Why am I feeling this way?

[SeekYourWish]

I have a feeling this may turn into a bunch of babbling that is probably not worth reading you can stop now if you wish to.

Basically for the 2nd time my sister has gotten pregnant(out of wed lock) The first time the entire family was extremely supportive, and there was a lot of secrets kept from people so that it wouldn't spread type of deal. I was younger and more immature than I didn't fully understand things. I don't understand why I am feeling stress about this and I'm feeling horrible for the things I'm thinking about my sister. I'm not sure what I'm looking for to be said, but if anyone has any ideas of how I can change how I'm thinking or to not feel stressed about this new challenge to my families life. I welcome them with open arms.

Hopefully that made sense =x Thank you in advance.

[Nikkie85]

Even though you don't support you sisters decision to become pregnant before marriage you should support her and the new baby. It is hard to be supportive when you are upset about the situation that someone put themselves in. Treat your sister the way you would want to be treated in her situation. Did she decided to keep the baby or did she place it for adoption? Just wondering because you said that your family did not tell many people.

[dazed-and-confused]

there are so many psychological issues going on here......the pathology of your sister...the pathology of you family......and, of course, your own pathology.

pathology is NOT a bad word....it refers to how we think and deal with situations.

it seems that your family keeps secrets.....from the world, from each other?

please, DON"T MISUNDERSTAND.....this is not a critisism....just an observation fron the limited info you gave so far.

and please, don't misunderstand this either, but the fact is, you may need to look more closely at yourself to find some answers, and to HF for SPIRITUAL guidance, which can transcend "worldly, psychological" guidance/ experience.

[JessicaHarper]

I have never personally dealt with this situation, but I can imagine how you feel. At this point, what's done is done. Your sister is pregnant. I would say that you should focus on supporting and encouraging your sister and the new baby. That does not mean that you support a sinful lifestyle. Support and encourage her in ways that encourage her to be a good mother, to live the Gospel, etc. Encourage her to make good future decisions in her life. Focusing on the past really will get us no where.

[dazed-and-confused]

I have never personally dealt with this situation, but I can imagine how you feel. At this point, what's done is done. Your sister is pregnant. I would say that you should focus on supporting and encouraging your sister and the new baby. That does not mean that you support a sinful lifestyle. Support and encourage her in ways that encourage her to be a good mother, to live the Gospel, etc. Encourage her to make good future decisions in her life. Focusing on the past really will get us no where.

personally, i'd like you ellaberate on how you would should support and encourage the sister and NOT support her sinful lifestyle.

i mean, i have MY theories, but i an so interested in yours......please elaberate.

[NeuroTypical]

Basically for the 2nd time my sister has gotten pregnant(out of wed lock)

...

The first time the entire family was extremely supportive, and there was a lot of secrets kept

...

I am feeling stress about this and I'm feeling horrible for the things I'm thinking about my sister.

I have a phrase for you - righteous indignation. You sister did a very stupid thing, and now is doing a stupid thing again. Your sister is being incredibly selfish, and your family seems to not be able to do anything about it except toss out a few words of "atta girl", refuse to judge, and hide under the bed and hope it goes away.

Since you grew up in such a family, it looks like you might have had "judgement is bad" hardwired into your brain from an early age. Don't believe it. Unrighteous judgement is bad, righteous judgement is a commandment. You should consider learning the difference between the two.

What your sister is doing, is wrong. Kids born out of wedlock have increased risks of teen pregnancy, catching an STD, going behind bars. They tend earn less as adults than kids born into an intact family. The world is full of success stories about how kids beat the odds and do well - but your sister is choosing to inflict those odds on her kid - just for some momentary fleeting sexual good feeling.

It's hard to find something Christlike and helpful to do with those feelings. There are many ways to do unrighteous harmful things with those feelings, and only a couple of good ways.

LM

[hordak]

green eyed monster?

[JessicaHarper]

personally, i'd like you ellaberate on how you would should support and encourage the sister and NOT support her sinful lifestyle.

i mean, i have MY theories, but i an so interested in yours......please elaberate.

