newbie with questions about church council

[kimiko]

I converted to the LDS church a year ago, my husband was born into the church. He's an endowed member and returned missionary. We got married 9 months ago. Unfortunately, we didn't wait until we were married to engage in certain activities. It's partially my fault because at the time, I was not a church member and didn't understand why we needed to wait. I wish I had known then so I could have been more encouraging to him about waiting until we were married. But what's done is done. We felt really bad about it though and continuously asked the Lord for forgiveness.

So as we prepared to go to the temple this weekend to have our marriage sealed, I learned through the temple prep class that certain sins have to be brought to priesthood authority. I'm still having a hard time understanding why this is necessary, but I think it's to help the member not only repent of the sin but prevent the sin from reoccurring... Maybe someone here can help me understand this better. Why isn't the atonement enough for certain sins?

Well, I started to feel increasingly guilty about our sin, so my husband and I recently confessed to our bishop, who informed us that the sin was much more serious for my husband than it was for me because of the covenants he has made in the temple. Tonight the church disciplinary council will be held to determine if my husband will be disfellowshipped or excommunicated. On a positive note, I received my temple recommend and will still be going to the temple this weekend to receive my endowment.

I'm having a really hard time with all this. I can't imagine me being a member of this church and my husband not. He introduced me to the church and taught me everything that I know. Aside from disobeying the law of chastity, he is an upstanding member of the church. And he never recklessly ignored the law either. He always struggled with it and was torn between doing what is right by church standards and expressing his love for me. I don't understand how it's possible that we commit the same sin, together, and I get a temple recommend and he faces potential excommunication.

My husband is prepared to do whatever necessary to make things right and go to the temple with me.

The Stake President said I can give a statement at the council tonight, but I have no idea what I should say. I would like to basically say what I've written here. I just don't know what is appropriate to say or not say.

Sorry this is so long. I'm just really upset and don't know how to best handle this situation. I don't want to end up being angry at the church if my husband does get excommunicated. Any advice, suggestions, etc. are greatly appreciated. Thank you.

[pam]

Temple covenants are a serious matter. The fact that your husband broke them becomes a serious matter and the reason for the discipline council tonight.

Speak from the heart just as you have here. Nothing that you say will leave that room. It's hard to understand but a discipline council is done out of love and compassion to help that person get back on the right track. May not seem like it now but it will in the future.

[not_ashamed]

I think what you have said here is appropriate to say there. It is much more serious for him, however I know of couples who are members that engaged in premarital sex, neither were excommunicated but they were not allowed to marry in the temple for quite some time. They had civil marriages and then were sealed later. I guess it all depends on your stake president and the council he receives from heavenly father. I pray it all works out for you.

[kimiko]

...to help that person get back on the right track...

This is the part I don't quite understand. It's not like this is a sin that my husband can commit again. So what exactly is "the right track?"

[Tarnished]

Sexual sins are serious sins. Because of this there is more involved in repentance than other sins. Also, if your husband is a return missionary then it means he made certain covenants in the temple not to have sexual relations outside of marriage. A covenant is a promise between him and God, so not a small matter. Because of that he has more to repent of and has the disciplinary counsel.

Having gone through a disciplinary counsel myself I can tell you that they are not as bad as what you might be fearing. The disciplinary counsel is actually there to help guide the sinner through the repentance process. Also if your husband is truly repentant there is a small chance that he will be excommunicated. Excommunication usually happens to those people who are unrepentant or who have committed such serious sins that it would be easier for them to repent through excommunication. Chances are, your husband will NOT be excommunicated. It may however take him a year before he can regain his temple recommend.

The best thing you can do for him during this time is to be supportive and to help him with his repentance. Encourage church attendance, scripture reading, regular prayers, and a general drawing closer to Jesus and Heavenly Father. It may seem strange that he has to go through all of this, but it is necessary for him to be completely forgiven for his sins. Some sins require a more in depth form of repentance than others.

[kimiko]

...however I know of couples who are members that engaged in premarital sex, neither were excommunicated but they were not allowed to marry in the temple for quite some time.

Do you know how long those couples had to wait before they could be sealed? Is there a set amount of time that one has to be disfellowshipped or excommunicated for this?

I pray it all works out for you.

Thank you!

If only I had known back then how serious this is, I never would have done it! =/

[kimiko]

Chances are, your husband will NOT be excommunicated. It may however take him a year before he can regain his temple recommend.

The best thing you can do for him during this time is to be supportive and to help him with his repentance. Encourage church attendance, scripture reading, regular prayers, and a general drawing closer to Jesus and Heavenly Father. It may seem strange that he has to go through all of this, but it is necessary for him to be completely forgiven for his sins. Some sins require a more in depth form of repentance than others.

This is good news and helping me be a little less anxious about tonight. I will do whatever I can to help my husband. I know this is going to be hard for him. The thought of him being hurt completely crushes me, but I'm starting to realize how this will help both of us. Thank you for your input.

[Tarnished]

Do you know how long those couples had to wait before they could be sealed? Is there a set amount of time that one has to be disfellowshipped or excommunicated for this?

The time frame is usually a year.

[Hemidakota]

My husband is prepared to do whatever necessary to make things right and go to the temple with me.

