Infidelity

[ryanh]

I'm trying to, but there is something wrong with the system. I cannot send you a message, or even find your profile. Pam is working on it.

I don't feel comfortable posting these scans in the public forum as they are of copyrighted material, and I don't want to be making them widely available for public access.

Until the system is fixed, the only other thing I can think of is to send me an email. I think my profile settings allow people to send me emails.

[noche10]

Well I was determan to leave him or tell him to move out by Friday. I prayd all day and it dint feel right but I was tierd of it and I wanted to do it anyway…… well when I got home last night we just sat ther and didn’t really talkd he asked if I was hungry and I was so we were gonna go eat . We had just left out neigborhood , when his phone rings and it was the stake presidents secretary and asked him if he could come in that night , he was like yeah sure. So we turned around went back home he changed and we just sat there till it was time for him to leave. Well when he came back it was a total 360 -- it was like it was him (my old H ) again ( he had not been himself all month it seem like he was empty inside it was weird and scary ) but this person that cam back was HIM - so he told me he was extreamly sorry that he was so confused because he had been lost for so long that satan was confusing him ( or he was confusing satan answere and thinking they were coming from god ) like he would pray and he would only get negative answeres the president told him that he needed to work really had in fixing our marrige that he needed to fix how he hurt me , as part of his repentance process .. my H said that he fealt the spirit for the first time in a long time and knew that he had been missled he was gratful that I was firm with my pronting . He was crying and said that he does love me ,and that satan was making him feel like divorce was the answere because that’s satan whants. He said that he knows im a good wife and that he appriciates me and that he knows that the things he said to me were hurtful and that he will do whatever it takes to make it right.. He explaind to me that he was misslead by his PA to think that those women were perfect and he was noticing my fault rather then my good things.( he asked me to help him and that theres a progam that the president wants him to do to overcome his PA) ……….. He also said that he understood if I wanted to leave him but that he really wanted to do whatever it took to save and fix our marridge , I told him that I wanted 100% and that he had to be completely honest with me at all times . He agreed and I felt he was beeing sensire , now I know this is just talk I expect action pretty soon and I know it has not change anything yet but at least it’s a start… I still feel I should stay and work on our marridge. So I will but I expect a lot from him and I know it wont be ez - and some days it will be really hard that we might want to leave but I will keep praying for streght and patiance , for the both of us .--------

[Misshalfway]

Wow! I mean Wow! This is really great first steps, Noche. To see him come back to himself...for the spirit to blow away the fog of satan....this is really good. I am happy for you.

How are you feeling now? Do you think he'll keep his word and go to this program the SP suggested? Can you be involved in the program too? I mean, is there a place for wives to get the help they need?

[noche10]

i feel better but i do get a lil scared that he will start feeling the same way again.. but he seems really determind to work on it so i will push and support :) . i think i can be involed im not sure we dont have toomany details on it yet( i will up date you as i know more ) . but he also agree to seeing a proffesional for pa and for marridge counsleing ..

[Misshalfway]

This is really great, Noche. There is reason to hope. Hang in there. And take care of yourself.

[noche10]

Thank you you too

[ascotan]

My guess is that:

1. your husband has worked up to prostitutes from other things

2. your husband wants to stop and be a good man but doesn't know how

3. your husband feels terrible about himself and possible feels that he doesn't deserve you or the children

Men can be very stubborn. I think family services counseling would be a great start.

[noche10]

:confused well today is a hard day for me and for my H -- i am dealing wiht the feeling of sadness , sometime i dont belive all this has actually happend ! its painfull and i would have never expected this from him. but he is also struggleing with the constant feeling that we wont be able to get pass this or the taugh that divorce is what is best , when he spoke the the stake pressident last week he felth much better and he said he knew that he loves me and wants to do whatever it takes to make things right , the president told him that satan was trying to tell him that divorce is what he should do because satan whats to break families apart .. so almost everyday since he feels he has to fight the feeling or thoughts or diveorce out of his head . he says his heart knows what he wants but his head is telling something else ...... this puts a lot of strss on me . i mean i will help and support him and all but it really hurst to know that he is constanly haveing to tell im self not to leave me and to remind himself that he loves me ..............

