Reading the Book of Mormon and anger

[dwgmom]

I come from an emotionally abusive family and I am now married with 3 children: 9, 7 and 3. Part of my family converted to the church when I was 10. Although my dh came from a stable family of 6 we still both really struggle with parenting. I want nothing more than to be a good Mom, it's something I think about almost constantly and how to do that. Our oldest has some issues: Sensory Processing Disorder and ADHD, that were only just diagnosed last year. He's mild enough to slip through the radar yet challenging enough to know that there was something wrong. It really adds a tremendous amount of stress to deal with his issues which would try a parent who had a strong upbringing let alone me.

It's hard when I read the scriptures and pray with my children only to lose my temper later in the day. I am trying *extremely* hard not to repeat my parents' patterns but sometimes I do and sometimes I'm worse. I feel like it's better for me not to read the scriptures with them and pray as they will see the correlation between me and my sometimes harsh behavior and being religious. Any suggestions?

[Gwen]

I come from an emotionally abusive family and I am now married with 3 children: 9, 7 and 3. Part of my family converted to the church when I was 10. Although my dh came from a stable family of 6 we still both really struggle with parenting. I want nothing more than to be a good Mom, it's something I think about almost constantly and how to do that. Our oldest has some issues: Sensory Processing Disorder and ADHD, that were only just diagnosed last year. He's mild enough to slip through the radar yet challenging enough to know that there was something wrong. It really adds a tremendous amount of stress to deal with his issues which would try a parent who had a strong upbringing let alone me.

It's hard when I read the scriptures and pray with my children only to lose my temper later in the day. I am trying *extremely* hard not to repeat my parents' patterns but sometimes I do and sometimes I'm worse. I feel like it's better for me not to read the scriptures with them and pray as they will see the correlation between me and my sometimes harsh behavior and being religious. Any suggestions?

ok so i mostly have questions lol

i don't understand the bold part. you only get angry on the days you read the scriptures? you read the scriptures every day and you get angry every day and you are afraid the kids will connect the two things? are you getting angry about reading the scriptures? if they are both daily events and you aren't angry about the scriptures then i don't know why you would think they will connect them over some other daily activity say... eating breakfast.

is your oldest being treated in any way for the sensory processing or adhd? are you using any methods to address them? i've lived with the adhd i know how that can be. can you describe what the sensory processing is (how it effects daily life)? adhd is often hereditary, do you know who else may have it?

how long has the anger been an issue for you? is it directed at one person more than another? have you found times when it's more difficult to control?

that's all i can think of for now. just not sure i fully understand the situation to be able to say anything remotely helpful. though, i can relate to a lot of your post. adhd has always been part of my life, i have a son with a sensory integration delay (not sure if that's similar or not but first thing i thought of), grew up in an emotionally abusive home (though not as severe as what most think of when they hear the term) and i have 6 kids so i'm not stranger to the stresses they bring. lol

[Wingnut]

No on ever said that reading the scriptures was a guarantee against losing our tempers. I think you're being a bit hard on yourself.

[NeuroTypical]

Hi dwgmom,

I don't really have a solution for you. I can only say that if you struggle with a temper, you're in very good company.

Some things Brigham Young had to say about the issue. Read closely - he looks like he's chastising you, but if you read closely enough, you can see that he's chastising himself.

Many men will say they have a violent temper, and try to excuse themselves for actions of which they are ashamed. I will say, there is not a man in this house who has a more indomitable and unyielding temper than myself. But there is not a man in the world who cannot overcome his passion, if he will struggle earnestly to do so. If you find passion coming on you, go off to some place where you cannot be heard; let none of your family see you or hear you, while it is upon you, but struggle till it leaves you; and pray for strength to overcome. As I have said many times to the Elders, pray in your families; and if, when the time for prayer comes, you have not the spirit of prayer upon you, and your knees are unwilling to bow, say to them, “Knees, get down there”; make them bend, and remain there until you obtain the Spirit of the Lord. If the spirit yields to the body, it becomes corrupt; but if the body yields to the spirit it becomes pure and holy (DBY, 267).

Do not get so angry that you cannot pray; do not allow yourselves to become so angry that you cannot feed an enemy—even your worst enemy, if an opportunity should present itself. There is a wicked anger, and there is a righteous anger. The Lord does not suffer wicked anger to be in his heart; but there is anger in his bosom, and he will hold a controversy with the nations, and will sift them, and no power can stay his hand (DBY, 269).