I think there is a very fine line between being supportive and enabling. But, somewhere, it is there.

If this were my sister, I would call her out in her sin, and let her know that the way she is living is not the way God designed and will bring pain into her life. Let her know that God will forgive her. Repentance is key. I think I would say my peace once, and leave it alone (the "preaching"). Then, I would pray for my sister, that the Spirit would soften her heart, convict her of sin, draw her to The Lord, etc.

Ways you can support without enabling are taking your sister to the doctor, being her friend, listening to her, letting her know you still love her, possibly helping feed the baby so she can nap, etc. When she asks questions give her Godly advice. Make sure that you are living the gospel, and are right with The Lord. You cannot very well witness to someone when you are not living how you should.

I would not drive her to her boyfriends, or watch the kids while she went to her boyfriends, etc. That is enabling.

[Cassiopeia]

Seriously people? Pathology, enabling, and self righteous indignation?

Give me a break. Some of you need to take a step back and stop playing junior psychologist and religious zealots. I find some of the posts in this thread to be profoundly offensive.

To the original poster:

You just love your sister. I commend you for seeking out advice in asking how to change how you feel and I would point you to the time when Christ stopped the crowd from stoning Mary Magdalene.

"He who is without sin among you, let him cast the first stone at her." John 8:7

You do not have to condone what your sister did. You aren't enabling someone who has made mistakes when you love them and are there for them. If you let gossip and unkindness push you to abandon your sister, you are doing something just as grieveous as she did. As families we are here to love each other and a part of that is forgiveness and mercy.

When my daughter came home with me on the night I saw her handcuffed and read her rights for having drug paraphernalia in her father's home, she threw herself in my arms and thanked me for not giving up on her. And I told her something I will share with you.

I told her...This is our home...this is our family where we get to be forgiven and where we get to forgive. And I've also told her (she's been clean five years) that we are not the sum of our mistakes but what we do with them.

And always pray for your sister and pray for yourself that you can reflect Christ's love in how you treat her and also, pray that God will protect you from such a day as when you make a mistake and people judge you for it and cast you aside for in that day, you will know how your sister feels.

[Cassiopeia]

I have a phrase for you - righteous indignation. You sister did a very stupid thing, and now is doing a stupid thing again. Your sister is being incredibly selfish, and your family seems to not be able to do anything about it except toss out a few words of "atta girl", refuse to judge, and hide under the bed and hope it goes away.

Since you grew up in such a family, it looks like you might have had "judgement is bad" hardwired into your brain from an early age. Don't believe it. Unrighteous judgement is bad, righteous judgement is a commandment. You should consider learning the difference between the two.

What your sister is doing, is wrong. Kids born out of wedlock have increased risks of teen pregnancy, catching an STD, going behind bars. They tend earn less as adults than kids born into an intact family. The world is full of success stories about how kids beat the odds and do well - but your sister is choosing to inflict those odds on her kid - just for some momentary fleeting sexual good feeling.

It's hard to find something Christlike and helpful to do with those feelings. There are many ways to do unrighteous harmful things with those feelings, and only a couple of good ways.

LM

May I remind you, that you know very little of the situation and only that which this poster has said and it is from their perspective?She's being selfish? How do you know? We are not Christ, it is not our place to say such mean and uncharitable acts. You better hope the day never comes that you make a grievous mistake for you will experience the full measure of condemnation in the manner in which you just posted.

I think there is a very fine line between being supportive and enabling. But, somewhere, it is there.

If this were my sister, I would call her out in her sin, and let her know that the way she is living is not the way God designed and will bring pain into her life. Let her know that God will forgive her. Repentance is key. I think I would say my peace once, and leave it alone (the "preaching"). Then, I would pray for my sister, that the Spirit would soften her heart, convict her of sin, draw her to The Lord, etc.

Ways you can support without enabling are taking your sister to the doctor, being her friend, listening to her, letting her know you still love her, possibly helping feed the baby so she can nap, etc. When she asks questions give her Godly advice. Make sure that you are living the gospel, and are right with The Lord. You cannot very well witness to someone when you are not living how you should.

