I don't feel answered

[SomeAnonymousGuy]

Hello everyone, I hope none of you find this unusual but I've been facing with feeling socially insecure for the past few years and quite recently I've been attacked because of it in high school, I do have many aquaintances I get along with but many actually notice how scared I am of rejection. This morning I prayed that I can feel socially confident and possibly find some more aquaintances today, and I believed god just how I do in every prayer I make, however today went just horrid... And it was all in one class. First the usual guy who made fun of my nose started talking about it so I told him ''Well what about your beard? Isn't that as unusual as my nose?'' So the guy next to him tells me that's a horrible comeback and they both laugh at me.. Then afterwards the teacher tells the class to get into groups, and because it's one of the two periods I have no friends in I can't really find a group, then some guy comes up to me and says ''Haha look at you, you're pathetic and I can tell you're a reject because no one wanted you to join their group''.. It's like he knew I'm socially anxious... What's bad is that his group is the only group I can join becasuse it has one free seat and I was forced to hear from the same guy ''Hey bud, we don't want you in our group, you're awkward''... Why doesn't god answer me? After today I don't feel stronger by god, I just feel like no matter how much I pray I won't be able to find confidence. I want to know how it feels to be normal, but my past has always been about rejection so I can't help but feel hopeless.

[marts1]

I remember feeling this way even tho I have no physical reasons to do so (that I know of :)), and I still do even to this day, sometimes feel awkward in groups of people. I think there are many people you know that feel the same but just don't show it. It's not the best idea to retaliate as that will just make things worse. Every adverse thing that you handle in the right manner will return to you as a blessing. Do you study scriptures along with your prayers? If not, give it a go.

[Finrock]

Good afternoon SomeAnonymousGuy. It is a pleasure to meet you and welcome to the forum! :)

Why doesn't god answer me? After today I don't feel stronger by god, I just feel like no matter how much I pray I won't be able to find confidence. I want to know how it feels to be normal, but my past has always been about rejection so I can't help but feel hopeless.

While I am not going to pretend that I perfectly understand your situation I do have my own trials and problems in life that I can draw from to perhaps provide you with some ideas that are relevant.

Understand that while you may be suffering and this suffering is hard to bear, you are experiencing the common human condition. In other words, you are not alone in your suffering. The situation may be different but all of us go through periods of trials. In fact, I imagine that the boys who are causing your distress have their own trials. Perhaps they can mask their suffering better than you, but be assured they likely don't have it all together either. In other words, you and these guys are on a level playing field. And, if you can bring yourself to do so, consider having empathy towards these boys for what trials they are facing that is causing them to find self-confidence by putting down others. Having empathy towards our enemies, in and of itself, can be a source of strength for you. It sounds ridiculous and contradictory, but it is amazing how things work out when we apply gospel principles in our lives, especially when the situation makes it extremely difficult to do so.

Something else to consider: God generally doesn't answer prayers in our timeframe or in the manner that we want. That God doesn't always answer our prayers immediately is necessary for us to exercise faith and trust in Him. Also, we need to experience life, the good and the bad. First, if God always gives us the answer immediately and exactly what we want, how does this demonstrate our faith in Him? It doesn't. Trust and faith require us to continue to be true to God even when His presence and assistance isn't realized or felt. Secondly, if God were to take away all of our suffering from us, how could we learn and grow? We couldn't. It is through our experiences in life that we become better people. It is precisely in these types of situations, where life is rough and all seems doomed, that our decisions matter the most. If we can maintain our faith, maintain our desire to be disciples, even while in the midst of the most horrible of circumstances, it says everything about our character and who we truly are. And, eventually, God will bless us for our diligence.

Hang in there. We can't always pray away our troubles. Sometimes we must endure. This is not to say that we won't be sustained in our trials because I certainly have a testimony that we will be sustained in our trials when we continue to exercise faith and live the gospel the best that we can. Lastly, from my experiences anyways, may I suggest that you make your requests to Heavenly Father unconditional. What I mean is, let Him know that you will accept His will, no matter the results. Make your petition to Heavenly Father, but always let Him know that you will not forsake Him or His gospel even if things don't turn out the way you want it to and trust that God knows you, He understands your circumstance, and He knows all things and His wisdom is greater than all wisdom combined. He knows what is best.

