Introduction-inactive & feeling lost

[jeycat]

Hi All,

My name is Cat & I am an inactive member of the LDS church. I was a convert who joined the church at age 21yrs. My Mother was VERY upset. I'm in my 40's now. Married to a wonderful man I met at my ward over 20yrs ago. He was also a convert.We build a beautiful family..lots of children lol. We have both always said if it was not for our membership in the church we would not have met each other. That being said we lost our way & ended up inactive.

Our son commited suicide a little over a yr ago. He was 13yrs old. He was being bullied & he never told anyone. Since then my family has completely fallen apart. He was never baptised. Even tho we have been inactive for several yrs now we do have a member friend & her family working on his Temple Baptism. Her son who is now only 13yrs himself requested that he be allowed to earn his Temple Recommend & be Baptised for his friend. This is such a beautiful thing for a boy his age to do. We know our son would be pleased with this!

I miss my son. I feel so guilty. I believe we let him down. If we had been active this would not have happened. My family has literally fallen apart since this happened. I have recently been in contact with my local LDS Bishop. It's a complicated situation. He & his wife immediately scheduled a time to come to my house & spent all afternoon here. They were so kind & compassionate. I realize how much I needed that visit & what a blessing it is that came over & spent the day with me!

I want to come back to church but I am scared. Little things like questions about how many kids I have are so difficult. I have an appointment scheduled with the Missionaries to come over my home next wk. to start working with me so I can quit smoking (started after my son died...feel guilty about this too). When they scheduled this appt they told me they would love to meet the rest of my family. I dodged this remark. Right now there is only me to meet.

I'm in alot of pain. I know I need to come back to church & get back on the right path again. I know I am being compelled to come back in answer to not just my own but many peoples prayers concerning this situation. I'm just really scared & feel so guilty. I'm on this site looking for advice & support. I guess you could say I am trying to find my LDS family so I can put my life & my home life back together again.

Cat

[OneEternalSonata]

Wow, dear sister... you have a lot on your plate! My heart goes out to your family. Heavenly Father loves you so very much, and He is very understanding and compassionate about your situation. The Savior will keep blessing and comforting you as you continue this difficult journey to come unto Him. Welcome!

[miztrniceguy]

I was inactive for 15 or so years before I took the steps to come back. The best thing I have ever done. I encourage you to go. You will be blessed.

[jeycat]

I was inactive for 15 or so years before I took the steps to come back. The best thing I have ever done. I encourage you to go. You will be blessed.

WoW 15 yrs is a long time. Was it difficult for you when you first went back? I mean how did people at your ward react they introduced themselves & found out that you weren't someone who was investigating the church, you were already a member who just stopped going for so long?

[LDSgirl]

Welcome to the site!

[MormonMama]

Jeycat, my heart goes out to you and your family. I cannot even imagine the pain of your loss. I am so very sorry.

I am also a convert, as is my husband. I went through two periods of inactivity. During one of those periods, I had a child out of wedlock. Imagine how scared I was to return to church after that! But both times I was welcomed back with open arms and a great deal of love. Anyone who would not welcome someone back to the church needs to take a good, strong look into their own heart. A soul returning to Heavenly Father is ALWAYS a good thing, regardless of the reasons why they left or how long they've been gone. Consider the story of W.W. Phelps. He not only went inactive, he flat-out apostatized, signing a statement that basically said Joseph Smith was a fraud. Members of the church suffered horrible persecutions in part because of Phelp's betrayal. Yet when he repented and returned to church, the vote to welcome him back was unanimous. So do what you need to do to make things right in your life. I cannot imagine anyone will look down on you for that, but if anyone does, feel sorry for them. That is going to count against them someday.

Now, to your feelings of guilt. It is NOT your fault that your son committed suicide. It did NOT happen because you left the church. Bad things happen to church members all the time. Being a church member does not guarantee that you will not experience horrible tragedies (the 15-year-old son of a family in our church was killed in an accident a year and a half ago). You are not being punished for leaving the church, and it is not in any way your fault. I also tried to commit suicide twice as a teenager because of being bullied and my parents had no clue. I also have a daughter who a few years ago was thinking about taking her life, and I had no clue. I know what it is like to be on both sides of that. Those who want to successfully commit suicide are often VERY good at hiding those thoughts and feelings because they don't want anyone stopping them.

