Coming To Terms With My Mission

[beefche]

I am reading these posts with sadness. I can only imagine how hard it is to be a missionary. Today was 6 degrees and I got a call from one of my missionaries while they were out in the cold looking for apartment buildings so they could come in for a bit - and that's just the weather. I can't imagine tracting and dealing with so many negative people, or having such a generally unpleasant missionary experience as the OP.

The one thing I've always wondered about, and didn't want to embarrass my missionaries with, is - how pressured are they to get baptisms? I understand there has been change from they way it was years ago; I get the feeling they really want investigators to know about the Church, they don't shy away from hard topics, etc. But I've also read RM's discussing how many people they got 'dunked.' How rude. I know that all work situations have their own jargon and ways of looking at people outside the work group, but getting people baptized should be something higher.

So, what's the real point of missionary work - spreading the gospel or getting people dunked? What happens if a missionary doesn't have any baptisms? Can they still consider their time a success or have they been failures? Do they get 'credit' for baptisms, with more baptisms resulting in better assignments or staying in one place longer before getting transferred? As a newbie, no one wants to be considered a notch on someone's belt.

The pressures can vary from mission to mission. Each mission is overseen by a mission president and he has a great influence on the missionaries. Some talk about how their mission president stressed getting baptisms, others talk about their mission presidents didn't.

And I also think it's about the missionaries themselves. Some have the mindset that you described--dunking people as a notch on their belt. Others view it completely different.

I have never once viewed baptisms as a measure of success for a missionary. I, personally, am the result of a missionary teaching me and never baptizing me. It took me almost 10 years to get baptized and the missionary that I consider "my" missionary was long gone by then. Yet, his teachings were what helped me gain a testimony. So, when I became a missionary, I knew that my influence would have a far greater impact that what I will ever know on individuals, whether they were baptized or not.

[Gwen]

i wanted to comment on "the unwritten rule of it being positive and if it's not it's your fault...." and the "conspiracy of silence".

that's not just with missions. it's part of mormon culture. i can relate to the feeling and i've never been on a full time mission. as saints we are "commanded to be happy". that's part of the gospel, if we aren't happy then we must not be doing something right... right? it's our job to show the world how much happiness the gospel brings, so when it doesn't we are the ones that are broken. that's a lot of pressure.

i think the principles are true to an extent but we know this life, even with the gospel, won't always be "joy". as lds there is an odd culture around these principles, an almost denial of how hard it can be. we don't talk about the hard parts. we do have a culture of silence. but i don't think god intended it that way. the scriptures don't just talk about the good things, we know how hard it was for the followers. looking at the more recent history, it's been mentioned in this thread, the pioneers had hard times.

this culture of silence is one that has been hard for me. as a mother i've experienced a lot of the same emotions. i think an important thing to learn is when to talk about what. we don't want to give a false impression of who we are on either front, too happy or unhappy. we need to be real, life is a mix of both. it wasn't until i started talking about how hard things were as a mom did other lds moms come forward (the ones that always look and talk like everything is perfect) and admit how hard it was for them. if someone, anyone, had talked about it before then i wouldn't have been so embarrassed and afraid to seek help sooner. i think this culture hurts us and it's time to break that silence.

when i was a kid i was afraid of the dark, i didn't want anyone to know so when i was scared i wouldn't wake anyone up. if there was a dark corner or shadow that was bothering me i couldn't take my eyes off it. i would sit and stare at that shadow or dark corner to the exclusion of being able to look around and see the light in the room. usually if i was awake at night it was cause i had to pee and i would sit frozen till i couldn't hold it anymore. then i would run the bathroom as fast as i could, right back and back to staring at that spot. eventually i realized if there is a shadow there has to be light, look around, find the light. where is it coming from? now i have a point of reference for where i am and what that shadow might really be. i didn't have to be scared anymore. the silence and fear and embarrassment interfere with the good experiences we have. i think we need to break the silence, remove the false reality that everything is grand all the time. then you can be free to stop watching incessantly at the things that scare/hurt you and look at other things. you become free to find the light, see the good around you, the good in the hard times.

i hope coming to the forum will at the very least validate your feelings, give you some courage to speak about it. not in hate or anger but in reality, free you to find the good and see some things as worth it, the things you might be able to change, and just move on to the next place in your life.

