Mixed-faith marriage...can it work?

[amber83]

Hello, I am new to this site and have just been reading through threads for several months, and decided to ask for some advice.

I have been in a relationship for almost 5 years with an absolutely amazing man. I can't even begin to describe how much I care for him. We are both about to finish grad-school and are starting to plan the "next step" (marriage). He treats me wonderfully, I know he loves me and respects me, he is smart, kind, intelligent...my only concern is the church. When I met him he was a new member in the church, and a year later he was inactive. Now he is saying that he doesn't know if its true...he isn't ruling it out entirely, but he is also investigating other churches as well.

I know he had a testimony and knew it was true, and I know what ruined that. We started doing things we shouldn't have, and it killed everything for him. Now I am trying to get back into church (slow progress, but worth it) and I'm not sure if he will. He is absolutely 100% respectful of my desires to be worthy again and doesn't push me at all or question me or look down on me. I know that he would continue to be supportive and do all that he can to make me happy.

My question is...do any of you have advice on a mixed-faith marriage? Can it work? I just really have a hard time believing that if a woman goes through life as a faithful and loving wife, doing everything she can to be righteous and worthy, that the Lord will punish her for standing by a man that couldn't quite believe. There is always the hope that he would become active in the church later, but if not I honestly think that I could live with it. Any advice?

[NeuroTypical]

Ever gonna have kids? Is this potential hubby going to have problems with you taking them to church? Keeping the Sabbath day holy? Paying tithing? Kids going on missions? Getting married in the temple where he can't go? Or, will you be the one who bends, and not have any problems with them going to ballgames on Sunday, not doing a bunch of church stuff, not going on a mission, and not getting married in the temple.

Good questions to have very solid, unambiguous, fully agreed-upon answers to, before you go around marrying someone.

Choose well.

[amber83]

We both absolutely believe in choice so with children they would have the choice to go on a mission, or get married in the temple. He is perfectly fine with teaching the gospel to the children and then allowing them to choose if it is true or not, which I think is what needs to be done anyway. I am not a big fan of teaching children that if they don't go on a mission they are a failure in life. We've already discussed these things and have decided that the children can be blessed as infants, and can choose to be baptized when they are the appropriate age, and that neither of us will force them into anything (either in, or out of the church).

[Guest]

Sure, it could work. BUT - you have to decide what faith is going to be practiced at home BEFORE you get married. Make sure this is very clear and that you can remind each other of it later on when somebody reneges on the deal.

For example - I was devout Catholic, my husband LDS when we got married. We agreed that we are not going to have kids until we resolve what religion the kids are going to be raised in. We didn't agree on the specific religion - we just agreed it will have to happen before then - he was investigating Catholicism, I was investigating LDS. I became LDS, we had kids, the kids are raised LDS.

If I didn't become LDS, then the kids would have been raised Catholic and his religion would have had to take a backseat - that is, we teach Catholic principles at home. He is, of course, free to practice his faith - go to his church, pay tithing, have home teachers over, and perform priesthood blessings and callings - but it won't be taught/emphasized to the kids. The kids would have gone to church with me, attend CCD classes, get baptized as a baby, etc. etc.

Anyway, as long as you establish the guidelines right now, be sure you can respect that, and not use his inactivity (or joining another church) as a reason for divorcing him or treating him poorly, and vice versa, then you'll be ok.

It will be hard, I tell you (from experience). There will be times when it will come up between you. I will guarantee you that some time within your marriage, you will start to wish you can get sealed at the temple/etc., and would sometimes doubt if you made a big mistake. Just make sure you remember to respect and love each other regardless of your religious differences.

[LDSVALLEY]

Yes it can work but it is far harder. Both my wife and I are active members and joined together but we know many families which are part member or mixed faith and they all have additional struggles because of it. The children suffer the most because teenagers know how to play one parent off the other and when there are different standards or beliefs it makes it that much harder to raise the kids in it.

My suggestion is if your amazing man believed once then invite the Missionaries into your home to reteach the lessons to you and ask he be present for them as a support for you. If the testimony was there once this is the best chance to rekindle it. On the other hand if he wants to know if he really believes or not this is the best opportunity for him to find out as well.

From experience with new or reactivated members 90% of those who fall away, not just inactive but gone, turn against the church even when they say they will not. My guess is it's a guilt thing.

No matter what you decide I would recommend you think long and hard about the reality of life. Do you want a priesthood holder in your home for you, for children. Do you want someone to lead and direct the family in righteous partnership? Do you want a husband able to baptize your child, attend its temple wedding, be sealed as a family for time and eternity?