Edited January 18, 2010 by noche10

[noche10]

i feel like im haveing a break down , i dont want to but my emotions are high today !!! i asked my H if he is willing to fight for us and if he is willing to fight for me .. he said yes .. he said we were going to be ok- i asked him if he really belived that he said not today but i will ( ??? ) - i dont undesrtang he is really sorry for what he did . he loves me and he is willing to do whatever it takes to make things right with me and with the lord ....... but yet the though of divorce keeps comeing in to his mind he keeps haveing doughts that we can do this ---- i know its satan ( but ) today i want it to be about me -------abut my pain about what hes action caused us -- and i want to feel his love and i want to feel sesure and safe -------- but he cant give me that because he himself is not sure ----------

i cant wait till today is over and i oray tomorrow will be much better ______

[Guest mirancs8]

I really feel for you because I've been there myself. Though each situation is very different and each person is different it's an all around tough thing to go through. If you really want to work it out and get over that obstacle you both need to seek help from either your Bishop or a therapist (both?). I'm sure you may have already started either or both of these options (forgive me I haven't read the entire thread). He has to have accountability to his actions.

You both obviously love each other and want to work this out so do whatever it takes and give it a chance. Get mad... you have a right to be mad! But if you really want to work this out you have to not only forgive him you have to allow it to go into a file somewhere deep in the back of your brain. If you keep this on the top of your thoughts then it will be tough to allow positive thoughts into your mind about your relationship. Maybe you are feeling mad at him and you haven't let it all out. You have to get it out to be able to move forward together hand in hand. The more you bottle it up the more you will start to hate him for what he did. Don't allow your path to become fogged with negative thoughts.

I wish you the best and be at peace.

[noche10]

. Maybe you are feeling mad at him and you haven't let it all out. You have to get it out to be able to move forward together hand in hand. The more you bottle it up the more you will start to hate him for what he did. Don't allow your path to become fogged with negative thoughts.

.

thank you ..... yes i do feel mad at time but i have let it out . i dont want to keep bringing it up . i know what he did was wrong , but thats not what is bugging me - at least not at the moment what buggs me is that i feel like i was the victim and yet i am the one conforting him and letting him know that it will all be ok... but who is conforting me ?? who is makeing me feel better ??? and yes i gree that we need professional help hope fully we can get that soon- we meet with the bishop tonight i am hopeing he can give him some much needed guidence as to how to get rid of the lil voice (satan ) that tells him that divorce is the best option---

[noche10]

this is so hard . some days i feel he loves me some days i dont feel it at all ..... i hate that he did this to me- to us -- there is no excuse for what he did . i feel that i am the one trying to mend our marrige when he is the one who cheated ......... i wish he was doing everything he could to show he that he is sorry ...... i know he is worried about what will happen at the dicipline councel .. but what about me !! i cant fix this alone if he is not willing to do his part then why i am trying -- y do i even bother --- i know that him sayin he is sorry 10000 times a day wont make the pain go away .. but that dosent mean he shoulnt try ........

[Misshalfway]

I am searching my heart to know what to say to you right now. I am sure I said the same words over and over again with my situation. So I am sending you my warmest hugs and any infusion of strength I can transmit over the airways.

His unavailability and his inability to engage are all symptoms of the bigger issues. Don't lose sight of that. Just observe and learn. Addicts will apologize and feel sorry for themselves and play the victim all day and completely miss that they are missing it! They will shift all the focus to themselves to avoid owning and dealing. It's just the pattern. If you find you are getting sucked into it and that your needs aren't getting heard or met, then its time to but up some boundaries about what you will and won't do. Just keep observing and sorting through your feelings. Let them teach you what you need to do. Listen to your inner voice. It is the surest thing and will help you rise above all the emotion and confusion in your heart. I can't know what it will tell you or where it will lead you but I know its never failed me.

I will be thinking of you. You aren't alone and you can do this.

[BenRaines]

I read through this thread and a few things I either missed or haven't been discussed.

1. If your husband was with a prostitute and several of them or several times he needs to be tested for STD.

2. You too need to be tested if you have been intimate since he was with this woman at any time after he was with them.

3. Do you have children?

4. What country are you in?

You may love him but he does not respect you. No man who loves or respects his wife is going to go and do what he has done. Pornography is powerful but there is something else that would cause a man to so soon leave his wife to be with a prostitute.

Depending on his knowledge about the church and how much he really understands will determine what the results are of his church disciplinary council. Also depends on country in and what the culture of that country is.

Ben Raines

[its_Chet]

Wow. Deja vu.

My wife never physically cheated on me, as far as I know, but has been emotionally unfaithful in the past, many, many times. I'd rather not get into that right now, as I've already spent a lot of time doing that in the thread about having a spouse who wasn't a virgin when you got married.

Let me just say that I see enough similarities between my situation and yours to feel like sharing with you. My wife, as I said, was emotionally unfaithful for a long time. At one point I caught her emailing love letters to an old boyfriend, and I installed a keylogger/screenshot capture program on our computer. By the time she came back home from visiting her mother, we had worked things out. If she was unfaithful after that point, she didn't use the computer to do it. I got tired of checking up on her and eventually uninstalled the program.

