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Dating in the Church.

FunkyTown
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FunkyTown

FunkyTown

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Dating, the intro

I have lived a few places during my 9 years in the church. I have seen the church in London, England, Vancouver, Toronto and even Edmonton. It's really true what they say - The church is the same all over.

And all over, dating is broken in the church.

I have heard the same complaints from both women and men: Nobody is interested in them. Nobody is dating. Everyone's afraid to date someone in case someone thinks they're exclusive. Because of this, I thought it would be interesting to make a post on dating and offer advice.

First of all, people in the church are crazy.

This may seem a negative, but it's actually a real positive. 90% of everyone in the church who's single, from the most embittered and angry-at-dating to the flirtiest most outgoing and happy person, want the same two things:

1) They want someone who is spiritual and dependable, loving and respectful, strong in the church and who wants eventually to go to the temple.

Most guys who are openly obvious as that are also some of the most boring, least interesting people in the world. Like a dependable dog, many view this person as 'The perfect date, for my friend x.' Very often, they end up being the 'Sweet spirit' that everyone loves and nobody wants to date.

2) They want someone exciting and intense, funny and unpredictable, romantic and fun and a great kisser. This is the wild person, who you know will sweep you off your feet and take you on a great ride.

This is the person guys and girls dream of, but are often intimidated by and often find themselves not trusting in the church. If you're obviously this person, then you often make others feel like you don't take your spirituality seriously, or you intimidate them. Because of this, if you are this person, you can often lose out on relationships. Most women want the guy they're attracted to to throw them over their shoulder viking style and carry them off. Most men want the woman who is flirty and touchy-feely. The problem is, however, that the guy who is alpha most of the time is a 'Playa' and the girl who is constantly flirty to everyone is often intimidating.

Both of these seemingly incompatible desires exist in most people in the church. The obvious answer is, of course:

To find one person you like and then be like that towards them.

The obvious answer is wrong. The people who do this to just one person often come off as needy, puppy-dogs that latch on to one person and won't let them go.

And so, it seems as if dating is a near insurmountable obstacle: People who are flirty are intimidating, people who aren't flirty aren't interested. People who are entirely devoted to spirituality are boring. People aren't entirely devoted to spirituality are flighty.

******************************

Hope for the future

All is not lost, however: All of these seemingly schizophrenic desires we want in the church where it comes to dating partners can be overcome with just one thing: Overcoming that initial bump and building attraction. Once attraction is built, those barriers often disappear. It may seem insurmountable, but if you are having a problem with dating, know this: You come from a long line of genetic winners. From literally the beginning of time, your genetic line has managed to find someone to date and pass on their genetic code. You can not lose. Just remember a few basic things:

1) Don't look like everyone else - This can mean anything; You can either be the six foot, four inch jock with the perfect biceps or the guy who wears cutting edge fashion. Unless you're the perfect 10, showing up in a brown superdry shirt with a pair of jeans isn't going to cut it. Be different. Catch the eye of those you want to date.

2) Do flirt - Honestly, guys. If you're the one who shows up, politely talks about the weather for six months and then tells a girl in a shy voice that you like them, you're going to creep 99% of all girls out. Sure, they'll say it's cute, but they'll say it's cute in the way that a dog is cute. If they haven't been thinking of you romantically, telling them 'By the way, think of me romantically now' will just weird them out. The same goes for guys. Unless they've been thinking of you romantically, either because you are drop-dead gorgeous or flirty, they won't ask you out.

3) Be decisive - Nothing is less sexy than someone who doesn't have an opinion on anything. You can be flexible and respectful and still be decisive. Have an opinion. Care about things. Just because you're a pacifist doesn't mean you have to be passive.

With those things, you can at least build the twinkling of attraction. Without that, your relationship will never actually become a relationship.

There are more specifics, but I've decided to do a blog about this and post this to get people's thoughts. What do you think?

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beefche

beefche

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I think a major obstacle of dating in the church is this whole idea that one date is equivalent to exclusive dating.

In my experience, it seems that if a girl goes out once with a guy and she really likes him, if she finds out he went out with another girl, he's a player, she's a witch for "stealing" him, and the marriage is off.

I truly don't understand that line of thinking. Obviously at some point the dating has to be exclusive, but certainly no one can or should decide after one date that he/she is THE ONE.

And because of that line of thinking, there is ALOT of pressure in just asking someone out, or accepting an invitation, or going out. So, I think too many succumb to the pressure and just avoid it altogether.

Edited by beefche
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Saldrin

Saldrin

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Good post, I have been trying to expand my interest to include stuff that i touched when i was young. i want to get back into music singing and instruments for example. doing something other then going to a movie. i am hoping by improving myself in those areas, I could attract attention of someone i could really like.:D

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bytor2112

bytor2112

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They want someone exciting and intense=Bytor..... funny and unpredictable=Bytor.... romantic and fun=Bytor..... and a great kisser= Bytor again. This is the wild person, who you know will sweep you off your feet and take you on a great ride....all=Bytor!!

Great job...Funky! You forget devastatingly handsome and powerfully built :)

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dahlia

dahlia

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They want someone exciting and intense=Bytor..... funny and unpredictable=Bytor.... romantic and fun=Bytor..... and a great kisser= Bytor again. This is the wild person, who you know will sweep you off your feet and take you on a great ride....all=Bytor!!