I also wonder if it is possible that your son was depressed (I don't mean just sad, I mean clinically, biologically depressed) or bipolar. I say this because I was recently diagnosed as both depressed and bipolar, and looking back through my life I can see that I have always had symptoms of both, but they were overlooked because many of those symptoms mirror the normal ups and downs of childhood and especially the teen years. But those with depression and/or bipolar disorder commit or attempt suicide at much higher rates than those who don't suffer these disorders. I don't say this to make you feel even more guilty, as many people with these disorders can go well into adulthood without being diagnosed (as I was). I say it only to make you aware, if you aren't already, that there may have been other contributing factors that were out of your control.

I don't know if my words have given you any comfort or help at all or not. I hope that they have not offended you at least. I encourage you to continue in your efforts to return to church. I cannot imagine that anyone in the church would not welcome you, but if anyone behaves badly, just remember that it's YOUR eternal life hanging in the balance, not theirs. I think it is so incredibly sweet that your friend's son wants to be baptized for your son. What a wonderful display of love that young man is showing, and what a blessing to both him and your son. I know that you will see your son again. I know that Heavenly Father loves you and your son so deeply that we cannot even fathom it. I know that He weeps for your heartache. I know that whatever pain your son was suffering from is now wiped away. His suffering is relieved. I am speaking only from my own personal belief here, but I believe that anyone who feels so miserable as to take their own life, especially a child that young, cannot be in full control of their mental and emotional faculties, and as such will not be condemned for the taking of their own life by God. Again, that is just my personal belief, but I'm pretty sure church leaders have expressed similar sentiments in the past.

You are in the right place for support. You and your family are in my heart and prayers. God bless you.

[jeycat]

MormonMama,

Thank you for being so candid with such personal details about your own life. You said many of the same things both our family Dr & my Therapist have told me. Our family Dr. was so shocked & devestated by my sons suicide she actualy ended up in Therapy for awhile. She said he was the last patient she ever would have expected to do this. He was always so happy, friendly, willing to go out of his way to help others. We live in New England. During the winter he would shovel our elderly neighbors sidewalks. He alwys refused to take any money from them...altho he did love it when the one lady baked him cookies :-) The Family Dr. has said the biggest factor was that Graham (my son) was very impulsive & he felt things very deeply. His suicide was a very rash, impulsive, act. He was a 13yr old boy..he often did things without thinking them thru before hand. He was gentle & kind hearted. Sometimes I think he was just too good to be here on earth for too long.That he was a "gift" form Heavenly Father who was ment to touch our lives & those of everyone he met. To shine his love on all of us & then to return home to help prepare a place for all of us to be with him. I will always miss him but I do believe with all my heart he sees me & would not want me to be in so much pain & saddness. I also believe he wants me (us) to find our way back to church & to him.

BTW...the 2 boys who were bullying him came to his Memorial Svs & tho they could barely speak thru their tears they approached my husband & I & asked us to forgive them. Of course we did this. When people ask how or why we could do this we tell them it is simple. Our son Graham always forgave everyone. He never held a grudge. He would want us to forgive. He taught us to forgive by his example. I guess I need to remember this & keep this thought close in my heart when I have difficulty forgiving myself!

[MormonMama]

The Family Dr. has said the biggest factor was that Graham (my son) was very impulsive & he felt things very deeply. His suicide was a very rash, impulsive, act. He was a 13yr old boy..he often did things without thinking them thru before hand.

That sounds a lot like me. Even as an adult, I am horribly impulsive. It's gotten me into a lot of trouble on more than one occasion.

BTW...the 2 boys who were bullying him came to his Memorial Svs & tho they could barely speak thru their tears they approached my husband & I & asked us to forgive them. Of course we did this.

I am so glad to hear this. I was actually thinking about this in church today, about what those kids felt when they got the news about your son and whether or not they were repentant. I'm glad to hear that you forgave them as well. It's so hard to forgive people who have wronged us or those we love, but holding onto a grudge only hurts ourselves. That's something I have trouble remembering.

God bless you. You sound like such a wonderful, kind, loving person. In fact, you sound very much like the wonderful person you described your son to be! I can understand where he got that nature from. :)

Again, I am so very sorry for your loss. I imagine the loss must be especially difficult at this time of year. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

[Misshalfway]

Hello and welcome, Jaycat.