I would not drive her to her boyfriends, or watch the kids while she went to her boyfriends, etc. That is enabling.

Call her out? So you think this girl doesn't know she's transgressed? This kind of blind self righteous nonsense always makes me cringe. You don't have the slightest clue what it takes to come back from making a serious mistake.

It takes humility and a contrite spirit and if you egg her sister on to act in a self righteous manner---yours is the greater sin for you will have aided the alienation of one of God's children. The only way to bring someone out of the depths of their despair is to lead them out. Leading by example with real Christ-like love.

It never ceases to amaze me that in this day and age, some Latter-day Saints still don't get Christ's message.

[zippy_do46]

As a parent I can tell you that this is a hard problem. You want to support and show love for that person but realize that this action is still a sin. I agree with Jessica. There is a line everyone in the family will walk. You need to decide ahead of time those things you will do. Do you have other brothers and sisters? Support your parents by doing those things that will make their lives a little easier. Do those things that will help without being asked. Pray always... asking Heavenly Father to guide you. Then listen for the Holy Spirit. Use the Leadership in the YW program or the Relief Society. ... then and do not take this wrong. Stay busy. Life goes on. Do not become a victim in this. This is not your sin.

[confuzzled]

SeekYourWish,

I have been in your very shoes and it isn't easy. When my older sister became pregnant many years ago I was just 11 and I too didn't understand everything. I loved my sister and I adore her child.

Skip ahead several years......her path is still very different from mine her last child she had she gave up all maternal rights and gave the child to the father....father got put in prison and signed all rights away and child is being raised by the paternal grandparents. Now put in my personal issues with infertility and to make a long long story short I had a lot of hate for my sister. I allowed that hate to fester. The only harm it did was to me.

Pray, pray and pray. You can hate the sin but you can (and should) still love the sinner.

[JessicaHarper]

...Call her out? So you think this girl doesn't know she's transgressed? This kind of blind self righteous nonsense always makes me cringe. You don't have the slightest clue what it takes to come back from making a serious mistake.

It takes humility and a contrite spirit and if you egg her sister on to act in a self righteous manner---yours is the greater sin for you will have aided the alienation of one of God's children. The only way to bring someone out of the depths of their despair is to lead them out. Leading by example with real Christ-like love.

It never ceases to amaze me that in this day and age, some Latter-day Saints still don't get Christ's message.

Call her out? Yes, I would. I have done it with my own sister. I simply tell her "hey, what you are doing isn't right...it isn't going to make your life easier." Then, done, end of story. What is done is done. You know what I do then? Just like you, I LOVE HER!

You do not turn a blind eye to sin, either. What does Paul say? A little leaven, leavens the whole loaf? I love my sister too much to sit by and play stupid when I know what she is doing will lead her down a path of pain. If "calling her out" and then loving the stuffing out of here is wrong...well, so be it.

I think you really missed the heart of my post. You do love the stuffing out of them, someone has to support them...but at the same time, you don't condone their sin, it is fine line.

Oh, I am not LDS.

[Cassiopeia]

Call her out? Yes, I would. I have done it with my own sister. I simply tell her "hey, what you are doing isn't right...it isn't going to make your life easier." Then, done, end of story. What is done is done. You know what I do then? Just like you, I LOVE HER!

You do not turn a blind eye to sin, either. What does Paul say? A little leaven, leavens the whole loaf? I love my sister too much to sit by and play stupid when I know what she is doing will lead her down a path of pain. If "calling her out" and then loving the stuffing out of here is wrong...well, so be it.

I think you really missed the heart of my post. You do love the stuffing out of them, someone has to support them...but at the same time, you don't condone their sin, it is fine line.

Oh, I am not LDS.

Oh i got the heart of it...you have forgotten it's not your place to "call anyone out on their choices".

Who said that you are condoning someone by saying nothing directly to the person who is committing what you hold to be a transgression. Are you so perfect then that you can sit and judge?

If someone is going the wrong direction it is better to go to them with love in your heart and ask them, "why are you choosing this path?" or to say, "I'm afraid for you, please don't do this."

