sadone Posted July 31, 2009 Report Share Posted July 31, 2009 (edited) My Brother married a woman that can be very mean sometimes, but then again so can my brother. Here is my problem. My Brother and his wife have 5 kids. Since the time they were born my husband and I have offered to babysit for them whenever they want and always for free. We love those kids with all our hearts and have loved spending time with them. We have also offered to help my brother and sister in law with what ever else they need help with. We know that the only reason they have called us or invited us to things is so that they would not feel guilty when they use our services and that is fine with us however over the years they came to expect us to be at their beck and call. Sometimes not even giving a thank you for things we have helped with. Well the last time they asked for some help finishing their basement I went to help them and spent two hours working on it. I then had to leave because I had some things I needed to do before the stores closed. Well my brother told my mom that I had come over and ONLY helped for 1 hour. I was very hurt by this. He should have been grateful that I showed up at all for one and for second...I spent 2 hours there trying to help him not 1. Well here is the thing. Over the years because we were babysitting for them a lot, they would invite us to the kids birthdays every year. Well now that the oldest is old enough to babysit the younger kids we don't get asked to babysit anymore and they have also stoped inviteing us to birthdays and no longer invite us over at all! This has hurt my husband and I to the core. We adore those kids and have tried very hard to be firends with my brother and sister in law and have always tried to do nice things for them and now they have just kicked us to the curb because they don't need us anymore. They do not call us at all. Please give me your sugestions on what I could do to fix this situation. By the way...my brother and I are not very close. I am actualy closer to my sister in law than I am with my brother and my sister in law does not like me. Both of them do not really like me. They think I am weird and they also do not think that my husband and I are cool enough. Well heres the thing. I am not sure if this is the only reason but I have a feeling that the main reason they are no longer inviting us to birthdays and over for dinner or anything else is because My sister-in-law does not like that the kids love us so much. I get the feeling that she resents little things like that the kids will always come running to me and my husband first and then go over to her side of the family last or that the kids will mention us in their prayers but forget about her side of the family. I have gotten little hints here and there from her that these little things bother her. I don't know if this is the only reason why she no longer asks us over though. I know She does not like our side of the family at all. My husband and I are always very loveing and kind to the kids and very careful to say and do the right things around them and set a good example and what not. We are also very careful not to get in the parents way or undermine their authority. So I think the main issue is that she just doesn't like how close her kids are to us. So the problem is....how do my husband and I continue to have a relationship with the kids if she doesn't want us to see them? It breaks my heart that she could be so unkind to us. After 12 years of free baby sitting and us being there for them for anything and everything. And she knows how much we care about them, and then to just dump us like a piece of trash.... I am at a loss. What should I do? By the way...My husband and I do not have any kids of our own, so yeah we do love these kids like they were our own. Edited August 3, 2009 by sadone adding Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
talisyn Posted July 31, 2009 Report Share Posted July 31, 2009 Keep sending presents and being there for the kids, they'll remember you Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dazed-and-confused Posted July 31, 2009 Report Share Posted July 31, 2009 I agree. Be polite with them your bother and his wife), but I wouldn't chase after them at all. If both your kids and theirs get along, why not set up time to see them when they get together? As it is, don't forget the kids and they won't forget you. Sorry for your trouble. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
john doe Posted July 31, 2009 Report Share Posted July 31, 2009 The problem is you have made yourself into their doormat. Refuse to be that doormat any longer. Go live your life on your terms and don't worry what the mooches want. When they call out of the blue asking for help, tell them sorry, you are just too busy this month to do it. And then invite them over to your house for dinner. If you are not invited to the parties, send cards anyway, letting them know that you still love and care about them. You are an adult, act like one and you will be treated as one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Palerider Posted August 1, 2009 Report Share Posted August 1, 2009 I say trade her in for a new one.....:):) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NeuroTypical Posted August 1, 2009 Report Share Posted August 1, 2009 They have exactly, precicely the amount of control over your happiness as you allow them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Alana Posted August 1, 2009 Report Share Posted August 1, 2009 I can't let people that hurt me be a major part of my life, even if they are family. Embrace those in your life that love you and don't chase after those that don't. Since you love you nieces and nephews, invite them over to your place or to a day out with you guys. This will allow you to see them and not have it be because you're doing your brother and his wife a favor. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest missingsomething Posted August 1, 2009 Report Share Posted August 1, 2009 The easy way in life is to let other people control our happiness, etc. Take a step back and let me play devils advocate only for the purpose of opening you up to the spirit...that there maybe some other possibilities. Perhaps your bro/sis have always felt bad for getting you to babysit and are now relieved that they dont have to ask anymore. Why dont you offer to come pick up the kids and do something with them...do it because YOU want to see the kids, not because they NEED you. I hate asking people (even those who are sweet and kind and LOVE to do it) to watch my kids--- I always feel like i am using them or that I now "owe" them. Do you have hard feelings btwn this sis-in=law do you see eye to eye? If not, perhaps while you were there the other day helping, they felt like you didnt want to be there - when in fact it may have been you were just uncomfortable, but gladly willing to help? Did you explain you needed to go to get some things done? Also, be cautious of third party info... your brother may not have said things exactly the way they were relayed to you. Have you invited your brother and family over to your house to do cookouts/FHE/etc? Have you given them the chance to help you? Its a tough situation... and really, there will always be people who will take advantage and not appreciate what they have. Sometimes they do it in ignorance (dont know any better) and sometimes they believe they deserve it. Try to cheerfully serve them - I know.. opposite of what you feel like doing...but when people "despitefully use me" I try to do something extraordinarily nice...then I pray that they may realize that I do care for them but that they are abusing that relationship. (ps..hehehe...then I come on here and vent...hehehe) Good luck. And like others said... dont isolate the kids even though its hard -try to maintain a relationship with them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sadone Posted August 2, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 2, 2009 (edited) thank you for all of your comments. Well heres the thing. I am not sure if this is the only reason but I have a feeling that the main reason they are no longer inviting us to birthdays and over for dinner or anything else is because My sister-in-law does not like that the kids love us so much. I get the feeling that she resents little things like that the kids will always come running to me and my husband first and then go over to her side of the family last or that the kids will mention us in their prayers but forget about her side of the family. I have gotten little hints here and there from her that these little things bother her. I don't know if this is the only reason why she no longer asks us over though. I know She does not like our side of the family at all. My husband and I are always very loveing and kind to the kids and very careful to say and do the right things around them and set a good example and what not. We are also very careful not to get in the parents way or undermine their authority. So I think the main issue is that she just doesn't like how close her kids are to us. So the problem is....how do my husband and I continue to have a relationship with the kids if she doesn't want us to see them? It breaks my heart that she could be so unkind to us. After 12 years of free baby sitting and us being there for them for anything and everything. And she knows how much we care about them, and then to just dump us like a piece of trash.... I am at a loss. What should I do? By the way...My husband and I do not have any kids of our own, so yeah we do love these kids like they were our own. Edited August 2, 2009 by sadone adding Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Believer_1829 Posted August 2, 2009 Report Share Posted August 2, 2009 Send them a bill for 11 years of services. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Misshalfway Posted August 2, 2009 Report Share Posted August 2, 2009 How do you feel about having a conversation with them about these issues? Is there a way to talk about it without it turning into a fight? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moksha Posted August 2, 2009 Report Share Posted August 2, 2009 This has hurt my husband and I to the core. We adore those kids and have tried very hard to be firends with my brother and sister in law and have always tried to do nice things for them and now they have just kicked us to the curb because they don't need us anymore. They do not call us at all.Please give me your sugestions on what I could do to fix this situation. This is what could be called a blessing in disguise. Don't try to fix this situation. Longing for further abuse in this nonreciprocal relationship is not healthy for you and your husband. Best wishes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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