I can't imagine what you have been through. I can't imagine the burdens and suffering you must feel inside your heart. I don't know if I have any words of comfort that would be adequate but what I can do is invite you not to be so afraid. I think we judge ourselves more harshly than others do. And my experience with bishops is that get rather smiley and joyful when people say they want to come back. Talk to the missionaries and maybe even your ward leaders too. There ARE answers and they get confirmed to our minds and our hearts. Sometimes they come slower because the Lord is preparing us step by step so its ok to enjoy the patience of the testimony building process.

May Father be with the most broken parts of your heart. Healing can come to all of you. You put all that fear aside if you can and put your faith in that Jesus who knows all that pain and knows how to succor his people. Ok? His love will meet you on the other side of each faithful step. And who cares about the smoking! So what! We all have our stuff to work out. Our real work is just to help each other through. So you can join with the rest of us as we learn to be still and know that he is God!

Courage and faith and healing to you and yours. And Merry Christmas too! It is the time of year we can remember the reality of Jesus and the power he has to change our lives and to heal our broken souls. He helps us have faith again.....and hope again too.

Warm hugs to you.

[Prodigal_Son]

Hello, Jeycat! While the tragedies you've suffered through (and still are) are beyond my own comprehension, I want you to know that I'm excited for you!

We all lose the path at times. That's life. That's part of this mortal probation. But you're making your way back onto the path, and that's just awesome!

It makes me think of my favorite of the Savior's parables (and my top-secret identity here on lds.net). The prodigal son, if you remember:

"...when he came to himself... he arose and came to his father. But when he was yet a great way off, his father saw him, and had compassion, and ran, and fell on his neck, and kissed him... [and] the father said to his servants, Bring forth the best robe, and put it on him; and put a ring on his hand, and shoes on his feet: and bring hither the fatted calf, and kill it; and let us eat, and be merry: for this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found. And they began to be merry."

While your OWN son is in the sweet, protective watchcare of the Savior right now, YOU have been on a "journey into a far country" and are now returning back home!

And though your guilt and self-disappointment mirror the son in the parable - NONE OF THAT IS OF ANY CONCERN TO THE FATHER!!! He cares not about the past. He only cares that you have made the necessary restitution to work your way back to Him!!! All He wants is you to feel joy and love; peace and happiness!

Elder Holland, in a talk titled A Robe, A Ring A Fatted Calf, ended his thoughts with this poetic interpretation of that parable.

"To Any Who Have Watched for a Son's Returning." by Mary Lyman Henrie

He watched his son gather all the goods

that were his lot,

anxious to be gone from tending flocks,

the dullness of the fields.

He stood by the olive tree gate long

after the caravan disappeared

where the road climbs the hills

on the far side of the valley,

into infinity.

Through changing seasons he spent the light

in a great chair, facing the far country,

and that speck of road on the horizon.

Mocking friends: "He will not come."

Whispering servants: "The old man

has lost his senses."

A chiding son: "You should not have let him go."

A grieving wife: "You need rest and sleep."

She covered his drooping shoulders,

his callused knees, when east winds blew chill, until that day . . .

A form familiar, even at infinity,

in shreds, alone, stumbling over pebbles.

"When he was a great way off,

His father saw him,

and had compassion, and ran,

and fell on his neck, and kissed him."

Know, Jeycat, that you are loved. We, here on lds.net love you. But even moreso, your Father in Heaven and your Savior love you. Keep that in mind when insecurities come and people offend. Find that rod of iron, grab tight with both hands, and make your way along the path to the Tree of Life. There you'll find your son and THE Son - and together you can enjoy eternity in the presence of our Father in Heaven.

[FairChild]

I'm so glad you came here. Please know that you are always welcome here. Come chat with us whenever you can. FC

[rren]

Jeycat, I can't even imagine what it must feel like to lose a son as you did. My heart goes out to you. I have no doubt that returning to the Church will give you much needed spiritual strength to get you through the hard times. I joined the Church 12 years ago and my life has been happy beyond belief. You can hear my conversion story hear if you'd like:

[LDSVALLEY]

I can not imagine what trials you have and are going through.

For what it's worth may I offer some comments.

The past is just that the past, the only way I know of to get beyond it is to look to the future. You have guilt over what has happened which is human nature, that way we have some control over what occurred, if only I had done this things would have been different. Your son, I am sure loved you and your family, children can usually only see short term not long term. He had his agency to choose his path, you could have been the best LDS family in existence and the same thing could just as easily happened.

