Desperate...

[Loving_Wife]

This is my first post. Normally on a new forum I would post an introduction but times are desperate in my house and I need some support, prayer, hope, just about a little bit of everything.

I'm not sure where to start so I'll start here.

My husband and I are a blended family with 7 children. I am a stay at home mom while he is the sole bread winner and income for our family. I am currently homeschooling 3 of our children with A2 which is LDS based.

I was raised non-denominational Christian he was raised Mormon. When we first started dating he was active in his church and took all of the children, mine included, to church.

In the last year we have had 3 family members die but the last one was the hardest for us, personally. My brother-in-law (my sister's husband) committed suicide by cop three months after returning from his 3rd tour in Iraq in 5 years. He did this in the presence of my sister and their three children, all of whom are under the age of 5. The night before he died my sister, him and their children stayed the night at our house. The next day (the day he died) he came to our home, now we realize to say goodbye, and then went to my sister's house and did what he did. We were called to pick up the kids from the crime scene and have struggled with the knowledge that he came to our home first. That we somehow missed the signs that he was depressed and going to comit suicide. Now my sister is "engaged" to a man, who we recently found out she had been having an affair with for the last year and who she left the scene with instead of being with her children. I know it seems that I'm throwing stones. A sin is a sin regardless of what the sin is. I just am having a hard time dealing with all of this. I have sinned and I know I will again in the future and I'm trying really hard not to judge but I am.... and sinning in the process.

My husband is so hurt and in so much pain that I don't know what to do. There is a VERY long and detailed story behind this but for now I'll leave it there. I expect him to lead our home. I expect him to do right by our family and our children by being the religious leader of our home. I expect him to be .... the head of our home. He refuses to go to church. Refuses to take the kids and be that head.

I love him and truely believe we are meant to be. Our relationship was not an accident or a "it just happened." We are meant to spend eternity together.

I have no idea how to help or encourage him. I know that I need to lead by example. To give him faith by showing and showering him in mine but we have different religions. I do not understand or know much about the Mormon religion and am not sure if going to the Bishop is the right answer.

I've heard God will never give you more than you can handle but at this point I am of the firm belief that God has seriously misjudged my ability to handle all that has been handed to me

Edited January 13, 2010 by Loving_Wife
typo's

[WillowTheWhisp]

I know exactly what you mean when you say that you believe God has seriously misjudged your ability to handle all that has been handed to you. I have had times when I've felt like that too.Then I have learned a few things. One thing I learned was that I was misjudging God. He is our Heavenly Father and he loves us - when I put it into the perspective of myself as a parent I can see that not everything that happens to me is down to Heavenly Father any more than everything that happens to my children being down to me.

What he has promised us is that he will not ask us to do anything that we are not capable of doing, just as I would not ask my daughter to do something if I knew she couldn't do it. I use modern 'parables' of my own to illustrate this to the children by saying I wouldn't ask my 15 year old to pilot a plane but I would ask her to ride a bike.

Other things that happen to us in our lives are not things which Heavenly Father gives us but consequences of our actions and choices or the actions and choices of others. These are the things which are often hardest to get through but he does promise that he will not leave us alone.

It is impossible to know what was going through your brother in law's head at the time or what has been going on between him and your sister or why she acted the way she did. It isn't something you can improve by trying to analyse or lay blame or look for "if onlys" I know, I've done far too much of that myself and it took me a while to realise.

If your husband is struggling spiritually and emotionally right now then he won't be able to be strong enough to fulfil the role you expect of him. Your family needs some strong support to help you through this time. Do you have home teachers? Do they know what you've all been going through? In our Relief Society we have 'compassionate service' leaders who would be trying to help you through this time too. They are only human and can't always work miracles but they try.

I'm not clear from what you've written if you are a member of a church or not. You say you believe ou and your husband are meant to be together for eternity and yet you have different religions. According to LDS theology being together for eternity is only possible for people who are sealed by temple marriage. I don't know if your brother in law'sdeath may have had an impact on your husband showing him how he could lose you forever.

I would think t's an excellent idea to talk to your husband's bishop but not with a "how can I make him be the family leader I want hm to be?" but more "how can I help him to help us both get through this tough time?"

Heavenly Father doesn't give us these consequences but what he does do is promise to help us get through them if we trust him and do as he asks.

