My Trip to Paris, now Has more meaning.

[xoomer]

I'm Filipino As well, Although only an 1/8th and she doesn't appear to be a psycho, She does speak English well but not Conversationally. there are times when we don't understand each other. Her aunt is like a second mom to me, and Her sister is an outstanding woman. She asked her sister to tell me about the situation, and her sister and I had about a two hour conversation, I felt broken hearted at first. but now I know how I feel. I grew up never know what it was like to have a real family. I grew up with my grandmother, never having a father figure really. The neighborhood I grew up in is dotted with houses where I am always welcome, because I became like family. I have vowed in my life to make a difference. I may not be this boys father but god be willing I will do the best job I can.

I'm talking to my bishop for advice, I have talked to the missionaries at my ward. And even though I am around the world from her I still constantly have her on my mind. I still believe in her the same way I did. the same way I am. Her sister asked me when we were done with the conversation.... how I felt, I told her I need to think, And she responded to me that no matter my decision there would be no hard feelings. and she reassured me that her sister does have feelings for me.

This hurts. But I'm happy for her. and I think I'm happy for me too.

[Guest]

I'm Filipino As well, Although only an 1/8th and she doesn't appear to be a psycho, She does speak English well but not Conversationally. there are times when we don't understand each other. Her aunt is like a second mom to me, and Her sister is an outstanding woman. She asked her sister to tell me about the situation, and her sister and I had about a two hour conversation, I felt broken hearted at first. but now I know how I feel. I grew up never know what it was like to have a real family. I grew up with my grandmother, never having a father figure really. The neighborhood I grew up in is dotted with houses where I am always welcome, because I became like family. I have vowed in my life to make a difference. I may not be this boys father but god be willing I will do the best job I can.

I'm talking to my bishop for advice, I have talked to the missionaries at my ward. And even though I am around the world from her I still constantly have her on my mind. I still believe in her the same way I did. the same way I am. Her sister asked me when we were done with the conversation.... how I felt, I told her I need to think, And she responded to me that no matter my decision there would be no hard feelings. and she reassured me that her sister does have feelings for me.

This hurts. But I'm happy for her. and I think I'm happy for me too.

Well then... Go! Bring her over! Marry her! Filipinos are cool. But please... make sure she is in the same forever-ever-after mindset. Put it writing even - so that when you start to fight (which you will, trust me) - you can both read that paper and try harder to patch things up.

Edit: P.S. She might not convert. Make sure you are okay with this. And make sure she is okay with you not converting to her religion either. And make sure you agree on what religion to raise the child in. Very very important.

[Maya]

I am a bit dissapointed in you... falling like that. But I hope everything will go ok. Did she really tell you first that the baby was yours? That was cheep. I know you are in loooove now... and I hope this wont turn out to an other drama that will deply hurt you one day. I hope she is cabable of a one soilid relation the rest of her life and trough eternity.

Good luck to both of you... all 3 of you.

[xoomer]

I am going back and forth on this... I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to stand up and be there. part of me wants to walk away. I'm not so sure.. kinda depressed. Thank you Dr. for a cabinet full of Medications to help with that...

FYI: I'm Bipolar, with depression, PTSD. I'm used to dealing with depression. I'm just going through the stages.

[Maya]

I am going back and forth on this... I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to stand up and be there. part of me wants to walk away. I'm not so sure.. kinda depressed. Thank you Dr. for a cabinet full of Medications to help with that...

FYI: I'm Bipolar, with depression, PTSD. I'm used to dealing with depression. I'm just going through the stages.

Auch. My dad had what then was called manic drepressivity.

Talk with your bishop. I hope he will soon be back in town.

Some people really fall in love fast. I did ... tok me 3 days

We met in August for 4 days, one week in fall one week at Christmas when he proposed to me then one week in spring and marriage in May...

Carzy, totally out of world experience!

I wish I could help you more. I really thnk that in marriage, first there is love then there is commitment and love, but the love is not enough to carry you over everything you need commitment. Who you marry is not in a way important, you can have a good marriage with anyone with commitment, but love is an asset.

Adding this : I am adopted and it was my ad father.

Edited January 6, 2010 by Maya

[Vanhin]

Hey Xoomer,

I'm with Charlyc. Do everything you can to make it work. Repent and do the right things from here on out. You will have to come to terms with the consequences of your actions, and discussing all of this with your very own bishop is the right thing to do. There is no forgiveness without repentance, so make that a priority.