[ryanh]

Gwen, that's called human nature and natural tendencies, and exists independent of LDS culture. Just because it exists within the LDS culture does not mean LDS culture causes it. Correlation does not mean causation.

I strongly disagree that LDS culture attempts to stiffle discussion of difficulties. On the contrary!

There may be people within the church that misunderstand, and because they are unable to grasp the how of being happy admist trials, they falteringly attempt to "fake it". That is not LDS culture made though.

You might enjoy a talk where Bruce C. Hafen describes these types of people. The "Level 1" understandings of life. They cannot appropriately deal with the discrepency between reality and ideal, and therefore try to pretend there is no discrepency. See: Love is Not Blind

A second group at level one has quite a different problem with the gap between what is and what ought to be. Those in this category eliminate the frustration created as they sense a distance between the real and the ideal in their world by, in effect, erasing the inner circle of reality. They cling to the ideal so singlemindedly that they are able to avoid feeling the pain that would come from facing the truth about themselves, others, or the world around them.

[carlimac]

Well I just don't know about all this. YES missions are hard. Of course they are. I went on one and it was the harderst thing I had done up to that point, especially because I was 23-25 and would much rather have been married annd having babies by then. Guess what? Motherhood is harder!!

I disagree that there is a conspiracy of silence. What about all the talks in general conference that try to prop us up cause they know we are going through this life that is fraught with all kinds of difficulties. The talks are begging us to put our faith in Christ rather than the accolades of men. When we measure ourselves by numbers (the world) we're sure to fall short at some point. When we measure ourselves by celestial perfection, there is no doubt we'll come up short. But that's where Christ's atonement comes in.

I think every family and every person deals with stress and disappointment differently. Generally I'm a bit of an Eeyore but I have a husband a some of my kids that are optimists by nature. Remarkably, my son who is on mission is usually an Eeyore, too. He's in Colorado where he goes weeks without an investigator to teach. And many of the ones they find toss him and his companion out after a lesson or two. It's just too wealthy and comfortable where he's working. He's gone through a dry spell since Christmas. I was so worried about him. Both my husband and I independently wrote him letters focused on trying to encourage him. He wrote back, "You and Dad both wrote super long letters this week to encourage me. I guess you sensed that I was down from my last letter or something... but don't worry, discouragement hasn't stopped me from working. I know that opposition + faith = miracles. And the miracles have been coming. In the last 3 days, we've received a lot of inspiration on what to do to improve our proselyting. "

He has learned to look on the bright side and to apply faith and a positive attitude to hard times. If this kid can learn to be happy, anyone can!

Edited January 20, 2011 by carlimac

[Gwen]

i find that christian (not just lds) churches tend to have this culture of not speaking of bad things. but i do believe it's very alive and well in our church.

i heard pres hinckley's daughter speak of an exchange between her and her mom once. not a quote but basically she said her mom made raising babies look effortless and fun. she described child birth as a trip to heaven and you come back with an angel in your arms. she went into motherhood totally unprepared. she was unprepared for the pain of child birth, she was unprepared for the sleepless nights with a new born. she said she called her mom in tears feeling like a horrible mother who didn't measure up. after complaining to her mom her mom said something like "yup it's hard, you can't back out now may as well enjoy it" why? most the women with me listening to this laughed. but i found it sad. how did it help her daughter to lie to her? motherhood is hard, child birth hurts. by talking about that women go in prepared, not just expecting it might hurt but how to handle that pain. being prepared is what makes one be able to enjoy the good in the midst of the hard times.

after i had been married a few yrs i had some single friends asking me questions about married life. i said something less than flattering about marriage, like it being hard or something, and later a sister who had been married a lot longer than me who heard the conversation told me i shouldn't have said that. "you don't want it to sound bad then they will be afraid to get married".... what? are you serious, let's not tell them marriage is work cause then they may not want to get married? so we send them in unprepared and let them flounder? well i know what that's like, it's what happened to me so if i can better advise someone to not make the same mistakes why wouldn't i?

i heard another sister talk (only after i complained that i never hear sisters talk about how hard it is) about her daughter calling her up while her kids were young crying saying things like "mom i just can't do this. i'm a failure. i'm not as good a mother as you. i can't keep it all together, this is so hard." that's when the mom told the daughter that nearly every night, after all the kids were asleep, she would go into the bathroom, run a hot bath, get in and cry her eyes out. then she would get out and go to bed and get up the next day, paste on a smile and do it all again. do i think she should have put that weight on her daughter when she was a kid? no. but how did she help her daughter prepare for motherhood by doing that? why keep it a secret till your daughter is so distraught and sad she is no longer embarrassed to admit her failure?