If I had joined the church before I met my wife and she had no interest in it being new in the church I think I would have married her anyway. If something happened to my wife and I met another Lady outside the church now I would most likely walk away before it got serious because of what I have learned in the Gospel over 15 years.

Pray

[Blackmarch]

Hello, I am new to this site and have just been reading through threads for several months, and decided to ask for some advice.

I have been in a relationship for almost 5 years with an absolutely amazing man. I can't even begin to describe how much I care for him. We are both about to finish grad-school and are starting to plan the "next step" (marriage). He treats me wonderfully, I know he loves me and respects me, he is smart, kind, intelligent...my only concern is the church. When I met him he was a new member in the church, and a year later he was inactive. Now he is saying that he doesn't know if its true...he isn't ruling it out entirely, but he is also investigating other churches as well.

I know he had a testimony and knew it was true, and I know what ruined that. We started doing things we shouldn't have, and it killed everything for him. Now I am trying to get back into church (slow progress, but worth it) and I'm not sure if he will. He is absolutely 100% respectful of my desires to be worthy again and doesn't push me at all or question me or look down on me. I know that he would continue to be supportive and do all that he can to make me happy.

My question is...do any of you have advice on a mixed-faith marriage? Can it work? I just really have a hard time believing that if a woman goes through life as a faithful and loving wife, doing everything she can to be righteous and worthy, that the Lord will punish her for standing by a man that couldn't quite believe. There is always the hope that he would become active in the church later, but if not I honestly think that I could live with it. Any advice?

no he won't punish her, however he cannot undo law, so if the spouse that fell away does not repent and renew said covenants that spouse will not be able to enter the celestial kingdom. If the other does all they can to be faithful and obedient to the Lord as they are able, they will not be denied any blessing, which includes being able to enter the celestial kingdom.

I think it is great to know that we are not punished for another's misdeeds. (altho the consequneces of such may affect us in this life)

[amber83]

no he won't punish her, however he cannot undo law, so if the spouse that fell away does not repent and renew said covenants that spouse will not be able to enter the celestial kingdom. If the other does all they can to be faithful and obedient to the Lord as they are able, they will not be denied any blessing, which includes being able to enter the celestial kingdom.

I think it is great to know that we are not punished for another's misdeeds. (altho the consequneces of such may affect us in this life)

Would she be punished though for choosing to marry someone that was already inactive knowing that there was a chance that he would never return?

[Just_A_Guy]

We both absolutely believe in choice so with children they would have the choice to go on a mission, or get married in the temple. He is perfectly fine with teaching the gospel to the children and then allowing them to choose if it is true or not, which I think is what needs to be done anyway.

So, he's going to teach them the "truth" of something that he doesn't believe himself?

He might think he's OK doing that now, but sooner or later he's going to decide he can't "live a lie". And he won't want it taught to his kids, either. Whether passively or aggressively, he'll begin undermining their religious instruction.

I almost get a vibe from you that you feel like you're responsible for his loss of testimony and it's your job to "fix him" even if it takes your whole life. IMHO, marrying him for this reason would be a very, very bad idea.

[amber83]

It definately is my fault...even my bishop agrees with that. But I do love him and want to be with him, so I wouldn't marry him just to "fix" him. I know that he may never come back to the church and that I may not be able to "fix" what I've done.

[rex8499]

I think that if I were in your position I would marry them still and hope/pray/strive for the best results.

[amber83]

So, he's going to teach them the "truth" of something that he doesn't believe himself?

He might think he's OK doing that now, but sooner or later he's going to decide he can't "live a lie". And he won't want it taught to his kids, either. Whether passively or aggressively, he'll begin undermining their religious instruction.

QUOTE]

No, he won't teach the "truth" of it, he will probably not teach much at all about the LDS church...I will. We will have FHE based on values rather than LDS doctrine, we will have family prayers, and we will also teach our children about other religions so they can make an informed choice.

[swampgeek]

I am in a "mixed" marriage now. I am LDS and my wife is not. She has met with the missionaries and we have had many discussions throughout our marriage about religion. We both were divorced and we have 7 kids between us.

BEFORE we got married we had many long talks about all the important things, religion, money, kids (having any more and how we were going to raise the ones we have), politics, etc. The things that tend to get glossed over when you are young and doe-eyed in love. I wish I had been more "adult" about my first marriage. She knew I was LDS and I explained the ramifications of that, to us, to our kids, to our household. We BOTH made some tough decisions TOGETHER. We did get married, obviously, and she is investigating the Church on her own. We attend church together and all younger kids (under 17) go with us. They have their own agency as well. My middle daughter (13) was recently baptized and one of my younger sons is getting ready to take the discussions himself. The other kids are at different places, my wife's three are following the religion of there grand father who is a pastor.