But if you continue to look at the guilt or the past you can never move forward. You can only control your part in what happens now. It what you decide you want your life to represent from this time forward. If you believe in the teachings of the church then you can still set the example for your son that you would wish.

I have no real concept of the kind of pain you are going through and I am thankful for that lack of knowledge. I have an idea of how rocky the road back to the church will be, the questions the pain and the awkward moments you will have to face.

Do, of course what others have suggested, study your scriptures, talk to and pray to God, and talk to your son. Keep a journal if that helps for him. Remember he is not lost to you forever, only for a season if you do what the Lord directs you should. Don't try and become active for your son's salvation but for yours because that is the only true way. Don't rush things, let things work in the proper time.

I might be wrong but don't avoid the questions about your family.

Be proud of your family, be proud of your Son who had the courage to choose a difficult path, not one any of us would wish to see happen to anyone. But he is not guilty of any wrongdoing, he was a victim of life, a person who maybe did not choose the best path but did not choose the worst. Remember he could have taken a gun to his tormentors instead. He did not take his course to punish you, in his mind he may have thought he was saving you from dealing with his problems, (kids minds are not fully developed at his age remember.) And if those two boys have true remorse then he has helped them and those others they would have bullied to have better lives.

I am not suggesting it will ever be easy to say you have a husband and x number of children one of which is on the other side of the veil. But when you do he is still part of your family. When you avoid the question you create guilt internally because you feel you are letting him down. You don't have to give detail unless you want to.

I would recommend reading the 7 habits for highly effective families by Steven R Covey. He is a church member but the books are not of the church or mention the church. But they help understand about dealing with the things in life in general. While different things work for different people I have found this to be good for many.

Rejoice in what you have had and still have, believe there is a way to be united again. Don't wallow in might have been you can not change the past. You can only decide how you and your family deal with the future, ( this includes your departed child) what choices that are in your control, what value the rest of your life will be to those around you.

Again you have my deepest sympathy for what has happened in your life. Do not think I am suggesting simply get over it and move on, it is not simple or easy. Nor should you "get over it and move on" because to me it means forgetting about it, it was not important.

My favorite Christmas cartoon was Santa Claus is coming to town. One song was put one foot in front of the other. The winter warlock put one shaky foot down then slowly the other as the song went very slow. After each painful step another came a bit faster and steadier. By the time he got to the door he and the song were at a very fast pace. That has stuck with me for 40 years.

Just........put........one.......foot.....in.....front.....of....the....other.......and.....soon.....you;ll....be....walking....

across.....the.....floor.....just..put..one..foot..in...front...of...the..other..and soon you'll be walking out the door.

For your son's sake, for your families sake and for your sake.

[MormonMama]

But he is not guilty of any wrongdoing, he was a victim of life, a person who maybe did not choose the best path but did not choose the worst. Remember he could have taken a gun to his tormentors instead.

Such a good point. Certainly he did not take a path that anyone would wish, but at least he did not take his anguish out on others, even those who tormented him. And as we saw from a previous post, his tormenters instead were able to repent of their actions.

[Maya]

Dear siter... this must have been and still is very hard for you. I am so sad this happened. Please forgive yourself. It is never too late. Dont be afraid to get back to curch... they will take you there with open arms and they will cry with you and bear your burdens.. allow them to. And as a family forgive each other, get together mend things. It is so hard to forgive yourself, but if you dont you are like poisonous gass filling the home, you all need to forgive yourselves. I am sure he loved his family adn he wishes you all well.

Do attend the church and welcome back.

When my youngest was around 8-10 I was afraid he might do that ...

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Edited December 16, 2009 by Maya

[jeycat]

Thank you to all the wonderful, caring people who have replied to my post. Heavenly Father has certainbly heard my prayers & is leading me back to him. I found this iste & thought I would use it to 'test the waters" & see what type of reaction I got from people here before I went back to Sacrament Service. I now know that I will be welcome. I'm no longer quite so scared & nervious. I am anxious to come back. Thanks to all of you & to Our Heavenly Father.

May he also Bless each of you & your families this Christmas!

[Bini]

Welcome and best wishes.

[lydlou]

Big hugs for Jeycat.

[bytor2112]

Welcome!!