Cheating

[Guest JustAnotherGirl]

Careful with the word "clarification." it's unfair to ask that when it comes to personal matters. Doctrine, yes, personal, no.

Yes! Thank you. I talked to my bishop, I told him what I needed to tell him. I don't need to tell everyone else in the world. Seriously.

Here's what The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints ( Repentance ) says on repentance. (Note that it says to confess serious transgression to His priesthood authority. It doesn't say we must confess to anyone else)

Confession. “He that covereth his sins shall not prosper: but whoso confesseth and forsaketh them shall have mercy” (Proverbs 28:13). Essential to forgiveness is a willingness to disclose fully to our Heavenly Father all that we have done. We must kneel before Him in humble prayer, acknowledging our sins. We confess our shame and guilt, and then plead for help.

Serious transgressions, such as violations of the law of chastity, may jeopardize a person's membership in the Church. Therefore, such sins need to be confessed to both the Lord and His priesthood representatives in the Church. This is done under the care of a bishop or branch president and possibly a stake or mission president, who serve as watchmen and judges in the Church. While only the Lord can forgive sins, these priesthood leaders play a critical role in the process of repentance. They will keep confessions confidential and help throughout the process of repentance.

[ryanh]

I know the prophets say you should tell your husband

Yet, you will turn around in the next sentence and advocate ignoring prophetic counsel? Seriously? wow

My bishop told me I didn't need to tell my husband what we did. So I won't. It seems very counterproductive and hurtful to tell my husband.

Good advice. Yes, my husband may find out, but I still don't think I should tell him at this point.

My bishop told me I didn't need to tell my husband what I did with the man.

As your Bishop is not here to give his side, and the side you have presented is contradictory to counsel given by leadership since Joseph Smith, it is more believable to internet observers that you are either mistaken in your understanding of what your Bishop said, or . . . ? But, as a disinterested observer, I refuse to admit hearsay of a highly questionable nature into my considerations of what really is going on.

[and for any readers that may wonder if confessing to their spouse after cheating on them is advisable or not, this thread and the hearsay of one recounting is not prudent to be relied upon]

How is it you have justified in your mind that you did not "offend" your husband with your choices and actions? Or, if you do believe that you have "offended" by cheating on him, how do you justify not confessing to those offended? How is it you can come to terms with the repentance requirement to confess to those offended, but not do so?

Clearly, your confession to your Bishop was not sufficient to clear your conscious. Else why would you come onto a forum and broadcast your sins to thousands? Something is compelling you to act on confessing. But you are doing it in a "safe" way to people that have not as directly been offended by your actions as your husband. Seems like misplaced efforts to me. I'm guessing you haven't fully found the relief you were looking for in this course of action. It's a good first step, but, really, your efforts should be focused where it truly matters.

“He that covereth his sins shall not prosper: but whoso confesseth and forsaketh them shall have mercy” (Proverbs 28:13).

Yet another rhetorical question for you to ponder - how do you reconcile your choice to hide (cover) your sin that it be not known with the above scripture? Do you think that confessing to someone, (including internet strangers) fully overrides the "covering" you are doing in not telling he who has the most right to know?

Your husband will know eventually. You may keep it a secret until your grave, but that won't stop him from knowing eventually. How do you think his reaction will be then knowing that the intervening years were built on a falsehood?

One last thought - if you think that the revealing of this matter will hurt your marriage, and if that is in fact true, do you think that the adversary will really assist you in keeping it secret? No, he will bring it to light at the worst possible time, when it will cause the most damage to your relationship. Better for you to control the timing than for other forces to do so on your behalf.

"Tell It All, Tell It Early, Tell It Yourself"

Lanny Davis, Clinton White House memoir: Truth To Tell

[Guest fairysha]

Cheating is an act of lying, deception, fraud, trickery, imposture, or imposition. Cheating characteristically is employed to create an unfair advantage, usually in one's own interest, and often at the expense of others, Cheating implies the breaking of s.ccording to my spouse there is nothing wrong with “innocent flirtations” or having members of the opposite sex as close friends.

[Guest JustAnotherGirl]

Yet, you will turn around in the next sentence and advocate ignoring prophetic counsel? Seriously? wow

As your Bishop is not here to give his side, and the side you have presented is contradictory to counsel given by leadership since Joseph Smith, it is more believable to internet observers that you are either mistaken in your understanding of what your Bishop said, or . . . ? But, as a disinterested observer, I refuse to admit hearsay of a highly questionable nature into my considerations of what really is going on.