Ultimately, you both have to make the hard decisions NOW, not after and not see how it turns out later. It makes a difference. A quick story: My wife and I had decided that we were not going to have any more kids. Taking care of the 7 we have, mixed family and all, was quite enough. I know that there are diverging opinions on this as well, but we made the decision for our family. About a year later my wife started making the "oh, look at the precious baby" remarks and semi joked about us changing things and having another. Three days later I had my vasectomy.

Anyway, there are some things that you have to make sure you both can handle and agree upon. Life changes, granted, but set the ground rules early. Love can conquer all, but it's not all there is to a relationship. Sorry. Can he come back to the faith? Surely. I did. All can be overcome, patience, love, prayer, and understanding with a proper dose of time. Good luck.

[amber83]

swampgeek~

Thank you so much, that was very helpful. I've been afraid to have those hard conversations but we need to start having them.

[beefche]

From my experiences in observing part member families (including my own), what I have typically found is that the faithful spouse falls away from activity and belief more so than staying status quo or the less-faithful spouse becoming active/believer. Of course this is completely based on my own observances and doesn't apply to every single situation. But, I've been in this ward for many years now and I can only think of one family through the years that the wife (member) has stayed relatively active (she's had bouts of inactivity through the years) and the husband (non-member) generally supports her activity (although he had some issues with one of her callings).

And, I must say, his choices in life are HIS CHOICES. No, regardless of what your bishop said, it is NOT YOUR FAULT he fell away from activity/church. You may have influenced him, but it was ultimately his choice.

[Backroads]

So, he's going to teach them the "truth" of something that he doesn't believe himself?

He might think he's OK doing that now, but sooner or later he's going to decide he can't "live a lie". And he won't want it taught to his kids, either. Whether passively or aggressively, he'll begin undermining their religious instruction.

I almost get a vibe from you that you feel like you're responsible for his loss of testimony and it's your job to "fix him" even if it takes your whole life. IMHO, marrying him for this reason would be a very, very bad idea.

I don't know if this is what definitly will happen, and it's a little paranoid to assume as much.

Rather than try to "live a lie", he should just be honest about his beliefs. He's not pretending for the kids that he's LDS, and everyone seems willing to let the kids eventually make their own decision. If he were indeed pretending to be LDS and interested in it or if really is not okay with the kids being raised as such, then not speaking up would be living a lie. This is the time to bring it up.

[Just_A_Guy]

I don't know if this is what definitly will happen, and it's a little paranoid to assume as much.

Sure; but we're talking about marriage here. I don't marry someone on the strength of "well, three people out of four tend to do this, but my spouse might not . . ."

When you're choosing a marriage partner, I would submit that a little paranoia is a good thing.

Rather than try to "live a lie", he should just be honest about his beliefs.

I agree; but that's the thing.

Do you really want to bring your kids home from a powerful testimony meeting and have their father immediately "explain" to them that what they've felt is the effect of a "frenzied mind"?

Edited April 28, 2011 by Just_A_Guy

[Guest]

From my experiences in observing part member families (including my own), what I have typically found is that the faithful spouse falls away from activity and belief more so than staying status quo or the less-faithful spouse becoming active/believer. Of course this is completely based on my own observances and doesn't apply to every single situation. But, I've been in this ward for many years now and I can only think of one family through the years that the wife (member) has stayed relatively active (she's had bouts of inactivity through the years) and the husband (non-member) generally supports her activity (although he had some issues with one of her callings).

And, I must say, his choices in life are HIS CHOICES. No, regardless of what your bishop said, it is NOT YOUR FAULT he fell away from activity/church. You may have influenced him, but it was ultimately his choice.

I don't know how many inactive people from part-member families in our ward - I personally only know of 2 - one of them has a wife who is a devout Catholic who told him the only way she would marry him is if he gets married in the Catholic church, raise Catholic children and quit going to the LDS church -which he did right after they got married. Then the other is a young woman who was married to a return missionary who left her... he just upped and left - she later found out that he is wanted by the feds for embezzlement or some such. She divorced, became inactive, got remarried to a non-member and stayed inactive.

But I do know we have several them (at least 4 off the top of my head) who are active members from part-member families. One of them has been married over 20 years and we've never seen her husband. Another one of them has a husband who goes to church - he's our most active non-member in the ward .

So, basing from my experience, it's inconclusive...