Kind Regards,

Finrock

[Wisc]

There is NOTHING you can do. And nothing you should do either. Be who you are. Develop your talents and make your priority yourself. Not what others think. Sounds like your in a class full of jackazzes. (hey, that word is in the bible so its cool right? )

Do you really care what people like that think? Here is the REALLY scary part... others are watching you! What I mean is dont try to be a jerk back. Dont be a welcome mat but do not try to play their game on their terms. Just continue to be nice. Be polite and know in your mind that you are better than them. Others will see this. They WILL SEE THIS. And as long as you dont give them a reaction they want you will stop being fun to mess with. They will stop and find someone else to mess with. Its just how it works.

And friend, you dont gotta worry about being the nerd here. We already got one of those and I'd tell you his name but I dont wanna get in trouble with the Mods....again.

[marts1]

pickin on mua agin

[Wisc]

Who said you could come out of your corner Canada!?!

[FairChild]

Sometimes when we ask our Heavenly Father for things that are important to us, we need to follow up with the work required to have the blessings we asked for. Have you gone to your school counselor and tell him that you feel socially insecure? Have you joined any groups or clubs? Do you do scouting or any volunteer work? Tell him that you are having problems with some of your classmates? I know it isn't easy because I was bullied all through school. It hurts like nothing else hurts. But now, because I have done the work, I have the blessings of having friends. I am safe and I feel safe. I enjoy my life in ways I did not know that it would be possible to do. I will put you in my goodnight prayers tonight. Please, keep talking and searching for answers. FC

[marts1]

Who said you could come out of your corner Canada!?!

eh! :)

[Guest Alana]

Learning that our prayers are not answered in ways we always understand is kind of a tough pill to swallow, at first.

Just do your best and remember that when it's too hard or your best isn't enough, you have the Savior to make up the difference. Keep leaning on Him and you'll get through this. Keep doing the simple things that invite the Spirit into your life, so that you can feel the comfort that will come in time.

Here is a quote I like from Thomas S. Monson. Not sure if you're the self-pity type (I personally am able to completely wallow in it) but I do find this inspiring.

"Self-pity, personal withdrawal, or deep despair will not bring the peace, the assurance, or help which are needed. Rather, we must go forward, look upward, move onward, and rise heavenward.

It is imperative that we recognize that whatever has happened to us has happened to others. They have coped and so must we. We are not alone. Heavenly Father’s help is near."

I realize you're saying you don't feel that the help is near, but keep reaching for it, it's there, you'll find it if you keep trying, I promise.

[JudoMinja]

Your feelings of social inadequacy is just a weakness you will overcome. God will make our weaknesses our strengths when we humble ourselves before him. Part of humbling yourself is recognizing that HIS way is the best way- that our prayers are not always answered in the way we want them to be answered.

Because this is an area where you are weak, when you ask God for help, he will present you with more opportunities to CONFRONT THIS WEAKNESS. That means you will likely be faced with even more situations in which you feel socially inadequate, experience helping you learn how to deal with the feeling. Your fears and insecurities will not magically disappear or disspiate. They will always be there until you learn how to master them. So praying for help is one of the best things you can do! When you pray for help, you are pushed to face your fear instead of hide from it- and if you hide from it it will always be lingering there to find you when you peek out of your hole. So it is good that you are facing it now, so in the future it will no longer be a weakness but a strength!

Remember always to treat others the way you want to be treated. You don't like being picked on and ostracized? So don't do it back. It will take time and effort, but if you always ask yourself- would I like it if someone said/did this to me?- before you act, you will find your social awkwardness fade away as people realize what a good kind person you are.

[aharon]

That is tough stuff man. I went through that stuff when I was in Junior High. I was the new kid and little, stuck in a pe class full of jocks. Man what a rough time that was!

I'm not sure how I got through it, to be honest. Some how I did. The big thing is to be yourself, the best you can, I know that is pretty tough when you have kids intimidating the crap out of you.

