confused and disconnected

[leming6]

Hi, it's hard for me to let this out and you will see why when I'm done. I have always been weary of people but have done okay trusting people and trying to be social. Events of the past couple of years has led me to a life of total distrust. I don't trust people, I don't like people, I don't like being around people. I try and take my kids to church because I don't want them to miss out but I usually walk the halls with my youngest or if he goes to nursery I will just sit in the car. I never invite people over or go to other people's houses. I know this is sad and pathetic but it's how I am right now.

I guess I have never really dealt with unfriendly, mean, crude, and uncourteous people before. I don't know how to handle it and the way I am handling isn't good. I just don't know how to change that. I don't know how to go anywhere and not think in the back of my mind is someone going to do or say something to me. Is someone going to go behind my back and do something extremely hurtful? I mean what is with people these days? Why do people seem so intent on butting into your life no matter what pain they may cause? What happened to common courtesy?

I know I need to trust in the Lord and all that but I'm beginning to not do that. Why is all this happening? What am I doing so wrong that things continue to happen? Why can't people be decent? Why can't people confront me instead of going behind my back? I would like nothing more than to go live in the middle of nowhere so I don't have to deal with people and they don't have to put their noses where it doesn't belong.

I want to trust in the Lord, I want to have a good experience at church, I want to enjoy life, I want to teach my kids the right way to live, but this is all easier said than done. I am sick of being constantly disappointed in humanity and in my family. I want to know how to change my wants into actions and how to be able to trust people again. I want encouragement from people, not discouragement. I feel so disconnected from everyone and everything and now am starting to disconnect from the Lord. I know I shouldn't go down that path but I don't know how to change it.

[Wingnut]

I'm not sure if you're looking for advice here. If you are, it's hard to give any because you haven't given any background info about what caused this shift for you. It sounds to me like you may have some anxiety issues that should be addressed with a medical professional.

[Gwen]

i had the same thought as wing. anxiety issues can be very debilitating. it may be resolvable with counseling but may also require medication. i would talk to a dr if at all possible.

[leming6]

I guess I'm looking for advice from women in the church on how to keep going and how to keep the spirit alive in me and my family while I'm trying to deal with others and learn and grow. I know what I am supposed to do, I just don't know how. Yes, I have issues that I told myself I would never have. Will I go to a medical professional...no because I don't have insurance and cannot afford anything. I didn't post anything personal because I don't want it public and I don't want people twisting things because who knows if I will write anything so it makes sense.

[Tamiele]

It sounds like you have had your fair share of difficult people. If that sums up most of your relationships - it is time to make a change - weed out the negative and cleave to the positive. I would discuss this issue with your Bishop, as well as you RS President (or councellors). Tell them your fears - and let them match you up with Sisters that can befriend you and build up your trust. There are church members that will let you down - and behave very unrighteously - and it sounds like they are the ones your find yourself getting burned by. There are great women in the church - ones that would love nothing better than to build you up and help you to overcome your socializing handicaps. There will always be some that can say things that will sting - but if you have mor positive in your life - the negative doesn't bother you (as much). Best of luck to you!

[Gwen]

you don't need to post anything personal. i understand keeping those things private.

i know it's impossible and i'm the worst at actually doing it but getting away for some you time is very helpful. deseret book has a time out for women that is wonderful for that kind of thing.

i enjoy reading things by emily watts. she keeps things very "real" in my opinion and i enjoy that.

you may also want to try adding a vitamin supplement to your day. good quality b's and magnesium are important for stress/anxiety (nervous system) management. if you already take something then try increasing those.

[Tamiele]

you don't need to post anything personal. i understand keeping those things private.

i know it's impossible and i'm the worst at actually doing it but getting away for some you time is very helpful. deseret book has a time out for women that is wonderful for that kind of thing.

i enjoy reading things by emily watts. she keeps things very "real" in my opinion and i enjoy that.

you may also want to try adding a vitamin supplement to your day. good quality b's and magnesium are important for stress/anxiety (nervous system) management. if you already take something then try increasing those.

I concur with this - also, most of the population is deficient in Vitamin D - the sunshine vitamin - taking a strong dose of this each day can drastically improve your temperament.