There were times that I felt she loved her old boyfriends more than me. She even started being inappropriately familiar with a neighbor at one point. But I have learned over the last six months that her infidelities were only a symptom of the real problem.

She has also been abusive to me in virtually every way possible, and it shames me to admit that I often returned fire for fire. This too was only a symptom of the real problem.

I'm reading these posts where you talk about your husband waffling back and forth about the divorce, and I can see it's rubbing off on you. I don't mean that to sound bad. Let me put it this way. You're husband's not thinking right, at least not consistently, and you're in this marriage with him. It's like you're both in the same car, and he's driving. He's driving recklessly, and when he takes a turn too fast or spins out of control, you're in that car with him. Does that make sense? You're having to deal with his uncertainty and indecisiveness. He's taking you along with him for a ride, and where you both go is up to him, in a way.

My wife is the exact same way. Our marriage is about to end for basically the same reason. A friend of mine, who knows a LOT about psychology, told me he thinks my wife has Borderline Personality Disorder. The quickest way I can think of to explain it is your husband or my wife - exhibit A. My wife, for example, cannot decide how she feels about anything, at least not permanently. Her opinions of people, places, things, those opinions change like the weather sometimes. When we met, she adored me. Then she got bored with me. Then she came to resent and despise me. She has at times waffled back and forth, though over the years she's spent more and more time despising me and less and less time loving me. She left me so she could go live with her mother, and she didn't mind taking the children with her to do that. It's almost been six months, and with them about to become legal residents of another state (with horrible divorce laws), I was forced to file myself, just to get the kids back. I still don't want a divorce. I gave my wife all the time to come back to me that I could, and even now, I still don't want a divorce. I just want the kids back. I want her back too. If she throws me away, it will be entirely her decision. I want to reconcile.

I'm a codependent. The quickest way I can think of to explain how that has affected my marriage is to to say that it's the only way anyone could have put up with what I've endured in 13 years of marriage to someone as selfish, abusive, and cold as my wife and still love her, faults and all. I completely understand how hard it is for you to let go of your husband. That's a decision you have to make for yourself, but don't let anyone tell you you're a freak because you can't let go. If everyone was as forgiving as a codependent is with their spouse, we'd all be almost as forgiving as the Savior Himself. No one falls in love as hard as a codependent. You sound like you know what I'm talking about. Sounds like your husband has the same problems my wife does. I think Heavenly Father pairs people like you and me up with people like our spouses because people like us are their only hope for a lasting marriage. No one else I know would have been able to stay with my wife this long, or even for a few years. I hear people tell me that all the time.

If your husband rejects you, know that he will likely be throwing away his only shot at the Celestial Kingdom. He can always repent, but if he can't do it now with everything that's on the line, he's not likely to do it for someone new in the future. It's doubtful to me that he'll be able to replace you.

Now don't go getting a big head though. Nothing is ever 100% all one person's fault. Please don't be offended at what I'm about to say. I have no idea if this applies to you or not. I'm just putting out some food for thought. If you're like me, you're probably looking desperately for something about yourself that you can change, to take some control over this situation. You can't change others, but you can change yourself, and changing yourself can become more appealing when you're in an unpleasant situation that you want to end or at least become less painful.

A friend of mine committed adultery and his marriage ended as a result. But to those who know the whole story, there's more to it than that. She was abusive to him. In fact, he thinks she has the same thing that I think my wife has. She was constantly tearing him down, criticizing him, and she was also physically abusive. Eventually he found himself growing emotionally attached to a coworker, and she initiated an intimate relationship with him. He could have resisted, but he didn't. Of course he was at fault for not resisting, even if he wasn't the one who initiated it. There's no excuse that absolves him of his participation in that relationship. But I firmly believe that if his wife had agreed to marriage counseling, had taken ownership of her behavioral issues, and had shown him more appreciation, respect, and warmth, if not actual love, he would have resisted that extra-marital relationship, at the very least on the physical level. Now my friend is divorced and remarried, and he says he had no idea marriage could be like it is for him now. He was shocked and amazed to find out what it's like to come home to a person who doesn't hate you, yell at you, scream at you, hit you, kick you, criticize you, and despise you. He has disagreements and frustrations in his new marriage, but he says they're nothing at all like what he knew as a way of life before.