Maybe get to another school if you can. Talk to your parents about it and the principle. Maybe even look at doing home school. That stuff is just such a pain to deal with and for me, it messed with me for a very long time. I still have issues about it.

anyways, I don't know what to say other than hang in there! Know that the scriptures are on YOUR side. Jesus went through a lot of this stuff in his lifetime and he has said that blessed are we if we are persecuted for his sake as well as being blessed for being meek and lowly.

I would look at doing home school, or going to another one. I am not very impressed with our school system, anyways. It is hard to really bring out your full potential and build a real love for learning in that institution. A good book to check out is A Thomas Jefferson Education by Oliver Demille.

Anyways, not trying to get off topic, but good luck, my friend. My advice is to get out of there!!!!

[baver3]

I dont know if this helps but A LOT OF PEOPLE FEEL THE SAME WAY YOU DO!!!!!!!

I also like the advice about being nice and not retaliating. I dont think making a smartalick comment back would be helpful in any way.

It sounds to me like you are in High School, right? You gotta know that this is temporary. It stinks that you have to suffer with it for now but life wont always be this way. I hate that these people are being so insensative and mean but really you cant change those kids.

I remember when I was in High School I felt so alone. I ate lunch alone A LOT. I felt so insignificant. My life is SOOOO different now (17 years later). I have plenty of close friends. That doesnt mean I am socially secure (I hate being in large groups) but I am very comfortable with who I am and I really like myself...even my imperfections.

It takes a while to get there, but you will make it.

[LocalFarms]

Not much to add here as it's already been said. Would like to say simply that you can't control or directly change others behavior to you but you CAN control how it affects you.

[SomeAnonymousGuy]

Everyone, I thank you for putting consideration in your replies... I also face another problem, how do I talk to people I don't know without facing rejection? Thank you.

[Wisc]

Again, there is no way to talk to someone without the possibility of rejection. However, THAT is what makes talking to new people so much FUN!! Its all on your perspective man. Why do people rock climb? Why do people do anything that has a possibility for failure or in some cases danger? Because overcoming makes them feel and look good!

If you just wanna break the ice and make a friend with the girl in your Lab group just be nice and smile and ask her how her day is going. If the thought of talking to her puts butterflies in your stomache its ok! Because she's gonna get them too when she sees that someone new is actually paying attention to her. Everyone is a potential friend. With a sincere smile you can make friends with a stranger at a bus stop.

I know you only asked about talking to people but chances are you also wonder about how to talk to the holy grail of "other people" you dont know; GIRLS so I'll share a story with you. A true one even.

When I was in high school one of my good friends who was average in looks and maybe only a little above average in the smarts department ALWAYS seemed to get dates with what we all considered the hot chicks at school. He wasn't a jock and he wasn't a nerd. Just a regular joe in a sea of students. We were joking around about an event comming up and I asked him to use his Voodo Magic to get me a date with one of his hottie friends and thats when he shared his philosophy with me. Now, he wasnt super smart so he later explained that it was his older sister who gave him a little insight into women and not that he was so genius that he figured this out on his own; but he explained to me that guys dont tend to ask the super hot girls out because they're afraid of rejection. So, they go and settle for the ones they think they have a better shot with. This seems to work because the girls are often using the same tactic. Only thing is if everyone is trying to settle then you actually have more chance of rejection because of the other 3 guys who already asked that girl out and chances are she accepted. But there's that super babe over there who is scaring off most of the guys and the few that do ask are usually the self centered ego maniacs that think they're heaven's gift to women. And the girl usually accepts because either they think they're obligated because the guy is "popular" or because they're girlfriends say they should or...because NO ONE ELSE ASKED. Well, girls get tired of dating guys like that and if one of the average joes would just man up enough to ask the hot girl out.... the hot girl will likely accept!! Thats half the freekin battle right there man!!!! The other half is broken into two parts. 1. Make sure THE GIRL has a great time. and 2. Leave them wanting more. (I would add a sub-clause to make your intentions are clear. If you want to be their friend then be their friend. If you would like to be a little more than friends then dont try to weasel your way into that by playing the "just friends card" )