Speaking as a regular sinner myself, I can assure you we are not without sin ourselves. It may not be the same exact sins for each of us as it is for you, but we all have fallen short of the glory of God a time or two. Here is the advice Alma gave his son -

And now, my son, I desire that ye should let these things trouble you no more, and only let your sins trouble you, with that trouble which shall bring you down unto repentance. (Alma 42:29)

Sincerely,

Vanhin

[hordak]

xoomer.

If i'm reading this right a girl, you met on vacation in a foreign country was willing to have (what i presume to be unprotected) sex with you after knowing you for 2 weeks tops. Told you you were her first and she was having your baby only to find out that it was not yours so either you weren't her first,and she lied, or she was sleeping with another man shortly after your 2 weeks together that apparently left you "smitten" but not her.

You have "emotional mental issues"

"Bipolar, with depression, PTSD. I'm used to dealing with depression."

Now your speaking of "stepping up"

I don't know what you mean by that. If it means call her and offer support good for you. That is a nice a thing to do.

If it means committing to spending the rest of your life with her. I don't think that is a good decision to make if your suffering right now, not to mention the circumstances behind your relationship.

I trust her and her family.. a family that has been like family me for a long time.

I grew up never know what it was like to have a real family. I grew up with my grandmother, never having a father figure really. The neighborhood I grew up in is dotted with houses where I am always welcome, because I became like family. I have vowed in my life to make a difference. I may not be this boys father but god be willing I will do the best job I can.

Sounds to me like your looking for a family. Or have "superman syndrome" and want to save this kid. Not a good reason to commit your life someone. imo

I don't know where you are with your depression but you should never get married to fill a void or make this type of decision if you are not "base line"

Say 0 is happy, "normal" content with life. Negative 10 is dread and despair, and positive 10 is going to Disney world.

You should not be making this choice on anything less the 0. Marriage is to add to a happy content life and make it super, not to make a depressing and terrible existence livable or ok.

Hope that makes sense.

[ryanh]

Hey Xoomer. As I read the latest updates, my mind keeps going back to the last relationship and the woe's there. Keep in mind what went wrong in the previous relationship, and examine if any of those signs exist in the present one. Seems to me that both have some traits of taking advantage of you giving nature. Good luck to you.

[SuperAlbeee]

Whilst the idea of having an instant family sounds amazing, it's also a case of the chicken before the gg. Meaning, marrying someone is a process. Celestial marriage exists for a reason, because both individuals not only need to be worth to enter the temple to need to prove to each other and their bishop that this big life step is the right one. You have bypassed all of those things and now having a family.

My advice to you is to slow down and actually get to know her. It truly takes time to get to know a person, let alone decide you want to marry them and have children with them.

You seriously need to talk to your bishop because if you don't, you're going fall away from the church for sure.

Agree with everyone, take things slow, get a DNA test when the baby is born, talk to your bishop- get his advice, and pray about it. Good luck.

[Jenamarie]

I reeeeeeeally think marriage isn't the best option for you two right now. BOTH of you have some moral issues that need to be worked out before you make such a huge commitment like this. Especially her. I mean, telling someone that a child is theirs, when it's actually not, is a HUGE HUGE lie! Did she willingly tell you the truth, or did her sister make her do it? Do you want to marry a woman knowing that she's willing to tell such huge, life-altering lies? Also, does she know who the real father is? If she doesn't, that also doesn't bode well for her ability to commit. If she *does* know, then you're going to be dealing with shared custody of this child (which will be very expensive if you're in the States and he's in France or the Philipines), OR she hasn't told the father, or doesn't want him in her life anymore, which may be why she wants to come to the States, so you'd be aiding and abetting in denying a father access to his own child. Do you really want to be a part of that?

IF you do marry her, please wait until after the baby is born, and you've had a chance to work through your emotional issues and are seeing things more clearly. Like others have said, involving yourself in a marriage, and in a child's life, is NOT something you want to screw up. Don't be rash. You have time.

[Guest]

Wait guys. Didn't Xoomer just say it is DEFINITELY his baby? He even has the paper to prove it?

Taking it slow is kinda too late in this juncture. That baby needs a father. He is the potential innocent victim here!