I think about this a lot now, in my own situation. I am still clinging to hope for my own marriage. I don't want to lose my wife. She is the only woman with whom I've ever shared my body, my soul, and my life. I gave her the best years of my life. I have no children but what I've had with her. I have so many sacred, special memories of her. So many memories of holding her in my arms, of so many intimate embraces that I'll never forget. Heck, I even remember all the times I held her hair behind her back in a ponytail and gave her a glass of water when she was sick and throwing up. Not exactly a kodak moment, but I'd be there, rubbing her back with one hand and holding her hair out of the way with the other. I cared for her. I still do. She means everything to me, and she won't talk to me. She deleted her email account. I have to email her mom to get any message to her, and her mom doesn't think very much of me either right now, because I won't walk away from a mortgage of $140k on a house currently worth less than half of that, the best job I'll ever have, and everything else that makes where I live, where she and our children lived before she left me, the place Heavenly Father tells me He wants us to be. She chose something else over me. Sounds like your husband did the same thing.

But it also sounds like there's more hope for you. Sounds like your husband is trying a bit harder than my wife is to stay together. Not hard enough, perhaps, but there does appear to be some hope.

I know what you mean about wanting him to do the right thing for your sake and not just his own. You want his repentance to include remorse based on how he's hurt you. And it sounds like his remorse is limited to regret for having gotten himself into trouble. Maybe he'll move on to shame for what he's done to you after he deals with what he's done to himself. You would know better than me. I can tell you that one morning, in the first year of my marriage, my wife woke up bawling and wailing, burying her face in my chest. When she became coherent enough to tell me what was wrong, she said that she'd just had a bad dream about how she had treated her old boyfriends, and that she wanted to make ammends with everyone she'd hurt in the past. While I wanted to applaud her for that, I also felt it was inappropriate for her to contact old boyfriends, and was really hurt by the remorse she had for how she had treated them, yet seemed oblivious to the fact that she had already been treating me badly. I felt she ought to be more concerned about how she had treated me, or at least concerned at all. If she ever has felt such remorse, it has only been while not in my presence. I have given up waiting for it to be exhibited to me. But for that matter, I'm on a path where I will eventually have to give up waiting for my wife to come back to me, or wanting to remain married to me at all.

I'm hoping your situation and mine are similar enough that you can glean some useful insight from what I've been through, yet different enough that your marriage won't end the way mine is about to (without some kind of miracle). For the past four months I've been praying constantly for people just like you. I will continue to do so.

One final thought I'll leave with you. Lately, most of the answers to my prayers regarding my situation have been "Don't give up". Obviously, I'm not a quitter. I wasn't sure what it was I wasn't supposed to give up on. I eventually concluded that Heavenly Father doesn't want me to give up on my wife, regardless of whether or not she gives up on our marriage. I think He wants me to leave every opportunity available to her that I possibly can, for her to come back to me and honor her Temple covenants. Whether or not she does the right thing, I intend to "leave a light on" for her. Maybe even after the seemingly imminent divorce. My Patriarchal Blessing says that my wife, the mother of my children, will eventually learn to love me as I love her. If a miracle happens, maybe she'll do that before it's too late. I don't want to be alone too much longer. My wife's been gone for over five months now. I'm constantly tempted to browse the online dating sites just to see what else is out there, so I can allow myself to believe it's not the end of the world if I lose her. By the way, I have done a little browsing (though I haven't gone so far as to register), and I can tell you that 28 is not a bad age to be making yourself available on an LDS dating website. That's pretty much the average age I saw among the women out there. If you want to hang on to your marriage and not give up, I commend you. But if your marriage ends, for whatever reason, and you decide to find someone new, It sounds like you think it would be a lot more difficult than it probably would really be. So don't stop believing in yourself.

Okay, one more "final thought". Early on, one of the answers to my prayers was that "No matter how this turns out, you're going to be okay." If I were you, I'd pray about that, for yourself. I may have an outcome to my own situation that I prefer, but at least I know that if I don't get what I want, I'll get something else just as good or better. That has been a comfort to me at times.

God bless.

[noche10]

thaks miss halfway i know i need to keep listening to my inner voice sometimes it s hard with all the comotion ... but i will keep trying

Edited January 22, 2010 by noche10

[noche10]

Ben -

to answere some of ur Q s --

well he said he has been tested for stds , and i have been wanting to ask him to go and get re tested with me --- i just havent --

2. no kids

3. we are in U S

4. he had a porn addiction since he was 12 and i never knew this he said that por was a waqy to make him feel good - he then moved to " self loveing " again i was not awear of this . we had a really good marridge our first year we were happy and in love and were very intimate all the time - after the 1st year we were not haveing as much sex as he needed ( thats the way he feels loved ) and i didnt know that . so i guess stress and everything else and he turn back to porn- when he told me what had happernd i question him as to why a pro- he said that he went to one of those ' spas " he though it would be just a stripper like experiance and that he would come home to self love ---- but it turn out to be sex also ( i know what ur thinking why in the heck did he not run out the dor then ) trust me i have asked he said that he was not himslef that it fealt like a movei that when he left there he did nt belive that had actually happend , but then he went back the next month when we got in to an argument or someting -- dont get me wront i am not makeing excuses for him im just tell more of the storie ---

i am scared of whats gonna happen i mean we had a temple marrige and he was a RM and all was great , now everyday is a strugle .........