[and for any readers that may wonder if confessing to their spouse after cheating on them is advisable or not, this thread and the hearsay of one recounting is not prudent to be relied upon]

How is it you have justified in your mind that you did not "offend" your husband with your choices and actions? Or, if you do believe that you have "offended" by cheating on him, how do you justify not confessing to those offended? How is it you can come to terms with the repentance requirement to confess to those offended, but not do so?

Clearly, your confession to your Bishop was not sufficient to clear your conscious. Else why would you come onto a forum and broadcast your sins to thousands? Something is compelling you to act on confessing. But you are doing it in a "safe" way to people that have not as directly been offended by your actions as your husband. Seems like misplaced efforts to me. I'm guessing you haven't fully found the relief you were looking for in this course of action. It's a good first step, but, really, your efforts should be focused where it truly matters.

Yet another rhetorical question for you to ponder - how do you reconcile your choice to hide (cover) your sin that it be not known with the above scripture? Do you think that confessing to someone, (including internet strangers) fully overrides the "covering" you are doing in not telling he who has the most right to know?

Your husband will know eventually. You may keep it a secret until your grave, but that won't stop him from knowing eventually. How do you think his reaction will be then knowing that the intervening years were built on a falsehood?

One last thought - if you think that the revealing of this matter will hurt your marriage, and if that is in fact true, do you think that the adversary will really assist you in keeping it secret? No, he will bring it to light at the worst possible time, when it will cause the most damage to your relationship. Better for you to control the timing than for other forces to do so on your behalf.

Whatever.

My conscience is clearly okay with not telling my husband.

If my husband finds out eventually, I am okay with it. I don't feel right about telling him, though.

It appears there is a difference of perspectives here.

[Guest JustAnotherGirl]

Yet, you will turn around in the next sentence and advocate ignoring prophetic counsel? Seriously? wow

As your Bishop is not here to give his side, and the side you have presented is contradictory to counsel given by leadership since Joseph Smith, it is more believable to internet observers that you are either mistaken in your understanding of what your Bishop said, or . . . ? But, as a disinterested observer, I refuse to admit hearsay of a highly questionable nature into my considerations of what really is going on.

[and for any readers that may wonder if confessing to their spouse after cheating on them is advisable or not, this thread and the hearsay of one recounting is not prudent to be relied upon]

How is it you have justified in your mind that you did not "offend" your husband with your choices and actions? Or, if you do believe that you have "offended" by cheating on him, how do you justify not confessing to those offended? How is it you can come to terms with the repentance requirement to confess to those offended, but not do so?

Clearly, your confession to your Bishop was not sufficient to clear your conscious. Else why would you come onto a forum and broadcast your sins to thousands? Something is compelling you to act on confessing. But you are doing it in a "safe" way to people that have not as directly been offended by your actions as your husband. Seems like misplaced efforts to me. I'm guessing you haven't fully found the relief you were looking for in this course of action. It's a good first step, but, really, your efforts should be focused where it truly matters.

Yet another rhetorical question for you to ponder - how do you reconcile your choice to hide (cover) your sin that it be not known with the above scripture? Do you think that confessing to someone, (including internet strangers) fully overrides the "covering" you are doing in not telling he who has the most right to know?

Your husband will know eventually. You may keep it a secret until your grave, but that won't stop him from knowing eventually. How do you think his reaction will be then knowing that the intervening years were built on a falsehood?

One last thought - if you think that the revealing of this matter will hurt your marriage, and if that is in fact true, do you think that the adversary will really assist you in keeping it secret? No, he will bring it to light at the worst possible time, when it will cause the most damage to your relationship. Better for you to control the timing than for other forces to do so on your behalf.

Seriously, it appears you don't know as much as, perhaps you think you do. Don't quit your day job, you're not going to make it as a mind reader. Also, I haven't seen anything, anywhere or heard anything other than opinions of certain individuals, that says I must tell my spouse everything. I told my bishop everything. He said I don't need to tell my husband. My bishop is His priesthood representative for me. I still have my temple recommend. You don't have all the facts. And you don't need them.

Why did I come to the advice board? To confess? No. To find answers? Yes. That's what I was looking for. That's what, I'd imagine, others are looking for, also.

That's all I have to say to you, ryanh.

[ryanh]

"I must have hit her pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh, kid?"

Feeble attempts like that are not persusive in leading one off the trail. It makes the truth all the more obvious.

I am sure glad I'm not married to you! I tend to agree with the comments of another person on the other active "won't confess to my spouse" thread. You don't have a marriage. All you have right now is a lie.

[Guest JustAnotherGirl]

.[/QUO

We may disagree about a lot, but I wouldn't want to be married to you, either.

