Mixed-faith marriage...can it work?

[Just_A_Guy]

You lawyer you.

Guilty as charged . . .

I married my husband hoping that he will become Catholic. But, we both promised we will respect each other's faiths and decide on the faith of the children before they are born.

I trusted him and I do not believe I was inviting trouble by believing him. Neither did my husband invite trouble by believing me.

Why do I say that? Because - we knew each other. We knew we are not the type of people who will make that kind of trouble for each other.

Now, if he was a person who I can't trust... then that might be a different situation. But, if you can't trust the word of the person you are going to marry - you probably shouldn't marry him. Even if he shares the same religion as you!

I agree with your sentiments in general.

Maybe I'm just jaded because a) I see so many divorces that my faith in the average engaged person's ability to exercise sound judgment in questions like this, has been deeply shaken; and b) a good friend of mine is currently in a situation where he has left the Church, his wife's still in, and there's some real tension about who can say what to the kids.

As I recall, though, your husband was already a Mormon and you ultimately embraced his faith. (right?) What if you had found yourself unable to embrace his faith? How does that shake out with the kids for the next ten, or fifteen, or twenty-five years?

Frankly, it seems to me like you were a) lucky/blessed; and b) an exception to what (we're told) the general trend is, at least where Mormon-interfaith marriages are concerned. Hopefully, everyone who marries out of the Church will have an experience like that of you and your husband. But the point I was trying to make in my reply to Amber was, marrying someone based on what you hope they might become is a dangerous way of choosing a spouse.

[Bini]

But the point I was trying to make in my reply to Amber was, marrying someone based on what you hope they might become is a dangerous way of choosing a spouse.

I wanna Fb "like" this but I can't. So "thanks" will suffice.

[shdwlkr]

Can a mixed-faith marriage work the answer is yes but why put that additional burden on a relationship? In marriage there are enough issues faith should not be one of them.

I knew a Mormon family once that was also Jewish because of extended family. The honored the Jewish side of the family and the Jewish side honored the Mormon side it because of source of lively conversations around the holidays and the kids got to enjoy both and even attend some of Jewish services. When the kids were of age they went on missions to teach to Jewish leaning individuals and because of the years of growing up with both religions were very effective. The Jewish side of the family made sure they wanted for nothing on their missions and also were very happy when they came home and attended the return missionary fireside and were also recognized for

This is a very big exception to the rule because the adults wanted the best for the kids and everything was done with that in mind from the time they were born. They never were hard feelings, they joked about different aspects of the two religions and even found some common ground.

If you and this young man really love each other then move ahead knowing that one day it might become and issue that can only be solved by a divorce if you both are going in different directions religiously and it might never be an issue also.

Since you admit to doing some things wrong and that pushed him away from the church. It might be good to pray that your actions will not be his reason for not returning and that he will see the light again and return to the church.

In this life many issues can drive one from the church and then again there are issues that will push you even deeper in your faith of the church. Satan wants us to fail and will use anything that he can to see we do. You and your young man tasted the fruits of marriage with not commitment and enjoying the fruits of that action.

We can not force anyone to accept the gospel or re-accept it when our faith in it has failed it is up to that person to reconnect and it can be a very hard journey to do this and they have to want to be back in the fold.

Best of luck and pray often for answer as to whether the two of you are to be one or if it is time to break it off and learn how to be yourself again and wait for your chosen partner to show up and it could very well be this young man one day and it could possibly someone else.

Life gives us many choices and it is up to us to pick the least evil one sometimes and it is very hard to do without the influence of the holy ghost, our faith and heavenly father helping us chose.

I remember a statement by Abe Lincoln that a house divided can not stand

[Backroads]

Its not always about trust... Its about people being alive and growing (and therefore changing)

He could be perfectly honest and trustworthy and still reach a point were he comes to you and says, 'you know that agreement we have... I doesn't match my interests anymore, and I wish to renegotiate'

This could very much happen. What, as a couple, would you do if it did occur?

[Backroads]

Trust me, Backroads; I'm not missing out on the idea of promises or contracts. If/when Amber's fiancee begins doing the kinds of things I've warned about, I'll happily join ya'll in condemning the guy as a bounder and a cad. But that'll be cold comfort for Amber. In my line of work, I talk to a lot of people who are Right™.

