Infidelity


noche10

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hi , everyone my husband and i have only been married for 3 1/2 years , last month he came back from a trip to visit his family and came back all distant and different he told me he was unhappy and wanted a divorce.. i was confused and really upset. then on the day beore new years he confessed that he had cheated on me a year a go . with a prostitute on several ocations ...... i was devestated ....... but most of all i m confussed i trust the lord completly and i prayid and my answere is to stay with him and wrok things out ,, but i dont know that i will ever be able to trust him again . also he went to talk to she bishop and he has to go to a disapline councel ( ? ) .. but the thing that hurts me the most is that i feel i need to stay with him and he thinks that we should get a divorce ( or at least sometimes he thinks that that would be the best thing ) im not angry with him just very dissapointed and really really hurt .. i have forgiven him . but i dont feel that fixing out marriagde and mending what he did to me is his prioroty- i know that fixing his realationship and getting forgivenss from god is and should be his prioroty ) but i guess i cant help but feel unloved ..........

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I am so so sorry. I can only imagine the heart ache you feel and I can sympathize with the confusion of trying to do the best thing while trying to grapple with the devistation of it all.

I hope you are giving yourself and the situation a grace period. Maybe all the decisions won't get made today and maybe there will be lots of loose ends for a while. It's ok if its like that. If God is telling you to stay, I am going to guess that He isn't necessarily stipulating how you stay together. Carve out some space for yourself. You can still be married, but not compromise important boundaries. And its ok for your H to have to deal with the consequences of his behavior.

I think its importantt for you to give yourself time and space to heal from this initial impact before you move on to diagnosing the causes and breakdowns of the relationship. Maybe that means living away for a period of time or creating a schedule that gives you healing distance. And its important for both of you to take responsibilty for this circumstance properly. I hope your H is humble enough to do so. And I hope you are centered enough not to take on things that are not yours to own.

When you are ready, it might be good to discover whether your H has a problem with sexual compulsions. I mean, why a prostitute? Does he have a history of sexual indiscretions or pornography usage? I would want to get to the bottom of that.

Take care of yourself and listen to your inner voice. It will tell you what steps to take so healing and safety can be restored to you.

Also, remember than no one on earth is immune from difficult, heart wrenching experience. God doesn't always take us out of our pain even though we think He should or we know we aren't strong enough to handle it. He trusts us. He knows us. He knows you and he knows your pains and wounds. Let Him into this situation. Trust His dictates. Trust that in time you will understand and see more than you understand and see right now.

Blessings and comfort. You aren't alone. Others have been down similar roads and can even thank God for the experience.

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thank you soo much for ur advise . i have been trying to talk to someone other then my H.. abou this but its dificult.. yes he has a porn addiction -- i was not awear of how serious this was . he didnt tell me .. i have a meeting with our bishop this week and i will ask for his guideds as well.... ur rigt about not knowing why im being told to stay.. im confussed .. and hurt .. but im hopeing that one day we can move pass this and it would of have been worth the struggle

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Ya know Noche, you may have that wonderful capacity to forgive, but you will never forget such a horrendous betrayal as this. It could be somewhat understandable if your husband had met another woman, felt he had fallen in love, and strayed. But a PRO !!!??? That's just a deep stab in the back Noche. Of course I don't have insight into your "love" for him----it sounds as if he has little for you----but you ought to walk away from this traitorous creep He's violated your trust, he's going to get EX'd. You can handle all this???? So sorry Noche. Good luck to you.

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Ya know Noche, you may have that wonderful capacity to forgive, but you will never forget such a horrendous betrayal as this. It could be somewhat understandable if your husband had met another woman, felt he had fallen in love, and strayed. But a PRO !!!??? That's just a deep stab in the back Noche. Of course I don't have insight into your "love" for him----it sounds as if he has little for you----but you ought to walk away from this traitorous creep He's violated your trust, he's going to get EX'd. You can handle all this???? So sorry Noche. Good luck to you.

Un.freaking.believable.

Elphaba

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yes he has a porn addiction -- i was not awear of how serious this was . he didnt tell me .

.