are we tricking ppl into getting married and having kids?

and yes i've had lessons where i was instructed to "fake it". if you don't feel fulfilled in your calling, fake it, the lord will eventually bless you to love it. if you don't feel confident about the bishop's decision, fake it. follow him and do as he instructs and show complete support and the lord will bless you and show you it's right. if you don't love the sisters you are required to visiting teach, fake it, do all you can for them and the lord will change your heart to love them.

it may be human nature for some but our church (and many christian churches) encourage it. it needs to stop.

do we need to all become gloomy gus' and hate life? no. all i'm saying is be real, teach the truth. catch phrases like "i never said it would be easy. i only said it would be worth it" mean little if we don't attempt to prepare ppl for the realities of this life.

[ryanh]

are we tricking ppl into getting married and having kids?

Absoutely not!!! Name me one talk by a general authority on marriage that doesn't mention that successful marriage is hard work. Dang, even Spencer Kimball's talk in 1976 on Marriage and Divorce is rife with all sorts of references to how hard and how much work a good, happy marriage is.

I for one am glad that those who are spokespersons for the church are real, and speak the truth. Esp when it comes to the real topic of this thread - the difficulties of missions. I had only been a member about 2 years when I put in my papers to serve. There was NO question that a mission would be very hard. The truth was out there and plainly taught ahead of time.

[carlimac]

So Gwen, what do you suggest we actually say to our daughters about marriage, childbirth and motherhood? And how about our sons (and daughters if the case may be)? What do you think we should tell them about missions?

Perhaps Sister Hinckley really did love childbirth. I know other women who do. I actually LOVED being pregnant (after the first few months) and would rather be pregnant than potty train a two year old. I'd rather hold a soft, sleepy sweet smelling newborn than wash teenagers stinky socks and underwear and argue with them about cell phone usage. BUT I'd rather argue with my teenager than not have any children at all.

My babies were all pretty easy for the first several months. They were content and consolable. They didn't sleep perfectly but I managed to get enough sleep to stay alive. I was bone tired and in a fog a lot of the time but I just figured that came with the territory. Well, my daughter had her first chld and he was a horrible newborn. He had colic and would scream for hours at a time. I didn't have any personal experience that could have prepared my daughter for that. No one could. That's something you just have to learn by going through. She worried and cried and called me for help all the time. But he's now over that and he's a delightful 9 month old. And she's super baby hungry again already! The really tough, negative experience she had with childbirth (it was awful- I was there!) and the first 4-5 months of her child's life didn't turn her off. She's ready and willing to do it again. She was made stronger, (says me) by having that experience and learning from it. Who knows what the next experience will bring? A child with a handicap, a child that dies...every rotten thing is a possibility. I'm pretty sure most women know that. But there are relatively few that say, I wish I had never done this.

It's pretty hard for me to imagine Sister Hinckley's daughter went into motherhood without having any idea it would be a challenge. But even after she found out how hard it was, I bet she still wouldn't give it up for the world.

I just don't see the point in spilling all the dirt about the tough stuff in life for our kids. It might not turn out as dreadful for them as it has been for us. Or it might be worse (like my daughter's experience) Why scare and intimidate them? I don't equate "preparing" our children with casting a gloomy cloud over adult life. Do YOU really want to know ahead of time all the hardships that lie ahead. It should be enough for us to take on the advice to put our faith and trust in the Savior and prepare for life's ups and downs- then come what may.

Edited January 20, 2011 by carlimac

[carlimac]

If you want a good vignette of the pressures put on missionaries, take a look at this blog post and read the comments.

How to create a fake investigator

I find this guy's attitude really selfish and immature. I'm not the only one apparently from the comments. I'm no Pollyanna. I hated the number's game as much as the next missionary. Still do. But to lie and fabricate false numbers I'm sure didn't help with the honest REAL missionary work. I'm sure he didn't get mych help from the Spirit. No wonder he wasn't very successful.

[Gwen]

Absoutely not!!! Name me one talk by a general authority on marriage that doesn't mention that successful marriage is hard work. Dang, even Spencer Kimball's talk in 1976 on Marriage and Divorce is rife with all sorts of references to how hard and how much work a good, happy marriage is.