They are also in the middle of getting divorced.

The simple truths are that a) faith evolves; b) most men whose wives see them as missionary projects, don't change; and c) sooner or later, a man is going to chafe at his wife's insisting on censoring his (he believes) sincerely held religious views.

Amber's gentleman caller is inviting trouble by making promises whose import he has no way of fully comprehending at this moment. But, knowing that, I would submit (with all the regard and concern possible in an online discussion) that she's inviting trouble by believing him.

I see your point, I really do. But.. it's possible. I just don't think its fair to say that ALL mixed-faith marriages crumble and that everyone is incapable of respect.

[estradling75]

While I think you have been given alot of good advice and things to look for. I am kind of surprised that the hands down best advice has not really been given. And that is have you prayed about it?

Who we marry is easily one of the most important choices we will ever make. I can only think of maybe one or two other choices that could possibly top it for how much of an impact it will have in your life.

Marriage is full of unexpected and unforeseen challenges on top of the ones we expect. Yet time an time again people get married simply because they are 'In Love..' and other related emotions and ideas. Without talking to the Guy that sees how everything fits together and knows the best path for them personally.

Take it to God in prayer, fasting, and humbleness. One you have your answer then you can follow the advice given that relates to whatever path you are to follow

[estradling75]

This could very much happen. What, as a couple, would you do if it did occur?

At that level I have no idea....It is bridge I hope to never have to cross. I prefer to keep my relationship adjustments to the trivial annoyances

[Just_A_Guy]

I see your point, I really do. But.. it's possible. I just don't think its fair to say that ALL mixed-faith marriages crumble and that everyone is incapable of respect.

I agree; and I hope I haven't been quite that strident.

[Guest]

Its not always about trust... Its about people being alive and growing (and therefore changing)

He could be perfectly honest and trustworthy and still reach a point were he comes to you and says, 'you know that agreement we have... I doesn't match my interests anymore, and I wish to renegotiate'

Those kinds of things don't happen overnight. Everything that happens after marriage (change, growth,etc) is not individual anymore. There's no him and me in my marriage. There's only us. Any change/growth that happens, impacts both of us so that there's never going to be a time that we get blindsided by it. The discussion would gave occurred on day one and the growth/change would have happened to both of us - if we allowed it. So that, the marriage always moves forward in unity.

My becoming LDS did not blindside my husband. He was right there beside me as it happened every step of the way. So that, if there was a change he did not like, we would have resolved it at the onset.

Guilty as charged . . .

I agree with your sentiments in general.

Maybe I'm just jaded because a) I see so many divorces that my faith in the average engaged person's ability to exercise sound judgment in questions like this, has been deeply shaken; and b) a good friend of mine is currently in a situation where he has left the Church, his wife's still in, and there's some real tension about who can say what to the kids.

As I recall, though, your husband was already a Mormon and you ultimately embraced his faith. (right?) What if you had found yourself unable to embrace his faith? How does that shake out with the kids for the next ten, or fifteen, or twenty-five years?

Frankly, it seems to me like you were a) lucky/blessed; and b) an exception to what (we're told) the general trend is, at least where Mormon-interfaith marriages are concerned. Hopefully, everyone who marries out of the Church will have an experience like that of you and your husband. But the point I was trying to make in my reply to Amber was, marrying someone based on what you hope they might become is a dangerous way of choosing a spouse.

You think I'm lucky because you're LDS. My mother is of a different opinion. In my mother's eyes, I'm the example of complete failure. And I'm ok with that.

I didn't expect to embrace his faith at all, and he didn't expect me to. If I didn't turn LDS, the kids would have been raised Catholic per agreement. My husband attended Catholic mass every Sunday in addition to the 3-hour LDS meetings. He knew Catholic almost as much as Catholics!

I agree that you shouldn't marry someone based on the hope that he will change. At the same time, you shouldn't avoid marrying someone based on the fear that he will change... Make sense?

Edited April 30, 2011 by anatess

[estradling75]

Those kinds of things don't happen overnight. Everything that happens after marriage (change, growth,etc) is not individual anymore. There's no him and me in my marriage. There's only us. Any change/growth that happens, impacts both of us so that there's never going to be a time that we get blindsided by it. The discussion would gave occurred on day one and the growth/change would have happened to both of us - if we allowed it. So that, the marriage always moves forward in unity.

