"Been there, done that"

[Bini]

On another forum I frequent, a mother talked about her 11-year old daughter losing her virginity to a 14-year old boy. She was devasted. From what I gathered from the mother's post, her daughter is strong-headed and already on a rebellious streak. Despite sitting down and trying to discuss the concerns of potential pregnancy and contracting an STD, the girl was unamused and uninterested in what mum had to say. So the mother's last option (she felt) was to have a teenage mother intervene and talk about the consequences of preteen/teen sex and becoming a parent.

Do you think the person whose "been there, done that" is the best candidate to talk about sensitive topics, when the parents fail to make a connection with their child? Do you think "been there, done that" individuals will have a greater impact (positive or negative)?

[Gwen]

I think they have their place, especially when dealing with teens. I also think they are most effective when it's not the parent saying "I've been there, trust me".

I know a man that did some stupid things growing up. As an adult he worked with troubled youth. When they came back with mess like "you just don't understand" he could combat that. He very much understood. He was on the same path they were. He turned his life around and they could too.

On the other hand I know a mother that made some stupid mistakes as a teen. She had a child fairly young. When that child became a teen and started making some foolish decisions she couldn't correct him. Every time she tried he would throw it back in her face, "you were far worse than I am, who are you to tell me I can't".

This is part of why I appreciate the youth program the church has. It provides adults for the youth to look up to and turn to for advise (when they just won't talk to mom or dad) and you can mostly trust that they will give the same counsel that the parent would. You back each other up. The kids get the advise from more than one witness.

[pam]

I think they have their place, especially when dealing with teens. I also think they are most effective when it's not the parent saying "I've been there, trust me".

I know a man that did some stupid things growing up. As an adult he worked with troubled youth. When they came back with mess like "you just don't understand" he could combat that. He very much understood. He was on the same path they were. He turned his life around and they could too.

On the other hand I know a mother that made some stupid mistakes as a teen. She had a child fairly young. When that child became a teen and started making some foolish decisions she couldn't correct him. Every time she tried he would throw it back in her face, "you were far worse than I am, who are you to tell me I can't".

This is part of why I appreciate the youth program the church has. It provides adults for the youth to look up to and turn to for advise (when they just won't talk to mom or dad) and you can mostly trust that they will give the same counsel that the parent would. You back each other up. The kids get the advise from more than one witness.

Where is Gwen and what have you done with her?

[Gwen]

Where is Gwen and what have you done with her?

I'm not sure what you mean. lol Are you referring to my capital letters and paragraphs? lol

[Dravin]

Sometimes it can backfire though, not only in the way Gwen points out with the Mom, but if you have someone who has turned around their life and is in a good place it can kinda destroy the appearance of consequences. Kinda like a CEO who smoked pot telling a group of kids not to do it because it'll screw up your life. On the flip side, if the person is in a very obvious bad place because of their choices it is easier for someone to convince themselves that they are a special case, that the future can't possibly be that bad from what they are doing.

[Guest]

Teen-agers always have this "I'm invincible" attitude... that everything bad "can't happen to me".

You can warn them as much as you can, they will not see it unless they are willing to see it. The 11-year-old is not stupid. You can have the "been there, done that" talk with them, it won't work. Because, unless she's ready to see it, she will brush that off as, "that's you, not me". Right now, she is enjoying the sex seemingly without the dire consequence. Until the day she has to suffer the consequence for it. Then she'll learn. Sometimes, for some folks, that's just the only way they learn.

The trick here is to establish the lesson while their minds are still open - while they're younger. That's why I don't shelter my kids to the point that they don't see the bad realities of life. Because, eventually, they will face it. And they have to make the choice. Better for them to be armed with knowledge of the full consequence of such action rather than try to understand the reality of it when they're already neck-deep in the situation.

It doesn't guarantee that they will not do stupid things, but at least you can be assured that you have done everything in your power. You can't live their lives for them, so they might have to just go the wrong way until they figure it out.

Edited April 28, 2011 by anatess

[Jennarator]

I have seen people try to get someone has has "been there" talk to a child and the child's resopnse is, "well that person turned out ok."