Well, I am glad you know the truth about this and I kinda figured. Going to a prostitute feels so random for an LDS guy. It would seem more logical to me that it were an escalation of a bigger problem than just a guy who is unhappy in his marriage. The revelation of all his activities is horrific, there is no doubt, but it can actually help your healing because you can understand that his behaviors had nothing to do with you. He may, in his addictive thinking, use your weaknesses to justify his behaviors but don't let that be the truth in your thinking. Just let that show you how the addict manipulates situations to justify the sexual behaviors.

i have a meeting with our bishop this week and i will ask for his guideds as well....

This is good. Just remember bishops aren't therapists or PA specialists. Listen to the counsel but all factor in your personal revelations. I hope your husband is seeking counsel as well.

By the way, did your husband suggest divorce because he was certain he was unfixable and he wanted to set you free? If his thinking is something like this then I would hope that would comfort you a bit. That is different than a full rejection of you as a person. The addict experiences so much intense shame after they act out. For a religious person the emotions are even worse. So he may be reacting instead of really speaking from his real desires. I mean what mormon guy wants to be the one who hurts his wife so badly?

ur rigt about not knowing why im being told to stay.. im confussed .. and hurt .. but im hopeing that one day we can move pass this and it would of have been worth the struggle

Not knowing why is frustrating, isn't it? It's like your heart is so damaged and the relationship so dangerous. Why wouldn't God love you enough to take you out of it and protect you from it? In my situation, I have learned slowly that God does protect but he allows the situation to teach both marriage partners important lessons. There are times when I have felt like the sacrificial lamb......part of a circumstance to save my husband. But then the revelations come that humble me and show me that God was saving me too.

Trust. You can't trust your husband right now and you shouldn't. Not until you know you can discern between the addict voice and the real person. BUT, please do trust the Lord and learn to trust yourself. This protects you more than any other thing. And remember that you still can get out of this marriage if you need to. God said stay, but maybe he will revise that answer with time and after you see how and if your H will get into recovery.

Set boundaries. It's ok to do so even if some of those boundaries are temporary as they wait to see how things progress. Some of them might be not sleeping with him or not living with him for a time. Maybe its that he sleeps on the couch and isn't in the room while you dress. These are only guesses for what might work with you. Listen to your inner voice and honor what bubbles up. And don't apologize for them and don't worry if it causes your H distress. It's time for him to deal with consequences. Allowing him to deal, even when he is squealing and struggling, is the kindest position you can take. Solving his problems for him, the worst.

Blessings my dear. Take care.

Edited by Misshalfway
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Un.freaking.believable.

Elphaba

Ahhh, the abominable Elphaba at it again ! "Un.freakin.believable". Now that's an observation to take note of ! The subtle, thoughtful ruminations of the pseudo-intellectual, atheist mind. Looks like she's 80, talks like she's 14. C'mon Elphaba, stun us with some meaningful inspiration.

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Ahhh, the abominable Elphaba at it again ! "Un.freakin.believable". Now that's an observation to take note of ! The subtle, thoughtful ruminations of the pseudo-intellectual, atheist mind. Looks like she's 80, talks like she's 14. C'mon Elphaba, stun us with some meaningful inspiration.

On behalf of the OP, I would ask you guys take this to PM's. Let's remember who this thread is for in the first place.

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i know it might seem crazy to some that i would be willing to stay. but i am looking at the whole picture if my eternal marraige can be saved then yes i am willing to work with my H and help him thru this .. the idea of him getting exco- has crossed my mind and i would have to deside if i need to leave him if it comes to that..

he says that he dose not ever want to do such a thing again not just to me but the betrail of god - i belive him - i think he really is sorry for what he did he is ashamed and discusted with him self -- he says he dosent want to make a desicion to get a divorce or to stay to gether till he has a meeting with the bishop ( he has alredy had one but now he has to go judgement ) i guess - yes he says he dosent feel as he deserves me and that i dont deserve to go thru this pain or the embarrasment of what he did ( he says that a divorce would be to set me free and not cause me anymore pain ) -- i think he is confused and affraid of how hard it will be to fix things ... i feel the same way .. but i have the holy gosht to guide me -- he dosent --- but yes at the end of the day i have to trust god that he will help and guide me and i will b ok with or with out my H --- and yes it is ez er said then done --