If it's your child and living in your home THEN you can say, "This is unacceptable, you will not do this while under my roof." But that is not calling someone out...that's setting a boundary.

When we set ourselves up as the judge of another person we create a barrier which is sometimes so insurmountable that we lose them. If the object is to save our loved ones from the horrors that the wrong life can lead them into, we do it by long suffering, patience, kindness and diligent repentance on our own part so that we might be the light that burns showing them the way home.

[JessicaHarper]

Oh i got the heart of it...you have forgotten it's not your place to "call anyone out on their choices".

Who said that you are condoning someone by saying nothing directly to the person who is committing what you hold to be a transgression. Are you so perfect then that you can sit and judge?

If someone is going the wrong direction it is better to go to them with love in your heart and ask them, "why are you choosing this path?" or to say, "I'm afraid for you, please don't do this."

If it's your child and living in your home THEN you can say, "This is unacceptable, you will not do this while under my roof." But that is not calling someone out...that's setting a boundary.

When we set ourselves up as the judge of another person we create a barrier which is sometimes so insurmountable that we lose them. If the object is to save our loved ones from the horrors that the wrong life can lead them into, we do it by long suffering, patience, kindness and diligent repentance on our own part so that we might be the light that burns showing them the way home.

I must be doing a horrible job at communicating here, because I see much of how I feel (obviously not what you think I am saying) in your last paragraph (we do it by long suffering...).

I will give an example from my own family. Hopefully, this will not be trampled on. For instance, my sister my sister thought she was pregnant. Did I scorn her? Nope! Did I tell her she was horrible? Nope! Did I love her and let her know I was there for her? YEP! Before this incident I had told her that premarital sex was not what God had planned for her. Did I bring that up? NOPE! But when I see my sister, whom I love GREATLY, I am not going to sit back and watch her mess her life up...I prayed, told her it was wrong, and then continued praying...didn't bring it up again.

It is not a matter of "I am right and you are wrong." Or "You are horrible!" It is a matter of loving them, letting them know you care and are there for them...but at the same time loving them enough to let them know they are going down a path that brings pain.

There is no way we can address every possibly scenario on this topic here. What I have in my mind is not what someone else has in their mind, etc.

[JessicaHarper]

To the OP,

Pray. Pray for wisdom and guidance. Get with some people close to you that are strong in the faith, ask for their guidance.

Love your sister in a way that she knows you are there for her! Pray for her, and her unborn child, and her older child.

I feel this thread is on a downward spiral to the whole "who has a right to judge" debate, and I am not taking part of that in this thread. I apologize for my part in its derailment.

Blessings.

[Cassiopeia]

I must be doing a horrible job at communicating here, because I see much of how I feel (obviously not what you think I am saying) in your last paragraph (we do it by long suffering...).

I will give an example from my own family. Hopefully, this will not be trampled on. For instance, my sister my sister thought she was pregnant. Did I scorn her? Nope! Did I tell her she was horrible? Nope! Did I love her and let her know I was there for her? YEP! Before this incident I had told her that premarital sex was not what God had planned for her. Did I bring that up? NOPE! But when I see my sister, whom I love GREATLY, I am not going to sit back and watch her mess her life up...I prayed, told her it was wrong, and then continued praying...didn't bring it up again.

It is not a matter of "I am right and you are wrong." Or "You are horrible!" It is a matter of loving them, letting them know you care and are there for them...but at the same time loving them enough to let them know they are going down a path that brings pain.

There is no way we can address every possibly scenario on this topic here. What I have in my mind is not what someone else has in their mind, etc.

And now you've provided enough context in which the OP and others can see where you are coming from. Before you gave the impression that you told your sister AFTER she thought she was pregnant.

I'm going to repeat myself...if one has had a discussion with a loved one about their feelings about living standards and the gospel...it follows logically that when they transgress if you have already made it clear that you don't support that path..then clearly, "calling them out on it." is merely rubbing it in their face and has no place in a loving family relationship.

If one is worried they might think that one condones their behaviour that is simply put to rest by saying, "No matter what you've done, I still love you and I'm here for you."

