stevedaddy Posted October 9, 2009 Report Posted October 9, 2009 A mother is leaving her two children (one of which is still breastfed) for four hours on a saturday to pursue a hobby. Because she doesn't believe her Husband understands what it's like to take care of his own children without help, she committed him to stay home and not leave the house at all or associate with anyone who may provide some help watching the children. The husband has various responsibilities (work) requiring his attention on this particular weekend as well as parents who are always asking to see their grandchildren. The husband feels like it is a good idea to kill two birds with one stone by taking the children to his parent's house (allowing them to spend time together) while at the same time, tending to some of his work requirements. Upon informing his wife of his plan, she immediately accuses him of disregarding her wishes and demands emphatically that he stay home and learn what it is like to watch the kids. (Background: everyday after work the husband comes home and dutifully helps with the children without being asked. He regularly bathes, feeds, and puts the older child to bed with a book and a song, cleaning up the dishes afterward - he's not a slacker when he is at home). The young wife points out that the husband has never spent four straight hours alone with the newborn and needs this experience to appreciate what the wife has to deal with everyday. Husband plans on spending the majority of the time with the kids, but wants to provide them some time with the grandparents, allowing him to run some work related errands during this time. The proposed plan presented by the husband sparks an argument with the wife. Who should back down?
pam Posted October 9, 2009 Report Posted October 9, 2009 (edited) I can see both points but having gone through a similar experience when my children were very small. I used to get frustrated that I could work a full time job, take care of kids before and after work..and when I wanted to do something like a hobby..it was too much to ask him to watch the kids for a few hours. I, of course, am seeing this from a biased perspective so perhaps not the best one to voice an opinion. But I just never could understand why I could watch the children for hours on end while he participated in his hobby..yet could not get the same courtesy when I wanted to participate in mine. Let me add one thing..my ex was in the Navy and out at sea weeks and months on end. Even when returning from deployment...I didn't get the same courtesy. Yet I was expected to be the mom and dad at all times. Edited October 9, 2009 by pam
hordak Posted October 9, 2009 Report Posted October 9, 2009 A mother is leaving her two children (one of which is still breastfed) for four hours on a saturday to pursue a hobby. Because she doesn't believe her Husband understands what it's like to take care of his own children without help, she committed him to stay home and not leave the house at all or associate with anyone who may provide some help watching the children. The husband has various responsibilities (work) requiring his attention on this particular weekend as well as parents who are always asking to see their grandchildren. The husband feels like it is a good idea to kill two birds with one stone by taking the children to his parent's house (allowing them to spend time together) while at the same time, tending to some of his work requirements. Upon informing his wife of his plan, she immediately accuses him of disregarding her wishes and demands emphatically that he stay home and learn what it is like to watch the kids. (Background: everyday after work the husband comes home and dutifully helps with the children without being asked. He regularly bathes, feeds, and puts the older child to bed with a book and a song, cleaning up the dishes afterward - he's not a slacker when he is at home). The young wife points out that the husband has never spent four straight hours alone with the newborn and needs this experience to appreciate what the wife has to deal with everyday. Husband plans on spending the majority of the time with the kids, but wants to provide them some time with the grandparents, allowing him to run some work related errands during this time. The proposed plan presented by the husband sparks an argument with the wife.Who should back down?Sounds to me like the wife is being vindictive. It isn't a competition for "who has it worse" but a partnership about what's best for the kids. Nothing wrong with the husbands plan (unless he is leaving kids with grandparents because he can't do it .)My wife has never had to take care of the kids solo , in the same capacity that i do (we have reversed roles) but can still appreciate what i do.Next time husband has some horrible experience, broken bone, football to groin, pinched finger he should suggest the wife does the same, after all she can't appreciate what he's going through without doing it herself:D
NeuroTypical Posted October 9, 2009 Report Posted October 9, 2009 Who should back down?It doesn't matter who backs down, you'll find yourself having similar disagreements throughout your life. It's not about having someone back down - it's about how the two of you learn to resolve the disagreements and differences in perspectives the two of you will always have for as long as you're both alive.LM
stevedaddy Posted October 9, 2009 Author Report Posted October 9, 2009 Thanks for the feedback. As if it weren't obvious, I'm the husband in this scenario. I appreciate the opinions. I all likelihood, I'll be staying home with the kids and not visiting my parents. I've tried explaining to my wife that I can, and will take care of the kids (I do it regularly when she runs errands in the evening for an hour or two at a time), but since there is a lot I need to get done this weekend (not hobbies, but work) I would like to take them to my parents while I run some errands. My goal here is to get some perspectives from people not involved. Obviously, I think I'm right and she thinks she's right. I just can't wrap my head around her reasoning. Perhaps some young moms out there can help me understand why she's requiring me to do it alone. Thanks again.
