Think of going it on my own: Inactivity or Arguing?

[The_Phoenix]

Need some advice; my wife does deal well with change. Since our Ward was dissolved on Sunday we have a few words concerning the change. She grew up very poor and always heard the drummed in theme that people who have money and nice homes think they are better than everyone else. Even though we do well, that mentality remains within her mindset. The Ward that we have been absorbed into has some more affluent members, some who moved from our Ward because they could afford to and for access to better schools. So for concerning some, she felt a bit betrayed because they did not stay in the city to help improve it.

She is making it a point to tell everyone how displeased she is and “does not care if she ever goes back”. This has already led to two spirited debates. We also had a son who had troubles and some who treated him badly are now in our new Ward, the older son, not the one on a mission, so it was long ago.

We have no callings now and to attended another Ward needs approval; besides we are one mile from our building and the next one is 13 miles away. So I am seriously considering not going until it is her idea. This way it will not seem like I am trying to force her to choose. I am conflicted however, because we have a son on a mission it seems a bit hypocritical not to attend when our son is asking people to attend. But as the saying goes; “if Mama’s not happy, no one is happy”.

What would you suggest?

[FunkyTown]

So... Your wife is upset because people with money left an area they felt wasn't conducive to home life and found a better place?

That's... I think you need to talk to your wife and let her know that if people who are wealthy think of themselves as better than you, that's their issue to work through. Ask her how it hurts the people who are arrogant to deny her the blessings of church and an active priesthood member and temple attendance.

Secretly, I think she's being childish, but I wouldn't tell her that. For the sake of peace, you should instead frame it in such a way that she realizes she's hurting no one but herself.

[Gwen]

if you can get her to i'd try to give it an honest 6 months. really try to enjoy it, get involved, get to know the members, etc. after 6 months if it's not working and you really think the other one would be better then go. 13 miles is nothing. we have members that drive over 30 for church.

as for dealing with your wife, is she insisting you shouldn't go? i would keep doing what you always do (take your family to church) if she doesn't want to go then that is her decision. i think attending as a family is important so if she will go if you go to the other ward then do so. if she just wants to take a break from church then let her. let her know of the activities, enrichment and such so she can decide if she wants to go or not, invite her to "special" sundays, etc.

if you decide you won't go till she does and she knows you want to go then you may end up resenting each other. she will feel pressured (you may even pressure her) because you are doing something you don't want to. could be seen as a huge manipulation tactic. but i guess in the end a lot of that perception depends on your wife, you will know her best.

most important, you can't complain about things at church to her if she is on edge anyway and make sure no matter what she ends up doing she knows you love her.

[The_Phoenix]

if you can get her to i'd try to give it an honest 6 months. really try to enjoy it, get involved, get to know the members, etc. after 6 months if it's not working and you really think the other one would be better then go. 13 miles is nothing. we have members that drive over 30 for church.

as for dealing with your wife, is she insisting you shouldn't go? i would keep doing what you always do (take your family to church) if she doesn't want to go then that is her decision. i think attending as a family is important so if she will go if you go to the other ward then do so. if she just wants to take a break from church then let her. let her know of the activities, enrichment and such so she can decide if she wants to go or not, invite her to "special" sundays, etc.

if you decide you won't go till she does and she knows you want to go then you may end up resenting each other. she will feel pressured (you may even pressure her) because you are doing something you don't want to. could be seen as a huge manipulation tactic. but i guess in the end a lot of that perception depends on your wife, you will know her best.

most important, you can't complain about things at church to her if she is on edge anyway and make sure no matter what she ends up doing she knows you love her.

There is just the two of us now. I hate going alone. Maybe i could take my puppy anf tell them he is a seeing eye dog.

[The_Phoenix]

So... Your wife is upset because people with money left an area they felt wasn't conducive to home life and found a better place?

That's... I think you need to talk to your wife and let her know that if people who are wealthy think of themselves as better than you, that's their issue to work through. Ask her how it hurts the people who are arrogant to deny her the blessings of church and an active priesthood member and temple attendance.

Secretly, I think she's being childish, but I wouldn't tell her that. For the sake of peace, you should instead frame it in such a way that she realizes she's hurting no one but herself.