Anatess you are making the primal mistake of thinking that everyone one lives like you and your husband. They do not. All you have to do is listen to the stories of people that where blindsided by the actions of there spouse to know this. While I agree with you in that it should happen I think the 50% divorce rate speaks pretty loudly that many times it does not.

[Guest]

Anatess you are making the primal mistake of thinking that everyone one lives like you and your husband. They do not. All you have to do is listen to the stories of people that where blindsided by the actions of there spouse to know this. While I agree with you in that it should happen I think the 50% divorce rate speaks pretty loudly that many times it does not.

I'm of the opinion that people need to learn these things before they get married. If your idea of marriage is not of unity, then sure, you can't expect it to move along united. But when you strive to apply united principles, then yea, you are one. These things need to be established before the vows and then watered and fertilized after the vows.

I come from the Philippines where divorce is illegal. You learn this or be miserable until death. That's one of the things I value from my Catholic upbringing reinforced by Philippine culture. Americans can learn from Filipinos...

[estradling75]

I'm of the opinion that people need to learn these things before they get married. If your idea of marriage is not of unity, then sure, you can't expect it to move along united. But when you strive to apply united principles, then yea, you are one. These things need to be established before the vows and then watered and fertilized after the vows.

I come from the Philippines where divorce is illegal. You learn this or be miserable until death. That's one of the things I value from my Catholic upbringing reinforced by Philippine culture. Americans can learn from Filipinos...

Right but in the case of the OP, according to her own posts it appears that she did something to shatter his trust in church related things. Therefore to me it seems very unlikely that he will take her desires to be active and raise kids in the church seriously. Worse case is that he will humor her until it comes right down to the wire thinking she'll back off when pushed on it.

[shdwlkr]

I don't think anyone thinks divorce is great no matter the reason as it leaves scares that must be addressed if there is another relationship.

Second the OP did mention some in appropriate activities going on in the relationship.

Third to assume that he would ever come back to church because she has is just not accepting the reality that he might never come back.

Fourth to think he will always support the wish for the kids to be LDS is a little scary when you realize what drove him away. The way the two of you acted in the heat of the moment so to speak.

Fifth get on your knees and pray for and answer preferably both of you and when you can say you have got an answer see if it is the same or different.

Sixth never assume anything will stay the same we all have free agency and Satan just loves to mess with us so what is agreed to today can be changed in the future because of who knows what even in the best of marriages.

Seventh what religion you both are has little to do with how well you will make it as a couple. Having different religious views does put more strain on the marriage but it can work if you want it too. You two are what makes or breaks the marriage not your religion, how strong of an attachment is there, do you see the same road or different roads, do both of you pull together or do you try and go your own way, and most important how do you handle disagreements.

Edited April 30, 2011 by shdwlkr

[mrmarklin]

It can work, but you're fighting the odds. Very long ones I may add.

Why add this friction to marraige? It's tough enough as it is.

[Backroads]

I don't think anyone thinks divorce is great no matter the reason as it leaves scares that must be addressed if there is another relationship.

Second the OP did mention some in appropriate activities going on in the relationship.

Third to assume that he would ever come back to church because she has is just not accepting the reality that he might never come back.

Fourth to think he will always support the wish for the kids to be LDS is a little scary when you realize what drove him away. The way the two of you acted in the heat of the moment so to speak.

Fifth get on your knees and pray for and answer preferably both of you and when you can say you have got an answer see if it is the same or different.

Sixth never assume anything will stay the same we all have free agency and Satan just loves to mess with us so what is agreed to today can be changed in the future because of who knows what even in the best of marriages.

Seventh what religion you both are has little to do with how well you will make it as a couple. Having different religious views does put more strain on the marriage but it can work if you want it too. You two are what makes or breaks the marriage not your religion, how strong of an attachment is there, do you see the same road or different roads, do both of you pull together or do you try and go your own way, and most important how do you handle disagreements.

It seems to me it's bombing the marriage to assume the worst of the other person.