The Stake President said I can give a statement at the council tonight, but I have no idea what I should say. I would like to basically say what I've written here. I just don't know what is appropriate to say or not say.

Sorry this is so long. I'm just really upset and don't know how to best handle this situation. I don't want to end up being angry at the church if my husband does get excommunicated. Any advice, suggestions, etc. are greatly appreciated. Thank you.

The statement of “…preparing to do whatever necessary…”, is the first step for a remarkable person, who willing to put things right again. I commend both of you.

As members of the kingdom we do make mistakes Kimiko. It is not uncommon for us to commit a small sin, something of the order of a bad thought for another person, or a grosser sin, less than murder, which is breaking our temple convents regards to chastity. I believe with true repentance, it is the after affects that will aid us, in how long before the Lord will forgive us for it. True penitents and willing to give it all, I believe is the key to finding that forgiveness from the Lord directly.

Kimiko, the Stake Presidency can remove the burden but it is up to the Lord to remove the sin. The burden removal alone is like removing a weighted bowling ball from ones shoulder when carrying sin of this magnitude in mortality. The harder part of this repentance process, is seeking an answer from the Lord on whether you are forgiven or not. This will be the hardest part for your husband to hold. Nothing is lost. The Stake Presidency and the Bishopric will be there for him and support him through this time period after the proceedings.

Remember, the Stake Presidency after hearing from your husband and then your added warm hearted statement for your husband, the presidency will seek guidance from the Lord on bent knees for appropriate direction on how to proceed. As already indicated by Pam and others, it is done with a loving attitude for your and your husband welfare.

Expectation of what may be the rendering judgment can range from what is already stated by others, excommunication, or a probationary period. Your husband’s humility and sincerity for his seeking repentance, is the key to what may be given as judgment. The length of which will be determine by what is converse from the Spirit to the Stake Presidency. Now, it can be a short duration of seeking forgiveness from the Lord. Or it may take many years. It is up to your husband and the Savior to clear the sin from his life. I do believe, the Savior will let your husband know when this happens.

A good source book to read is by Spencer W. Kimball’s ‘Miracle of Forgiveness.’ I wouldn’t be surprise, if the Stake President didn’t hand a copy to your husband after the procedure. I truly love this book.

May Spirit rest upon the Stake President and your family on what may transpire tonight. God bless dear sister.

[Hemidakota]

Hopefully everything worked out for both of you last night.

[kimiko]

Thank you for the support and kind words. The counsel went well. You guys were right about what would happen. The members of the counsel showed nothing but love for us, and all of their questions were directed to increasing their understanding of what happened and my husband's relationship with the Savior. He wasn't excommunicated, so I'm thankful for that. However, we won't be able to go to the temple together until at least another year. I'm trying not to be too heart broken about that because I know that this is all happening for a reason and will benefit our relationship and also improve our relationship with God.

Hemidakota, they didn't give us the book you mentioned, but I just ordered a copy from Amazon.

[Hemidakota]

God bless....

[pam]

Thank you for the support and kind words. The counsel went well. You guys were right about what would happen. The members of the counsel showed nothing but love for us, and all of their questions were directed to increasing their understanding of what happened and my husband's relationship with the Savior. He wasn't excommunicated, so I'm thankful for that. However, we won't be able to go to the temple together until at least another year. I'm trying not to be too heart broken about that because I know that this is all happening for a reason and will benefit our relationship and also improve our relationship with God.

Hemidakota, they didn't give us the book you mentioned, but I just ordered a copy from Amazon.

That is awesome that it went so well for you.

[Tarnished]

I am also glad to hear that it went well for the both of you. One thing when reading "The Miracle of Forgiveness" read it with an open mind. Some parts of it can be difficult to handle, so keep an open mind when reading. Some advice I have heard is to start from the end and read the last few chapters first and then start at the beginning.

[applepansy]

Kimiko, I'm happy things went well. The year wait will give you both the time you need to prepare for the covenants you'll be making.

Ask your bishop about Temple Prep classes. You both could attend.

Best Wishes...

[Dravin]

I am also glad to hear that it went well for the both of you. One thing when reading "The Miracle of Forgiveness" read it with an open mind. Some parts of it can be difficult to handle, so keep an open mind when reading. Some advice I have heard is to start from the end and read the last few chapters first and then start at the beginning.

Indeed, most of the book seems designed at helping you feel godly sorrow. Which is a good thing but can be a bit much if you don't keep in mind that that the book is about the Miracle of Forgiveness not simply, "You screwed up bad!"

[bytor2112]

Indeed, most of the book seems designed at helping you feel godly sorrow. Which is a good thing but can be a bit much if you don't keep in mind that that the book is about the Miracle of Forgiveness not simply, "You screwed up bad!"

Yes...read the last two chapters first or maybe read another book, like The Continuous Atonement by Brad Wilcox....excellent read for those struggling with past misdeeds.

[Suzie]

Indeed, most of the book seems designed at helping you feel godly sorrow. Which is a good thing but can be a bit much if you don't keep in mind that that the book is about the Miracle of Forgiveness not simply, "You screwed up bad!"

Thanks for saying that. The way it is written can give that impression and bring the opposite effect. I don't know now but years ago this book was a no-no for missionaries in the field.