That is what led to the spirited debate. Twice now, and it is only Wednesday.

[Gwen]

having been the wife in the situation of not wanting to go and my husband wanting to.... you need to let it go. yes her activity affects you but in the end her faith is between her and god. i've had my husband refuse to go somewhere till i would go with him. he nagged because it was killing him not to go and i finally gave in and went so he could and i just resented it. i really wish he would have just gone. i supported his going, but i needed the break. i needed to think. i needed to sort out my own salvation. pressuring me didn't let that happen.

you need to pray and find out what is right for you but from my experience i'd say tell her how you feel once and leave it up to her. drop the issue for awhile. tell her you love her, you understand this is hard for her, that you will be there no matter what. let her know you intend to keep attending church. if she wants will attend with you if you go to another ward then you will go with her otherwise you go to your assigned ward. you might be able to work out other short term solutions as well. go to the meetings you can do together (sacrament and sunday school) and then spend the priesthood/rs time in the hall. don't split up until she is comfortable.

if she ever had a testimony she knows what she is doing, she doesn't need a dad. she needs to be loved.

[rameumptom]

I'm thinking you need to keep your covenants and set the correct example for your wife. She is brewing a storm in a teapot. Instead of judging all those imperfect people, perhaps she would do better to spend some time pulling the beam out of her own eye first?

Is her pride so important to her as to allow her to abandon her testimony and temple blessings? Why does she attend church? For social justice causes? If so, then she needs to rethink her testimony. The Church is there for imperfect people, even for the rich. It is not her job to judge them. It is her job to serve God and her fellow man/woman, and be a blessing to all. Christ did not reject the rich. He has invited all to come to Him. Yes, there are many rich in the Church that will be judged for their attitudes. But it is God's responsibility to do that judging. When your wife leaves the Church over her judgmental attitude, she is lumping herself in with them. She is making herself better than not only the rich, but Jesus Christ, as she is saying by her attitude that her hatred of them is more important than her following the Savior.

Do not follow her down that path. Set the example for her. Learn to freely forgive others, including the rich. Then set out to serve and make a difference in Christ-like ways. Let God deal with the rich as he sees fit.

[Backroads]

I think we can all agree your wife is not approaching this in the most mature and spiritual manner. Clearly she has been hurt by some of these people and is still nursing her wounds.

But, as has been said, not your problem. She's an adult responsible for her own spiritual choices. I wouldn't force her to go, but I still think you should go for the sake of your own faith and testimony.

Edited March 30, 2011 by Backroads

[prisonchaplain]

Everyone is right. No one can be forced to go to church, once they've reached adulthood. On the other hand, if she is still testifying to faith in the Gospel and the Church, then you two are to be one flesh. Sometimes we worship, not out of joy, and sincere gratitude, but "as a sacrifice of praise." This is not "fake it til you make it." Rather, this is true faith, true love--doing what we know is right when we do not feel like it or want to.

Of course, the problem is that it is that you are not asking for yourself, but for your beloved. She loves God, probably loves the capitol-C Church, but resents the people in the Ward. Perhaps, gently asking her if her devotion to God and Church might outweigh that resentment? And, if not today, whether they should? If she'll at least admit they should, then offer that she take a time out, sort it through, and let her know you'll wait on her. It would be wonderful if she would agree to a specific period of time.

[Dravin]

She grew up very poor and always heard the drummed in theme that people who have money and nice homes think they are better than everyone else.

Irony. I'm better than those rich people because I don't think I'm better than other people.

[applepansy]

We should never be going to church for other people. We should be there for ourselves.

You've received good advice here so I won't repeat it, except to say, Pray with your wife about the situation. Pray privately about the situation. Love your wife. And then...go to church regardless of how uncomfortable you feel.

[The_Phoenix]

if she ever had a testimony she knows what she is doing, she doesn't need a dad. she needs to be loved.

Never thought otherwise. But I see your point.

[The_Phoenix]

I think we can all agree your wife is not approaching this in the most mature and spiritual manner. Clearly she has been hurt by some of these people and is still nursing her wounds.