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misshalfway -- thank you u have truely helpd me understand and even think a lil bit clear -- my problem is i like to fix everything right there and then... i have no patience and - this is teaching me to listen and to wait ........ to listen and to wait .......... it's hard but i have no choice ...... i dont want to make choices out of pain or anger

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misshalfway -- thank you u have truely helpd me understand and even think a lil bit clear -- my problem is i like to fix everything right there and then... i have no patience and - this is teaching me to listen and to wait ........ to listen and to wait .......... it's hard but i have no choice ...... i dont want to make choices out of pain or anger

That's how I was too. Heck! That's how I still am sometimes. LOL. But listening and waiting is good. It's a gift to you too. Takes the pressure off and sets you free from all the solving and fixing. It also forces the addict to start thinking of solutions other than using or running away.;)

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yes i agree- now that everythong is out in the open , he and i can talk like we have never talked before- - its weird but in a way its good - when i see him i dont feel anger - i just feel pain - when we talk i listen and i ask questions -- i understand where he is coming from - dont get me wrong in no way i m ok with this or im makeing excuses for him - we were happy and then we had communications problems that lead to lack of intimacy - but that is no excuse for what he did... at the end of the day he had the choice to make a good decicion or a bad one - not me i did not make him do this . i understand that . and he takes full resposability .. now all is left is to wait ------ and see what the bishop councel will tell him..

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I love that you can talk with him. I love that you are allowing the reality of the emotional consequences to be there inside the circumstances too. That is healthy and balanced and honest and its certainly time for your H to stop living in the shadows. Telling the truth and addressing the consequences is the first emancipating step. And you don't have to beat the man with a stick in order to hand the responsibility to him. Don't apologize for dealing with the problem in kindness and patience. I will say though, that it would be absolutely normal for you to feel anger at some time. Allow yourself to feel it when its time and don't feel guilty. Its part of the mourning/healing process and frankly you have every right to feel angry and your H needs to learn how to allow you your emotions without retreating into self pity/punishment or reacting with resentments and selfishness. Showing him the truth about your emotions is an opportunity for him to learn to deal with imbalanced emotions in better ways.

You know, these sexual addictions are really emotional problems. They call them intimacy disorders. So sex is definitely part of the problem but not really the source of it. Sex is just how the problem manifests itself. Its a comfort seeking cycle. Unpleasant experience leads to imbalanced emotions which leads to a profound need for comfort which leads to the sexual desire which seduces one into indulgence. The comfort seeking is very hard to stop and even his most profound sorrow won't curb it. Plan on dealing with the difficulty of that struggle. Both of you need to understand it so that you can know what to expect and know what to do when it shows its ugly head again.

I hope that both of you are able to see that healing will be more than just curbing the sexual compulsions or repenting from the infidelity with the bishop. Many men confess to the bishop multiple times and wonder why the behavior returns after a period of months or years even. And the reason is that they aren't really addressing the core issues or learning proper ways of dealing with life/stress/emotions/relationships.

Many bishops fail to understand this problem fully. It seems the church is doing a much better job educating its leaders on this but there is still misunderstanding among some of our best. So take the counsel you are given but seek professional help as well. Your husband needs to get into a recovery program or he will relapse again inspite of his best intensions and efforts. And if you are going to stay in this marriage, you need to arm yourself with the best sorts of education. Knowledge is power. God will use the knowledge you gain to help guide you from moment to moment. The more you work, the more you will feel the influence of God in the process.

The bishop may not suggest therapy or require it as part of the repentance process. And the addict will resist getting the help either at first or after the therapy gets uncomfortable or difficult. If I were you I would demand it as one of my boundaries/conditions for reconciliation and then I would absolutely stand by those conditions without any weakening on your part. Addicts need these boundaries and I am convinced that God empowers the wives of PA's to perform this important role. Doing it blesses the internal workings of both people and brings the best outcomes. Babying, or caretaking or excusing or overreacting........none of these behaviors work. Addictions manipulate people and situations ruthlessly. Boundaries are the best way to counter it.