Edited January 22, 2010 by noche10

[MaMeeshkaMow]

The atonement is real. Nothing is impossible with God. Change can happen.

Advice: Make a list (writing is therapeutic and can relieve stress) all the things you think he should do to show that he wants to save the marriage. Observe. Let's say you put "don't look at pornography" on that list and you catch him looking at it. Show him that part of the list but don't show him all of it. The reason is he should be the one figuring it out. If you see he's doing ANY of what you wrote on that list (make it big), cling on to that hope and hopefully, he will do more on that list.

One more advice: If you see/observe that he does something great in a day (I don't know, does the dishes without being told to), praise him like crazy. Praising can be contagious and it can help him with self-confidence. He sounds like the kind of person who vents a lot inside and punishes himself inside. If he hears positive things that he's doing, it's more likely he will INCREASE positive living.

[noche10]

chet --

im so sorry about ur wife -- i know how it feels to love some one and want to work things out and want to hold on to then ... and feel that they dont love u ------- ( it sucks )

i feel just like what u said about the car and he is the one driveing .. i wish i had more guts ...today i was thinking maybe if i move out and stay with my parents for a couple of weeks he will realize how much he loves me and wants me in his life -- but then i think what if he realizes that life with out me is better ------------- im so confused ..

i have prayid and at one point i did feel that i would be ok with or with our him .. and then he talke to the pressident he and he came back different with a lite of hope and love in his eyes - i guess im trying to hoild on to that . but he is really struggleing with softening his heart - loveing me - and committing - he says he is trying to commit - that he dose not want a divorce but that it does crosses his mind ocasionally-- about 50% of the time --

---------he is not a bad man i know that the man i love and married is some where in there , we are good friends we get along well even now we can hang out and have fun . but there is so much missing - and i keep getting hurt by him the one person in the world i never though would purposely hurt me ---------

I think Heavenly Father pairs people like you and me up with people like our spouses because people like us are their only hope for a lasting marriage

yeah i feel that same way but i dont want to be this way why should i suffer for his stuppidity- i am a good person - dont i deserve some one who would love me as much as i love them-- right now i feel like i love him 100% even with a broken heart and im commited -- and i feel that he loves me 20% ---

thank you for all the insight and thought that really do help ... i hope ur wife realizes what she is loosing and come back to u n thr kids good luck to you..

[noche10]

i do belive that change can happen ---------- but i hate how long it will take and what i have to go thru in the mean time

[Misshalfway]

i do belive that change can happen ---------- but i hate how long it will take and what i have to go thru in the mean time

I know. It reallly bites. They say recovery from sexual addiction lasts 3 to 5 years. When I first heard that I wanted to protest loudly! I thought we would go to therapy for 12 visits and that we could put it all behind us. It was a sad realization to come to. But it does get better, if the addict gets humble and gets help. I didn't see that at first. I thought it would be excruciating every step of the way. But I learned that real recovery heals. Its the playing around it or refusing to get into it that continues the hurt. And the journey of recovery can actually be very rewarding in places. But that prolly isn't very comforting to hear right now. The wounds too fresh.

[Faded]

Jumping into the conversation rather late, so let me respond to the initial post first.

hi , everyone my husband and i have only been married for 3 1/2 years , last month he came back from a trip to visit his family and came back all distant and different he told me he was unhappy and wanted a divorce.. i was confused and really upset. then on the day before new years he confessed that he had cheated on me a year a go . with a prostitute on several occasions ...... i was devastated .......

January 1, 2009 was the day that my wife told me that she had cheated on me. I don't think anyone can truly comprehend how devastating it is without having gone through it. The road has been ugly and it hasn't stopped hurting yet. We were going through a stressful point in our marriage -- she had refused to continue going to Chruch with me, and there were a number of other factors. Long story short, the love-life side of things was impacted. She met someone online who literally charmed the pants off her, she let herself get drawn into the relationship, they met up and eventually she slept with the man.

So I know much of what you're going through. Difficult to say how to feel about the fact that he cheated with prostitutes, because that would at least mean that there isn't some woman out there whom he has fallen in love with and she with him, etc.

but most of all i m confused i trust the lord completely and i prayed and my answer is to stay with him and work things out ,, but i don't know that i will ever be able to trust him again.

