Parents Disciplining Vs. Grandparents Disciplining

[Bini]

Hubby and I come from very different upbringings.

His parents are very liberal and never spanked him and his brothers. My parents are very conservative and did spank me and my sister. Regardless of this difference, overall we both turned out to be functioning and contributing adults to society. But after much discussion, we've decided that we won't be spanking our children. I realise a lot of things change once you actually have kids but at least we have a game-plan in place.

So the issue is this. Is disciplining a conversation you have with the grandparents? If so, when do you start talking about it? Before baby arrives or after baby arrives? Baby is due late summer. How do you bring up such a sensitive topic? My parents are awesome parents. I don't want them to feel like they've done me wrong in any way because I wholeheartedly believe they did a fantastic job with me. Hubby and I just don't want to discipline the same way that they did.

ETA: We visit my parents 4-5 times out of the year and will typically spend 3-5 days with them. On holidays we're there almost a full week. So our kids will be spending a lot of time with lolo and lola :]

Thanks for any advice.

[MarginOfError]

Hubby and I come from very different upbringings.

His parents are very liberal and never spanked him and his brothers. My parents are very conservative and did spank me and my sister. Regardless of this difference, overall we both turned out to be functioning and contributing adults to society. But after much discussion, we've decided that we won't be spanking our children. I realise a lot of things change once you actually have kids but at least we have a game-plan in place.

So the issue is this. Is disciplining a conversation you have with the grandparents? If so, when do you start talking about it? Before baby arrives or after baby arrives? Baby is due late summer. How do you bring up such a sensitive topic? My parents are awesome parents. I don't want them to feel like they've done me wrong in any way because I wholeheartedly believe they did a fantastic job with me. Hubby and I just don't want to discipline the same way that they did.

ETA: We visit my parents 4-5 times out of the year and will typically spend 3-5 days with them. On holidays we're there almost a full week. So our kids will be spending a lot of time with lolo and lola :]

Thanks for any advice.

Parents do the disciplining, grandparents try do undo that by spoiling the kid. That's the natural order of things.

The only reason your parents would need to apply any discipline is if they are going to be watching the kid for more than a couple of days. That's the point at which I would have the discussion. You could also bring it up if you thought your parents were beginning to apply discipline.

For the most part, though, I imagine your parents won't bother with spanking your kids because grandparents don't get enough time with grandkids to warrant it. Besides, your parents will be more interested in being liked than in being respected. One of the perks of grandparenthood.

[estradling75]

How you and your Husband choose to raise your kids is your business and your business only. Ultimately grandparents don't get a vote.

That being said there is a lot of wisdom in bringing the grandparents in so they understand your position. (even if they don't agree with it) Especially if they are going to be watching(babysitting) them for you.

Personally I'd let it come up naturally, because if you make a huge deal of it then they will take it as a huge deal, with all the judgmental rebuking baggage you are trying to avoid.

[Guest]

No discussion with grandparents necessary.

Both my parents and my in-laws are for the spanking method. My husband and I decided we're not going that route.

My parents sometimes stay with me for 6 months at a time. They never discipline my kids - they run wild with them. They didn't even bother giving me advice about discipline. The biggest complication I've ever experienced is when my mom threw out the hungry hippo game. She said the kids could choke on the white balls. I told her the hippo game is for supervised time - not for any other time - so the kids should only play with it if an adult is playing with them. My mom said - they play the game whenever they want. And I'm like.... so... you tell them no... My mom said - that's not my job...

So yeah. My parents and in-laws are "done" raising children. They refuse to raise mine too.

[Bini]

That makes sense. No need to bring up the issue until we're at that point.

I also realise that until baby is walking and talking, there isn't going to be a lot of strict discipline, as the child isn't comprehending instruction yet. Constant supervision is key. But when they get to that age of getting into stuff and breaking things, we want it to be clear that there's no spanking but that time-outs are acceptable alternatives.

Ahh, the ideals of first time parents..

[applepansy]

My mother respected my wishes without there being a big dicussion. My inlaws didn't.... so they weren't allowed to babysit. My FIL's exact words were "We raised kids. We know what we're doing. If we have the kids we will do it our way." So the solution was they didn't have the kids!!! Period! And they knew why.

Now I'm grandma and I'm doing most of the raising of my grandson. My son and his son live with us. I'm in both rolls...parent and grandparent. My son and I had a discussion. We don't spank, unless its is something my grandson insists on doing that will hurt him, such as, run out in the road. So far he hasn't needed to be spanked.

The problem I have is that I don't get the "spoil" time

[Suzie]

So the issue is this. Is disciplining a conversation you have with the grandparents?

Not for me. It is the parent's responsibility to discipline, not the grandparents. Personally I think if you discuss this with grandparents you may be sending the wrong signals to them and you may not like it in the end (they could discipline your child for something you don't agree with). It is better to separate roles and make sure they know those boundaries.