Ya, I know you secretly wanted to ask me to marry you, but the answer is, "No." Just kidding on you wanting to ask me that. Wouldn't that be awful? AK!

[MorningStar]

Years ago I had a roommate who kept telling me about her sexual encounters with boys she dated (and multiple times called it "rape" because they didn't "ask permission". She converted when she was 16 and moved to Provo after she graduated. She would confide in me and I kept telling, "Go talk to the bishop! This is not something to be telling me." She kept saying, "But I'm not going to do it again."

One day after church, she told me (without any prompting from me) she talked to the bishop. She said that he understood because she was a convert and was trying to kick the habit of having sex. She said there was no discipline of any kind and I was surprised.

Weeks later, I had a meeting with my bishop and he asked how things were going with my roommates. I said it had been hard, but I was really glad ______ finally took my advice and told him about her having sex.

He said, "What?!"

"Yeah ...... She said she made an appt. with you and you told her you understood because she was a convert ......"

"No, she did not tell me that and I would never say that."

Horrible situation. I think she just wanted me to stop telling her to go to the bishop. It was too scary for her and she feared the consequences. I couldn't handle hearing about yet another episode of unprotected sex and her justifications for it. She never did admit it and as she was trying to get into BYU, she went to the bishop to ask for his endorsement. He talked to the Stake Pres. about the situation and asked, "What do I do?" He didn't want to create trouble between us. The Stake Pres. just said, "If she lies to get into BYU, she will have her reward."

This whole situation feels very similar to me. It makes no sense that you would have zero consequences for committing adultery, which is what you did. You broke your marital vows and your temple covenants. I have never, ever heard of a bishop giving advice not to tell the spouse when adultery happens and I just can't believe it. You came here feeling bad that you were sexually involved with this man, you didn't confess, and then you came here again to tell us that you had now had oral sex with him. Again, it was suggested that you confess and you resisted that advice, but later said you made the appointment. This story you're giving us that he said not to tell your husband and that you can even go to the temple doesn't add up.

[slamjet]

I don't see who would want to marry either one of you. One has a hideous eyeball, the other a rotting tree. Not screaming "marriage material" these days

[Bini]

There is no respect, there is no humility. What a shame.

[Jennarator]

Simple to truly repent, you have to right the wrong. That means correct it with the person you wronged.

My guess is either the bishop misunderstood when justnaother girl said that she told her husband in general about the man. Or that she misunderstood what he said.

No righting the wrong happened here.

[Guest JustAnotherGirl]

Look. This is way out of hand. I came here looking for some concrete answers.

You don't know me, you don't know the entire situation. I went to my bishop. I did the things I needed to do. I was told the Lord has forgiven me. I know I screwed up. I was told that I didn't need to tell my husband what I did with the man. I told my bishop that I told my husband about this man. Maybe you all don't like what the bishop told me. Maybe you don't feel I deserve forgiveness. Ultimately, it doesn't matter what you think.

[slamjet]

Simple to truly repent, you have to right the wrong. That means correct it with the person you wronged.

My guess is either the bishop misunderstood when justnaother girl said that she told her husband in general about the man. Or that she misunderstood what he said.

No righting the wrong happened here.

In the ARP manual (and 12 steps for that matter), it say's to reconcile as long as it's not detrimental to the other person. So if things need to be kept in generalities, then ok, let it be. There's wisdom in that. A spouse that demands to know the specifics needs to examine their motives as to why. In my experience, it only serves to punish, not heal.

All things considered, as much as I may not agree with not generally telling the spouse, I'm loathed to condemn anyone for not doing so because I don't know everything surrounding not only the indiscretion, but also the relationship and personalities involved.

It's difficult to judge what should be done from a distance. And I'm not going to guess what a Bishop understood or not. That's just not fair to anyone.

[justme39]

I have to admit that it seems odd to me that your Bishop did not require you to tell. Having said that, did you not receive probation? And if so, and assuming that you are active members, how do you explain to your husband why you can't take the sacrament?

I don't know your situation, and don't want to be judgmental. My wife told me proactively about her affair, but I think our Bish would have required her to tell me. I also went to the other man's Bish...I got the feeling that he was not going to require this of his member.

All situations are different. I am just curious if not telling him kind of means some misleading. I would have known about the affair when she got "fired: from her calling and didn't take the sacrament for 6 months.

[Jennarator]

In the ARP manual (and 12 steps for that matter), it say's to reconcile as long as it's not detrimental to the other person. So if things need to be kept in generalities, then ok, let it be. There's wisdom in that. A spouse that demands to know the specifics needs to examine their motives as to why. In my experience, it only serves to punish, not heal.