A large part of rebuilding the trust comes with setting boundaries and him agreeing to live within them. My wife was not allowed to go onto the social website where she met the guy anymore. There were a lot of long talks about "how did this happen" and figuring out what went wrong. The most important thing was, my wife was more than willing to do whatever it took. Both of us agreed that we will NEVER EVER be alone with a member of the opposite gender that we are not directly related to. That's one thing that is simpler than you might think to do and it certainly eliminates risk.

also he went to talk to she bishop and he has to go to a discipline counsel ( ? ) .. but the thing that hurts me the most is that i feel i need to stay with him and he thinks that we should get a divorce ( or at least sometimes he thinks that that would be the best thing )

You're husband sounds -- reluctant? Hard to say, but was he looking for a reason to sabotage the marriage so he could simply get out of it? Unless he is fully committed to fixing things, he's only setting himself up for repeated failures in the future. He obviously went out of his way to find another woman to have sex with, so you have to get to the root of why. It's not like a porn addiction or ties to a specific person. If he's traveling on business or anything like that, the opportunities are virtually always out there if you go looking for them.

The porn addiction likely requires brutal measures. The wisest course: No computer access at all. Porn addicts relapse at the drop of a hat, much like alcoholics and other addicts. So completely removing the ability to relapse is just a good idea. He needs to earn your trust when it comes to online behavior. If he must be online, then be in the room with him.

I'm not angry with him just very disappointing and really really hurt .. i have forgiven him . but i don't feel that fixing our marriage and mending what he did to me is his priority- i know that fixing his relationship and getting forgiveness from god is and should be his priority ) but i guess i cant help but feel unloved ..........

Your husband needs to realize that he cannot make this right between him and God unless it is reconciled with you. Does that mean fixing the marriage? Not necessarily, but if he's so keen to give up on the marriage then he's being a coward.

I have a father-in law who had a porn addiction and he had decided that it would just be in his wife's best interests if he wasn't around anymore. It's possible that your husband may be thinking along the same lines: That you'd be better off if he just left.

Father-in-law's rethought that and they've sorted themselves out. They're quite happy in their marriage now -- but it's never perfect of course.

[Faded]

Well I was determined to leave him or tell him to move out by Friday. I prayed all day and it dint feel right but I was tired of it and I wanted to do it anyway…… well when I got home last night we just sat there and didn’t really talked he asked if I was hungry and I was so we were gonna go eat . We had just left out neighborhood , when his phone rings and it was the stake presidents secretary and asked him if he could come in that night , he was like yeah sure.

So we turned around went back home he changed and we just sat there till it was time for him to leave. Well when he came back it was a total 360 -- it was like it was him (my old H ) again ( he had not been himself all month it seem like he was empty inside it was weird and scary ) but this person that cam back was HIM - so he told me he was extremely sorry that he was so confused because he had been lost for so long that Satan was confusing him ( or he was confusing Satan answered and thinking they were coming from god ) like he would pray and he would only get negative answers the president told him that he needed to work really had in fixing our marriage that he needed to fix how he hurt me , as part of his repentance process .. my H said that he felt the spirit for the first time in a long time and knew that he had been miss led he was grateful that I was firm with my prompting . He was crying and said that he does love me ,and that Satan was making him feel like divorce was the answer because that’s Satan wants. He said that he knows I'm a good wife and that he appreciates me and that he knows that the things he said to me were hurtful and that he will do whatever it takes to make it right.. He explaind to me that he was mislead by his PA to think that those women were perfect and he was noticing my fault rather then my good things.

( he asked me to help him and that there's a program that the president wants him to do to overcome his PA) ……….. He also said that he understood if I wanted to leave him but that he really wanted to do whatever it took to save and fix our marriage , I told him that I wanted 100% and that he had to be completely honest with me at all times . He agreed and I felt he was being sincere , now I know this is just talk I expect action pretty soon and I know it has not change anything yet but at least it’s a start… I still feel I should stay and work on our marriage. So I will but I expect a lot from him and I know it wont be ez - and some days it will be really hard that we might want to leave but I will keep praying for straight and patience , for the both of us .--------

Good that things are playing out well. Your husband got himself buried deep in Satan's territory. Porn, prostitutes, etc. So many of his perceptions and ideas have been twisted and warped. It doesn't get undone overnight.

My best advice: Create structured rules that will prevent him from relapsing. That is a HUGE danger right now. And he needs to agree to do a lot of things to make it up to you -- and this is an important point. When my wife confessed to me about the affair, I realized that she needed to be actively doing a lot of things to repair the damage. It was more for her sake than for mine. It was by her actively working on specific tasks that helped me realize she wanted to earn my forgiveness. More importantly, I know it really helped her realize how much she valued our marriage. You might want to chat with the Bishop about coming up with some ideas there.