If siblings are raised in the same house with the same value and one goes a different path from the one taught while the other follows the teachings of their parents, the one who leaves is FULLY aware that the standards they break is frowned upon.

There's absolutely nothing that can be said AFTER the fact in the way of, "you're going down the wrong path."( particularly when something like pregnancy or in the case of my daughter, an arrest, rehab and a year of probation) that will help them to change their direction.

I don't remember now which one of the posts I objected to said that the OP's sister is being selfish but I find this blind judging to be extremely unhelpful. It has absolutely NOTHING to do with selfishness but a choice to be intimate outside the bounds of marriage and we don't know why that person chose to. There are many many reasons people set aside gospel standards.

Righteous indignation is not about judging righteously either. It's about having the right to be indignant about something being done or said TO US. This person's sister being pregnant has nothing to do with the OP.

And if someone else is offended by anothers choices, they need to repent and mind their own salvation.

Look, it's this simple...as our Father's children, we can either do the best we can to make it back to his presence or we can get caught up in the lives of others and forget there is a beam in our own eye that needs removing.

Let Christ do the judging for He's earned that right and let us tend to our own lives, our own transgressions and setting the example we should.

To the OP: I'm really sorry this is going on in your family. Love your parents, love your sister and keep busy with things that are good and uplifting.

Edited February 27, 2010 by Cassiopeia

[Gretchen]

Sometimes people do stupid things to get attention. Your sister may have some issues that she has never let go of. Try to be nice to her, let her know that you'll always love her. I'm not saying support her, but I do think you should try to be her friend.

Just my two cents.

[Cassiopeia]

Sometimes people do stupid things to get attention. Your sister may have some issues that she has never let go of. Try to be nice to her, let her know that you'll always love her. I'm not saying support her, but I do think you should try to be her friend.

Just my two cents.

Again, this is judging. When say things like, "sometimes people do stupid things to get attention" we are casting a negative light on the person who is a human being with no more faults that the rest of us and we are not helping.

The OP very well should loving support her sister through this time. She doesn't have to agree with what she's done but by not supporting her, the sister is only left with those who would encourage her down the wrong path.

And a sister is more than a friend. She is a cherish family member and as such should be love and honoured.

[SeekYourWish]

First let me again say thank you to everyone I wasn't expecting such a large response and so quickly. Right now I'm not even supposed to know that she is but i heard it through the grape vine. I feel my sister knows that what she is doing and has done is wrong and against what God would and does want from her. I also feel she may just not care. Shes not very active and all. I don't support her at all with this. We have NEVER gotten along. I try my hardest just to stay out of her way, and even though I know it's not Christ like I don't want to change how we are, She has crossed me with my father in ways I can't explain but that is a whole different story. She is living in the house with my mother and I(parents are divorced) and has for the past 2 months from moving back in acted like we need to cater to her. I don't believe she has made a choice of whether to keep the child or have someone adopt it.I will still love the child, but I'm having problems loving her. I'm already seeing the stress that she has thrown back in to my mothers life. I have 4 other sisters who will all (I think) after finding out with roll their eyes at her. I don't want to be one of them because mistakes happen and they happen again and again. Maybe this is not only a challenge for her life but it is one for my life. To relearn to love her even if she isn't on the right path. I'm not even sure anymore thinking about it and trying to compose sentences about the feelings of it hurt my head. =x

[Cassiopeia]

First let me again say thank you to everyone I wasn't expecting such a large response and so quickly. Right now I'm not even supposed to know that she is but i heard it through the grape vine. I feel my sister knows that what she is doing and has done is wrong and against what God would and does want from her. I also feel she may just not care. Shes not very active and all. I don't support her at all with this. We have NEVER gotten along. I try my hardest just to stay out of her way, and even though I know it's not Christ like I don't want to change how we are, She has crossed me with my father in ways I can't explain but that is a whole different story. She is living in the house with my mother and I(parents are divorced) and has for the past 2 months from moving back in acted like we need to cater to her. I don't believe she has made a choice of whether to keep the child or have someone adopt it.I will still love the child, but I'm having problems loving her. I'm already seeing the stress that she has thrown back in to my mothers life. I have 4 other sisters who will all (I think) after finding out with roll their eyes at her. I don't want to be one of them because mistakes happen and they happen again and again. Maybe this is not only a challenge for her life but it is one for my life. To relearn to love her even if she isn't on the right path. I'm not even sure anymore thinking about it and trying to compose sentences about the feelings of it hurt my head. =x

The only way you are ever going to learn to love her is if you separate your need to have her live her life the way you think she should and just accept that it's her choice, learn to see the good in her and if you have to stay away from her to love her..then do that.

