be a babe?"

[WillowTheWhisp]

Maybe my huband is weird. His previous wife was not just slim she was skinny, all legs and elbows was how he describes her. When he met me he says actually preferred the fact that I was cuddleable. Now he worries that I have started on a weight loss program. He's happy for me from a health point of view because I will be much healthier by being lighter but he has said "You won't go too far will you?" He doesnt want me to end up like her - uncuddleable.

[Faded]

LOL, I think that the worst possible way I could approach my wife about looks or weight would be, "Sweetie, I'm starting to be more attracted to other women than I am to you." If I wanted to dig the knife even deeper, I'd mention names and start pointing out girls that I thought were better looking than her.

This isn't a major problem for me though. My wife has gained a significant amount of weight, it is true. Yet I've managed to continue falling back in love with her again and again. She's beautiful to me. Yes indeed, she'd be MORE beautiful to me if she were to lose some of weight, but she's still the most beautiful woman in the world to me. I think that this is a gift from God combined with just being in love. When I find myself more attracted to other women than I am to my wife, it is virtually always because I've drifted spiritually and I'm not right with God. Funny thing, that. I think that I've seen too many cases where married person cheated on their very attractive husband or wife with someone that was hideous. Don't doubt for a second that Satan has his hand in it. He can convince you that an ugly person is attractive and that a beautiful person is not as attractive as they really are. So best to stay clear of Satan's influence.

I still think this is an issue that women and men should be able to communicate better about. Physical attractiveness issues are not irrelevant and they can be a very big deal. I think it's tragic that there is so much lack of communication and so much suffereing in silence. I think that any circumstance where honesty is not welcome is a bad thing.

Edited April 6, 2009 by Faded

[Vort]

My husband and I had a friend of his over not too long ago...who has a unibrow and looks like he's been punched in the nose about a half a dozen times

I know Will, and you're wrong. He has two eyebrows. He just shaves off the top one.

See? He DOES care about his appearance!