[pam]

He said that originally but as of yesterday Xoomer posted this:

Not Mine,

Still Plan on being there

[Guest]

XOOMER! It's not your baby? She claims she's a virgin when you met? You need a wake-up call, young man!

RUN... FAST! RUN NOW!

DROP THIS RELATIONSHIP. YOU ARE HEADED TO THE SWIRLING WATERS OF A FLUSHING TOILET. WAKE UP BEFORE YOU GET HURT SOME MORE.

LOVE IS MUCH MORE THAN THINKING ABOUT HER DAY-IN AND DAY-OUT. LOVE IS TRUST. LOVE IS SHARING. LOVE IS FOREVER. ETERNALLY.

THIS IS NOT A GOOD FOUNDATION.

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. YOU CANNOT SAVE THIS BABY. YOU ARE NOT WELL ENOUGH TO CARE FOR SOMEBODY ELSE'S KID. GIVE THE REAL FATHER THE OPPORTUNITY TO STEP UP TO THE PLATE. THE GIRL DOES NOT DESERVE YOU. SHE'S A PSYCHO.

Did my all-caps make it clear how I feel about this?

[pam]

I'm Filipino As well, Although only an 1/8th and she doesn't appear to be a psycho, She does speak English well but not Conversationally. there are times when we don't understand each other. Her aunt is like a second mom to me, and Her sister is an outstanding woman. She asked her sister to tell me about the situation, and her sister and I had about a two hour conversation, I felt broken hearted at first. but now I know how I feel. I grew up never know what it was like to have a real family. I grew up with my grandmother, never having a father figure really. The neighborhood I grew up in is dotted with houses where I am always welcome, because I became like family. I have vowed in my life to make a difference. I may not be this boys father but god be willing I will do the best job I can.

I'm talking to my bishop for advice, I have talked to the missionaries at my ward. And even though I am around the world from her I still constantly have her on my mind. I still believe in her the same way I did. the same way I am. Her sister asked me when we were done with the conversation.... how I felt, I told her I need to think, And she responded to me that no matter my decision there would be no hard feelings. and she reassured me that her sister does have feelings for me.

This hurts. But I'm happy for her. and I think I'm happy for me too.

Two things I see as a red flag here.

1. You find the girl's aunt like a second mother. Are you confusing your feelings for the family for whatever feelings you actually feel for the girl?

2. The girl couldn't tell you herself about the situation..her sister had to tell you.

You want to be there and you say you trust her. Trust is based on honesty. Has she been totally honest? Not according to your original comments in this thread. She had you believing you were the father of her baby.

I can't tell you want to do or make the decision for you. But just reading the "facts" in this thread..you are heading down a road of heartache.

[beefche]

I've always said when someone falls in love, hormones takes over. That's when family and close friends need to step in and help the person see the big picture.

So, what do your close family and friends say about her and this situation? And I'm not talking about your 2nd mother--she doesn't count since it's her daughter we're talking about.

[Jenamarie]

Someone (can't remember who) used to have in their LDS.net signature a quote along the lines of "We bring much misery into our lives when we give up what we want MOST for what we want NOW"

I think that is the road you are heading down with this girl. What you want NOW is a family: wife, kids, love, etc.

That's all well and good, but what about the circumstances around it? The potential wife has already told you a HUGE lie which her sister had to break to you. The kid isn't yours. The love, IMO, is at risk of fading out once reality hits, or not being enough to overcome all the rocks that are already in the road here. (and "All you need is love" is a load of bunk. sometimes loving someone means letting them go).

Also, I gather from your OP that she's not a member. What if she never converts. Will you be okay never being sealed to her, or to your potential offspring with her? Are you okay with starting out a marriage knowing that your wife has already told you a huge lie, and that you may have another man (the biofather) acting as a third-wheel to the relationship if he wants to be in the child's life as well? If she never converts, are you okay with raising the children in another faith? Would you be willing to go to church every Sunday and renew your baptismal covenants without your wife and kids?

Is what you want MOST a family, in any way, shape, or form? (and I agree with Pam that you may be confusing your feelings for this girl's FAMILY with your feelings for this girl)

Or is what you want MOST an ETERNAL family, that is based on true love (not just lust or infatuation), TRUST, and eternal principles, which are the only source of true, everlasting happiness?