stevedaddy Posted October 9, 2009 Author Report Posted October 9, 2009 It doesn't matter who backs down, you'll find yourself having similar disagreements throughout your life. It's not about having someone back down - it's about how the two of you learn to resolve the disagreements and differences in perspectives the two of you will always have for as long as you're both alive.LMNo kidding. What do you recommend? We are both stubborn. I don't ever recall winning an argument like this, and to not do as she requests would bring certain wrath. Sometimes these differences seem to materialize out of no where and completely blindside me.My goal is to get a less emotional perspective from a third party on what seems reasonable in this situation.
pam Posted October 9, 2009 Report Posted October 9, 2009 I think the whole thing is about compromise. You have things you need and want to get done as well as she.
pam Posted October 9, 2009 Report Posted October 9, 2009 Perhaps working out some kind of schedule. Allows both of you to accomplish and do the things you want/need to do. I do have to admit...when I asked for the larger block of time..I did tend to forget the many little things he did that allowed me smaller segments of time to myself.
MarginOfError Posted October 9, 2009 Report Posted October 9, 2009 There are two things about this situation that bother me. 1) the father's is described as being a flawless non-slacker. The mother, on the other hand, is described almost completely negatively. The lack of anything negative about him and anything positive about her makes me suspicious. 2) skilled communicators don't go to anonymous message boards to muster up support for their points of view. Putting together the tone with which the mother and father are described and the implied gender of your screen name, I'm afraid I have to conclude that you are the father in this instance. So far, I'm not too impressed. I don't care what you and your wife decide to do about this squabble. But it does appear that you need to do some serious work on your conflict management skills.
hordak Posted October 9, 2009 Report Posted October 9, 2009 It doesn't matter who backs down, you'll find yourself having similar disagreements throughout your life. It's not about having someone back down - it's about how the two of you learn to resolve the disagreements and differences in perspectives the two of you will always have for as long as you're both alive.LMGood stuff. As Dr Phil said "you can be right, or you can be married"opYou can be right with you friends,not with your wife. the sooner you learn that better the marriage will be. Only half joking
pam Posted October 9, 2009 Report Posted October 9, 2009 Steve..let me ask this. Does your wife work outside the home?
Moksha Posted October 9, 2009 Report Posted October 9, 2009 Steve, you should back down for now and spend that Saturday with your kids. I suspect your wife wants both recognition and appreciation for the hard work she does all day. You should affirm this by saying, "Honey, I have a new found respect for all the work and dedication you give in taking care of our kids. I see now how you must feel". Or something like that. Even if we guys can't always see it, we can still make empathetic sounds. Let other weekends be Grandparents time. Your wife needs affirmation now. :)
Guest Alana Posted October 9, 2009 Report Posted October 9, 2009 It's very obvious that you are the husband:) I don't see a problem with your wife wanting you to get a real taste of what it is like to be a stay at home parent. Going to your parents house will take away from the experience that your wife is wanting you to experience. I can understand why she is upset, she wants you to appreciate her and realize how overwhelming life is on those days where she is at home all day with kids. Does she have a problem with you taking the kids to your parents or is it only when she sets aside this specific time for you to have this experience? Go ahead and do it her way, and also do it your way an other time. Being a stay at home parent is hard work in a very different way then work is outside of the home. If your wife doesn't think you appreciate her efforts in this role, is it because a lack of communication and love on your part? Is your wife overwhelmed and wants more of your support? Can you give her this support? Even if you understand what her life is like at this time, if you don't express your empathy, she may be feeling empty. It's not a case of whose right and wrong and who should back down, more of a case of WHY there is a problem. As her husband, you expressing your love and appreciation can mean the world to her, don't skimp on it.
Guest Posted October 9, 2009 Report Posted October 9, 2009 I'm only seeing one side of the story, but from what I see, it seems like spending 4 hours with your newborn on a weekend is the LEAST of your worries. Something is bubbling in that relationship. Something both of you will need to sit down and figure out before it gets any worse. I think it is ridiculous for her to require you to spend 4 hours with the baby out of "revenge". But I don't think we're getting the full picture here. I'd spend the 4 hours to the detriment of my work just to keep peace in the house while you both figure this thing out in a loving manner. Another question... have you eliminated post partum depression? That did me a big number when I had my kids. Gave my husband a lot of grief.
