The City of Enoch - What really happened?

[Guest]

Quote

What really happened?

They were translated.  The end.

[zil]

Welcome, @rynebs!  FWIW, I feel no need whatsoever for a sensible/scientific version of scripture¹.  Nor do I feel like scripture is lacking, or doing a poor job in its purpose.  I prefer a version which enables me to learn truth from the Holy Ghost.  The modern world is full of sensible and scientific stuff, and lacking in appreciation for the miraculous.

¹Nor do I think that's what the "King of the Lab" was going for.

1 hour ago, Carborendum said:

They were translated.  The end.

Dude, you seriously need to work on your beginnings and middles.  I mean, you wrapped things up neatly, but I still feel not-quite-satisfied by the story.

[Guest]

1 minute ago, zil said:

Dude, you seriously need to work on your beginnings and middles.  I mean, you wrapped things up neatly, but I still feel not-quite-satisfied by the story.

Long, long ago, in a land not so far away, there lived a boy named Enoch...

...

...

...

Middle

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...

He led a city of very righteous people.

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...

...

They were translated.  The end.

[zil]

Just now, Carborendum said:

Long, long ago, in a land not so far away, there lived a boy named Enoch...

...

...

...

Middle

...

...

...

He led a city of very righteous people.

...

...

...

They were translated.  The end.

Kinda terse.  I mean, I dislike purple prose as much as the next person, but would a little conflict, a little character development kill you?

[Guest]

40 minutes ago, zil said:

Kinda terse.  I mean, I dislike purple prose as much as the next person, but would a little conflict, a little character development kill you?

You know I like a challenge.  (brushes off his fountain pen which he must grab with a pair of nitrile gloves).

A-hem.

Long, long ago, in a land not so far away, there lived a boy named Enoch. 

Then he grew in stature and favor with both God and man. (character development).

He led a city of people who were not so good (conflict)

He converted them and they grew in favor with God. (more development/overcoming adversity).

They were translated. The End.

Edited December 14, 2017 by Guest

[zil]

1 minute ago, Carborendum said:

You know I like a challenge.  (brushes off his fountain pen which he must grab with a pair of nitrile gloves).

1 minute ago, Carborendum said:

Long, long ago, in a land not so far away, there lived a boy named Enoch. 

Then he grew in stature and favor with both God and man.

He led a city of people who grew in favor with God.

They were translated. The End.

OK, now we're getting somewhere.  We've got character development, but wouldn't it be so much better if he had some flaw or weakness he had to overcome?  Ooooo, and what if this flaw or weakness led to a conflict - say with other folks?  But he was brave and stood up to them?  And maybe inspired some other folks?  I think that would make your story so much more compelling.

[Guest]

15 minutes ago, zil said:

OK, now we're getting somewhere.  We've got character development, but wouldn't it be so much better if he had some flaw or weakness he had to overcome?  Ooooo, and what if this flaw or weakness led to a conflict - say with other folks?  But he was brave and stood up to them?  And maybe inspired some other folks?  I think that would make your story so much more compelling.

I edited it.

[zil]

1 minute ago, Carborendum said:

I edited it.

Don't quit your day job just yet.

[mordorbund]

1 hour ago, zil said:

Dude, you seriously need to work on your beginnings and middles.  I mean, you wrapped things up neatly, but I still feel not-quite-satisfied by the story.