[Elgama]

I do know how you feel to a point due to bullying at church I experienced a lot of anxiety and panic attacks going to church. Have you had a blessing? I would talk to your Bishop, if necessary get one every week before going to church, at one point I was having a blessing on Saturday night so I wouldn't panic all night and one when I got home to calm down and recover. This went on for around a year.

A hymn that really helps me is Lead Kindly Light and I sing it to myself when struggling

Lead, kindly Light, amid th’encircling gloom, lead Thou me on!

The night is dark, and I am far from home; lead Thou me on!

Keep Thou my feet; I do not ask to see

The distant scene; one step enough for me.

I was not ever thus, nor prayed that Thou shouldst lead me on;

I loved to choose and see my path; but now lead Thou me on!

I loved the garish day, and, spite of fears,

Pride ruled my will. Remember not past years!

So long Thy power hath blest me, sure it still will lead me on.

O’er moor and fen, o’er crag and torrent, till the night is gone,

And with the morn those angel faces smile, which I

Have loved long since, and lost awhile!

Meantime, along the narrow rugged path, Thyself hast trod,

Lead, Savior, lead me home in childlike faith, home to my God.

To rest forever after earthly strife

In the calm light of everlasting life.

Also keep your journal record your prayers and watch them be answered.

[leming6]

Church is just one part of the issue and no I haven't gone to my branch president or recieved any blessings. I'm hesitant to ask of any of it because I don't feel I deserve anything like that because of my thoughts and feelings right now. My husband and I have talked to our branch president about other issues with our marriage and I'm pretty sure he'll just tell me the same things, it seems all church leaders do is say the same things over and over. Every situation is different and I want to feel like someone is actually listening to me. I want to find someone who can be supportive without being judgemental and actually help me through this process and I don't know where to go.

[Elgama]

Church is just one part of the issue and no I haven't gone to my branch president or recieved any blessings. I'm hesitant to ask of any of it because I don't feel I deserve anything like that because of my thoughts and feelings right now. My husband and I have talked to our branch president about other issues with our marriage and I'm pretty sure he'll just tell me the same things, it seems all church leaders do is say the same things over and over. Every situation is different and I want to feel like someone is actually listening to me. I want to find someone who can be supportive without being judgemental and actually help me through this process and I don't know where to go.

there is no worthiness required for a blessing does your husband hold the priesthood?

[leming6]

Yes, but it's hard to ask him when we are having marriage troubles.

[Elgama]

as long as they don't make him unworthy might actually be a good time to ask? thats precisely when I do ask if my husband is a jerk I ask him to remind him he is a priesthood holder and it gives us both revelation about how to move forwad?

[MaMeeshkaMow]

It sounds like stress is making natural burdens of human existence into long lasting ones. To sum it up, your 3 levels of existence (spiritual, mental, physical) are probably in exhausted mode. A person can be spiritually healthy but can suffer if the emotional/mental levels are down. It sounds like social situations are causing the mental/emotional levels to go down. THe marriage problems are bringing the mental/emotional levels down. The result is the stress is going way up.

My advice would be to increase the physical level of your life. Someone mentioned Vitamin D. Good stuff for you. Exercise is a key. A 30 minute exercise session can make all the difference in a day. Even on a Sunday (although I might get in trouble here), I would exercise before church. It's almost like you have an extra "breath". Get yourself sweating physically. Too much emotional/mental sweating is a life killer. Also, keep on with the spiritual levels (pray, scripture).

[Guest mirancs8]

Yes, but it's hard to ask him when we are having marriage troubles.

I have to agree with Elgama. This is exactly when I would ask my husband to give me a blessing. I think it speaks volumes. Let me ask you. When you are having these difficulties does he ever suggest to you that he gives you a blessing? If he does do you reject it? Or has he never suggested it?

Having been through my own marriage issues I can sympathize with your situation. I wonder does any of your anxiety come from the feeling that you are not living up to the expectations regarding your marriage. Do you go to church thinking that others may judge you because you don't have the perfect marriage? Do you feel that the church authorities judge you harshly regarding your role in the marriage issues? I'm just shooting off things randomly here but might not be completely off in thinking this.