Yes there is a baby involved here, but he/she is not YOUR responsibility. You played no part in this baby's creation, and right now it is up to the two people who DID create this baby to make the best of the situation. You and she need to give the biodad a chance to step up before you step in.

[hordak]

XOOMER! It's not your baby? She claims she's a virgin when you met? You need a wake-up call, young man!

RUN... FAST! RUN NOW!

DROP THIS RELATIONSHIP. YOU ARE HEADED TO THE SWIRLING WATERS OF A FLUSHING TOILET. WAKE UP BEFORE YOU GET HURT SOME MORE.

LOVE IS MUCH MORE THAN THINKING ABOUT HER DAY-IN AND DAY-OUT. LOVE IS TRUST. LOVE IS SHARING. LOVE IS FOREVER. ETERNALLY.

THIS IS NOT A GOOD FOUNDATION.

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. YOU CANNOT SAVE THIS BABY. YOU ARE NOT WELL ENOUGH TO CARE FOR SOMEBODY ELSE'S KID. GIVE THE REAL FATHER THE OPPORTUNITY TO STEP UP TO THE PLATE. THE GIRL DOES NOT DESERVE YOU. SHE'S A PSYCHO.

Did my all-caps make it clear how I feel about this?

I read your earlier post/ advice and was like Waaaaahhht.

Guess this show the importance of reading the who thread:D

[Elgama]

Don't take this the wrong way but...

3 letters D N A.

Since you proposed to someone you met on vacation and spent a whopping 16 days with, i'm going to go out on a limb and assume your young. "Young ung" have a tendency to be naive, don't take it personal we all we're there at one time or another( even Pam:) )

.

err hands up my husband and I were mid 20s and umm he proposed 3 days after we met. And yes the kids are all his despite the hospital trying to tell him I conceived our daughter whilst he was in the US;)

To the OP you have several considerations:

*Did when you last had sex with this woman coincide with the dates and when you had sex was she naive, if so may account for lack of protection

* does it matter if the baby is yours or not? do you still love her and could you love the child as your own? would it really change matters.

[Maya]

When My DH and I married... FIRST time we were alone for a week was some 10 years after. We never really ahd time to each other in these 20 yhears. Our "honey week" turned to 3 days when the bank needed me for some bank issues.

He was almost 50, never been married before, and got a whole family in a blink. It has not been easy, he made some mistakes, but we have survived so far so good.

I really cant understand WHY she lied to you? Maybe taht is why it was even easier to her as she already was pregnant. Was her plan to get you in trouble?

[somuchtogive]

Not Mine,

Still Plan on being there

Um...that makes NO sense to me at all unless she had a child to begin with when you met her. What you are saying is that you plan to stick by her even if the child isn't yours which means you stick by her even though she is sleeping with other men (since she is in early pregnancy). Something is not quite clicking in that brain of yours.

I am not going to tell you that this can't work out. I am going to tell you that you are going to have to face reality when it comes to a lot of ways that your life is going to change. And...there will be a lot of unexpecteds that you will have to expect. For example...you don't know how you will be accepted into her family. If you are financially independent, things will be easier. If not, you have no idea the repercussions you are putting on your own family. Often times we don't think about how our actions affect other people.

Take courage. Do the right thing. Become informed. Be responsible. Continue to go to church even if you are disfellowshipped or excommunicated. Be repentant. Be sure to get in good standing with the church again. That way...if you do marry (or even if you don't) you will have the priesthood to bless the lives of your children.

The road is not going to be easy. Right now you do not realize the gravity of what you have done. When you do, then you will have to seek lots of counsel to make the right choice.

I do have to agree with everyone...get a paternity test first before you marry this young lady. It will be peace of mind. She may be all the things you hope for in someone. Unfortunately...there are better ways of starting a life off together.

DO: send her a Book of Mormon, the missionaries, and let her know the church is important to you. That is the right direction to go.

Let us know how things go.

[xoomer]

I don't know if I mentioned this. I went in September. The baby is due in April. it was before me. She told me there was someone before me. but I didn't quite understand her in thinking she "HAD BEEN WITH HIM" she wanted to tell me. But didn't know how. atleast on the phone. that is why she had her sister do it. and I think that it was better that her sister told me because I would have probably just hung up on her. Yes, I know I need to think about this. And that is what I'm doing.

Edited for another note,

My membership in the church has not been questioned. I still have the Priesthood.