Yes, people change. Yes, he might say he wants to be supportive, may truly want to be supportive, and then later on change his mind. Which is his right. Yes, it could all happen, but it's not healthy to say he's a cad who is certain to change his mind.

I love the last few sentences of shdwlkr's post. That sums it up, not basing a marriage on whether or not you belong to the same religion.

[Backroads]

It can work, but you're fighting the odds. Very long ones I may add.

Why add this friction to marraige? It's tough enough as it is.

So you're saying that unless a couple agrees on every single little thing, it's not worth getting married? It's not worth attempting respect?

[estradling75]

So you're saying that unless a couple agrees on every single little thing, it's not worth getting married? It's not worth attempting respect?

Wow that is quite a reach off what he said. The subject is Mixed Faith marriages and a good number of the issues that brings up are hardly little things.

Given that the church strongly encourages people to marry within the faith, its clear these issues are anything but trivial

Edited May 1, 2011 by estradling75

[Backroads]

Wow that is quite a reach off what he said. The subject is Mixed Faith marriages and a good number of the issues that brings up are hardly little things.

Given that the church strongly encourages people to marry within the faith, its clear these issues are anything but trivial

Yes, indeed, the subject is mixed-faith marriages. Many people marry within the same religion--they marry someone who is not equal to them in faith and testimony and beliefs and respect and the marriage still fails.

The question was if a mixed-faith marriage can possibly work, and the aforementioned statement suggested it's not even worth it to try.

[estradling75]

Yes, indeed, the subject is mixed-faith marriages. Many people marry within the same religion--they marry someone who is not equal to them in faith and testimony and beliefs and respect and the marriage still fails.

The question was if a mixed-faith marriage can possibly work, and the aforementioned statement suggested it's not even worth it to try.

Which when looking at the potential issues is a valid opinion to have. Hardly fair to equate it to needing to agree on every little thing like you did.

[Backroads]

The suggestion was that it would cause friction. What else was I to assume but that everything that could cause friction should be avoided in a marriage? What makes it okay to marry despite very different views on having children but not okay for two responsible people who are willing to respect each other's spiritual differences to marry?

[estradling75]

The suggestion was that it would cause friction. What else was I to assume but that everything that could cause friction should be avoided in a marriage? What makes it okay to marry despite very different views on having children but not okay for two responsible people who are willing to respect each other's spiritual differences to marry?

Right it does cause friction... but it is entirely unfair to assume that mrmarklin was equating the friction that comes from fundamental differences in religion as the same friction as liking different flavors of ice cream.

As for what makes one ok over another the other. It comes down to personal preferences. When it comes to choosing a marriage partners people have different things that are deal breakers. Some might require being of the same faith, some might require same understanding of having children. Others will not care. So one person saying 'don't do it' is just as valid of an opinion 'sure go ahead' or 'make sure you talk about it first.'

Personally I think mine is best, 'Ask God' but you know that is just an opinion like everyone elses

[Backroads]

Then let's not automatically say "don't do it" and give everyone the benefit of the doubt.

[estradling75]

Then let's not automatically say "don't do it" and give everyone the benefit of the doubt.

Are we even talking the same language here? "Don't do it" is a perfectly valid opinion. You don't like it and don't agree with it which is also perfectly fine. But if you are going to argue against it you need to target what was said. Not an Exaggerated, blown out of all reasonable recognition, mockery of what was said.

[Backroads]

I did target what was said. He suggested that different faiths isn't worth bothering with in a marriage. He did not qualify it in any way. His only defense is your interpretation.

Originally Posted by mrmarklin

It can work, but you're fighting the odds. Very long ones I may add.

Why add this friction to marraige? It's tough enough as it is.

Edited May 2, 2011 by Backroads

[estradling75]

I did target what was said. He suggested that different faiths isn't worth bothering with in a marriage. He did not qualify it in any way. His only defense is your interpretation.

Indeed that is what I took from his statement.. A simple declaration that mix marriages were too much effort and to likely to fail to be worth it in his opinion

Which you responded with

So you're saying that unless a couple agrees on every single little thing, it's not worth getting married? It's not worth attempting respect?

Please note that at this point you are the one equaling mix faith marriages and the struggles that come with it as 'single little things' Not mrmarklin. No where in his post can that exaggeration be supported.