All things considered, as much as I may not agree with not generally telling the spouse, I'm loathed to condemn anyone for not doing so because I don't know everything surrounding not only the indiscretion, but also the relationship and personalities involved.

It's difficult to judge what should be done from a distance. And I'm not going to guess what a Bishop understood or not. That's just not fair to anyone.

There are health issues that go along with this!! It might be more detramental NOT to tell.

How can a wrong be righted if the person wronged doesn't even know if they need to be tested STDs??

There would be heart ache, but the spouse is not going to be severly hurt or die becasue of the news.

A spouse needs to know.

[Jennarator]

BTW....I have been cheated on. I didn't find out for over a year! I found out via an email. It was hurtfull and horrible, and thank goodness I had already been tested for just about everything, because my ex had done intrveineous drugs.

Not one ounce of good comes from not telling. Now if it had been not as severe, fine, but you can't right a wrong unless you do everything you can to fix it. You can't fix it if the person isn't tested.

[Idora]

If I'm completely wrong, then I apologize and will back off.

For some reason, a part of me believes the bishop was never involved and it's become a self-repentance process. You know, telling yourself you'll never do it again, maybe saying some tearful prayers and convincing yourself you'll be okay on your own, making justifications, etc. If so, this is treading dangerous waters and it will be something that will eat away at you until you speak up and confess to the right authority on this earth. I went down that path for years. Eventually I couldn't handle it anymore and I went to the bishop and had to go through a painful repentance process. I knew if I had done the right thing to begin with, I would have saved years of heartache and suffering. So to warn you, taking it on yourself and convincing yourself you can do it without confession to the right authority on earth will not leave the back of your mind, ever, regardless of any spiritual high and can cause serious destruction.

However, if you DID see your bishop, I apologize and will not say anything more. I don't know you nor your situation and if it's what the bishop told you, it's what he told you.

[Bini]

Think of this in terms of seeking an answer through prayer. The Lord will point us in the right direction if we seek His help with a sincere and humble heart, however, He does not always give us a clear-cut "yes" or "no" answer. So just like the bishop, he may not have requested that you tell your husband about your affair (it's possible—none of us were there). But to fully repent and have such a heavy burden lifted off your shoulders, it would seem that one would want to talk to their spouse about their affair in order to start rebuilding a marriage that has been deeply wounded. You can't salvage a relationship if skeletons remain in the closet.

Apart from the whole "moral" aspect of this. Yes, there are health risks you are exposing your spouse to by not confessing to your affair.

[Guest JustAnotherGirl]

It's kind of sad to see that some are having difficulty with my repentance process. Before, I felt defensive that others judged me--saying maybe I didn't deserve repentance or I did it all wrong or whatever their opinion was. Really, I personalloy know I did what I needed to. Seriously, it's not your place to be my judge. In church, it has been said that the bishop is our judge in Israel. I believe that. My repentance process is personal. It really has nothing to do with you. I came here for advice, and I received a lot of judgement, so it appears.

Seriously, I've felt angry with being judged. But I realize now that it's human nature. Not right, but it happens. Now, I realize that it's not really my problem that others have trouble with my repentance process. And, essentially, it doesn't really matter to me. My repentance process is personal. Perhaps it was even a mistake to come here seeking answers in the first place. But I was scared. I wanted concrete information.

I was wrong for coming here for advice, though I didn't know it at the time I came here seeking answers. Now I see that the repentance process is personal and it is different for different people. Look in the scriptures if you feel my story is so hard to believe--if you are that bothered by my story. Look at the woman who had many sins who sought Jesus to forgive her sins. Luke 7--

36¶And one of the Pharisees desired him that he would eat with him. And he went into the Pharisee’s house, and sat down to meat.

37And, behold, a woman in the city, which was a sinner, when she knew that Jesus sat at meat in the Pharisee’s house, brought an alabaster box of ointment,

38And stood at his feet behind him weeping, and began to wash his feet with tears, and did wipe them with the hairs of her head, and kissed his feet, and anointed them with the ointment.

39Now when the Pharisee which had bidden him saw it, he spake within himself, saying, This man, if he were a prophet, would have known who and what manner of woman this is that toucheth him: for she is a sinner.

40And Jesus answering said unto him, Simon, I have somewhat to say unto thee. And he saith, Master, say on.

41There was a certain creditor which had two debtors: the one owed five hundred apence, and the other fifty.