One thing that sabotaged my wife was that somewhere or another, she had picked up the notion that our marriage was disposable. If things weren't going well, she could just leave. It seems that your husband is fighting against the same notions. Marriage was not intended to be disposable, and your husband needs to realize that. He might think, "It's just better off if we part ways" or whatever, but that mentality is in direct violation to God's will and God's commandments. This is not a cell-phone contract that you break, pay a fee and get out of. Until he realizes that, he'll never be 100% right with God.

Tendency is, if you've told yourself about a million times, "I just want to get a divorce and move on" that you'll convince yourself it's true. You're husband needs to unlearn that bit of idiot-wisdom.

Were you married in the temple, incidentally? You may have mentioned it, but I didn't see it.

Edited January 23, 2010 by Faded

[noche10]

faded -

yes we were married in the temple --

i am sorry to hear about your wife - but at she seems to be willing to do whatever it takes and that is great and gives hope

- i know this will take a while he says he has hard day and then harder ones - the idea of divorce is so strong in his head that he is always fighthing it off ( i know at least his fighthihg it ) but the trueth is that sometimes he just gives in and makes him self belive that that would be best for me ...... he says that this ways i can move on and have a fresh start with some one that will treat me right .............

i agree with you about this being the chicken way out ------ sometimes i just want to scream and tell him be a man u broke it now u fix it !!! -------- but --- that would only make this worse as he is always so defensive this days --- i really belive that if he is sorry and ready to go thru his rempeting proses that our marriege can heal as his works on healing his realtionship with the lord ........ but sometimes he dosent seem to interested in doing both - or eaither one for that matter..

about the porn addiction - yes he is under a no use of computer alone rule - we are installing a parental control soon- one which he dosnet know the pass word to... and he is ok with that ..

i dont know -- right now its is truely one day at the time for us because he still fighting with the notion that divorce would be best - i compleatly understand what u say about the dumb idea that marrige is disposable i feel that he feel that ways - he says it s not and that he is trying to change that way of thinking but that its hard ---

thanks for ur support

Edited January 25, 2010 by noche10

[its_Chet]

Thanks Noche

Obviously, you and I both know what the other is going through. Sounds like there are others on this thread too. How sad that this sort of tragedy affects so many. I had hoped it was more rare than this. It's starting to sound like an epidemic.

I want to take another opportunity to encourage you to follow your heart in this matter. If you feel like holding on to your husband, even if it seems all hope for your marriage is nearly lost, do what you think is right! Some of my friends simply don't understand why I waited as long as I did to file divorce papers, why I kept waiting for my wife to come back to me instead of taking legal action to get the kids back sooner. Some in my ward even questioned whether or not I loved my children, because I let her keep them from me for so long. They just didn't understand why I was so patient and forgiving with her, why I allowed her to come as close to getting the kids legal residence in another state, which would effectively terminate my rights as their father. I had to give her every opportunity to come back to me that I could. I had to wait. I had to hope. I still love my wife and don't want to lose her. Here's why, and I have a feeling you can relate:

I have so many beautiful, sacred, treasured, romantic, joyful memories with her. Yeah, there have been bad times. There have been times when we fought like cats and dogs, abused each other in almost every way, etc. But when I look back, I remember a LOT more of the good times than bad. I remember anniversaries, birthdays, Christmases, etc. I remember dates. I remember family outings that turned up special but brief, romantic moments between the two of us. I remember plenty of times we went out for a drive and got caught up in a romantic moment and..... well I remember a lot of stuff like that. When she wanted to, she could really make me feel loved and cherished.

I also remember being with her during bad times that didn't involve fighting. I remember being with her on 9-11. I remember being with her when her dad died. I remember trying to comfort her after a miscarriage. I remember holding her in my arms and comforting her after she had just confessed feeling attracted to another man. I remember trying to comfort her through her depression, anxiety, etc. I remember every time she was sick and throwing up, bringing her a cup of water, holding her hair behind her head in a ponytail with one hand, and rubbing her back with the other. I remember being there for her, serving her, and loving her.

I know how it feels to think about trying to let go. I know how it feels to think that there will never be another one for me, or at the very least, never one I could bind myself to so intimately and thoroughly. I gave my wife things I can't take back and give to someone else. I gave her my virginity. She is the only woman who ever saw me undressed and wasn't changing my diaper. I always believed with absolute certainty that she would forever be the only one. She is the woman of my dreams and all I ever wanted (at least when her behavioral disorders aren't acting up).