I'm not sure if any of that is any help to you. I would give you a hug if you were here.

[FairChild]

I had a sister-in-law with mental problems. I went with her to her psychiatrist during a visit one day. He had been working with Emma for a long time. He said that she doing the best he had ever seen her be. Just a few hours later, she took a handgun out of her purse, aimed it to her temple and shot herself. She survived, but had many physical problems after-wards. Now if a trained professional that had worked with someone over a period of years could miss something, then why should you have the skills or ability to pick it up? You need to realize he chose what he chose (free agency) because he was in a great deal of pain and all he was trying to do was change his circumstances to remove pain. I don't believe he was trying to hurt anyone else nor chances are, he really didn't want to die, but stop the pain.

As for how you feel about your sister's choices, right or wrong, they are hers to make. The best you can do is be an example to her and her children. Please let the little ones into your loving home as frequently as you can.

As for your husband, it sounds as if he need a very good health check up and possibly some antidepressants. Sometimes, when you are sharing another's burden you have to be the stronger one for awhile until they can catch up again. It might be good to make an appointment with the Bishop as well as the missionaries. Have as many positive people around you as you possibly can.

You have lots of prayers and support here.

I believe you are doing the right thing, wanting to strengthen your family and make everyone as healthy as possible (emotionally and mentally)

FC

[WmLee]

I want to say “ditto” to what FairChild wrote. He is so right. Even the “trained” professionals can miss clues.

Sometimes my wife has had to pick up my pieces and carry the ball for a while. There have been times when I have been hit with something more than what I thought I could handle. During that time she stepped up to the plate and took care of things. She gave me some time and then reminded me that I have a family and responsibilities that are greater than my ‘pity party’ and I needed to be the dad again.

Give him some time; he has a lot on his mind. Encourage him to talk to someone, at least his bishop. The church has a publication, the exact title I am not sure of, but it is about suicide. You can check online at lds.org. Perhaps something along that line could be a tool for you or answers for your husband.

[SGT_C]

I am not a church member, but I am a soldier currently in Iraq, I think i can shed some light on why people can very easily miss clues that something is amiss in a soldier's life.

The Military "says" that if you are having problems, you should seek counselling, talk to a chaplain, etc. But the truth of the matter is, The soldier will be shunned by his peers and chain of command for doing so. Many soldiers who do seek help often wind up pulled from deployments and feel as though they let thier "battle-buddies" down. This is not always the case, there are good leaders and bad. But it is far more common than one might think.

The effect that this has is it teaches soldiers how to bottle things up, to hide them, and to hide them very very well. So well in fact that many people close to the soldier will not even have a clue that something is wrong.

Dont knock yourself for missing the clues, he has very likely had alot of practice at hiding his feelings and pain.

I hope things work out for you and your family.

[MollyMuses]

Your brother-in-law died less than two months ago. Your husband is probably still grieving and needs time to heal. If he has trouble resolving his grief issues after a reasonable amount of time, then speaking to a grief counselor could help. In the meantime, your love and understanding will go a long way. Losing your brother-in-law like that would do anybody a world of hurt. I disagree with the suggestion above that he should be taking antidepressants. That is not something people just move past in a couple of weeks, and what he is going through may be perfectly reasonable. Drugging himself up will not automatically help him.

It couldn't hurt to talk to his Bishop if he has a good relationship with him and this particular Bishop is the right person to speak to. However, I have noticed that Mormons can blend the line between spiritual counselor and psychological counselor. Bishops are often asked to give counsel on matters that they do not have any training for. If your husband needs help with his grieving process, there are grief counselors out there who are specifically educated to help with this sort of problem.

I completely agree with what FairChild said about your sister's actions. Your sister's children need to see that their aunt is focusing on loving them and helping them heal from this horrible event. I don't see how it could help to prioritize her messy relationship choices over their healing process.

[Loving_Wife]

Thanks for the responses.

I know that no marriage is 50-50. I know that there are times when the wife must lead her house due to "life" and things happening out of our control.

I am not Mormon, my husband is. It's difficult at best to lead the children in a religion that I know very little about. It feels like the blind leading the blind around here sometimes! The last time my husband went to church was the day my brother-in-law died. We spent the next week with my neice and nephews, taking care of them, giving them as "normal" of a life as we could given what had happened. Getting through the memorial service was a nightmare as many of my brother-in-laws family blame my sister for John's death. Then getting through the military funeral. We moved into a new house, an hour from where we were living 2 weeks after John died.