I've had some church members as well as the Bishop say some very bold things to me and I had to humble myself to take it in without getting offended or hurt. Sometimes I have to hear things that I don't want to hear. It can be from people at church, family and even friends. The truth can be very painful to listen to. Now with that said there are those who will say thing very hurtful and be inconsiderate. All you do is listen and let it go in one ear out the other. Never allow anyone to put you in such a state of mind that you can't even feel comfortable to sit in church. Do not let anyone bully you! Keep addressing the issue with the church authority till you are blue in the face. Sister, you need to come back into the church and participate.

Don't worry so much about what others think about you OR what you think they think about you. All that matters is that you know who you are. Don't let what you think others are thinking stop you from progressing in your spiritual path. Do you pray? Have you been reading your scriptures? Do you do these things with your husband? Remember it's not all about doing it yourself but also with your spouse on a daily basis if possible.

I will pray for you. I hope that you can find that peace in your life. Have you checked out the church welfare program? They may be able to help you with doctors and meds.

[baver3]

I would agree with the anxiety issues but I am sure you feel this way due to your past negative experiences as well. My advice to you would be to ask yourself why you seem to automatically assume that someone is going to let you down or twist your words.

You said you didnt want to disclose any personal info on this board because someone 'may twist' your words. Do you have a basis for thinking that? What basis do you have for thinking (before it even happens) that someone is going to disappoint you or do something mean to you? I am not a psychologist or anything but I think anxiety could be part of the problem.

I realize that you dont have insurance right now. Can you look into state health assistance? I also really liked the advice about taking vitamins. I have suffered anxiety a lot in my life (not as severe sounding as yours) but it is a difficult burden to bear. You must pray when you DONT feel like it. You must ask for a blessing when you DONT think you deserve it. You must push yourself to do those things you need to do when you DONT FEEL LIKE IT.

I know what you mean about the church leaders saying the same things to you. Maybe you can get help from an LDS Family Services counselor. Your branch can probably pay for it or help. They dont ask you to pay much but that may really help you. I think you need some one on one counseling and they are great becuase they are gospel and spiritual based.

Make sure you are inviting the spirit every single day of your life. Dont allow Satan to use your despair to keep you from the light of truth and to further prevent you from joy and happiness.

I truly believe that is the only way to overcome this. You can do it though. I know you can.

[leming6]

A few comments to some posts...no, my husband doesn't offer to give me blessings (he never has), not going to church doesn't necessarily have to do with people there, I just don't like being around people in general. My anxiety about people twisting my words or overreacting to things has to do with a well established pattern (I guess I'm not that great at communicating) that has turned into some real threats to me and my family. I never have cared what people thought about me until recently because of some events that have happened..not just words, actions.

Okay, so last night my husband sent me to a hotel by myself. I was on the verge of who knows what. Anyway, I did a lot of thinking, praying, and scripture reading. I listened to some good music and just plain old had some time to think. My conclusions--I need to surround myself with good LDS women who can lift me up, I need to stay on the right track to keep the Spirit in my home no matter what my husband does, and I need to just be the best me I can be. Now, I plan on making sure I go to church every week even if I'm not ready to trust people yet. Eventually that might come again, but I can't let my spiritual self disappear because of it. Even if I don't talk to people or open up at church, I can still learn something. As far as the meds or counseling...I think I just need to not let Satan in. It's a choice that I have to make and I don't believe anyone or any meds can make that choice for me. True joy and happiness is a choice and I am choosing to be happy, for myself and for my kids. Maybe one day I will trust people again, but people aren't going to affect my eternal progression, only I am. Everything in this world has it's purpose and I will learn from it and make things better for myself.

[Gwen]

i'm glad you have what you feel are some answers. if i may make a suggestion. take that inspiration and write it down. then make specific action oriented goals based off that information. keep a notebook just for tracking those goals and your progress with them. weekly look at it and see if you need to re-evaluate or rework any of them. keep a daily record of things, it's amazing what you can see when you lay things out in front of you.

good luck and god bless you in your efforts.