I for one am glad that those who are spokespersons for the church are real, and speak the truth. Esp when it comes to the real topic of this thread - the difficulties of missions. I had only been a member about 2 years when I put in my papers to serve. There was NO question that a mission would be very hard. The truth was out there and plainly taught ahead of time.

i just finished reading the first talk you posted. i enjoyed it, i'm going to read it again without so many distractions. i do think our principles, the doctrine, tells things will be hard. it's not "the church" i think is hiding things but the culture that has grown within it. i'm glad to know that not every area is hiding reality, but it still happens more than it should. there should be some understanding when someone has experienced it.

So Gwen, what do you suggest we actually say to our daughters about marriage, childbirth and motherhood? And how about our sons (and daughters if the case may be)? What do you think we should tell them about missions?

Perhaps Sister Hinckley really did love childbirth. I know other women who do. I actually LOVED being pregnant (after the first few months) and would rather be pregnant than potty train a two year old. I'd rather hold a soft, sleepy sweet smelling newborn than wash teenagers stinky socks and underwear and argue with them about cell phone usage. BUT I'd rather argue with my teenager than not have any children at all.

It's pretty hard for me to imagine Sister Hinckley's daughter went into motherhood without having any idea it would be a challenge. But even after she found out how hard it was, I bet she still wouldn't give it up for the world.

I just don't see the point in spilling all the dirt about the tough stuff in life for our kids. It might not turn out as dreadful for them as it has been for us. Why scare and intimidate them? I don't equate "preparing" our children with casting a gloomy cloud over adult life. Do YOU really want to know ahead of time all the hardships that lie ahead. It should be enough for us to take on the advice to put our faith and trust in the Savior and prepare for life's ups and downs- then come what may.

i have to mention something i didn't before and that is sis hinckley's daughter spoke of the experience without anger or hurt, it was a "fun" story she was sharing on her mom, she seemed to have a wonderful relationship with her mother. i don't want to mis-characterize her.

i'm not talking about "spilling all the dirt about the tough stuff in life on our kids" and i did say that's not what i was advocating. i'm talking proper education as they are ready and as appropriate. i don't want to cast a gloomy cloud over anything, and i said that already. but share the truth.

yes if i could i would want to know what was coming. if i know what's coming i can deal with it. if you read what i wrote i'm not advocating scaring or intimidating anyone. i'm talking about balance, truth, sharing the joys and what's hard. when someone is ready for that.

i don't suggest my husband tell my 9 yr old who struggles to eat his vegies about all the weird things he was served on his mission. at 9 he's not ready to deal with that part of the reality (food is a stressful issue for him), he will decide he doesn't want to go and that will be it. i don't think we need to be dream killers. but i do think by the time he's 16 or 17 if he's still this insanely picky it's time to start seriously talking about it, challenge him to take one bite of something before he knows what it is. prepare him for the realities of others feeding you. at the same time he needs to understand sometimes no one will feed them, he needs to know how to cook on a budget and basics. that's preparation at the right time, when he's capable of processing what you are telling him.

[carlimac]

Gwen, I agree. That kind of preparation is vital for them.

I don't see that we aren't preparing our kids for the realities of missions and life. But I DO see many adult members of the church ( and this could include some mission presidents) who want to come off looking good and who have a successful air about them that is artificial. Maybe that's why they pressure their missionaries so hard- so they can appear as if they have been successful themselves. Just a hunch. I think as members of the church we have a hard time letting our failures become public. I see this much more living in the west than I did in the midwest. For one thing, the women out here wear so much more make-up and jewelry than they did in Minnesota. It's interesting to watch. We had a YW mom/daughter activity on makeup and hair. If anything it deterred me from wanting to wear makeup. I had such an urge to wipe that stuff off the pretty girl who was demonstrating makeup and see what she really looked like underneath. And what they do to hair around here is just horrific. Girls as young as 10 and 12 are already coloring, teasing, hairspraying to the point that all they will have left at age 20 is dried up, frizzed out string.

I hate to think that our intense desire to look good to those around us would be the cause of all this uber focus on appearances. But my guess is that somewhere down the line, this is a quirky spin off from the deep felt desire to be and do all we can do attain the celestial kingdom. Just my theory.