She has a Book of Mormon, (In Tagalog)

She knows that Religion is important to me and has said she would like me to baptize her. She has been working with missionaries.(assuming my Bishop will let me, him and I have not really gotten along to well).

I agree, the Biodad Has a chance and need to stand up.

I Cried myself to sleep, Last night. probably not something someone of my Statue should be saying out loud. I just couldn't figure it out. But I'm feeling pretty good about my decision I've made so far. I don't run. I made a promise to her, and I intend on keeping it.

Edited again for Ages, 26 For my self 34 for her.

Edited again for my personal feelings. Even after all of this I have forgiven her. My pride hurt, Yes. do I think It can still work, Yes.

Zach Monroe.

Edited January 7, 2010 by xoomer

[Dravin]

She knows that Religion is important to me and has said she would like me to baptize her. She has been working with missionaries.(assuming my Bishop will let me, him and I have not really gotten along to well).

If it's soon don't make any promises, actually even if its not soon probably a good idea to not make any promises until things are cleared up. No good for you to promise to baptize her and then run into the situation of having the Bishop not feel you are worthy of performing the ordinance.

[SuperAlbeee]

!!! FROM HOLIDAY LOVE, HOME REALITY!!!! AND SOME FACTS YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT LIFE IN PARIS! THERE RED FLAGS RED FLAGS ALL OVER THIS SITUATION. PLEASE READ!!

I want to share my own life experience I've had. From one young person to another.

Being a new member since July 09, I've had my own experience of "holiday love" prior to becoming a member.

I met a german guy, and fell in love with him after knowing him after 2 weeks (same as you) - I was very young and naive! I thought he was perfect, he was very handsome, intelligent, an architecture student like me, previously was a joiner (cabinet maker). He had designed and made some of his own beautiful furniture. He was romantic and sweet and I thought "This guy is THE ONE".

I went back home, we took our relationship to the next level. We wrote each other and kept in contact. There were no babies involved. Just one naive girl in love with some good looking smart german guy.

I was convinced I was in love. 3 years on....he decided to come out to Australia.

I thought, he's the one, I'm going to marry the guy, we're both going to be architects, it's going to be great living together with a guy like him..... The truth and reality were very far away.

Without telling the whole story... (and if you want to know the whole story I will gladly share it with you).

This guy didn't come to Australia primarily for me. But he pretended he was. He was running from his own troubles in Germany, where he suffered mental health issues - paranoyer. Life was not so "sweet for him in germany, and he thought Australia was his answer" He NEVER told me the truth about his mental health condition the whole 3 years before he came to Australia, actually there were LOTS of serious things I didn't know about him like, he used to be a drug addict, used very hard drugs in the past.

Without going into all the details, my advice is: You NEVER truly know someone just because you met them in person once. There is a difference between "holiday love" and "home love"

Just because you have regular email and speak to them all the time. The reality of a 'long distance relationship' is that you do not truly know them until you have spent time with them and had the chance to get to know them in person properly.

The problem is that you only get to know them in a "controlled" manner. People choose how they want to convey themself to you, what information they tell you and what information they DON'T tell you. Think of 'distance' (and the fact you only knew your girl 2 weeks) as a filter or a mask over a picture (not a face mask), just a layer which reveals some of the picture and obsecures other parts.

YOU DO NOT HAVE A FULL PICTURE ON THIS GIRL AT ALL!!!!

No matter how many times you speak to her or her family on the phone, see her on web cam. That is the blunt and honest truth.

You're view on this girl, and the reality of your situation is a HIGHLY RISKY one.

I'm an Australian living in europe. I have a lot of friends in europe and in Paris in particular.

This girl is already sending alarm bells ringing to me. A "parisian" who can't speak fluent french means she is not a French Citizen. It means she may be staying in France illegally. If not she is a student or she has a work visa (which I find hard to believe).

If she is a student, how does she support herself. What is she studying? It's highly uncommon for Phillapino people to go abroad and study because The Phillapines is a very poor country, not too many people can afford to be international students. Studying in France would be a heck of a lot more expensive than studying in Australia (which is closer). College/ univeristy fees are A LOT higher in France and the cost of living in Paris is phenominal, even compared to the rest of eruope. A coffee costs 4 euro. That's four times the price in Australia! AND France uses the euro which is almost worth double the Australian dollar. How a Phillapino family could afford to send their daughter to France for university I'm not so sure about. Either her family are superduper wealthy over there, or .... I don't know. Maybe she isn't even studying. I'm just assuming.