But, as has been said, not your problem. She's an adult responsible for her own spiritual choices. I wouldn't force her to go, but I still think you should go for the sake of your own faith and testimony.

Forgive me, but all of my family is my problem. I would give my life, even mu soul for them. Especially in Mormonism, what our spouses do (or does) affect us in eternal ways. Then there is the issue that I love her more than life itself. No easy answers here, she is a wonderful person and I am just trying to find a way to remind her of her charitable nature. Besides, when you hurt a woman’s child it is worse than hurting her. In Mormonism, salvation is a family affair.

[MorningStar]

Hopefully she'll come around. We live in a rather wealthy ward, but we are one of the "poor" families. Most of the kids in our ward go to the school that has no apartments in the boundaries. We live just within the other school's boundaries that has quite a few families living in apartments and it attracts a lot more low income students, especially kids who speak English as a second language. The test scores are lower there, which is the reason I have had friends who ask for a variance to go to the other school and they suggested this to me, but I wanted my son to be exposed to a diverse group of kids and be a friend to them. The test scores were lower because a lot of the kids are pulled out frequently during math time for speech therapy and other special services. This year they changed the schedule to make sure that doesn't happen. If you have more than one child, you can't ask for a variance, so one of my friends moved to make sure her kids wouldn't be in that school. We got a letter stating that the low income students in our school scored poorly on the state test, but my son did better than average. It's not that the teachers are doing a bad job teaching. The kids who don't speak English have a harder time understanding and they have been missing important things. My friend was going by the test scores alone and was determined to have her kids go to the one with better scores. Can't really fault her for that.

I was a little nervous at first about being in a ward with people who are well off, but I can't really think of any examples of people who think they are better than me. I actually get quite a few compliments from people who are impressed that we are happy in our circumstances (living in such a small space and not having luxuries). It is a little hard for my kids to see how other children are involved in so many activities when they can't be or that we hardly have money to go swimming at the local pool when other families are going to Great Wolf Lodge, but we have some wonderful friends here - people who beg us not to move and joke about collecting money to buy us a house here.

I would say go to church if your wife doesn't go, make some friends, and see if you can maybe invite them over for dinner. Maybe she'll come around eventually.

[The_Phoenix]

Everyone is right. No one can be forced to go to church, once they've reached adulthood.

This is a funny thought, me forcing my wife to do anything.

[The_Phoenix]

Irony. I'm better than those rich people because I don't think I'm better than other people.

Of course she does not believe she is better, but see’s herself through what she “thinks” is their eyes. He father had a large chip on his shoulders and caused (especially his daughters) to have a low self-esteem growing up. But the baggage of childhood can be hard to get rid of I guess. The truth is (as many have stated) if any see themselves as “better’ than others, they are the ones with the problem. I don’t see her passing judgment on them, but on herself. I think she see’s herself as less than others, something I have been trying to overcome for decades. She has such a tender heart, if she speaks to someone and they do not respond she gets hurt over it, I just shrug it off.

[prisonchaplain]

This is a funny thought, me forcing my wife to do anything.

True that. In all seriousness, you appear to be taking this in the appropriate spirit. God first, and family as the first priority. We're all trying to offer little gems of wisdom we've picked up in our own lives, that may or may not apply to your situation. Your beloved is blessed to have you partnering with her. May God your Heavenly Father continue to bless and guide you and your wife. May his angels watch over, protect, and speak truth and blessing into your lives. In His time, may you enter into the fellowship of his Saints with full confidence and joy. In Jesus' name, amen.

[Guest]

Hi Phoenix...

I only have one cent to offer:

You're the priesthood holder. When it comes to matters of faith, sometimes the priest will need to take the reigns, put the shoulder to the wheel, and do the Lord's work.

If it means you have to leave her behind for the moment to be picked up later on, then so be it. Not going to church is validating her decision to let "rich people" or whatever come between your eternal family and God.

True story:

I'm a very headstrong woman. But when I'm wrong, my husband can be so bullish that there has been times when I would throw something at him. He just dodges the flying objects and stands there like a brick wall against a hurricane waiting me out. In the end, I see sense and I'm glad my husband stood his ground. It's really one of the main reasons I got very attracted to him.