As I said in my first post there is more to this than just John dying or how he died. Over the last year we have had three family members die. The first was my Unlce who left behind three children, who are all in their twenties. Then my cousin died in her sleep of a heart attack. She left behind three children all under the age of 8. Her oldest daughter found her. Then John who left behind three children all under the age of 5.

The night John died my sister called us to come to her (not going into details) and we dropped everything to go to her and the children. On the way we got a phone call from our house saying our 16-year-old daughter had choosen that moment to rebell against her father and our home. The police were called to our home, while we were an hour away going to my sisters. We asked my husbands parents to pick up the 16-year-old while we where at the crime scene. When we got to the scene we had to fight the media to get the kids out of the area without them being on filmed for the local T.V. stations! We then spent the next week, while we had the kids, with no T.V. due to the media coverage of John's death and not wanting the children to see or hear anything. It was very stressful. It wasn't having the T.V. off that was stressful but the knowledge that people would and could say things that my niece could overhear. In fact when we were leaving the scene with the kids we stopped at the local gas station and the clerks were saying "some crazy guy tried to kill his girlfriend." I turned, thankfully my niece did not hear them, and got back in the car. Those kids left the scene, without jackets and no shoes. It was 30 degrees outside!!! We also had to be interviewed due to John being at our house 30 minutes before he went to my sisters house.

So to recap in the last year or so we have had nine children left without a parent. Six of those children are under the age of eight. We have moved, we had a daughter rebell against her father and his house. In order to get her back we had to get the police and CPS involved. My husbands parents had the 16-year-old and refused to have her come back home. Which made the situation even worse. My husbands sisters no longer talk to him because of what happened with the 16-year-old. My step-childrens bio-mother is dying and my husband and I made the choice to have her move into our garage apartment so that she could be closer to the children, which has it's own stresses.

In closing I believe that J dying was the straw that broke the camels back so to speak. It's hard to have faith when you are constantly under attack and that is certianly how it feels!

Edited January 13, 2010 by Loving_Wife
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[JudoMinja]

I don't know what to tell you about all the weight on your shoulders except that no matter how much it seems like you can't handle it, you can. With the Lord's help, you can. And remember, the Lord's help comes in all shapes and sizes. Reach out to those around you like you have to us on this forum. Ask them for help wherever it can be given, wherever you need it.

As far as your husband- everyone grieves in their own way. But yes, his grieving should not become destructive. If he is closing himself off too much, you need to get him out and about. Some people need a little tough love like WmLee mentioned. I can't say exactly what your husband needs or how he would respond, but it sounds like he definitely needs SOMETHING to give him more of a push. You can try telling him to snap out of his pity-party if you think that will help him. You can try more covert methods, like inviting people from the ward over to help with things around the house when he's home to give him some "forced" interaction. And of course theres always the counseling option. Just keep trying, keep pushing, keep believing in him. And don't forget to reach out for help for yourself too- you're grieving too! :)

[Elphaba]

You can try telling him to snap out of his pity-party if you think that will help him.

I hardly think what he is going through is a pity party. It sounds like his life has been one severe trauma after another recently, and that it's broken him, hopefully temporarily. I think a lot of people would react the way he is, and it's not because they just sit there feeling sorry for themselves.

Elphaba

[JudoMinja]

Elphaba- I understand that, and I'm sorry if my post suggested otherwise. I simply meant that if he is isolating himself to a point that it is becoming destructive and giving him time hasn't been working, he might need a little tough love.

[WillowTheWhisp]

If he's suffering from depression as a result of all that has happened, and it sounds like he may well be, telling him to snap out of it could be counter productive. It isn't possible to just snap out of it or pull yourself together from what is actually a clinical illness and he could end up feeling guilty for not being able to, especially if others around him seem to be coping and he isn't. He may already be feeling guilty because of that. It can turn into a destructive downward spiral. I know when I was suffering from depression (several deaths of close friends and family, house move, lost job, lost baby, husband seriously ill) and at one point I didn't even know how to have a conversation with someone, (It was as if part of me had just decided to shut down.) a well meaning friend gave me a tape entitled "Bounce Back" and I felt even worse wracked with guilt because the prospect of bouncing at all seemed totally impossible to me.