[dizzysmiles]

I guess I'm looking for advice from women in the church on how to keep going and how to keep the spirit alive in me and my family while I'm trying to deal with others and learn and grow. I know what I am supposed to do, I just don't know how. Yes, I have issues that I told myself I would never have. Will I go to a medical professional...no because I don't have insurance and cannot afford anything.

I know what you mean when you say you can't trust people. but how is that working for you? It's not. It's a life full of saddness, depression, regret, and wanting to give up. You have to come to terms that through the atonment, he didn'tjust pay for our sins, he also felt your pain and he is also there for you to trust him. He will never lead you astray. He gives you hope. Take that hope. You are the one that has to be in charge, so just think no one knows you can't stand people, only you do. Go into r.s and if you have an anxiety attack go to the bathroom until you are ready to come out. Then go back in. TRY to meet one person on sunday. There are GOOD people out there too, willing to help you and love you if you let them in. The bishop can help you go to LDS Family services for some counseling. Counseling is not a bad thing but a tool to help you. god intended for you to have joy, even if people in your life have done bad things to you, he is still there. I hope you can find that inner peace, for you and your children. Hang in there

[dizzysmiles]

Church is just one part of the issue and no I haven't gone to my branch president or recieved any blessings. I'm hesitant to ask of any of it because I don't feel I deserve anything like that because of my thoughts and feelings right now. My husband and I have talked to our branch president about other issues with our marriage and I'm pretty sure he'll just tell me the same things, it seems all church leaders do is say the same things over and over. Every situation is different and I want to feel like someone is actually listening to me. I want to find someone who can be supportive without being judgemental and actually help me through this process and I don't know where to go.

Get the Book ' Forgiving ourselves" it sounds like you have a lot of guilt. If your issues is related to addiction, ther eis a 12 step program for both you and your husband I highly suggest

[Hemidakota]

as long as they don't make him unworthy might actually be a good time to ask? thats precisely when I do ask if my husband is a jerk I ask him to remind him he is a priesthood holder and it gives us both revelation about how to move forwad?

Yes! We have our pride and need at times to SWOLLOW IT!!!! Good advice.

[Melissa569]

I will say that when we open up to people, we let the bad in with the good. But that's really all we need to focus on-- that we ARE letting in the good.

It does sound like anxiety issues, and I have suffered with that myself. I did the "Midwest Center" program by Lucinda Bassett (its called "attacking anxiety and depression"). Its a 6-month program you do by yourself, at home. It's just tapes or CD's, and the work book. It teaches you HOW to fix all your emotional challenges, and how to get around them. How to deal with difficult people and situations. What kids of things to tell yourself, and when to do it. The original program is like $500. But I ordered mine off eBay for like $30. It was used, but I didn't care, it still had everything, lol. I love that program, its helped me so much! You've probably seen comemrcials for it, because its on late at night a lot. If there is any possibility you could save up for a cheper version off ebay, I strongly suggest it. Its cheaper than insurence, lol. I refer back to it whenever I have trouble, and I'm soooooo much better now than before.

Lucinda Bassett DOES believe in god, so there is some religious influence int he program. In fact, she is recovered from anxiety and depression herself, and when she had her worst break down years ago, she prayed to god, promising him that if he helped her find the way out-- she would share it with the world. That's why she made the program so people could do it on their own at home. Its a touching story!

If its possible to get a cheap deal on it, you could combine that with the church's teachings, and the women in church, to help pull you out and heal you. The only thing I will warn you of is, whatever help you decide to get-- you're going to change... You will become stronger, more open, outgoing, more willing to tackle big projects in life, and more independent when you are healed. Now, that's a wonderful thing, at face value. But it might scare some of the people who are closest to you. They might not like it, especially at first, because they are not used to you being that way. They may fear they are losing you. You just have to keep reasuring them. Or blow it off, until they realize that the changes are good.