Edited March 30, 2011 by anatess

[applepansy]

Of course she does not believe she is better, but see’s herself through what she “thinks” is their eyes. He father had a large chip on his shoulders and caused (especially his daughters) to have a low self-esteem growing up. But the baggage of childhood can be hard to get rid of I guess. The truth is (as many have stated) if any see themselves as “better’ than others, they are the ones with the problem. I don’t see her passing judgment on them, but on herself. I think she see’s herself as less than others, something I have been trying to overcome for decades. She has such a tender heart, if she speaks to someone and they do not respond she gets hurt over it, I just shrug it off.

I understand what you're saying about her judging herself as less. But while doing so she is still judging others. I have had some of the same issues on my husband's side of the family. The whole "wrong side of the tracks" mentality. Sometimes it still surfaces with my husband but not very often anymore.

What is importa'nt to gain perspective is "We are all children of our Heavenly Father who loves us".... rich, poor, etc. It really doesn't matter what somebody else thinks. It only matters what we think/feel about our relationship with Heavenly Father.

Maybe helping her understand how precious she really is will help? I don't doubt you already are trying. Maybe she needs someone from the ward to try? Bishop? RS President? The spirit will guide those who are listening which is why I suggested praying about this in my first reply.

I wish you both all the best.

[The_Phoenix]

I understand what you're saying about her judging herself as less. But while doing so she is still judging others. I have had some of the same issues on my husband's side of the family. The whole "wrong side of the tracks" mentality. Sometimes it still surfaces with my husband but not very often anymore.

What is importa'nt to gain perspective is "We are all children of our Heavenly Father who loves us".... rich, poor, etc. It really doesn't matter what somebody else thinks. It only matters what we think/feel about our relationship with Heavenly Father.

Maybe helping her understand how precious she really is will help? I don't doubt you already are trying. Maybe she needs someone from the ward to try? Bishop? RS President? The spirit will guide those who are listening which is why I suggested praying about this in my first reply.

I wish you both all the best.

As do I, she loves the members of the Bishopric, it is the Relief Society Pres she has a history with concerning our son. Like i said, you don't hurt Mama's children. But she has a good heart, she will overcome. I have faith in her and I love her, we have been together since we were children. And that was a loooooooooooooong time ago.

[Backroads]

Forgive me, but all of my family is my problem. I would give my life, even mu soul for them. Especially in Mormonism, what our spouses do (or does) affect us in eternal ways. Then there is the issue that I love her more than life itself. No easy answers here, she is a wonderful person and I am just trying to find a way to remind her of her charitable nature. Besides, when you hurt a woman’s child it is worse than hurting her. In Mormonism, salvation is a family affair.

Of course it is. I would never suggest otherwise.

But contention does not add to the spirit nor to salvation. If you're only thinking about pleasing her, making her feel comfortable, and not trying to balance that with setting an example and taking steps to keep the spirit in the home, there will be problems. And while I certainly understand you can't hurt a mother's children without hurting the mother, must she take out her anger on the entire new ward?

[The_Phoenix]

Of course it is. I would never suggest otherwise.

But contention does not add to the spirit nor to salvation. If you're only thinking about pleasing her, making her feel comfortable, and not trying to balance that with setting an example and taking steps to keep the spirit in the home, there will be problems. And while I certainly understand you can't hurt a mother's children without hurting the mother, must she take out her anger on the entire new ward?

That is what she does not want, she thinks it better to just stat away. The is where the disagreement comes into play.

[Backroads]

That is what she does not want, she thinks it better to just stat away. The is where the disagreement comes into play.

Maybe a few Sundays of no church but personal scripture study and pondering might just be what she needs, just as long as total inactivity isn't planned.

[The_Phoenix]

Maybe a few Sundays of no church but personal scripture study and pondering might just be what she needs, just as long as total inactivity isn't planned.

After some of the debate with others on other websites today…maybe never go to church again. I am just too tired to fight anymore.

[Suzie]

She seems to feel insecure, there is not a better way to deal with that issue but confronting the fear.