[SeekYourWish]

Thing is I don't feel like I care how she lives her life. Except for the fact that things like this effect the entire family. It's not just her that is looked at differently it is all of us. Unless that is just something I'm making up in my head (I tend to do that). I wish she would have learned the FIRST time. That this was a bad idea.

[JudoMinja]

Seeing a loved one make a decision like that, no matter their reasons or understanding of it, is of course going to take time to come to terms with. You love her. She's your sister. You grew up with this ideal image of what you expected her to do and wanted her to be. We all look up to our older siblings and expect them to set the example, even when they don't set the greatest example. It can be heart breaking when they don't live up to their potential, when we see what they could have done had they only made better decisions, and realize that our image of who we expected them to be doesn't always match up with who they really are.

It's okay to have those feelings. What isn't okay is to hold onto those feelings, let them grow and fester, and become judmental and unforgiving. Really, it's all part of growing up. You are learning the difference between fantasy and reality. The fantasy is that your sister is perfect. The reality is that she is human, just like you, and she makes mistakes. However, she is a very different person than you, and as such the mistakes she makes will be different.

My older brother has been excommunicated from the church due to sexual transgressions. His first child was had out of wedlock, and the second while he was separated from his wife. He has a very selfish mentality and uses everyone he can in every way he can so that he can focus all his time and money on himeslf and what he wants. But you know what? I got over the hurt I felt when I first realized that he wasn't the perfect brother I thought he was growing up. I don't expect him to live his life any differently than how he chooses. I love him and still have fun with him when we spend time together. I never push him to do anything he doesn't want to do, but I also set boundaries to make sure he doesn't walk all over me. He knows where I stand, what I expect, and he knows I see his potential and keep the door open for him.

Since I delt with my disappointments with my older brother, I've made some mistakes of my own. I conceived a child out of wedlock (got married afterward), and am about to be divorced as my husband was severely abusive. I felt the same disappointment over my husband as I did my brother, and yet I feel no malice or anger. I forgive him, and I know where he stands, and while I do not want him in my life, I have let him know that I know it is possible for him to change and I will still love (Christ-like) him no matter how he chooses to live his life. I had to overcome a porn/masturbation addiction and am currently a temple-worthy member in good standing. Repentance is possible, and so is forgiveness. You don't have to experience the same things as your sister has to be able to forgive her.

It is not our place to judge others. No matter how bad their mistakes, no matter their attitude or desire to seek a better path, judgment is up to the Lord. Take those expectations you had for your sister and let them go. It is not our place to hold such expectations over another.

Live your own life to the best of your abilities, and keep the door open to your sister should she decide to make better choices, then accept that she will live her life however she chooses and love her no matter what those choices are.

[SeekYourWish]

That would be one of my great challenges. I have a hard time letting things go, even if I let them out I tend to re bottle them til I eventually cant hold it in any longer....

[Cassiopeia]

When you place importance on what others think of your family because of her actions, you are letting your pride get to you. I realize there is an incredible amount of pressure in the LDS community to be perfect. It's unfair and completely against the teachings of Christ for people to be watching others and judging them.

So if I were you, I'd set about worrying about what the Lord thinks of me and how I'm doing in my life and let all the worries of what other people care go.

My son called me last summer during a very difficult time and I said to him, "I'm just scared what people think about me, all the time."

And his response was, "Mom, the only person you need to worry about is the Lord, and He's alright with you. So let it go. You don't have to please anyone but the Lord and yourself."

And he was right. Life is so much better for me when I worry about my own life and what I'm doing with it.