Helping Former Members

[InquisitiveSoul]

I have a man who works with me who is a former member of the church. He served a Mission, attended BYU, and says he never believed. He claims he went along with it for 25+ years because of family pressure, but he did try to gain a testimony. He's read all of the Standard Works multiple times and held many callings during his time as a member.

Sometimes he will make comments along the lines of "if I could read the Book of Mormon again and gain a testimony I would...if I could do A or B in order to believe I would because it's easier to live with hope and a testimony...."

When he makes comments like this I think there maybe something I could say to help. Somewhere inside him, I think he does believe but he blocks out his faith with anger and bitterness.

Anywho, what do you suggest? Is there anything you think I should say or do to help?

Maybe this is a better fit under advice, so feel free to move it if you think so Mods. I've been wondering though, does the church have any plans or policies for dealing with former members? Surely they are discussed in leadership meetings somewhere along the line? It seems to me a member who served a Mission, graduated from BYU, and was married in the Temple deciding to leave would be a topic of discussion between the Bishop and Stake President.

[Snow]

When he makes comments like this I think there maybe something I could say to help.

So - you are a proponent of the jawbone hypothesis... that if you say the right words, with the right tone in your voice, then that will do for him what the whole rest of his life, family, education, experiences, upbringing, will and desire, have not been able to do.

Personally, I don't think it's a very good hypothesis.

[Landy77]

I have not been around very long, but sometimes people expect a testimony to be more than what it really is. A testimony is a reason for believing. If he prayed about it and got warm and fuzzies then that is a testimony. I have a testimony I posted on the forum you are free to read. http://www.lds.net/forums/prayers-testimonies/31678-history.html At the time I didn't know what a testimony was and just said why I decided to join the church. If he is expecting something other than what he has received as confirmation of the church then that is between him and God.

[Wingnut]

I think that if he wants to, he will, and if it's not important to him, he won't.

One of my teachers in the MTC described a common type of missionary. This type thinks that if they just love someone enough, that everything will work out right. With just love and a little prayer, they will all join the church. Love is all you need. This type of missionary doesn't focus on teaching doctrine enough, and ignores the fact that people have agency and will use it according to their own liking, and that love won't change that.

I've painted a bit of a harsh picture, but you sound a little like this type of missionary. The man you know has expressed that he doesn't believe, and that he's been faking it for over 25 years. In all that time of church and temple attendance, it occurs to me that if he really wanted to know and believe, he'd have taken the steps to do so by now.

[pam]

Inquisitive I think your heart is in the right place. I think you want to be able to help and make everything all right. I think you are sincere in this. But nothing you can say will make everything all right with this person. They have to do it themself. You can remain supportive and a friend and hope you have some influence. About all you can do.

[zippy_do46]

"Enduring to the End" not an easy task. Sometimes good people make an choice that is hard for us to see. We wonder why with all the knowledge of the gospel they would choose to live without it. It happens. It does not mean that they are bad people, it might mean they just could not endure. The only thing you as a member can do is be a good example and endure to the end. Such examples helped "me" make the right choice after being less active for so long.

[Moksha]

...it's easier to live with hope and a testimony...."

If he say's this again, let him know how right he is about life being better with faith and how it adds meaning to life. Don't add any more than that. His spiritual yearning needs time to manifest itself.

[InquisitiveSoul]

If he say's this again, let him know how right he is about life being better with faith and how it adds meaning to life. Don't add any more than that. His spiritual yearning needs time to manifest itself.

He was going on about faith again today. I pointed out if he knows it's easier to live with hope and faith in his life, doesn't that mean he used to have a testimony as opposed to his claim that he never had one?

I don't expect to say anything to change his mind, rather I suspect he did believe instead of claiming he never believed. Moksha I like your post.

It's an interesting thing faith, how one can have it one moment and lose it the next is hard to understand. He told me before I was baptized how church members hate his type and slander him by saying he broke a commandment and losing his testimony was the result. However, my impression from being around him is that he still believes but he's lashing out over something else, be it depression or frustration for the way things have turned out and pinning the blame on the gospel.

I don't badger or nag, he brings religion up almost everyday so me thinks he's searching for something to grab hold of again.

[Moksha]

... he brings religion up almost everyday so me thinks he's searching for something to grab hold of again.

You are very perceptive.

[Mute]

As a former member, I'd say it is very possible he could still believe in it. When I left, I talked with former members as well as read stories from those who had left. One such site I visited for short while was called "Recovery for Mormonism". The people on this site seemed to have recovery confused with obsession. The thing I noticed was these people couldn't seem to let go. They obviously didn't take the advice from Ron Pepeil very well.

I can think of no one else who said it better than Ron Popeil "SET IT AND FORGET IT!" and come back two hours later to a delicious roast turkey.

There are a few reasons for why this may be. One they still believe in it and feel the need to disprove it not only to themselves but to the rest of the world that the LDS faith is false. That is my guess as to why so many of them devote a large portion and some times make their living out of tearing down the lds faith. My guess is they believe in it and it just constantly tears at them that they may not be going to heaven or have done something wrong. If someone honestly felt the church was a terrible thing for others after having been in it, then I do not believe they would use dishonesty in doing so.

If he doesn't speak ill of the lds faith then this might not be the reason. It is possible he still believes in the lds faith but just wasn't happy in it. I've only met one former lds member that I've ever liked. Most just seemed so full of hatred that I couldn't stand them. I'm not saying your friend is like this and I don't know if anything I've said helped but I hope it did.