Edited by Misshalfway
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Ya know Noche, you may have that wonderful capacity to forgive, but you will never forget such a horrendous betrayal as this. It could be somewhat understandable if your husband had met another woman, felt he had fallen in love, and strayed. But a PRO !!!??? That's just a deep stab in the back Noche. Of course I don't have insight into your "love" for him----it sounds as if he has little for you----but you ought to walk away from this traitorous creep He's violated your trust, he's going to get EX'd. You can handle all this???? So sorry Noche. Good luck to you.

Did not Christ even say "Let those without sin cast the first stone?" It sounds to me like the OP has quite a bit of strength and is probably able to handle quite a bit.

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but you ought to walk away from this traitorous creep He's violated your trust

Maybe she should walk away. That is certainly a viable option. It may come to that anyway. But I am not convinced leaving the marriage would heal anything. Divorce in and of itself is not a healing agent and can actually send out ripples of just as much devistation. I mean, I actually see hasty divorce as something that takes the healing control out of God's hands as it substitutes its meager offerings in the place of what God could do if given the time and space. The kind of divorce suggested here is a tit for tat kind of maverick justice. You hurt me.....I'll hurt you. Who heals when they become the kind of person that hurt them?

And I am not sure I believe this man is a traitorous creep. He might be. He may act like one when his addiction is in control. But maybe he is good man who lost his way. Someone whose good can be recovered and changed by the healing miracle of Jesus Christ. Something that can heal and change the very landscape of devistation to thriving peace and plenty.

Divorce is an important last resort. I don't want to diminish the significance of this sometimes important blessing. But I do think that it must be exactly that.....a last resort, and something that the person feels is right for them through inspiration. That is clearly not the case here as she feels the Lord direct her to stay.

Edited by Misshalfway
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ok.. this past week has been weird . i went to see my bishop and he said that we should work on our marriedge and that he would have both of us come in and talk.. well when i went home and talked to my H . he was ok with it but them said that the infidelity was not the reason he wanted a divorce . that he was not happy and that he has been unhappyt for 2 years , now i knew we were haveing problems but he was never that open and never told me excacly how much he was hurting or how unhappy he was .. now we have been talking about divorce because he says that i am not the wife he wants me to be . we have talked about how i can change and be a better wife in the past but he says that i only change for a lil bit and then change again... im confused i love him and im willing to change and be a house wife and all that but .. he did cheated shouldnt he be more open to fixing our relationship.. i feel like im not good enough and like he is only looking for a way out ... but then when i asking if he is sure thats what he wants he says no.... he says he dosent know that he is completly lost and needs some direction. and he hopes to get that from the bishop.. but now the bishop called him and told him that his meeting had to be change and that my H .. will now be meeting with the stake press. insted ??? what does that mean ???? ------ i dont know what to do any more . .... i dont even know what to think its like im just sitting there waiting to see if he wants me or not ... thats not fair ..im angry ....... i wish we would know i mean if he get excommunicated .. i probably will get a divorce .. but if he dosent there might be a chance to save and fix our marridge........ i know to some of u this might sounf patetic . but i do love him i have forgiven him ... he is not a bad person he does however has a por adiction problem and he was weak and satan took advantage and used his weakness and the way he was feeling and dragg him down.... i belive that thru the repenting process he and we can be as happy and as strong in the church as we once were we are good friends and we do love each other - a big part of the problem was my lack of intimacy with him i didnt know that this was his way of feeling loved after last year when we talked i seek help i read the five love languages and that really helped me understand and see how important sex was too him ....... i do take compleate responsabiility fot not giving him love the way he needed it,but to my defennse i didnt know anybetter but that dosent excuse the infedelity and he takes full resposability for it ........ but only god knows and only time will tell...

----------------- just venting ----------------

Edited by noche10
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I wish I knew some magic words to soften the blow or to help with all the confusion. All I can say is that I am sorry you are going through this. These early days are some of the worst. Facing the truth about the addiction is so much more than just dealing with the infidelity but you don't know that at first and its like opening wound after wound.

