rmorrow Posted September 9, 2009 Report Share Posted September 9, 2009 Hi everyone! I'm currently an inactive member. I'm doing a little self searching and i've stumble upon a question that i cant seem to find the right answer i'm looking for. i'm 21 and recently moved back close to my parents and am a little lost in my life. My question that i'm asking myself is..."do i want to be with and marry a mormon?... or does it matter if i can find somone i love who can give me everything but just not the religion asspect of it?..." so what i'm looking for is the pros and cons of marrying the same religion or a nonmember. My mom is a member and my dad isnt, so i know it can work when your not of the same religion but i also know first hand of the trials and how hard it is. What i cant seem to get my mind around is i enjoy things that arent really church approved, but i enjoy church also. and its not a question of do i really believe it or not. because i truely to and i want that eternal family. but on the other hand i dont know if i want to give up doing what i shouldnt. i would appreciate any help, advice, anything! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rmorrow Posted September 9, 2009 Author Share Posted September 9, 2009 · Hidden Hidden Hi everyone! I'm currently an inactive member. I'm doing a little self searching and i've stumble upon a question that i cant seem to find the right answer i'm looking for. i'm 21 and recently moved back close to my parents and am a little lost in my life. My question that i'm asking myself is..."do i want to be with and marry a mormon?... or does it matter if i can find somone i love who can give me everything but just not the religion asspect of it?..." so what i'm looking for is the pros and cons of marrying the same religion or a nonmember. My mom is a member and my dad isnt, so i know it can work when your not of the same religion but i also know first hand of the trials and how hard it is. What i cant seem to get my mind around is i enjoy things that arent really church approved, but i enjoy church also. and its not a question of do i really believe it or not. because i truely to and i want that eternal family. but on the other hand i dont know if i want to give up doing what i shouldnt. i would appreciate any help, advice, anything! Link to comment
Generally_Me Posted September 9, 2009 Report Share Posted September 9, 2009 How about another inactive member? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
john doe Posted September 9, 2009 Report Share Posted September 9, 2009 Even Dr. Laura agrees that a marriage where both parties re the same religion is stronger than one where they are not or where there is no religion at all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rmorrow Posted September 9, 2009 Author Report Share Posted September 9, 2009 Sure! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Misshalfway Posted September 9, 2009 Report Share Posted September 9, 2009 Are you sure you ready to think about getting married just yet? Seems to me like you are still doing some self searching. .....not that this is a bad thing. Maybe when you settle some of your "self" questions, the answers to your OP will become very clear. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rmorrow Posted September 9, 2009 Author Report Share Posted September 9, 2009 Well no i'm not ready to be married just yet... I have done alot of improvement on my self searching but i think for me this is going to lead to different answers other than marriage particularly. I am just trying to establish pros and cons to the kind of relationship i want. Because as of now not one has been a relationship that is equal. So in order to put myself in the right situation to even meet a potential boyfriend, i need to know what exactly i want and i'm having a hard time figuring that out. I think when i find the answer to this it will help settle some of my self questions. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Just_A_Guy Posted September 9, 2009 Report Share Posted September 9, 2009 Here's the deal, rmorrow: If you marry a non-Mormon while you're living a non-Mormon lifestyle, and later you decide you want to embrace the Mormon lifestyle - how fair is that to your husband, who thought he was getting one thing and now all of a sudden has something else? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rmorrow Posted September 9, 2009 Author Report Share Posted September 9, 2009 Thanks! That is actually very true and something i had not thought of. So then what do you think would be the solution for me to do now? If i'm living a non-morman lifestyle but with that possability? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rmorrow Posted September 9, 2009 Author Report Share Posted September 9, 2009 I would like to add something... I'm not just wanting to get married so i'm jumping on the first "boat" i can that takes me there. I am just trying to get my life in order and figure out where i need to be. But by asking the pros and cons of a nonmemeber and a member, it gives me something to look at thats right in front of me. And other opinions like just_a_guy helped me with just something i havent thought of. I want the eternity marrage and that life because i believe in it and know its a great thing. But with my constant search for happiness, i end up doing the things that make me happy for the moment not eternity. But were i get confused is the part that i have fun doing those things i'm not supposed to and i have fun living the church life but i'm not so deep into one or the other to be able to choose, if that makes sense... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WmLee Posted September 9, 2009 Report Share Posted September 9, 2009 I have a very close friend that was inactive and married an inactive lady he met. later, he wanted to get back to church. he felt that would be best for the family. he wanted his children to know the gospel, (he also didn't deny the church, just felt like he wanted to do other things). His wife didn't want to make the change. As he went back, she found a boyfriendf and that was the end of that. Now he is divorced, a part time dad (the joys of divorce) and his courting seems to be centered around other divorced members who all have a story like his. But the bitterness they carry and the "bagage" that comes with split families . . . . Choose your path carefully! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beefche Posted September 9, 2009 Report Share Posted September 9, 2009 But were i get confused is the part that i have fun doing those things i'm not supposed to and i have fun living the church life but i'm not so deep into one or the other to be able to choose, if that makes sense...Umm, yeah, doing this for the moment is fun. Otherwise why would so many people get caught up into some things that they shouldn't?Here the thing, you need to decide what's important for you. Quit thinking of the here and now all the time. It's one thing to enjoy your life, and it's another to enjoy the moment with regrets later. I don't know if you have regrets, but it sounds like you do. You need to decide for yourself what's important, what your goals are, how to get there, etc. Part of that is determining the type of man you are looking for. Think about the important things, not just the "he's cute, blue eyes, money, etc."I really don't think that you are at a point in your life that marrying a Mormon is important to you. It sounds to me like you are looking at the cultural thing--I'm a Mormon so I must marry a Mormon. You have to decide for yourself if you are going to live a spiritual life or not. Because if you decide to live the life to just marry a Mormon, then go back to doing the fun stuff that isn't "allowed", then you are betraying your Mormon husband. If you decide to just have fun now and let what happens happen, and marry a non-member and later want to live a Mormon life, then you're betraying your non-member husband.Get off the fence--choose your life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rmorrow Posted September 9, 2009 Author Report Share Posted September 9, 2009 wow... i agree with you on thats why people get caught up in doing it because its "fun". I havent gone crazy doing everything i'm not supposed to i still have alot of morals. And its not really that i feel like i need to marry a morman because i'm morman, i just know all the blessings you receive with that kind of marrage. what i struggle with is that i know a marrage can work if your 2 different religions, that each feel very strongly about. my parents just had their 24 anniversary yesterday and my mom is morman very strong in the church and my dad is church of christ ver strong in the church. so i know it can work. but i also know the struggles they have had. but struggles come with every marrage. i think this is alot of were my being on the fence comes from... i know both work... and sometimes dont work. i have a very close friend that is married in the church and had what everyone thought was the best husband. and they have 4 kids also. well out of nowhere he cheated on her and said some of the most hurtful things and just completely surprised everyone. and this brought my confidence in a temple marrage down. and i am trying to figure out what i want. and that is the purpose of this thread to just hear opinions, and possibly give me things to think about that i havent. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Just_A_Guy Posted September 9, 2009 Report Share Posted September 9, 2009 Thanks! That is actually very true and something i had not thought of. So then what do you think would be the solution for me to do now? If i'm living a non-morman lifestyle but with that possability?All I can say is: when you do find a future mate, be sure you're very clear with each other about what you expect, what aspects of your character you intend to keep, and what aspects of your character may be subject to change.As an aside, though, I'd suggest that if you think you'll wind up living as a Mormon down the road--start now. I've never known a convert to say "gee, I'm glad I had those first twenty or thirty years of my life to yuck it up in the world". I've known plenty who say "I wish I'd found this sooner". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rmorrow Posted September 9, 2009 Author Report Share Posted September 9, 2009 You are right. people do say they wish they had found it sooner. thanks so much for your insite, you have been helpful. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beefche Posted September 9, 2009 Report Share Posted September 9, 2009 You're going to be able to find a 1,000 stories to show how a marriage with 2 individuals of different faith work and a 1,000 stories of how a marriage with 2 individuals of the same faith don't work. Each marriage is different. And every marriage takes work, work that isn't imaginable while single. Marriage is not just one eternal date. But, you have to look at the future. How will the children be raised? What if you marry a Jewish man? Will you agree to allow your children be raised Jewish? Would he allow you to raise them Christian/Mormon? What if you marry a guy who is Christian but it just isn't important to him that he lives according to his church's beliefs--you know, an average person who believes but just doesn't practice it? Will you be ok going to church by yourself, handling your children in church by yourself, doing churchy things by yourself, not being able to share that part of your life with your husband? Do you believe you should stay home to care for the kids while your husband earns the paycheck? Does he? Does he want you/need you to work to pay the bills or the fun things in life? Will he be ok with you paying tithing/offerings? I came from a home where my mom was Mormon and my dad was anti Mormon. Mom didn't get baptized until after she was married when she was first introduced to the gospel. But, it caused a lot of problems. So much so, that my mom chose to not have anything to do with the church to save her marriage. What that taught me was that the church is part of WHO I am. Not just something I believe in or do on Sunday and Wednesday. It's a part of me. I cannot share my whole self with someone who doesn't understand that aspect of me. My mom was able to do that--but I can't. It's such an important part of my life that there is no way I, personally, can settle for a husband who just supports me attending/believing this church. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ryanh Posted September 9, 2009 Report Share Posted September 9, 2009 A few random thoughts for you to consider: The other side of the coin of Just_A_Guy's post is that an active LDS man who is intent on building a marriage that is eternal is not so likely to be wanting to join with someone that is 'on the fence'. So, as you already know, you really do need to decide which path you want to follow. It's a little unfortunate to be in the position you are at your age. Whom you marry will be very influential in the direction your life will take. You asked: ..."do i want to be with and marry a mormon?... or does it matter if i can find somone i love who can give me everything but just not the religion asspect of it?..." I think it matters greatly. Having been given the knowledge of eternal marriage, you have a greater responsibility than those that are not aware, to pursue that goal in order to obtain it. Are you sealed to your parents in order that you all can be an eternal family, or is it until death do you part because your father never entered temple to be sealed to your mother? It sounds like the