[dahlia]

Wow. The 'creating an investigator' article was beyond sad. I understand this are young people who will not always follow orders, or who want to see a bit of the country they are in, etc., but to be so calculating about creating investigators does not speak well for the process.

It seems that much of the fabrication comes about because of mission presidents or other persons in charge of the missionary. Is this just a human thing of wanting to look good to their superiors or is there pressure of SLC on everybody all the way down the line?

One of the comments mentioned a "three weeks to baptism model." How can anyone decide to change their religion (or get one) in 3 weeks? What kind of convert do you get with that model? I realize they don't want people who are investigating for years, but 3 weeks and baptized? I wouldn't feel honest with myself if I did something like that. No wonder people fall away - they were never 'there' to begin with.

I love my missionaries, but I'm beginning to get a bad taste in my mouth.

[Jason_J]

Wow. The 'creating an investigator' article was beyond sad. I understand this are young people who will not always follow orders, or who want to see a bit of the country they are in, etc., but to be so calculating about creating investigators does not speak well for the process.

It seems that much of the fabrication comes about because of mission presidents or other persons in charge of the missionary. Is this just a human thing of wanting to look good to their superiors or is there pressure of SLC on everybody all the way down the line?

One of the comments mentioned a "three weeks to baptism model." How can anyone decide to change their religion (or get one) in 3 weeks? What kind of convert do you get with that model? I realize they don't want people who are investigating for years, but 3 weeks and baptized? I wouldn't feel honest with myself if I did something like that. No wonder people fall away - they were never 'there' to begin with.

I love my missionaries, but I'm beginning to get a bad taste in my mouth.

Yeah, that article and the comments are very off-putting. I hope it's all just satire.

[carlimac]

Wow. The 'creating an investigator' article was beyond sad. I understand this are young people who will not always follow orders, or who want to see a bit of the country they are in, etc., but to be so calculating about creating investigators does not speak well for the process.

It seems that much of the fabrication comes about because of mission presidents or other persons in charge of the missionary. Is this just a human thing of wanting to look good to their superiors or is there pressure of SLC on everybody all the way down the line?

One of the comments mentioned a "three weeks to baptism model." How can anyone decide to change their religion (or get one) in 3 weeks? What kind of convert do you get with that model? I realize they don't want people who are investigating for years, but 3 weeks and baptized? I wouldn't feel honest with myself if I did something like that. No wonder people fall away - they were never 'there' to begin with.

I love my missionaries, but I'm beginning to get a bad taste in my mouth.

There are bad apples in every bunch. It doesn't make the church any less true just because some lazy, immature young men areout there. They'll get their "reward" eventually. I'd rather get bad stats than lie and then have to face my maker about it.

[Nathan6329]

It's great to serve a mission but overall I don't know if it helps you with your faith anymore because all it does is create obsession in you to believe you have to rely on God for everything and not your own personal beliefs.

However, the mission is for serving others so if you helped anyone out there who needed it than it is not a failure, but I haven't and never will serve a mission myself.

[rameumptom]

Nathan,

How can you really say what occurs on a mission, or the experience the individual has, if you have never served yourself? Your opinion is based upon no experience whatsoever.

I did serve a mission, and can say that it DID build my faith. I had many very special spiritual experiences on my mission that strengthened that testimony. My mission had many difficulties in it, and these taught me to endure well to the end.

You obviously do not understand how the Spirit works within a person, if you only think a person builds up an obsession. To be a faithful LDS is not the same as having OCD, nor a "frenzied mind" (Alma 30).

I do rely on God for all things. But that has nothing to do with my mission, which I completed over 30 years ago. The Lord has given me spiritual experiences over the years that have cemented my faith, and filled me with joy and hope as I serve God and my fellow man.

In seeing your response, I am not surprised you do not plan on serving a mission. While I do not know you, I've known many young men with such an attitude. They think LDS missionaries are obsessed and crazy to waste 2 years of their lives. Instead, they believe there is greater value in spending the time focused upon their own selfish lives. Later in life, many find that such shallow thinking does not bring true happiness, and they change their minds, becoming as obsessed about serving the Lord, but sad they did not choose to serve a mission.

[Nathan6329]

I'm choosing not to serve a mission because I don't want to, plain and simple.

I know I can't do it and I would either quit before the training was over or get kicked out so why waste my time? Missions aren't required.