So... If she's not having fun.... you're not having fun. Have a plan but be willing to alter it. Dont just say "Hey wanna go out sometime?" Instead say, "I would like to take you as my date to bowling night with my friends on Tuesday". If she says she doesnt bowl because she isnt very good then tell her you stink at it too so it should be a lot of fun seeing who bowls the worst game in the history of bowling. OR suggest something else. Chances are she will accept. Your confidence will win the day! Even if she's not feeling the spark she will likely accept the date out of curiosity and girls can sense when a guy is aware he's out of his league but still willing to sticking his neck out there. Most girls admire that. And after the date if you think it went well then offer to take her out again. Dont ask "can I call you sometime" lame... Say something more like I havent had this much fun in a while. Can we get together again soon?" Shows how you feel... which will help her show how she feels and it doesnt come accross as Mr. Ego or Mr. Wimpy And dont forget to smile!!! If you're looking at the ground or off into space its not gonna help your cause (unless you're lucky and this girl happens to like really shy guys) <---- rare in my experience. If she gives off a strong vibe that this may be the only date dont sweat it! Just try again with another cute babe thats out of your league and have fun with that girl. :) And nothing says you cant ask the first girl out again later down the road.

Always be yourself. Try to be relaxed. If you're relaxed then you're thinking more clearly and can better read her and know what she's enjoying and what you might do to keep her having fun. If you're too busy worrying weather or not she thinks your cute enough then you wont notice the sour look on her face every time she takes a sip of her drink or bite of her food. Had you noticed you could have offered to get her something else and win some bonus points for attentiveness!!! :)

And always leave them wanting more. Dont try to get a kiss on the first date. If it happens cause she sneak attacks you with one BONUS but dont worry about trying to get one. A hug is always a good thing though. :) Most importantly leaving them wanting more rests on weather or not you showed them a good time. And dont try to drag it out too long. Fun's only fun until it becomes work.

This has been Dr. Wisc and my office hours are from 8am to ??? Monday - Saturday

UPDATE

Just thought I'd mention that I myself have recently struck up conversation with a nice girl who is WAY too cute for me to be talking to. And guess what she didnt reject me!! She did say that she doesnt like me tho... HAHA but, none the less she talks to me. And I think Im slowly starting to grow on her. Like moss... But to relate it to the topic; there was a HUGE risk of rejection. She recently made a thread about how she despises people requesting her as a friend without even knowing her first. And on top of it she is some kind of Venus caliber ballet dancer with zero flaws to her physical feature. Every guys' dream/nightmare rolled up into one gorgeous package HAHAHAHA

Anyways, just thought I'd share a potential success story as far as talking to people you dont know with the looming threat of rejection hanging over your head. :)

Edited March 31, 2010 by Wisc

[marts1]

need bookcovers on that post Wisc :)

[Wisc]

What can I say. Lot of trial and error in my day so I got a lot of accumulated knowledge

[aharon]

Well said Wisc. You totally nailed it!

[Elgama]

my experience is you need to accept yourself - I am not bad looking physically in fact at school was probably one of the better looking girls in my year and I had one of the best figures, however I also have Dyspraxia and a rather odd outlook on life. My Gran and my Mum helped me love me for me - which is Be Your Own Kind of Beautiful is my favourite New Era poster.

I found friends easier to make in different settings say a book group at the library, a chess club, somewhere were people are a bit geeky but generally more accepting of people for who they are even my Judo class.

When I got to college life was a 1000 times better an odd taste in music, funky dress sense was what everyone else was trying out whereas I was practised it at it lol

Your nose doesn't need to be a bad thing in your life it can be a huge part of why you become who you become. High School really doesn't last forever its easy saying that now, but at 33 I have been out of highschool longer than I was in it and quite frankly being a bit different has been an asset for more of my life than not being.

i

Think seriously about what you want in a friend you won't be the only one these idiots bully, look around find other people in your situation and look for a group of friends like that chances are they will be better friends anyway