[Loving_Wife]

I'm going to call the ward we are in here at the new house. We moved from Utah a year ago, moved in with his parents, then just recently moved to the house we are in now.

Things have reached a crisis point. He got drunk (yes I know wrong) and started a bonfire (we live in a very rural area) and burned his bible, book of mormon and these beautiful children books that were LDS. I want to say these books were bought for my husband when he was a child and they were stunning. I had no idea what he was up to. I woke up to him sobbing, sitting on the bed. Thank God all of the children were asleep and did not wake up.

I have been feeling for a long time that our family was under attack, spirtually, and I am even more convinced that we are.

Please pray for us. Pray that I will have the wisdom to do the right thing. To be what he needs, what the kids need and not fall apart. Of course pray for him to. He is such an awesome man, husband, father and leader of our home. This is NOT my husband who did these behaviors tonight or the behaviors over the last month or so.

I'm off with some trash bags, the dog (because it's 1:30am here and we are in the country with wild animals) and a shovel to clean up the mess before the kids see it.

Edited January 12, 2010 by Loving_Wife
typo's

[WillowTheWhisp]

It sounds like he is showing rebellion as anger at God for all that has happened. I hope the Bishop will be able to offer you help and advice.

[Loving_Wife]

He's had a few problems with his past Bishop so we'll see what happens. I don't know if I can get him to meet with the new Bishop but I did look up the ward information.

I can't seem to get my mind to be quiet. I haven't slept yet. As soon as I get the youngest off to school I'm going to take a mini-nap and then try and talk to Michael and see what, if anything, I can do.

Perhaps I can have the home teachers come to the house. I know that the missionary's will not come to the house unless a Priesthood holder is home, or at least that is what I was lead to believe. Michael works 12 hour days and even if he wont meet with the Bishop or the home teachers I know he would not tell me I couldn't or that the kids couldn't.

Edited January 12, 2010 by Loving_Wife
typo's

[lydlou]

Oh my, I seem to be reading your posts in backwards order. Hugs for your whole family darling. hugs and prayres of course. As one who has suffered from depression I say the book burring is a major red flag. he needs to see a shrink right now. if hes still functioning apropriotly at work an outpatient program might be okay, but personaly i was helped best by my stay at a shorterm facility.

as for church, if your husbands not taking the kids, and you want them to go either you need to take them yourself, or have one of the older 2 doing the driving.

pray for strenght everday about your persanal issue thats keeping yout from church. every hour even if thats whats needed.

I am praying for you and your husband, and sister and all the children.

Hugs for all.

[Super_Kitten]

Perhaps I can have the home teachers come to the house. I know that the missionary's will not come to the house unless a Priesthood holder is home, or at least that is what I was lead to believe. Michael works 12 hour days and even if he wont meet with the Bishop or the home teachers I know he would not tell me I couldn't or that the kids couldn't.

A Priesthood holder does not need to be present, but you cannot be alone for the male missionaries to come visit you. If you have sister missionaries or a pair of missionaries that are a married couple in your ward they can come visit. I don't know if having your children with you would be enough for the Elder missionaries but asking them couldn't hurt.

[WillowTheWhisp]

It can be any adult male present.

[gwoods]

my name is gordon. i hope you will read the information below it may help you understand your husband.

Is it good to be alone?

It seems that everyone, given the choice, wants companionship. In fact, the question posed by the title of this chapter brings to the heart of those that have given it sufficient thought, a dread ranking second to few other fears. In the arena of normal relationships being without a spouse is akin to the loneliness of solitary confinement. President Gordon B. Hinckley speaking of the doctrine of eternal marriage, the only permanent antidote for being alone, said: “I think that if we had the capacity to teach effectively this one doctrine, it would capture the interest of millions of husbands and wives who love one another and who love their children, but whose marriage is in effect only "until death do you part."

Marriage is universal, except in rare cases everyone marries. Most of us have no desire to be alone; we are not content except as a couple. Marriage is all-important and yet every wedding ceremony includes the statement: “until death do you part”? What does this termination clause mean and how did it become part of these legal contracts? Surely those that “love one another” will still be married after death?