Great job...Funky! You forget devastatingly handsome and powerfully built :)

So Bytor, how old are you and could you see yourself living in Iowa?:lol:

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Guest The_Real_Enigma

Guest The_Real_Enigma

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People who are flirty are intimidating, people who aren't flirty aren't interested. People who are entirely devoted to spirituality are boring. People aren't entirely devoted to spirituality are flighty.

You forgot to add "shy people are seen as wimps or mama's boys and recluses are seen as potential serial killers." I know because I am both shy and reclusive and that is how people have treated me, mostly the seudo jocks in the church treat me as a wimp and the elder brotheren and or sisters think I am going to end up a serial killler.

Great job...Funky! You forget devastatingly handsome and powerfully built

Well that leaves me out, I'm neither handsome or powerfully built. Why else would I wear a mask, I don't want people to gouge their eyes out. Makes going to the bank very difficult though, people always look at me like I'm going to hold them up.

Anyway in my old ward I never saw the sisters go for anyone who wasn't lean and mean, and I do mean, "MEAN! I went to church with some of the meanest people alive, including my Bishop.

Edited by The_Real_Enigma
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Guest

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And I still profess - Dating is Overrated.

Have tons of friends! Be Yourself! If they don't like it - TOUGH. As long as you know Jesus does. :) Eventually, you'll find the guy/gal who loves you for who you are. Freckles and hormonal mood swings and all.

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FunkyTown

FunkyTown

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You forgot to add "shy people are seen as wimps or mama's boys and recluses are seen as potential serial killers." I know because I am both shy and reclusive and that is how people have treated me, mostly the seudo jocks in the church treat me as a wimp and the elder brotheren and or sisters think I am going to end up a serial killler.

Well that leaves me out, I'm neither handsome or powerfully built. Why else would I wear a mask, I don't want people to gouge their eyes out. Makes going to the bank very difficult though, people always look at me like I'm going to hold them up.

Anyway in my old ward I never saw the sisters go for anyone who wasn't lean and mean, and I do mean, "MEAN! I went to church with some of the meanest people alive, including my Bishop.

I am going to help, Enigma! Or at least I hope to. I am going to give some constructive criticism and I hope you take it in the spirit of change.

If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten.

With that in mind...

Dude - Lighten up. You come across as emotionally needy; One of those spiritual vampires who desperately needs people to say 'No - You're not so bad. You're handsome. You're fun. You're good.' and. when they do, you tell them how very wrong they are.

When you say things like 'suedo-jocks'(sic), you show a serious contempt for the people around you. I recognize it's a defense mechanism - Hate everyone around you and blame them before they can blame you - But it's not healthy. It destroys you spiritually, like a cancer, and prevents you from honestly loving either them or yourself. People care about you, but the way you act, you suck positive emotion from a room as you need self-affirmation. You can blame that on your parents, or your siblings, or anyone else - The truth is that you are who you are because you choose to be.

You've mentioned that you want to become a hermit and recluse. Those very words carry negative connotations. If you truly wanted it, you wouldn't discuss it. You'd simply become the sweet, doddering old man who occasionally comes in to town and spends all day puttering about in his garden. You'd say 'I like having me time.' There would be no conflict. No need for drama by posting that you're going to be a hermit and recluse.

Lastly, Enigma, anything you want - Anything - Is within your grasp. If you choose to have a relationship, you can. If you choose to spend life as a confirmed bachelor, you can. Where you go from now on is your choice. You're loved. You're not alone. Don't chase away everyone with negativity - Nobody wants to be around that guy, and I'm darn sure nobody wants to be that guy.

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Guest The_Real_Enigma

Guest The_Real_Enigma

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I am going to help, Enigma! Or at least I hope to. I am going to give some constructive criticism and I hope you take it in the spirit of change.

If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten.

With that in mind...

Dude - Lighten up. You come across as emotionally needy; One of those spiritual vampires who desperately needs people to say 'No - You're not so bad. You're handsome. You're fun. You're good.' and. when they do, you tell them how very wrong they are.

When you say things like 'suedo-jocks'(sic), you show a serious contempt for the people around you. I recognize it's a defense mechanism - Hate everyone around you and blame them before they can blame you - But it's not healthy. It destroys you spiritually, like a cancer, and prevents you from honestly loving either them or yourself. People care about you, but the way you act, you suck positive emotion from a room as you need self-affirmation. You can blame that on your parents, or your siblings, or anyone else - The truth is that you are who you are because you choose to be.

You've mentioned that you want to become a hermit and recluse. Those very words carry negative connotations. If you truly wanted it, you wouldn't discuss it. You'd simply become the sweet, doddering old man who occasionally comes in to town and spends all day puttering about in his garden. You'd say 'I like having me time.' There would be no conflict. No need for drama by posting that you're going to be a hermit and recluse.

Lastly, Enigma, anything you want - Anything - Is within your grasp. If you choose to have a relationship, you can. If you choose to spend life as a confirmed bachelor, you can. Where you go from now on is your choice. You're loved. You're not alone. Don't chase away everyone with negativity - Nobody wants to be around that guy, and I'm darn sure nobody wants to be that guy.

Sheesh no one appreciates sarcasm anymore, what's this world coming too?:huh:

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