[NeuroTypical]

Do you think the person whose "been there, done that" is the best candidate to talk about sensitive topics

The best candidate to talk about sensitive topics is the parent who understands the source of the child's rebellious behavior. Kids usually rebel against something - what is that something? Understand that and fix it - otherwise you're just treating symptoms.

[Bini]

I agree with the points that everyone has made. I also think that because every child behaves and responds differently, that no one method will work for all children. Parents knowing how to approach a "touchy" situation plays a large part in how kids react.

[Iggy]

Perhaps your friend should check this out- Pam Stenzel's DVD Curriculum "Love Lessons-Purity is Possible"

7 years ago our Branch President showed the video Sex Has A Price Tag- Faith based, to all of the adults in our branch. If the parents wanted their child(ren) to see, then they could borrow the video. Every single parent opted to show it to their children-

I learned a LOT from viewing it, as an adult. I know two households in my branch who went on line and bought more of her videos (DVDs) and show them to their children as they age.

She doesn't push her Catholic faith, she pushes faith in Christ and obedience in your Christ based faith.

[Guest mormonmusic]

I'm of the mind parents should be perceived as having lived a clean life. I never talk about any of the thing things I did like smoking before I became a member of the church. I did mention once that when I was 5 I stole a gumball from a store. Then I explained how my mother made me take it back and that no one should ever do such a thing. That week my son stole something from the store. When I said "Why did you do that???". He said "YOU did it, so I wanted to try it".

So, unfortunately, if you've done something wrong, it's best to leave it as a skeleton in your closet.

I AM a big proponent of them talking to other Been There, Done That folks. This is a popular unfreezing technique used to change people's minds about experimenting with various sins and such. Create experiences that change their minds -- they can be very powerful -- and talking to someone who regrets past sins wholeheartedly is one method of doing so. And if there are visible negative effects from their bad choices, so much the better.

[pam]

I'm not sure what you mean. lol Are you referring to my capital letters and paragraphs? lol

That's exactly what I was referring to. :)

[slamjet]

I found out that the best #1 rule of parenting is to never, ever look shocked.

My kids have come up with the darnedest things and because I learned to not look shocked (even though I'm going mad inside) it has helped the situation rather than hinder. They are more willing to talk to be about boyfriends, "women issues" (which I calmly pass off onto mother) and, in the case of my oldest, roommate issues because they know I'm not going to fly off the handle. Thus far (knock on wood) my kids have been pretty well behaved considering.

[Gwen]

That's exactly what I was referring to. :)

I'm just trying it on for awhile so don't be disappointed if it doesn't last. I am glad someone noticed though, I was starting to wonder. lol

[Gramajane]

I am not taking time to read other replies,

and it is serious as apparently the girl has not realized that no one can really "prevent her" from making bad choices.

the VERY BEST thing I can recommend is that the parents get the "Love and Logic" parenting helps (look on line) which use first empathy (not anger !) and logic with the CHILD learning by choices between things (from toddler age early in life is best!) to think for themselves--

"how might this choice effect me and my future choices?"

so --- also is it MAJOR that the child and parent have a good relationship-- which the methods of the L&L totally promote as it is how I see God works with us!

but it is not too late--

and there is a video called "A time to Love" made by LDS that might help-- but the best is L&L!

[Gramajane]

Might I say here, that we raised 5 kids of our own, all now temple married, and all served missions! Plus we did foster care for 10 years, and the Love and Logic parenting is the greatest thing!

[LDSJewess]

This is a hard one for me to even comprehend. Sometimes I feel like I dropped in on another planet when it comes to how kids are raised today.

I hate to point blame, but where on earth are the parents of an 11 year old child. I mean not just when the child is 11 but from the beginning.

I am all for love and logic. I raised two alone and my husband and I have 5 together an 14 grandkids and one great. When our children were 11 they were supervised. I worked long hours as a single parent and was often even out of town but my children at that age were never without the supervision of a responsible adult.

If we treat children like adults and give them freedom that they cannot handle at such young ages, they make wrong decisions.

Once they are 16 and driving, working and dating it is harder to know where they are and what they are doing, but if supervision is in place from the beginning it makes it a lot easier in later years.

[Gramajane]

We only give age appropriate choices and we DO supervise from birth with the choices small when they are small and get larger as they do.