When my feelings are aroused to anger by the ill-doings of others, I hold them as I would hold a wild horse, and I gain the victory. Some think and say that it makes them feel better when they are mad, as they call it, to give vent to their madness in abusive and unbecoming language. This, however, is a mistake. Instead of its making you feel better, it is making bad worse. When you think and say it makes you better you give credit to a falsehood. When the wrath and bitterness of the human heart are moulded into words and hurled with violence at one another, without any check or hindrance, the fire has no sooner expended itself than it is again re-kindled through some trifling course, until the course of nature is set on fire (DBY, 266).

Now I charge you again, and I charge myself not to get angry. Never let anger arise in your hearts. No, Brigham, never let anger arise in your heart, never, never! Although you may be called upon to chastise and to speak to the people sharply, do not let anger arise in you, no, never! (DBY, 265).

LM

[rameumptom]

Go to the public library and begin reading on parenting, and parenting children with special needs. This new knowledge will give you skills and methods that will help you succeed. Too many fail at parenthood, because they think they only need to have the child and then stumble along at it. You don't have to do that. One studies for years in college to become skilled for work, why not become skilled for parenting?

[Blackmarch]

I come from an emotionally abusive family and I am now married with 3 children: 9, 7 and 3. Part of my family converted to the church when I was 10. Although my dh came from a stable family of 6 we still both really struggle with parenting. I want nothing more than to be a good Mom, it's something I think about almost constantly and how to do that. Our oldest has some issues: Sensory Processing Disorder and ADHD, that were only just diagnosed last year. He's mild enough to slip through the radar yet challenging enough to know that there was something wrong. It really adds a tremendous amount of stress to deal with his issues which would try a parent who had a strong upbringing let alone me.

It's hard when I read the scriptures and pray with my children only to lose my temper later in the day. I am trying *extremely* hard not to repeat my parents' patterns but sometimes I do and sometimes I'm worse. I feel like it's better for me not to read the scriptures with them and pray as they will see the correlation between me and my sometimes harsh behavior and being religious. Any suggestions?

If you lose your temper, go back and apologise for losing your temper. Also let your kids know you love them, let them know you want to do a better job without getting upset.

If we take the time to invite the spirit into our lives, it will help us do better.. even if it's only by little steps at a time.

Edited November 8, 2010 by Blackmarch

[ADoyle90815]

I think finding a therapist would be a good idea, especially one that specializes in recovering from abuse, including emotional abuse. If you prefer a therapist who is also LDS, your bishop can give you a referral. There might even be support groups for parents raising children with special needs, it might be something to look into.

[zippy_do46]

I guess what help me with my anger was realizing that I was the one with the problem. I started working on me. The Church at one time had a course on parenting. As parents we strive to make our children able to make decisions. We hope they are the right decisions, but this is not always the case. There is a learning curve here. We do not want them to suffer the wrong choice. I believe we are doing so at the risk of not showing our children accountability for the wrong choice. We need to teach them the difference between right and wrong. They will be accountable no matter if the choice is right or wrong. We can not always make it "right". Nor should we teach them to blame others for their short comings. Ex. The devil made me do it thoughts. If we do not show them accountability with the small things in life then when they make decisions later on they have nothing to compare to.

"I feel like it's better for me not to read the scriptures with them and pray as they will see the correlation between me and my sometimes harsh behavior and being religious.”

It is my suggestion that you do not stop reading the scriptures and praying with your children. They need to see that you are doing what your Father in Heaven wants you to do. That your actions of working on this problem are helping you be closer to your Heavenly Father. That being religious is a help and not the problem.

In my opinion children learn by example. Isn't this one of the things that you are worried about? That they will learn abusive behavior through your actions and think it is because of religion. The thing to do then would be to work on you. So the example you put forth is something you want them to learn. As parents we need to teach our children love. I believe Love of God, ourselves, our family and love of the Gospel will teach our children values that will help them make a right choice.

My heart goes out to you on your "special needs" child. I agree with Gwen and Rameumptom about every need being different and you need to gain as much knowledge as you can get about your problem and then explore what works on your child. Not everything applies to every child.

dwgmom, it sounds like you know that there was a problem when you were younger. This really is part of the healing. Just you realizing there was a problem. Many never come to this conclusion.

Now comes the hard part, "Forgive yourself and move forward". If you stumble then pick yourself up and go forward. Remember you are a daughter of Heavenly Father. He has sent you help to make it through this life. Prayer and reading the scriptures are both on that list of helps. Do not give up on these sister. They are put there for instruction through those dark times.

Edited November 9, 2010 by zippy_do46