stevedaddy Posted October 9, 2009 Author Report Posted October 9, 2009 There are two things about this situation that bother me.1) the father's is described as being a flawless non-slacker. The mother, on the other hand, is described almost completely negatively. The lack of anything negative about him and anything positive about her makes me suspicious. 2) skilled communicators don't go to anonymous message boards to muster up support for their points of view. Putting together the tone with which the mother and father are described and the implied gender of your screen name, I'm afraid I have to conclude that you are the father in this instance. So far, I'm not too impressed. I don't care what you and your wife decide to do about this squabble. But it does appear that you need to do some serious work on your conflict management skills.You are a clever one. And I'm afraid I have to conclude quite judgmental as well. If you had read the thread, you would notice that I will, in all likelihood, be doing what she asks. It's not worth the argument. I'm on this forum with the hopes of understanding her side better. When I try and get her to explain it to me, it sounds like I have to do it because she wants me to and that should be good enough. Thanks for your condescending reply. I still appreciate the feedback.
Gwen Posted October 9, 2009 Report Posted October 9, 2009 sounds like poor communication going on all around. i would suggest you look at this thread...http://www.lds.net/forums/advice-board/25622-resources-links-your-marriage.htmlparticularly the links for "his needs her needs" the "marriage builders" link; the dessert book "for all eternity"; and possibly "love languages" though i've not read that one i bet it would help your situation.
Guest Posted October 9, 2009 Report Posted October 9, 2009 You are a clever one. And I'm afraid I have to conclude quite judgmental as well. If you had read the thread, you would notice that I will, in all likelihood, be doing what she asks. It's not worth the argument. I'm on this forum with the hopes of understanding her side better. When I try and get her to explain it to me, it sounds like I have to do it because she wants me to and that should be good enough. Thanks for your condescending reply. I still appreciate the feedback.From a female perspective, I don't think "I will, in all likelihood, be doing what she asks. It's not worth the argument." is a satisfactory solution to the problem. So hopefully, that's not all that you're going to do. It took my husband and me a loooonngg time to "speak in the same language". For example - when my husband comes home from work and he's super tired and I see him staring at the wall, I ask him, "what are you thinking?" and he would say, "Nothing". In my language, what he said was, "I don't want to talk to you about it". When, the truth of the matter was, he really really really was thinking of NOTHING! That took years to figure out! Because it took me years to finally understand my husband is truly capable of thinking of NOTHING. So, for a while there, I would feel hurt and it piles up inside me until I would start not telling him how I feel about some stuff too when he asks, just out of "revenge". Know what I'm saying? So, yeah, you shouldn't just do things coz it's not worth the argument. You should try to figure out what language she's speaking in... and vice versa, of course. And that's not something anyone of us here can really help you with... except for general "women speak" and not necessarily how "your wife speaks".
stevedaddy Posted October 9, 2009 Author Report Posted October 9, 2009 Thanks for the feedback everyone. Fortunately for us, we rarely argue. This one just sort of came out of nowhere for me. It probably does have something to do with her feeling a bit unappreciated lately. That best explains her adamant position that I take care of the kids alone. I especially appreciate the comments that helped me gain a better perspective.... as for those of you who like to point out our underlying problems, I wish you luck in your future web-forum diagnoses.
Guest Alana Posted October 9, 2009 Report Posted October 9, 2009 OH web diagnosis! How fun, here I go! I'll explain her side for you, if I may be so bold. She is completely tired, stressed, overwhelmed and is really trying hard to be a good mother. Since you are her favorite person in the world she wants to feel like you see the effort behind her actions, even though she and her actions are competently hectic, tired, sometimes frantic and especially ragged. By stepping into her shoes with no relief (and yes, going to your parents would be relief) she is hoping you will see the hurculean effort she is performing and you'll suddenly say to yourself "Wow! My wife is awesome and I should treat her like the Queen she is!" Making comments such as "you would notice that I will, in all likelihood, be doing what she asks. It's not worth the argument." undermine the effort because you're doing something because she's nagging you and you don't' want to hear it, not because you love her and realize that if something is important, that makes it important, even if you don't agree. (If it's hard to see the importance, it's ok to pretend) To sum it all up, she wants your love and for you to understand how hard it is for her right now but how willing she is to do it. Go buy her some flowers, rub her shoulders, thank her before you watch the kids, and after you watch the kids, don't' make it sound like it was easier (or as easy, ha!) as it was.
pam Posted October 9, 2009 Report Posted October 9, 2009 I don't think your scenario Steve is much different than many of us have encountered at some point. I wish you guys the best in working this out.
