Divorced, Dating and kids

[Wants2Know]

Well one thought that comes to mind, is that when I grew up raised by a single mother and (by no intentional fault of her own) did not have a father figure in my life. I feel as parents it is our responsibility to set an example. My kids need to know how two adults can work together as family and if I remain single until they move out then they will not know what its like to have parents in the same house (though not both biological) that can make it work. Thoughts?

I don't believe you have to provide a "parenting" relationship in the home in order to teach your children how to parent or interact with a spouse. I think kids can learn how to treat others in relationships that are not parental or biological. They will see how you interact with your family, friends, their teachers and their friends' parents as well as church members. H

[ZionsRodeVos]

I am a 28 year old with 3 kids (9, 7, 7). About six months ago my divorce was final. The kids are adjusting fairly well. I have not been dating or seeking it out. However, I would like to soon.

My question is regarding the appropriateness of when to get kids involved. If I find someone that I like, when is it appropriate to have them meet my kids and possible do activities together, like a zoo outing? If this person also has kids is it appropriate to have activities with all the kids? I have learned from my non-member siblings that introducing new people in their kids lives confuses the kids. Should I keep my new 'relationship' between me and that special woman until I know it is certain she is the one? I know its also bad to keep things from kids. Maybe the best is to let them know I am dating but leave it at that? Advice?

I am 42, separated from my children's mom in 2005, was granted custody of our 4 children in 2006, and divorced in Feb 2009. I am ready to date again.

I have debated how and when to introduce my children to anyone I date and believe it is going to depend on the person I am dating. I've told my children that I can start dating again and about the only way they are going to know is if they are at a sitters. I will let them know if they ask but I am not going to intentionally announce every time I go on a date and in fact will likely plan dates when my children are visiting their mom.

I won't have a problem with going on a zoo outing with my date and her children and include my children if it feels right and will simply present the person as a friend which is all she would be unless things were serious. I wouldn't have enough outings for my children to get attached to that person but once I am comfortable with a woman I do want to have some idea of how she interacts with my children and how they interact with her. My children are 8 and a half, 10, 11, and 13 and a half. The 11 year old is the most resistant to the idea of having a step mom but I am convinced that if he likes a woman then he won't have a problem. Just like he has a problem with many of the women at day care but not all of them even though the few he likes have had to discipline him; but it is the way they handled the situation that seems to count with him.

In some cases my children already know the children and/or woman I may date because we go to the same church.

As someone mentioned they know a couple getting a divorce because they couldn't agree on things about their children. I would want to know about such things before marrying someone, at least as much as possible, and that can only happen with some interaction between each others children. I believe that there are people that will not put their children before mine but treat them the same. This is what I plan to do which I believe will help make a second marriage work.

To avoid confusion I have had a few discussions with my children about dating and how me dating could impact them (meaning they go to friends house or have a sitter) and that just because I date a woman once doesn't mean I am marrying her. I believe discussions about dating that are appropriate for your children will help avoid confusion when you do start dating and introducing them to dates.

I wish you much happiness as you search for a companion.

[Wants2Know]

I think "Dr" Laura is right about essentially being very prudent with your children around dating. I believe she is incorrect that parents should not date at all.

[Jbs2763]

......Just because there cute and hot.....doesnt mean they will love your kids with the compassion and underestanding, and boundaries you and your children will need.

Don't rule out us "sweet and fluffy" guys

[pam]

Absolutely Jbs. Hey girls..I've met him in person and he's just adorable. You're missing out here.

[beefche]

Absolutely Jbs. Hey girls..I've met him in person and he's just adorable. You're missing out here.

I'll vouch for him. I've hung out with him--his neck is red, but he's fun.

[pam]

I'll vouch for him. I've hung out with him--his neck is red, but he's fun.

Hopefully you weren't practicing some NCMO in honor of the upcoming event in San Diego. Your tongue can get a bit rough.

[beefche]

Hopefully you weren't practicing some NCMO in honor of the upcoming event in San Diego. Your tongue can get a bit rough.

I don't kiss or lick and tell!

[Guest missingsomething]

Social life, yes. dating, no. The kids need a mom who they know thinks more of them than a new boyfriend. Statistics show that second marriages end in divorce far more than firsts, and with children the stats go up. Raise the kids for 9 years and then get back in the dating scene. They don't need the added stress of a new man who will most likely not be there for the long haul. It's just a gamble I would not take.

what about the 7 year olds?

And OP - there are lots of second marriages that work.... just take time to work on you...

[Heavenguard]

I've not been married (and of course, certainly not divorced and certainly not with kids), and neither have I experienced divorce as a kid in the middle, but one thing does make a whole lot of sense to me: premarital counseling.

Taking the time before marriage to make clear expectations and work things out will prevent a lot of dissapointment, anger, and frustration later. A lot of times newly weds sort of just trip over each other till they work things out, but sometimes things don't get worked out, and if there are kids involved (esp. two sets of kids), there a lot less space for things to get sorted out out as they go along.

Not first hand experience on my part, but step parents can greatly enrich a child's life. My older cousin is really my step-cousin, but "really", she's my cousin. My uncle raised her since before I was born, and their family is like any other loving family. My friend's dad is a step-dad, but in her eyes, there's no "step" in his title. Same with another couple I know where the biological father passed away, their dad is just their dad, minus the step.

Both parties need to be totally serious and mindful about the children and the children's needs. Both parties need to be able to love the others' children and willing to be a parent. Both parties needs to realize that the kids will always come first, as in any healthy, nuclear family.