Questions like these reflect the uneasiness of this great Christian mystery: why did God, in Genesis 2, declare; “It is not good that the man should be alone;” and then, during His mortal ministry, teach that men and women will not be married after the resurrection? For all that profess to be Christian, the following verses, from the bible, must be accepted as the Lord’s law regarding marriage.

Matt. 22:29 Jesus answered and said unto them, Ye do err, not knowing the scriptures, nor the power of God. 30 For in the resurrection they neither marry, nor are given in marriage, but are as the angels of God in heaven.

Mark 12:25 For when they shall rise from the dead, they neither marry, nor are given in marriage; but are as the angels which are in heaven.

Luke 20:34 And Jesus answering said unto them, The children of this world marry, and are given in marriage: 35 But they which shall be accounted worthy to obtain that world, and the resurrection from the dead, neither marry, nor are given in marriage:

When asked, “whose wife shall she be”, the Savior’s answer was that after the resurrection she wouldn’t be married to anyone. His answer, recorded three times in the New Testament, instituted what eventually became the termination cause, “until death do you part,” in marriage ceremonies.

There are some that “err, not knowing the scriptures,” who take it upon themselves to create a God, of their own design. They say, “God won’t separate my family because we love each other,” they are satisfied that marriage by earthly authority, in spite of these verses, will be recognized by the Lord. They are convinced that a loving God would never separate married couples that love each other.

Take a few minutes and ponder each of these questions:

o Have you ever felt concern about being alone forever?

From childhood, visions of future options revolved around one constant; marriage, plans fail, goals change but the intent to marry was never permanently cancelled. Marriage is never intended to be temporary, but even following the unhappiness of a divorce it once again finds its way back to the top of our priority list. In the book of Matthew we read: “Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh;” only in marriage do we find that sense of being complete. All are born and grow to adulthood feeling that until they’re married they’re not quite whole.

o Do thoughts about your own future hinge on the dread of being alone?

In spite of the hard work, the challenges, and the occasional disappointments associated, even with good marriages, men and women devote their whole life to preserving these covenant relationships.

o Do these New Testament scriptures make being alone forever inevitable?

We all know older couples that, as they approach the end of their lives together, cling to each other for dear life. Because of their love for one another and the dread of being alone, they willingly expend all their combined resources to delay the inevitable separation.

o In the light of these questions, do you fear anything more than being alone …forever?

As members of the Lord’s church we often speak of going back to Heavenly Father’s presence. We talk and teach and think eternal marriage but we seldom even consider being eternally alone. We really have no way of knowing anything about living in the presence of exalted beings, nor do we have, even in the scriptures, a description of what a celestial world will look like but we all know from experience, what being alone feels like. It’s a terrible empty feeling that gets worse the longer it lasts.

These questions, included to provoke thought, when given sincere attention make one shudder at the very thought of the weeping inherent in being alone forever. They bring to mind this sobering realization: either my marriage is forever or it isn’t. Fortunately for mankind Jesus Christ redeemed us not only from death but also from the hell of being “alone”.

Along side the Lord’s law governing civil marriage, stands the biblical key to the doctrine of eternal marriage. Six days before the Savior took Peter, James, and John into a high mountain apart "and was transfigured before them” He promised Peter: “I will give unto thee the keys of the kingdom of heaven: and whatsoever thou shalt bind on earth shall be bound in heaven: and whatsoever thou shalt loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven”. Keys to bind; modern inspiration tells us that the keys of Melchizedek Priesthood ordinances were given to Peter, James, and John under the administration of the Savior, Moses, and Elias.

Even those that claim the authority held anciently by Saint Peter don’t profess possession of the power to perform marriages that will be valid beyond this mortal life. More questions: if marriage covenants are binding after death why then did Jesus teach that they weren’t, why is there a termination statement in all-wedding ceremonies, and why did the Lord deem it necessary to bestow the authority to “bind …in heaven”, upon His apostles? If the Lord truly values families and patriarchal lineage, which is really the theme of the Bible, then wouldn’t He, in spite of His New Testament teachings, provide a means to “bind” families together forever. Is there any way for our marriages here to be, “bound in heaven”? The answer is yes; the Savior was speaking of the power to “bind” in this life for the life to come. The authority to “bind on earth” is the priesthood authority given to the Mortal Messiah’s chief apostles to seal couples and their children together “in heaven.”