[mightynancy]

Unsolicited advice is best accepted with a cheerful "Thank you!" and then you can ignore it as you please.

Being confident in your own choices is one way to shut down unwanted advice - if you're insecure, you're defensive, and that escalates a disagreement.

Besides, if your methods are working well for your children, they'll behave pretty well, and the grandparents will have no desire to discipline them. :)

[Bini]

I appreciate you guys weighing in on this.

I also agree that discipline needs to come from parents first and foremost. I'm more thinking of situations where kids get into stuff and or break things while visiting the grandparents, and the grandparents initial reaction on-the-spot is to discipline them, after having told the kids to "not touch". So that's more of what I'm referring to and not grandparents raising and rearing kids, as I agree that is not their job, nor would I or my husband want it to be.

[applepansy]

After thinking about this over night I have something to add.

While my parents respected our rules and how we disciplined, there was another side. Children need to learn what they can and cannot do or get away with at Grandma/pa's house. Who better to teach that than the grandparents themselves. Kids are smart. They quickly learn what they can get away with with each adult. Don't sell the kids short. I would only interfere with a grandparent's discipline if it was over the top. That is when the private (not with the child) conversation should occur.

Grandparents today are very aware that acceptable discipline has changed with time. Most will follow the parents lead.

I know my children learned things from their grandparents on both sides that they wouldn't have learned from me no matter how hard I tried to teach. Grandparents love children in a different way, not more...just different. For grandparents there usually isn't the pressure to teach and discipline so there isn't pressure felt by the child. Its a different relationship and can be very positive.

Growing up my grandparents were very strict with us. My grandpoarents grew up in a time when if a child didn't obey immediately it could mean the child's death. My grandfather was a rancher back in the 20s through 50s. Children had to obey. There isn't that level of danger for children in our society anymore, not even on modern day ranches. I knew beyond all doubt that my grandparents loved me and wanted me safe. My Dad's mother never disciplined us. She lived in an apartment downtown SLC. There wasn't the need to discipline us. Looking back I don't think she loved us less but it was a different relationship. I learned more from my mother's parents.

[vanessawill]

When it comes to disciplining your children the most important thing is consistency, most especially for especially troubled kids.. Because of this grandparents should be aware of your discipline method so they can follow in the event they need to discipline their grandchildren. You can bet on grandparents giving their grandchildren a little more leeway than you do, however even grandparents have to deal with misbehaving kids sometime. It is during these times the grandparents should be armed with your method of discipline so they can carry it out and ensure consistency and good behavior.

Edited April 21, 2011 by vanessawill

[Guest]

When it comes to disciplining your children the most important thing is consistency, most especially for troubled kids.. Because of this grandparents should be aware of your discipline method so they can follow in the event they need to discipline their grandchildren. You can bet on grandparents giving their grandchildren a little more leeway than you do, however even grandparents have to deal with misbehaving kids sometime. It is during these times the grandparents should be armed with your method of discipline so they can carry it out and ensure consistency and good behavior.

Sounds really good and Martha Stewartish...

Unfortunately, this is not something you can easily pull off in reality. Kinda like reading those baby books to say - don't expose your child to TV. Hah! Yeah. Sure.

Schools/Babysitters/Childcare centers/etc have their own way of disciplining... grandparents, if they even bother to discipline will have their own way of disciplining.

The consistency thing only applies within the family nucleus (that's mom/dad/children). Your child will need to learn to apply those lessons outside the home even when mom and dad are not around. That's the "application" part of their discipline. Grandparents are part of the "outside" application.

[zippy_do46]

I am glad that you and your hubby are on the same page. This is one of the most important parts. The other is open communication about what is working and what is not. :) Not everthing will work for every child. Be prepared to make adjustments as needed. The point is to teach them the "correct principles" so they can make the "right choices".

I agree about there being an outside element that as a parent you can not always control. As a parent you do have the choice in being involved.

I love my role as "nannie" to my grandchildren. They did live with us off and on for over 3 years. There were times we did "time out". We used a timer and when the bell went off they were off.

"I can also remember a time when I explained that the results of their actions was "time out" and that child looked at me and smiled did the action and then put themselves in "time out". I had tears in my eyes trying not to laugh. I went down beside them and asked them if they thought what they did was right. They explained that they wanted to do it ... so they did their time. mmmmmm "one of those ahhahh moments in teaching right and wrong. As a grandparent you will also have those moments. That is what disciplining really is or should be in my opinion. As a grandparent we have seen the long distant results of how we raised our children. :) The Good, the Bad, the Ugly of child raising 101. That is the reason we "spoil and send them home" sigh !!! I always told my daughter she deserved everything she received (both blessings and the work) of raising her children. :) mmmmmmm I just did not know she would be living with me when it came to the "payback of dealing with her children". :))))

Many blessing in all your choices and welcome to the real parenting 101.