42And when they had nothing to pay, he frankly aforgave them both. bTell me therefore, which of them will love him most?

43Simon answered and said, I suppose that he, to whom he forgave most. And he said unto him, Thou hast rightly judged.

44And he turned to the woman, and said unto Simon, Seest thou this woman? I entered into thine house, thou gavest me no water for my feet: but she hath washed my feet with tears, and wiped them with the hairs of her head.

45Thou gavest me no kiss: but this woman since the time I came in hath not ceased to kiss my feet.

46My head with oil thou didst not anoint: but this woman hath anointed my feet with ointment.

47Wherefore I say unto thee, Her sins, which are many, are aforgiven; for she loved much: but to whom little is forgiven, the same loveth little.

48And he said unto her, Thy sins are forgiven.

49And they that sat at meat with him began to say within themselves, Who is this that forgiveth sins also?

50And he said to the woman, Thy faith hath saved thee; go in peace.

For the benefit of others, I relay this story. Jesus forgave this woman. He didn't put her on probation or disfellowship her, he forgave her. In contrast, the woman taken in adultery, he told her to go and sin no more. He didn't tell her that her sins were forgiven. Perhaps she needed the opportunity to repent before her sins were forgiven.

I have repented. That others do not agree or feel maybe I don't deserve essentially doesn't matter to me. I went to the bishop's office not knowing what to expect. But I was told that the Lord has forgiven me. You may not like this or even agree. But you are not my judge. It isn't your place. Now, I feel peace where I didn't before. Peace.

[Guest JustAnotherGirl]

Maybe, if you're bothered with my repentance process, you should just let it go. I was angry at some judgement I received by others and I felt defensive. No more. Now I realize it really doesn't matter (judgement of others). It's really neither here nor there to me.

Maybe you can just let it go because it really isn't something you need to worry about.

[Bini]

Sorry you feel attacked. In future I would refrain from seeking feedback on personal matters if you're not able to handle all the responses. Best of luck.

[Guest JustAnotherGirl]

Sorry you feel attacked. In future I would refrain from seeking feedback on personal matters if you're not able to handle all the responses. Best of luck.

Save your breath. Just let it go.

[MorningStar]

I think everyone here is eager for you to repent, but there is also a huge concern for your husband who will be more devastated when he finds out on his own. What happens when this man continues to pursue you? He certainly showed no regard for your feelings, your husband's feelings, or his wife's feelings. How far is he willing to take it? Would he risk calling you at home? Would he show up at your door?

What you say your bishop told you makes absolutely no sense. I have known porn addicts who couldn't attend the temple for months or take the sacrament. I don't think there is a science as to the consequences people receive for sins x, y, and z. To repent is to change and I think some people learn their lessons faster than others. You repeated your actions and even took it down a more serious road after your first post in this read. You seemed more concerned about what would happen to you than making it right. Even if you bawled your eyes out, I just can't imagine any bishop listening to this story and offering no disciplinary action as you claim. You have exposed yourself to disease with this man, which exposes your husband. He absolutely has the right to know. I have never heard of a single bishop determining that it shouldn't be told because it would make the spouse feel bad. You should get tested and your husband should be tested, but of course that would require telling him the truth. No one said you don't deserve forgiveness. Please read the info below.

AIDS Information, Education, Action, Awareness | How is HIV Transmitted?

[Guest JustAnotherGirl]

I think everyone here is eager for you to repent, but there is also a huge concern for your husband who will be more devastated when he finds out on his own. What happens when this man continues to pursue you? He certainly showed no regard for your feelings, your husband's feelings, or his wife's feelings. How far is he willing to take it? Would he risk calling you at home? Would he show up at your door?

What you say your bishop told you makes absolutely no sense. I have known porn addicts who couldn't attend the temple for months or take the sacrament. I don't think there is a science as to the consequences people receive for sins x, y, and z. To repent is to change and I think some people learn their lessons faster than others. You repeated your actions and even took it down a more serious road after your first post in this read. You seemed more concerned about what would happen to you than making it right. Even if you bawled your eyes out, I just can't imagine any bishop listening to this story and offering no disciplinary action as you claim. You have exposed yourself to disease with this man, which exposes your husband. He absolutely has the right to know. I have never heard of a single bishop determining that it shouldn't be told because it would make the spouse feel bad. You should get tested and your husband should be tested, but of course that would require telling him the truth. No one said you don't deserve forgiveness. Please read the info below.

AIDS Information, Education, Action, Awareness | How is HIV Transmitted?

Let it go. I have repented. That you disagree with things or that it doesn't make sense to you is really inconsequential to me.