I would also suggest finding out if there is an "recovery" program in your church, or at a church near you, and go to it every week. Because its not just for drugs, alcohol, or gambling... Its for EVERY kind of unhealthy routine we tend to cling to. Meaning its also for depression, anxiety, co-dependency, sexual problems, whatever issues you might be having. My husband is struggling to overcome gambling issues, and I took him to the Stake Center's addiction recovery program last Tuesday, for the first time. He asked me to sit int here with him for support, so I did. It was nice to meet men and women, with all of the above issues, and feel like it was OK to talk about it all there. I even felt like maybe I shoudl go, jsut to maintain what the Midwest Center program taught me. Everyone talked, everyone said their piece. I cannot go into specific details, because there is a strict rule that what is said in that room, STAYS in that room. But its a good place, and its church oriented. They also provide you with a recovery booklet, and weekly recovery assignments. I think it would be a great source of strength and healing for you.

Edited May 1, 2010 by Melissa569

[vgirl]

I guess I have never really dealt with unfriendly, mean, crude, and uncourteous people before. I don't know how to handle it and the way I am handling isn't good. I just don't know how to change that. I don't know how to go anywhere and not think in the back of my mind is someone going to do or say something to me. Is someone going to go behind my back and do something extremely hurtful? I mean what is with people these days? Why do people seem so intent on butting into your life no matter what pain they may cause? What happened to common courtesy?

I am reading a book right now called 'The Civility Solution:What to Do When People Are Rude'

It's a very insightful book and i'de reccomend it to anyone and everyone - as we all have to deal with rude people form time to time.

[crazypotato]

If you are suffering from depression or anxiety, unfortunately, the Holy Ghost can leave because he cannot confirm negative, untrue thoughts. I have had that problem before. I used to have bouts of depression, that caused me to view people and the world and myself more negatively than they really were. I would pray for help about different things and couldn't understand why I didn't feel the Holy Ghost comforting me. Then I noticed it was because my thoughts had to change to hope in Christ, and I needed to just think about him more in general, rather than dwelling on my problems.

Also, I was told by the Spirit to get enough sleep, eat healthy foods (meaning lots of vegetables, fruit, no junk food, no processed foods but whole grains, and exercise moderately instead of intensely. And also going outside without sunscreen on and taking in the sunshine are great.

Writing your thoughts down help. There really are lots of imperfect but incredibly compassionate and kind women in this world that would understand and not judge you as bad. You have to believe that because it is true.

[jayanna]

I can understand....I am so glad you posted this, I have been feeling very very lonely for some of the same reasons. My RS pres. hates me, I know it sounds unlikely, but she does. Her best friend is her 1st couns. Their husbands are in the bishopric, so I go to him to ask for help....ugh. He agrees with her. There was a lesson, she said that our Heavenly Father will forsake us in our greatest trial even when we are worthy of having the Holy Ghost, she said that He had forsaken Joseph SMith in jail, that He had forsaken Jesus Christ while he was on the cross, and do we think we are better than they?

I raised my hand and said that it wasn't true, we are promised constant companionship of the Holy Ghost as long as we are worthy, and testified that I had experienced many huge trials, without ever being abandoned. The next Sunday I was called to the the primary.

I thought maybe it was just a coincidence...then another sister disagreed with them, over something completely unrelated to church issues...she was sent to the primary the same week.

I have tried fasting and praying for them, and turning their names into the temple. I have tried to make amends and talk to them in a friendly way, but they say the NASTIEST things about other people. Things like "if the nursing mothers don't like breastfeeding in front of people they can just go home"

things like, "the reason the Lord won't give her another baby is because she can't handle the ones she has...have you seen how they behave?" that sister had just had her 2nd miscarriage and they had comforted her, waited for her to walk away and then said that.

Things like " the reason poor people are poor is because they are lazy, I have what I have because I work for it" I just can't bring myself to stand there, grin and nod. I just walk away.

They tell me not to make bread for the sacrament, I just said, okay and apologized for offending them by baking the bread (neither of them bake bread) They took my visiting teaching companion away. How can you complain to the bishop, when it's his wife and her best friend who's over at their house every day?

I want to go to another ward so bad, but my hubby is the 2nd couns. in the bishopric and it would look really awful and disrespectful, even though I know they would all be really relieved to see me go. I asked one sister why she hasn't visited me lately, we've always been such good friends, she said she didn't want to make the RS pres mad and end up in primary like me...I didn't even know that she had noticed what had happened, I hadn't told her a thing. So, what do I do now?

[Guest]

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Edited August 5, 2010 by anatess