Misshalfway Posted October 9, 2009 Report Posted October 9, 2009 For the record, I don't know one stay at home mom (or working one for that matter) that hasn't expressed this concern to her husband. Motherhood is just plain hard some days and it doesn't matter if the husband is doing his share, she still feels overwhelmed and like she needs to get out of the country and remember what it is like not to have spit up all over her shirt! My take is that you wife needs to hear that she is appreciated and that you do understand her needs and her stressors and that it isn't about keeping score to you, but making sure she knows her happiness is important to you. When was the last time you wrote her a note thanking her for her many sacrifices? Or when was the last weekend you surprised her with? Or you know. ...why not stay home with the kids and then tell her you get it and kiss her and thank her? I think part of being a husband is learning how to understand girl speak. I promise you will always get into a fight if you get defensive. Try listening and meeting the need instead. Then you'll feel like a super hero and she'll prolly want to jump your bones!
stevedaddy Posted October 9, 2009 Author Report Posted October 9, 2009 It took my husband and me a loooonngg time to "speak in the same language". For example - when my husband comes home from work and he's super tired and I see him staring at the wall, I ask him, "what are you thinking?" and he would say, "Nothing". In my language, what he said was, "I don't want to talk to you about it". When, the truth of the matter was, he really really really was thinking of NOTHING! That took years to figure out! Because it took me years to finally understand my husband is truly capable of thinking of NOTHING. So, for a while there, I would feel hurt and it piles up inside me until I would start not telling him how I feel about some stuff too when he asks, just out of "revenge". Know what I'm saying? So, yeah, you shouldn't just do things coz it's not worth the argument. You should try to figure out what language she's speaking in... and vice versa, of course. And that's not something anyone of us here can really help you with... except for general "women speak" and not necessarily how "your wife speaks".My whole goal here is to gain some additional perspective to her language here. It's hard to get it from her without making her frustrated. She has a tough time putting into words her feelings. I have a tough time making sense of her feelings without them being put into words. Does that make sense? Sometimes, doing what she wants without understanding why, amounts to doing it because it's not worth the frustration on both our parts. I don't see this as much different than you having a hard time understanding your husband. I would say at least I'm working on understanding her better by coming on here. As stupid as it seems to ask complete strangers for their opinions, some people have given quite useful feedback... as opposed to those who want to use this forum as an opportunity to chastise.
Guest Posted October 9, 2009 Report Posted October 9, 2009 And before you go... check out post-partum depression, just to eliminate that out of the equation. And invest in a breast pump. They have nice Avent manual pump that I've used with lots of success and it costs under 50 bucks. This tells her - honey, I completely support giving you time to yourself and here's a breast pump you can use so you won't have to worry about your boobs hurting from too-long-between-feeding times. And that way, you have some stored milk for when she goes out again without the baby.
Misshalfway Posted October 9, 2009 Report Posted October 9, 2009 My whole goal here is to gain some additional perspective to her language here. It's hard to get it from her without making her frustrated. She has a tough time putting into words her feelings. I have a tough time making sense of her feelings without them being put into words. Does that make sense? Sometimes, doing what she wants without understanding why, amounts to doing it because it's not worth the frustration on both our parts. I don't see this as much different than you having a hard time understanding your husband. I would say at least I'm working on understanding her better by coming on here. As stupid as it seems to ask complete strangers for their opinions, some people have given quite useful feedback... as opposed to those who want to use this forum as an opportunity to chastise.It's always a trick to understand what she is really saying. Heck, she may be discovering how she really feels as she talks it through. And for us girls, sometimes it hard to know how our H's feel because they don't talk as much and we have to read their minds which sometimes really sucks. Try restating and validating. All the reacting and defending....its just a waste of energy. And understand that sometimes girls just need to vent.BTW.....I don't really like the caving thing. You know....just doing it cuz you'd rather avoid her wrath. I'd rather see you do it because you "get it" and I'll bet my last two pennies that's what she wants too.
Gwen Posted October 9, 2009 Report Posted October 9, 2009 why i said what i did about communication... she is demanding that you do something (that you think is unreasonable)... why?.... odds are she thinks it will fill some need she is having... instead of communicating the need (be it appreciation, family commitment, etc) she is making a request of an action that she thinks will meet the need. some here seem to think the need is appreciation. as they have also pointed out your saying "well fine i'll stay home and watch the kids" won't get her that need met so in the end the need is still unmet, you are annoyed that you didn't get work done cause she was being so silly..... over time that could become a problem... since her need still isn't met she will keep making odd demands and this just goes round and round and round. sounds fun huh? thus the recommendations i made... will help you and her figure out what the need is (since there is usually more than one way to meet a need) you can find a way to get those met together in a much more logical and rational way. by the way if you don't want web-forum diagnosis on underlying problems don't ask for advise on your personal issues. sometimes you get what you pay for.
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