latter. Is that what you want for your future family? Marriage is hard enough with all the differences that two people bring into a relationship from their various upbringing. What a blessing to have similar core beliefs that marriage is sacred, eternal, and should be a priority. Having different 'values' of marriage between the partners seems like fertile ground for problems. Could you find non-LDS men that are committed to marriage? Sure, I think so. But I can tell you that I for one wouldn't have stuck with my marriage as long as I have if it were not for principles taught in the church. Perhaps it would help to analyze specifically why you feel "a little lost in [your] life". Is it because you are not living what you believe to be true? Or is it that you wonder if you desire "sin" (for lack of a better word since we don't know details) more than righteousness? Or is it as simple as you want to see what the future would bring given various choices? Rmorrow, anytime I hear someone lament about wanting to choose right, but continually falling prey to the short-term pleasures despite their intent and beliefs, I can't help but wonder if the individual has ADHD. Please don't take that as a criticism. It's not criticism in the least bit in my mind, but I recognize that there is still a lot of stigma and misunderstanding regarding what ADHD is. Have you ever been diagnosed with ADHD or wondered if it was a possibility? If so, treating it will help immensely in your search for happiness. A final thought - do you want your children to be in your position when they reach age 21, not having as strong of a testimony as they could have had if they had two faithful LDS parents? No pressure (yeah, right), but your choices now will affect them and future generations. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rmorrow Posted September 9, 2009 Author Report Share Posted September 9, 2009 i agree there are many different cases of both your right. and i can tell that this religion is who you are, and what you believe very strongly. church has not been a big part of my life for the last 5 years. I dont regret anything i've done because i've learned alot about myself because of all of it and i think its brought me to this place where i'm really asking myself these questions and not just doing what i "should" do. This is a trial in my life that i'm having a hard time with. A con to marrying a morman man that i have struggled with ever since i even started going to church and was active is the fact that if i marry in the temple (which for as long as i can remember i have said i would do...) until i've gotten closer to the age were it is really something i have really thought about. My dad, brother, and inactive sister will not even be able to have that experiance with me. and yes they have chosen their life, and made thier own decisions. but that just breaks my heart to think that my family which means most to me wont be able to be there for that special event in my life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rmorrow Posted September 9, 2009 Author Report Share Posted September 9, 2009 Thank you for your words. You are right i dont want my kids to ever have to deal with this conflict. i think just with this struggle of religion, its lead to more of a struggle of self. And the thought that my family now is not sealed together breaks my heart into a million pieces. And you are right also about me choosing somone of the same faith that i can have my family all sealed together. No my family is not sealed together my dad and brother are both baptized as church of christ and me my sister and mother are LDS but my sister is also inactive. but she has chose that life and is satisfied with it i guess. so me knowing the works of the lord through this church i should take advantage like you said and pursue those opportunities. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Idaho-LDS Posted September 10, 2009 Report Share Posted September 10, 2009 When the blind lead the blind they both wind up in a ditch. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AELK Posted September 10, 2009 Report Share Posted September 10, 2009 Sounds like with what your goals are.. the answer to your question is yes, you would be better off to find a member of the church. I have dated both. Members and non-members. Although the last non-member I dated was a really nice guy, and he said he understood, there were frustrating situations, simple things but to me they meant a lot, that kept coming up. "I understand and respect you won't go to a movie on Sunday" then the next week.. 'let's go to a movie on Sunday." I was married to an inactive member, and it became horrid... part of the reason it became a 'was'. It got so he chastised me about keeping my covenants. My own conclusion was that it really helped the relationship and was a lot better when the person I was dating (and eventually got married to) was/is LDS. Opposites may attract but they don't stay together. Why do you think eHarmony does so well? They match people based on compatibility. Being of the same faith is part of that. We may not think it is a major issue when we are falling in love. But that is a mere speck on the timeline of eternity... the falling in love stage. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hemidakota Posted September 10, 2009 Report Share Posted September 10, 2009 Hi everyone! I'm currently an inactive member. I'm doing a little self searching and i've stumble upon a question that i cant seem to find the right answer i'm looking for. i'm 21 and recently moved back close to my parents and am a little lost in my life. My question that i'm asking myself is..."do i want to be with and marry a mormon?... or does it matter if i can find somone i love who can give me everything but just not the religion asspect of it?..." so what i'm looking for is the pros and cons of marrying the same religion or a nonmember. My mom is a member and my dad isnt, so i know it can work when your not of the same religion but i also know first hand of the trials and how hard it is. What i cant seem to get my mind around is i enjoy things that arent really church approved, but i enjoy church also. and its not a question of do i really believe it or not. because i truely to and i want that eternal family. but on the other hand i dont know if i want to give up doing what i shouldnt. i would appreciate any help, advice, anything! What is your eternal worth when the Lord stated, it is a requirement to make the final and last covenant of the Fullness of the Priesthood, meaning - eternal marriage? What is your desire for this life and the next? Questions you need to ask yourself and not to look upon your mortal parents for guidance. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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