[MichaelCraig]

May I ask what your spiritual goals are Nathan? Also, how do you plan to obtain them? When growth stops, decay begins....plain and simple.

[Guest mormonmusic]

My mission experience was extremely hard. For at least 10 years thereafter I would periodically have nightmares that I was called on a second mission (even though I was married!). It would shake me for days as a result. So, let me reassure you, I understand that not all missions are pleasant experiences filled with happy memories.

But I wouldn't for one second insinuate it was a failure, waste of time, or scramble to try to justify it with 'I guess I found some friends and grew up'. Your experience is what you make of it. You can either run from it, or learn from it.

I have had the same experience RyanH. They are nightmares!!! To be called again. I was fortunate to serve in a part of the world where teaching appointments were plentiful and the spiritual experiences many, but still, it was hard to wake up everyday knowing there was a long day of rejection ahead of us, sprinkled with receptive people and a few kind members.

Still, I'm glad I did it.

[prophetofdoom]

I had a difficult experience with my mission as well. After my mission, I went inactive for a few years and struggled with trying to find the reason I went. I can tell you that the Lord has a reason for everything he does. He has a perfect plan and if you allow him to mold you, he will make you a better person.. if you want to. I am currently active and have a stronger testimony then ever of our Savior and his divine mission. The Lord answered my prayers on the question I had about my mission.. he wanted to teach me and mold me into a stronger person. The Lord molded me with my mission and gave me the pattern of righteous living so I would know how to do it when I came back to the church years later.

Stay strong. The Lord will provide the answers you seek with patience.

[jackmormon]

Congratulations on persevering to the end. I would never call your two years wasted time, and undoubtedly within a few years you will begin to realize this. I served a mission in which I feel like I wasted some time and was productive at other times. Like you I was pressured to make good numbers, but what I came to realize is that it doesn't matter how righteous somebody is, or what calling they hold, ultimately you are responsible for yourself and you have to do what you feel is right. My last two months as a missionary were my most successful, not because I was more experienced, but because I finally decided that the missionary rules, schedule, and teaching system were written for the lowest common denominator (for the biggest idiot out there). I didn't do anything that would be considered un-missionary, but I did do whatever I felt was right regardless of what others pressured me to do. you can't go back and change your mission, but don't live in regret. Grab ahold of your life starting now: accept responsibility for your life, everything you get is what you deserve, and do what you feel is right regardless of what others might persuade you to do.

[classylady]

I too served a mission, and it was very difficult. At my mission farewell, I remember my older brother, in his talk, telling me, "If you knew how hard this is going to be, you probably wouldn't go". And maybe I'm a Pollyanna, yet with all the hardship and difficulties, I can still say "It was the best two years" (1 1/2 years actually) of my life. I loved the people I served, even though most of them didn't get baptized. I loved my companions, even though we definitely had our differences. I loved my mission president, even though he was very opinionated with certain areas of the gospel. None of us are perfect. Our leaders aren't perfect. The Lord uses us as his tools--imperfect tools to further His work. Even if you only had one convert, (and that convert may be you, yourself), then your mission was successful. I commend all the missionaries who persevere and complete their missions. That in-of-itself is success. Missionaries are sent to serve. And sometimes, it may be a companion that you will be serving--helping them with their own struggles and weaknesses. And for me, one of the most difficult parts of my mission was learning, very clearly from my companions, just what my weaknesses were.

I remember a particularly very difficult time while on my mission. No need to go into particulars, but I was feeling so down, unloved, and with an overall feeling of not accomplishing anything. I was on my knees, and praying so hard for comfort and guidance. While I was praying, I literally felt someone give me a hug, but no one was in the room with me. After that experience, circumstances didn't get any better, but I knew that I wasn't alone, and I knew that the Lord was mindful of my joys and sorrows. There were other times when I prayed for help and guidance, but didn't receive that same sort of assurance. Sometimes, our faith needs to be strengthened. And the Lord will answer our prayers in the best way for us, not the way we particularly want them answered.

I came home from my mission with an absolute conviction and testimony of the truthfulness of the gospel. I wish I could say that with that testimony came a person who lived a perfect life. But, unfortunately I made and still make mistakes in my life. But, I know who my Savior is. I know where to turn for comfort. I know repentance and the atonement are real. That was the greatest blessing of my mission--my testimony. I wouldn't trade that for anything.