Now all that is about to end. It will be her choice. I refuse to pursue the divorce any farther than is necessary to get my kids back, which is the whole reason I filed. I don't want a divorce, but filing was the only way to get my children back before they became legal residents of another state, one which has some of the worst laws regarding divorce and child custody in the country, while my home state has some of the best and most fair.

Enough about me. I'm just trying to illustrate how hard it is to let go, and to tell you I can empathize with your situation. Only you can decide whether to hold on or let go. Advice and opinion may help you make your own decision, but only you can know what is best for you. I would encourage you to look to your Priesthood authority rather than allowing a relative to interfere in your marriage, or whatever is left of it. The meddling of in laws is the primary reason my marriage is failing right now.

Getting back to what I said about you being your husband's only shot at the Celestial Kingdom, I did not mean to say that you or I are obligated to hold on to our spouses in spite of intolerable circumstances, such as the pain they are putting us through as they wallow in their own selfishness. Only you know what you can take. Only you know when it will be more than you can stand and you have to walk away. Be glad you don't have children with this guy. Your freedom to leave him and not look back, if you choose to, is a comfort I envy. If I and my wife had no children, I'd just keep waiting and let her divorce me when she eventually chose to, and my pain would be much less than it is. I have to live with not only the pain she is causing me, but also the pain this is causing our children, and the pain I'm causing her by taking a stand against her in court. And the pain I am causing her hurts me too. I feel responsible for that pain, even though I'm only doing what she has forced me to do because of the situation she has put me in against my will.

It is very likely that you and I both will lose our spouses, regardless of what we want, or how hard we try to be the best we can be. We can only control what we do. Love isn't always returned as it is given, unfortunately. What I will remember if my marriage fails, and I hope you will too, is that it won't be my fault because I've done all I could to save it, and if my spouse chooses to destroy our marriage, I will be given someone better, someone who will treat me the way I treat them. Heavenly Father has allowed my wife to reject me for a long time, and I feel that He has given to me the right to decide with a clear conscience whether or not I wish to go on like this. Her chance is almost up. She is nearly ripe in the iniquity of her rejection of me and the covenants she has made in the Temple. Heavenly Father has let me know that like Nephi, whom He authorized to shut up the heavens or send forth the rain at his own discretion, because He trusted Nephi to do so wisely, Heavenly Father has also authorized me to cling to my unloving wife or let her go if I choose. I know that if I lose her He will replace her for me with someone who would treat me much better.

I don't want to replace her, though. There is no replacing anyone. Everyone is a unique child of God and cannot be replaced. But Father has expressed to me that He has confidence in my judgment, that I have proven my love is very strong, and that He will stand by the decisions I make in this crisis. He has authorized me to decide when my wife's chances are run out in our marriage, or to continue to hold on to her, if that is what I choose. Eventually, we all run out of opportunities to do the right thing. None of us are capable of procrastinating the day of our repentance forever. My wife's time is about up, though she will have to be the one to pull the plug because I won't do it. Maybe that's why Father trusts me with this decision.

Noche, I believe you're in pretty much the same situation, though I am not entitled to that level of inspiration for your life. Please just consider my own situation as food for thought. I know a guy who went through what I'm going through, and he didn't make the decisions I'm making right now. He is suffering for it. I learned from the results of his choices. I won't let what happened to him happen to me too. But he made his choices, I'm making mine, and you have to make yours.

Take courage, remember that in Gethsemane our Lord felt what you and I are feeling, that there is no pain with which He is unfamiliar, and there is no compassion for you that He lacks. In your mind, imagine His arms wrapped around you, your tears drenching his shoulder, and the comfort He promised to send you. He will not completely take away the pain (at least He hasn't for me), but He will take away enough of it that you can survive and do what needs to be done. I have felt this for myself. I testify to you that it is real, and I encourage you to seek after this experience for yourself. And remember that it is usually through the actions of those around us that God meets our needs. You may look around and wonder where the Savior is in your darkest moments, and later realize that He was present in the comforting embrace and words of friends and relatives, even coworkers, even your boss!

In the end, you still have to get yourself through this personal crisis. Only you can do it. You have to live with the consequences of the decision you make, good or bad. Agency requires you make your own decisions, whether you want to or not. But you don't have to do so without comfort, without guidance, without inspiration, without Divine assistance, or the friendly advice of people whose input you value. Take it all in, make as much of it as you want to your own, and take courage for the future. It's coming and can't be stopped. But you can be ready for it. Gather your strength and follow your heart. Only you will know whether or not your marriage is to survive. But I strongly believe that you, like me, have earned the right through faith and love, to move on if you choose to do so, and that Father will provide you with someone better if that is what you choose. The bad decisions made by your spouse and mine are not your fault or mine. We are free to forgive, but we are not obligated to suffer at their hands forever.