[Backroads]

Sure; but we're talking about marriage here. I don't marry someone on the strength of "well, three people out of four tend to do this, but my spouse might not . . ."

When you're choosing a marriage partner, I would submit that a little paranoia is a good thing.

I agree; but that's the thing.

Do you really want to bring your kids home from a powerful testimony meeting and have their father immediately "explain" to them that what they've felt is the effect of a "frenzied mind"?

If the father had previously decided to respect his kids' beliefs, I don't know why this would happen.

I"m not saying it doesn't happen, just that it seems a bit much to assume all differently believing partners are going to dissect their loved ones' beliefs.

[bytor2112]

I think perhaps an absolutely amazing man would have planned for marriage much sooner than five years. Maybe you should focus on you and repentance and then see if he fits your ideal of an absolutely amazing man. My suggestion would be to NOT marry him and have faith that the Lord will lead you in the right direction.

[Just_A_Guy]

I see what you're saying, Backroads.

I'm just thinking it's asking a lot to expect a father to give away his right to teach his children the "truth" as he sees it.

[Guest]

I see what you're saying, Backroads.

I'm just thinking it's asking a lot to expect a father to give away his right to teach his children the "truth" as he sees it.

It's not asking a lot if that's the agreement before the marriage. He should have expected that already, or not go forward with the wedding if that's unacceptable. Having the agreement then reneging on it when the children are born is tantamount to deception. And that happens when one or the other loses respect for the spouse.

[Backroads]

It's not asking a lot if that's the agreement before the marriage. He should have expected that already, or not go forward with the wedding if that's unacceptable. Having the agreement then reneging on it when the children are born is tantamount to deception. And that happens when one or the other loses respect for the spouse.

And I think this is what JaG was missing out on, this concept.

If a spouse were told right out of the blue he or she couldn't share his/her spiritual feelings with children, then yes, that's definitely asking way too much and I don't think anyone will argue.

I was arguing, like anatess, that if priorly agreeing, the spouse needs to show some respect.

If a spouse makes that agreement prior to marriage, then later decides he/she can't handle it, it will have to be discussed with the family, preferrably the other spouse. Going right up the kids and telling them their beliefs are wrong is disrespectful to not just the kids but the spouse with whom the agreement was made.

[Just_A_Guy]

Trust me, Backroads; I'm not missing out on the idea of promises or contracts. If/when Amber's fiancee begins doing the kinds of things I've warned about, I'll happily join ya'll in condemning the guy as a bounder and a cad. But that'll be cold comfort for Amber. In my line of work, I talk to a lot of people who are Right™.

They are also in the middle of getting divorced.

The simple truths are that a) faith evolves; b) most men whose wives see them as missionary projects, don't change; and c) sooner or later, a man is going to chafe at his wife's insisting on censoring his (he believes) sincerely held religious views.

Amber's gentleman caller is inviting trouble by making promises whose import he has no way of fully comprehending at this moment. But, knowing that, I would submit (with all the regard and concern possible in an online discussion) that she's inviting trouble by believing him.

Edited April 28, 2011 by Just_A_Guy

[Guest]

Trust me, Backroads; I'm not missing out on the idea of promises or contracts. If/when Amber's fiancee begins doing the kinds of things I've warned about, I'll happily join ya'll in condemning the guy as a bounder and a cad. But that'll be cold comfort for Amber. In my line of work, I talk to a lot of people who are Right™.

They are also in the middle of getting divorced.

The simple truths are that a) faith evolves; b) most men whose wives see them as missionary projects, don't change; and c) sooner or later, a man is going to chafe at his wife's insisting on censoring his (he believes) sincerely held religious views.

Amber's gentleman caller is inviting trouble by making promises whose import he has no way of fully comprehending at this moment. But, knowing that, I would submit (with all the regard and concern possible in an online discussion) that she's inviting trouble by believing him.

You lawyer you.

I married my husband hoping that he will become Catholic. But, we both promised we will respect each other's faiths and decide on the faith of the children before they are born.

I trusted him and I do not believe I was inviting trouble by believing him. Neither did my husband invite trouble by believing me.

Why do I say that? Because - we knew each other. We knew we are not the type of people who will make that kind of trouble for each other.

Now, if he was a person who I can't trust... then that might be a different situation. But, if you can't trust the word of the person you are going to marry - you probably shouldn't marry him. Even if he shares the same religion as you!

[estradling75]

Its not always about trust... Its about people being alive and growing (and therefore changing)

He could be perfectly honest and trustworthy and still reach a point were he comes to you and says, 'you know that agreement we have... I doesn't match my interests anymore, and I wish to renegotiate'