I may be wrong about any part of the following just because I know so little of the details....but here's my best guess.

If you can, try to stay objective and try to distinguish what parts of his decisions about you are driven by the needs of the addiction and which parts are valid concerns. Remember its comfort seeking behavior and very attached to getting the sexual needs met because that is inseparably tied to the emotional needs right now. When you said that he had been unhappy for a long time and that he needed you to be better, I didn't know exactly what that meant but it felt like a red flag or a common sign of addict attitudes.

But if I am understanding you correctly, it is in the sex department that he sees you lacking. Now, you are right that men do see sex as something that makes them feel loved but when you couple it with the ravenous desires of the addiction its hard to separate what is healthy and what is clear self centered distortions. Don't you find it interesting that he won't allow you to learn? That his impatience is so intense? That is very very typical. I would think it would be very important for a therapist to help your H sort that out. And you need to know that if the addiction is driving his desires then there wouldn't have been anything that you could have done to satisfy him. You could bend yourself into a perfect sex giving barbie and he still would be unsatisfied. No one can live up to the fantasy but he believes the lie that his wife should meet all his sexual needs. If he divorces you, he will find the same unsatifaction with the next girl and the next.

And if it isn't the sex, its is often something else because the addiction needs someone to blame so it can justify itself. Resentment is one of the PA hallmarks. In recovery meetings, I have heard addicts describe how deep emotional resentments are very difficult for them to overcome. Most likely your husband isn't recognizing how the addiction is commanding his thoughts and feelings and still feels justified in taking this position with you. It hurts so badly and I am so sorry. But it helps to be smarter than the addiction because then you can help him see things properly and replace blaming with effective, communicative problem solving with both of you working together to make the marriage a mutually satifying and balanced thing. Addicts are blind though and it will take time for his eyes to open. One thing at a time. One truth at a time.

I am sorry. You hang in there. God will give your strength and clarity so you will know what to do from moment to moment. Have you thought about reading about the addiction yet? Try Rod Jeppson or Harrison. They are LDS authors and they describe this stuff really well. Search on Deseret book.com. Also try a book called "Confronting Pornography" and another for wives called "Lord, I believe. Help thou me with my unbelief". Both are very comforting and empowering for both addicts and wives.

You also might want to join the support group on this site. "Confronting Pornography" is the name in the groups section of the LDS.net. Those gals are going thru similar trials right now.

Edited by Misshalfway
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thank you moring star it will be conforting knowing i didnt just gave up. if it come to that...

well misshalfway as always you give me lots to think about .. i have told him that we need to seek help from a proffesional- for our marrige and for the PA. but he is not sure he wants to just yet . .. again he says he is watitng to see what the repenting prosses will be - excon or disfellowship- he says it dosent matter that he will do whatever it takes ... i wish he had that same feeling for our relationship-- but i am going to be patient and show him support -- once he talks to the president and bishop we can make a decision on out marridge if he chosses to stay i will do whatever it takes but i demand 100% from him - that means all types of thearpy if needed.. if he chosses to leave . well i will seek healp for my self and pray that the lord will help me find a better man who i can share my life with....

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well i dont knw what to think today !! today i feel like divorce is the best thing .. i want to be loved and appriciated and respected enough to not be cheated on . i want to be happy again and i dont want to worry about wheather he will cheat again - or if i do something he dosent like he will get a divorce .. i think i need to take time for my self and really think if this is someting i can live with . the lack of trust the insucurity .. te feeling of walking on egg shells just so he wont want to leave..... i mean i have done nothing wrong i love him and i took care of him and our home the best i could , that was not good enough for him.. i am 28 yrs old . im worried that i wont find a person who will love me and want to marry me ..... but is it worth staying with him .............

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Two resources for you that may help you sort through and identify your feelings, and help you make a sound decision.

1) http://peterfox.com.au/fidelity.html

2) Read the book - Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay In fact, I have scanned the section that deals with infidelity and the personal choice of whether a person can get past it or not. I can send you a link via pm if you wish.

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