But, what of those that won’t believe the words spoken by the Lord, are they to be separated forever at death? The thought of marriages being dissolved seems harsh and unloving until we understand that the Lord in his love for mankind, by the power of the atonement, has restored the priesthood authority to, if accepted, seal husbands and wives together forever. Eternal marriage is an essential part of the Lord’s plan of salvation.

For the countless ages of our pre-mortal existence we were all separate single individuals. As we prepared for our mortal sojourn here on earth we must have anxiously looked forward to possessing this body and to the countless sensations associated with a physical existence. I submit that more than anything else we anticipated that great day when we could finally become a couple; when we would be flesh, not “twain, but one flesh.” We lived for millennia in the presence of our Heavenly father and other glorified beings of flesh and bone; we witnessed first hand an exalted existence and yearned to experience the “fullness of joy” we saw in their lives, and because we brought these pre-mortal longings with us; we came to earth, literally wired to be a couple. I would further submit that when we leave this life our desire for companionship will not only go with us, but because of our mortal experiences, it will now be stamped into our very being.

We came to earth with the promise that, if accepted, the Lord’s plan would allow us to return to his presence and spend eternity sealed to someone we love. The plan has never been to dissolve marriages between couples that love each other. From before time He has provided the means, in his Kingdom, for marriages to be eternal. However, if by choice, the plan with its associated covenants is rejected our fate is to return to the single separate pre-mortal condition we came from; in the mortal Christ’s own words: “they neither marry, nor are given in marriage”. He was speaking of anyone that has been married, in this earthly kingdom, by earthly authority only. The scriptures are clear that this “being alone” will be forever.

Modern scripture provides true doctrine about the consequences of marriages performed by earthly authority only. Note the correlation with the New Testament scriptures: ”therefore, if a man marry him a wife in the world, and he marry her not by me nor by my word, and he covenant with her so long as he is in the world and she with him, their covenant and marriage are not of force when they are dead… 16 Therefore, when they are out of the world they neither marry nor are given in marriage; but are appointed angels… 17 For these angels did not abide my law; therefore, they cannot be enlarged, but remain separately and singly, without exaltation… Joseph Fielding Smith interprets ancient and modern scripture, regarding marriage performed by earthly authority, with this warning: Unless young people who marry outside the temple speedily repent, they cut themselves off from exaltation in the celestial kingdom of God… …When they marry outside of the temple, they cut themselves off. If they are content with that kind of marriage outside, when they come forth in the resurrection, they have no claim upon each other, or their children upon them, and there will be weeping, wailing and gnashing of teeth. The Lord further decreed: "Except ye abide my law ye cannot attain to this glory"

Love for my wife, Christine, and my desire to spend eternity with her keeps the future in an eternal perspective. I think we could easily, in the verse, “it is not good that the man should be alone,” replace the words “not good” with the word, dreadful. I hope this dread, of a future without the love of my life, is part of the broken heart the Lord requires of me. Along with the prospect of being forever “alone” comes, sober contrition and an urgency to “do what ever it takes” to avoid it.

The Savior established Priesthood authority anciently and it has now been restored again to the earth. One of its purposes is to seal husbands and wives together forever. Like mankind in all previous dispensations, we are given choices. The choices are: a “fullness of joy” or to be “alone” forever, great care must be taken as these choices have eternal consequences.

So, is it good to be alone, forever? The answer, from an eternal perspective, is no. Can this being alone be avoided, forever? The answer, from an eternal perspective, is yes.

please understand that we are here to marry and to make that marriage eternal.

[Loving_Wife]

I asked my husband about calling the ward because I felt that was what I needed to do. I did not ask permission but I was .... I know it makes no sense.

He told me to get the information and he would call. So far, to my knowledge he has not called. I'm going to talk to him tonight about it. The kids miss church and it's time he either takes them or let's me make arrangements for someone to pick them up and take them to church.

We only have one car and my older children do not drive for those that asked about the older kids taking the younger to church.

As far as my personal issues they are very personal. I have a hard time trusting, so called "church leaders" due to my past experiences. Yes I know that should not be a reason, even church leaders are human and all the other reasons people give about going to church. All I can say to that is until you have been deeply betrayed by a church leader that you trusted you will never understand.

