Another brother issue

[Backroads]

I think I'm bringing this more up for discussion, but I have a brother that has been pestering for advice on this.

My brother has been dating a very nice girl for awhile now. She's cute, smart, etc. He is tossing around the idea of marriage. However, this girl has a bit of past. She's repented, but it really bothers my brother.

Ultimately it's up to my brother and that's what we're telling him. We've also been reminding of him of the power of repentance.

In my view, she's done all that's required of her by repenting. She can't erase the past. But it's not fair to either of them to be in a relationship where he is judging her.

So... what are you thoughts on marrying someone who has "a past"?

[estradling75]

It can be done and done successfully... But you have to be able to overcome any preconceived notions/disappointments when the 'past' is revealed in order to move forward.

In the case of your brother while it is his choice... he should not do so unless he can leave her past in the past. Marriage requires to much work and sacrifice from both parties to add the additional weight of trying to live up to what is now clearly an impossible expectation.

[beefche]

Is it possible these doubts and concerns are coming from the Spirit? Obviously, not the judgment--it isn't up to your brother to determine her worthiness. But, perhaps, for whatever reason, this girl isn't a good match for him and he isn't hearing other ways the Spirit may be talking to him.

[john doe]

If he can't get past his feelings of doubt, then he needs to move on. Most marriages I have known where one of the participants had nagging doubts going in have ended badly.

[Motormary]

If it "really bothers him" and he "can't get over it", yet she has fully repented and been cleared by the proper authorities, he needs to find someone else, or perhaps put off the idea of marriage until he is more mature. He's doing her a huge disservice by continuing to judge her for actions she has repented of, and if he can't let go of them, he is the one with the problem, and trust me, this will continue to be an issue if he can't deal with it now. If I were her I would run far, far away.

[Netgood]

She may be right in the eyes of God, but that does not mean the experiences have not had an effect on her that they will have to deal with. I remember seeing a study that the more partners a woman has before marriage greatly increases the likelihood that she will divorce when she gets married.

Her past could come around in the form of friends tempting her, and they should have an agreement about how to deal with things like this.

[classylady]

Most likely if it bothers him now, it won't get any better after marriage--only worse. When you're dating and looking for a spouse, there are certain things you look for. What's important to one person may not be important to another--everyone's list will be different.

I just see this as a red flag. There were some red flags with my husband before I married him. I wish I would have paid more attention to them. Those red flags have never gone away. What bothered me then, still bothers me now today--30 years later, and it hasn't gotten any better.

[Guest Chouchou]

If he can't get over it, then he won't be able to fully accept all of her. Her past is an important part of herself and she will carry the memory and the lessons she learned from it with her for the rest of her life. which isn't a bad thing at all. She's older and wiser now. If he can't accept it, then he should move on, but I still think it is his lose.

@Netgood - do you still have that study?

[Vort]

I think I'm bringing this more up for discussion, but I have a brother that has been pestering for advice on this.

My brother has been dating a very nice girl for awhile now. She's cute, smart, etc. He is tossing around the idea of marriage. However, this girl has a bit of past. She's repented, but it really bothers my brother.

Ultimately it's up to my brother and that's what we're telling him. We've also been reminding of him of the power of repentance.

In my view, she's done all that's required of her by repenting. She can't erase the past. But it's not fair to either of them to be in a relationship where he is judging her.

So... what are you thoughts on marrying someone who has "a past"?

If your brother is bothered by it, he should not pursue the relationship. If he is deeply bothered by anything about her, however trivial or profound, he should not pursue the relationship.

It's easy to get judgmental and condemnatory toward someone who doesn't want to marry a specific person because of that person's sexual past or accent or skin color or halitosis or weight or bad grammar or annoying facial tic or donkey-like laugh or love of stinky cheese or whatever else. Doesn't matter if you think it's a stupid reason. Doesn't even matter if you're right. A person gets to choose his or her mate for whatever reasons s/he finds sufficient. As long as that mate agrees, that's how it goes.

People have chosen to marry or forgo marriage to a person for much stupider reasons than that s/he didn't like his/her friend's sexual past. If it's a deal-breaker for your brother, that's his business and his right to make that determination.

[sweetiepie]

I was the typical "good" mormon girl and I saved myself for my future husband and never wanted anything less from him. I never even french kissed anyone else before him. However, after a few dates and when things were starting to get more serious, my (now husband) told me he had been with someone before me. He had repented, gone back to church, and was so scared that his actions would hurt his future wife (me). I was shocked, and needed time to think. After one prayer, I was told by the spirit that if Heavenly Father had forgiven him, then so should I. I went to him and said that I forgave him and that I loved him even more for overcoming that in his life so we could find each other.

14 years later, 5 children, and we are still very much in love. It changed nothing.

[billsmith]

I love the fact that you can be totally anonymous on this site and therefore share stuff you otherwise could not. Funny how much easier it is to be honest this way

So here is my experience. I proposed to my wife and she accepted. Then, 5 minutes later, she told me she had something to tell me - that she had an abortion. I was a bit taken aback, but I told her that everyone makes mistakes and that it didn't change how I felt about her. She wanted to be married in the temple so what was the problem? Well, slowly but surely I have discovered lots of other nifty tidbits. For example, she has had about 60 partners before I came along. She has had threesomes, done "swapping" with her ex boyfriends, etc etc. I decided that since she had put all that behind her that we could go forward though.

I lost my virginity to her on our wedding night. Clear sailing right? Well kinda. What she carried with her into the marriage was a bit of a pornography problem. I still remember finding the hardcore tapes under the bed one day. One had a picture with about 9 men standing around one girl... ewwwww. She has overcome that issue for the most part. She has the occasional relapse but it isn't common. I really don't worry about that too much because I know she is trying to quit completely.

All that said, I concur with the earlier post about the ramifications to her because of her rather unorthodox past. She deals with a tremendous amount of remorse for her past lifestyle and feels like she will never be truly accepted by her relief society sisters. (None of them know about her past but she feels like they are able to "just tell" anyway). She suffers from depression. I'm not sure if that is a result of her past, or whether her past was largely due to her depression. I won't, of course, discount the possibility that it is just me. Whatever the reason, my point is that people can have a very difficult time letting go of their past.

I have to make it clear that she is a great gal in a lot of respects and that I wouldn't trade her for the world. Actually sometimes there are a few advantages. (My wife is an unbelievable sex partner for example. I know I don't have much to compare it to but I'm pretty sure that her talent and creativity in the bedroom would not be quite so pronounced if she had not had a bit of experience before she settled into the whole monogamy thing.

I guess my point is that if people can move past that stuff then there is happiness to be had, but tell your brother that life ain't gonna be roses. I'm kinda happy but I have to admit I get pretty drained by her depression and sometimes feel like I haven't got a lot left. An inspired bishop gave me a Sunday calling so I don't slack on attending church. That three hours is such a vital recharge. thankfully she has been better for the last few months. I keep hoping that one day she will be a lot better. God knows I'm not anywhere close to perfect and I'm glad she puts up with all of my crapola. What gets me through is the fact that all this mortal stuff is temporary, and I know that she loves me. Who really cares how hard things get in this life. We will be on to the next one in the blink of an eye and a billion years from now all our drama here will seem pretty trivial.

Personally I think we stress way too much about whether or not we will have the WJCE. (Ward and June Cleaver Experience). I know that every little Molly and Peter dream of growing up and marrying the ideal guy or gal and living the perfect lifestyle. Unfortunately I think that a lot of us wind up pretending to our neighbors that we are living that lifestyle and wondering why life isn't like the brochure we got in Young Mens / Womens.