What I'm getting at is, she might not have a legal visa to be in France, hardly speaks fluent french how does she work, because you need a visa and VERY good french to work in Paris. It's even difficult for fluent english speakers to get a job there.

There is high unemployment in Paris at the moment. My french friends who lost their jobs in the economic crisis only just found jobs again after many many months. At least they are french citizens and receive some unemployment benefits. How does a girl who is not french, doesn't speak good french live in Paris?

The reality of your situation is, you will never know EVERYTHING you need to know about her or her family just through phone calls and writing to each other. And the other word for this is "DELUSION". The way YOU see this person may not be the way it really is.

I'm sorry it's not a romantic word and for my strong response. I do not doubt that you are in love with her or that you are trying to do the right thing. But I was taught that sometimes, you need to stop thinking with your head and be 100% rational.

The only thing we are taught by the gospel to take a leap of faith in is in God and our saviour.

In buddhism (because I used to be buddhist but still adhere to it's philosophy)

A monk told me in a very difficult life situation something which changed my life:

"You must use wisdom and compassion together, never one on their own"

I personally think you have lots of compassion for her, but you are lacking the wisdom to make a life choice here.

You need to do the most sensible thing, take a BIG bIG step back. Tell her you love her and you will be there for her but you need to reverse a few steps and actually get to know each other.

Let her have the baby, get to know her more IN PERSON. Go to the Phillapines. DON'T let her come to America and stay with you, because high chance is she won't leave if you ask her to (if things don't work out).

You also have to factor in she has NOT been honest to you on two occassions about 2 serious things. 1 she is not a virgin, 2 she is pregnant with someone else's baby. I'm sure she has her reasons for lying and those are the reasons you need to learn for yourself through time, not from her or her sister.

LYING IS A FORM OF MANIPULATION Don't forget that!!

The other good advice I have for you is "you are young, you could choose any young woman from your own country or any cultural background, and even already lds. You could have a fresh healthy relationship with someone who doesn't have someone else's baby, doesn't lie to you doesn't rely on you for US citizenship. Why HER??

If I were you, I would pray about whether God intends me to be with that person. And I would be patient and wait and listen for him.. not to myself and what I WANT.

Considering you have had so many red flags and you DON'T actually know what to do and there is confusion. It's a sign you are not in a good situation at all and you are making a bad decision.

Good luck with everything.

Edited January 7, 2010 by pam

[xoomer]

!!! FROM HOLIDAY LOVE, HOME REALITY!!!! AND SOME FACTS YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT LIFE IN PARIS! THERE RED FLAGS RED FLAGS ALL OVER THIS SITUATION. PLEASE READ!!

I want to share my own life experience I've had. From one young person to another.

Being a new member since July 09, I've had my own experience of "holiday love" prior to becoming a member.

I met a german guy, and fell in love with him after knowing him after 2 weeks (same as you) - I was very young and naive! I thought he was perfect, he was very handsome, intelligent, an architecture student like me, previously was a joiner (cabinet maker). He had designed and made some of his own beautiful furniture. He was romantic and sweet and I thought "This guy is THE ONE".

I went back home, we took our relationship to the next level. We wrote each other and kept in contact. There were no babies involved. Just one naive girl in love with some good looking smart german guy.

I was convinced I was in love. 3 years on....he decided to come out to Australia.

I thought, he's the one, I'm going to marry the guy, we're both going to be architects, it's going to be great living together with a guy like him..... The truth and reality were very far away.

Without telling the whole story... (and if you want to know the whole story I will gladly share it with you).

This guy didn't come to Australia primarily for me. But he pretended he was. He was running from his own troubles in Germany, where he suffered mental health issues - paranoyer. Life was not so "sweet for him in germany, and he thought Australia was his answer" He NEVER told me the truth about his mental health condition the whole 3 years before he came to Australia, actually there were LOTS of serious things I didn't know about him like, he used to be a drug addict, used very hard drugs in the past.

Without going into all the details, my advice is: You NEVER truly know someone just because you met them in person once. There is a difference between "holiday love" and "home love"

Just because you have regular email and speak to them all the time. The reality of a 'long distance relationship' is that you do not truly know them until you have spent time with them and had the chance to get to know them in person properly.