[Vanhin]

Perhaps I can have the home teachers come to the house. I know that the missionary's will not come to the house unless a Priesthood holder is home, or at least that is what I was lead to believe. Michael works 12 hour days and even if he wont meet with the Bishop or the home teachers I know he would not tell me I couldn't or that the kids couldn't.

I think inviting the Home Teachers over is a good thing to do. You might be surprised at the help they can be in various situations. I know it may seem strange to say this, but your husband and his family are a part of their stewardship, unlike with the missionaries. I pray they are good home teachers and respond, because they will have the Lord's help when they are on his errand. They might also have other ideas about how to proceed, and can help the Bishop know indirectly about the situation.

You can ask them to give you a blessing too, if you feel like that will help.

Regards,

Vanhin

[Elgama]

Judo-Ninja is right we don't know your husband if a kick up the backside is what will help him do it, my husband cycled into a very deep nasty depression after a really bad time, and only thing that started him climbing out was me getting tough with him. But it depends on the person. How would you feel about asking him for a blessing to cope? I am assuming he is a Melcheizdek Priesthood holder, sounds like you and your children could do with them. And he could use one too.

Are you religious at all you don't need to go to church, you can still bring the spirit into your home, you can have FHE on a Monday, just do something you enjoy together board games, popcorn and a movie, I don't know if you pray at all but the children could help you do family prayer, scripture reading. Maybe consider music you listen too etc You can just read the Bible with him.

What you have been through is awful, the trauma of going to war is difficult on many families, I grew up aroound WW veterans and now live near two major airbases, it can have a devestating effect even on people you think can cope. My Father in Law loved the air force, but many years on still had nightmares relating to Korea and Vietnam.

I hope you can find you way through this, but I think let him know whilst you expect your family to work through things, your willing to accept right now he is finding things difficult and lower what you expect of him.

Do you have Home Teachers?

[Elgama]

just found the second page sorry my computer is struggling tonight, the burning of the Books maybe a major problem or it could be his way of grieving, I know my Gran burned my Grandad's journals (he had kept them everyday for over 60 years), and it can be away of just acting out the way you feel. But is clearly angry at God, ask him how he feels about using his priesthood, and if he would give you and the childrne a blessing, when my husband was depressed, angry etc I found reminding him of his priesthood was important. He may not be willing to do it, if not you can ask the Home Teachers for a blessing of comfort and direction (you don't have to be LDS to receive one), it will help you

[Loving_Wife]

I know that burning the child books where a rebellionand a way of expression his anger and hurt against his parents for their actions when it came to the 16-year-old.

The bible and book of mormon... I think he is angry at God, he's angry about all of the tramua's we, as a family, have faced this year.

We do family night every Friday night. We have a pinic on the floor in the living and watch a movie or play games. When the weather is nicer we have have family day. We go to the river, just our family, and hike, have a campfire and spend the entire day at the river. We have to help the step-kids bio-mom with planning some actives that she can do with the kids and that is stressful on him but we do because it is important for the kids.

His work schedule has changed and he is no longer home for dinner but our rules for dinner are that each child takes turns saying a blessing and then everyone gets a turn telling about their day. Everyone comments on each others days and what was good about it.

I have no idea who the home teachers are or even if we have one. We moved to this house two months ago. I just recently found out what ward we are in.

I have no idea what type of Priesthood holder he is. I know he used to teach ... something to do with the Elders but really I have no idea. Never asked. I know he baptized his children when the time came but I don't think he's ever been in the temple and I know he was never sealed to his ex-wife or his children.

*ETA*

I texted and asked him and he is said he is Aaronic ... have no idea what that means!

Edited January 13, 2010 by Loving_Wife
type of Priesthood

[Elgama]

ok he can only give a blessing if he holds the Melchizedek Priesthood, its a little odd he doesn't but sure its right he has the Aaronic if thats what he says. Not sure what else to advise except be there for him sounds like he is working through his grief

[Vanhin]

Loving_Wife,

Call the bishop, and find out who your home teachers are. You may not actually have any yet, since they may not be aware that you moved into the area. I think that is a good place to start. The meeting house locator will show you the name of the bishop and the phone number, if you don't already have that.

LDS Maps

I really think you should try that.

Sincerely,

Vanhin