The problem is that you only get to know them in a "controlled" manner. People choose how they want to convey themself to you, what information they tell you and what information they DON'T tell you. Think of 'distance' (and the fact you only knew your girl 2 weeks) as a filter or a mask over a picture (not a face mask), just a layer which reveals some of the picture and obsecures other parts.

YOU DO NOT HAVE A FULL PICTURE ON THIS GIRL AT ALL!!!!

No matter how many times you speak to her or her family on the phone, see her on web cam. That is the blunt and honest truth.

You're view on this girl, and the reality of your situation is a HIGHLY RISKY one.

I'm an Australian living in europe. I have a lot of friends in europe and in Paris in particular.

This girl is already sending alarm bells ringing to me. A "parisian" who can't speak fluent french means she is not a French Citizen. It means she may be staying in France illegally. If not she is a student or she has a work visa (which I find hard to believe).

If she is a student, how does she support herself. What is she studying? It's highly uncommon for Phillapino people to go abroad and study because The Phillapines is a very poor country, not too many people can afford to be international students. Studying in France would be a heck of a lot more expensive than studying in Australia (which is closer). College/ univeristy fees are A LOT higher in France and the cost of living in Paris is phenominal, even compared to the rest of eruope. A coffee costs 4 euro. That's four times the price in Australia! AND France uses the euro which is almost worth double the Australian dollar. How a Phillapino family could afford to send their daughter to France for university I'm not so sure about. Either her family are superduper wealthy over there, or .... I don't know. Maybe she isn't even studying. I'm just assuming.

What I'm getting at is, she might not have a legal visa to be in France, hardly speaks fluent french how does she work, because you need a visa and VERY good french to work in Paris. It's even difficult for fluent english speakers to get a job there.

There is high unemployment in Paris at the moment. My french friends who lost their jobs in the economic crisis only just found jobs again after many many months. At least they are french citizens and receive some unemployment benefits. How does a girl who is not french, doesn't speak good french live in Paris?

The reality of your situation is, you will never know EVERYTHING you need to know about her or her family just through phone calls and writing to each other. And the other word for this is "DELUSION". The way YOU see this person may not be the way it really is.

I'm sorry it's not a romantic word and for my strong response. I do not doubt that you are in love with her or that you are trying to do the right thing. But I was taught that sometimes, you need to stop thinking with your head and be 100% rational.

The only thing we are taught by the gospel to take a leap of faith in is in God and our saviour.

In buddhism (because I used to be buddhist but still adhere to it's philosophy)

A monk told me in a very difficult life situation something which changed my life:

"You must use wisdom and compassion together, never one on their own"

I personally think you have lots of compassion for her, but you are lacking the wisdom to make a life choice here.

You need to do the most sensible thing, take a BIG bIG step back. Tell her you love her and you will be there for her but you need to reverse a few steps and actually get to know each other.

Let her have the baby, get to know her more IN PERSON. Go to the Phillapines. DON'T let her come to America and stay with you, because high chance is she won't leave if you ask her to (if things don't work out).

You also have to factor in she has NOT been honest to you on two occassions about 2 serious things. 1 she is not a virgin, 2 she is pregnant with someone else's baby. I'm sure she has her reasons for lying and those are the reasons you need to learn for yourself through time, not from her or her sister.

LYING IS A FORM OF MANIPULATION Don't forget that!!

The other good advice I have for you is "you are young, you could choose any young woman from your own country or any cultural background, and even already lds. You could have a fresh healthy relationship with someone who doesn't have someone else's baby, doesn't lie to you doesn't rely on you for US citizenship. Why HER??

If I were you, I would pray about whether God intends me to be with that person. And I would be patient and wait and listen for him.. not to myself and what I WANT.

Considering you have had so many red flags and you DON'T actually know what to do and there is confusion. It's a sign you are not in a good situation at all and you are making a bad decision.

Good luck with everything.

Your words, they Strengthen me. I'm still torn. but I know that I think I need to be objective. and I'm leaning more towards Leaving this situation. I'm still kind of in shock. I'm still hurting. Its just been a lot of Hard relationships for me over the years and this was the first time I felt loved back. kinda sad huh.

[pam]

No not sad but very much understandable. I think perhaps you might be starting to realize that you need to take a look at this more with your mind than with your heart.