Being "volunteered" and other issues...

[blackknight5k]

Having just gotten back into the church in the last year or so, and being away for over 10 years, I need to know the answer to this question - when did they stop asking for volunteers for things and just start assigning tasks? I don't mind volunteering, but when you ask for volunteers you get someone who can actually morph their schedule around the task instead of sending out assignments via email a few weeks in advance. Instead, you get an alphabetical list sent out every month saying "here's your x assignment". I just got assigned to splits on the 3rd of July. I was already planning on going out of town for the extended weekend with my family - but now in addition to making holiday plans I also have to find someone to take my spot for something I didn't know I was going to do until a few weeks in advance! A few other members on the list aren't even active, and another is going to Utah for a month leaving in 4 days but just got this assignment last night saying "oh yeah, in 2 weeks you have splits". He won't even be in this part of the country!

So far we've been "volunteered" to feed the missionaries, which we didn't mind the first time, but the 2nd time the Sister became pushy because we said we couldn't at all for a month because my Son was due during the time frame and we'd already been to the hospital once with complications, ended up going one more time (near a night we had to feed the missionaries) then she was induced and in the hospital for almost a week. We COULDN'T feed the missionaries that month, but the lady felt like getting pushy. Then I was volunteered to clean the meeting house - which thankfully worked with my schedule and was actually sent ahead of time.

In addition to those two things, I've been volunteered for last minute moves that I hardly had a chance to get the email for.

Now what's kicked me over the edge, my wife was baptized in late February. At her baptism after her confirmation and the closing prayer a Sister walks up and says "I'm so-and-so and I'm you're visiting teaching companion" - my wife, who was hardly 10 minutes out of the baptismal font said "huh?" She didn't have time to get an answer because everyone wanted to congratulate her. So, a week goes by and we have some friends over from the church and tell them the story - the said "oh, maybe she's one of the companions who are your visiting teachers" and we both said "huh, I guess that makes since". Months later this Sister starts contacting my wife telling her more and more about visiting teaching, lo and behold my wife was assigned a task before she was even baptized or anything. The next month my wife had the baby, so couldn't go do anything (mentioned above) - now on the 31st of last month her visiting teaching companion comes over and says "so I have to get visiting teaching done this week because my kids will be out of the school for the summer, also next month I can only do it during this week, and in august I'd like to do it the last week" - she she came over and told my wife "this is when I can do it and that's when we'll do it" My wife was shocked and just said "ok" and never heard anything back until this past week when her companion came to her AGAIN and said "oh yeah, sorry I didn't get back to you" - my wife offered to call the women and make the appointments but her companion said "oh no, I'll call them and you can teach the lessons since I'm making the appointments"....what the crap is that? My wife hasn't been a member for long and she's already been told that she will teach the lessons all on her own. The next day her companion calls her and says "can you come to so-and-so's house to visit teach at 1:00" (it was 11:30). This week my daughter is out of school and of course my wife still has a newborn and was just given an hour and a half to get them both ready to go to someone else's house - and she has no car (we have one car and I had it with me at work). She politely tells the companion that she can't just give an hour and a half notice to go and that she'll need at least a day or 2 notice since we have so much going on.

All this is hitting us pretty much at once, she's really frustrated because 1 - she was never told by anyone other than her companion that she had the assignment, she doesn't even know who all of the women are she is suppose to teach, and 2 - her companion is being very rude and pushy.

I don't want to sound like I don't want to serve, I do, but I preferred the old way. If someone would say "hey, we need meals for the missionaries during these days" we'd sign up when we can. If someone said "the missionaries need people to do splits" I'd probably go out one night every other week or more when I can. I can volunteer to move people as much as I can, but only when I can and not last minute being volunteered. I really want to serve, but not in this way. I feel like this takes it from "service from the heart" to "mandatory service".

[Jennarator]

Wow, I have not been in a ward that is so pushy. I don't think that is normal. All the ward I have been in ask for help and if the really need someone for something, they will ask, never just assume.

[estradling75]

I have seen bits of this as well.

In many cases the all volunteer model tends to get the same people over and over again. You could have a sizable quorum of elders (or other group) and the same two to five people are the ones that end up doing all the work. All the time. This is not the way the Lord intended it to be either, and this core group usually ends up burning out.

The assignment model is suppose to be a more personal calling time arrangement designed to get those that need just a little bit of a kick to step up. At the very least it makes the person need to find a replacement on assignment they can't fill personally and thus take a more active role. This is nice in theory but as you have noted there are some downsides.

I also prefer the sign up model, but if your ward is having problems with getting people to sign up... well then the assignment model tends to become necessary just to keep things functioning

[skippy740]

"To live with Saints in heaven is full of bliss and glory. To live with Saints on Earth... is quite a different story."

Wow is right! You can't "force" gospel activity and activities on people. However, it's my guess that they'd rather beg for forgiveness than ask for permission?

I've seen a little of this in the past. They'd just hand out assignments for the month, and now it's your responsibility to either "trade" schedules, or fulfill the assignment.

But not for everything!

Your wife VT companion... well, I know one lady that seems similar to her. I'd say it's just personality... but the rest of everything just doesn't sound right.

Here's what I would do:

1) Discuss this with your Bishop. Discuss concerns about how your wife is being "introduced" into church service. Explain what you explained here, but you're concerned about the foundation of faith and testimony based on such treatment.

2) Insist that your wife is assigned a NEW VT companion. This one isn't the right one for her at this time. If they "say" there isn't anyone else... they need to make a companionship change. As the patriarch of your home, you have the right and duty to make this request.

3) Learn to "push back" a little - especially on assignments that are given little or no notice. "Lack of planning on your part does NOT constitute an emergency on MY part." If you already have plans, you need to indicate that you already have a prior commitment that you can't break.

4) Trade assignments with someone where you both can serve. If you can't do the assignment on a Thursday night, but you can on Saturday morning, see if there's someone who can swap it with you.

I hope this helps some?

[Vort]

What estradling said. I am sorry your wife is getting pushed into the deep end on her first day at the pool. I wish those in charge would be wiser and more judicious in making such assignments. But in some wards, where the 20% of the volunteers are constantly carrying the other 80%, assignments just make more sense than volunteering. Hopefully, your wife can understand the reason behind the efforts and try to accept the situation gracefully.

Of course, if you have prior commitments then you can't take the assignment. But you should at least try to find a replacement. And never use "prior commitments" as an excuse to avoid doing something you don't like. No one else particularly likes it, either, but it needs to be done. When we share the workload, everything gets done without anyone having to be a martyr.

[applepansy]

I've never been in a ward that pushy either. We send around sign up sheets for splits and feeding the missionaries.

I don't respond to someone assuming I will do something or other very well. But I'll volunteer for more than I can do sometimes.

Having said that, in your situation I would explain to the person doing the assigning what will or won't work for you. "I'll be out of town at the time you've assigned me to do splits and I won't be there." Or "My wife is expecting and we just can't take on the added responsibility of feeding the missionaries this month, do not schedule us."

Be direct some members can get over zealous.

As for visiting teaching, I've asked to not be assigned as a VT. I've tried and it just doesn't work out well with my health issues. My advice for your wife is be direct with this sister about what she can and cannot do. From what you've posted it sounds like the sister is taking advantage of your wife's lack of knowledge. If there continues to be a problem talk with the RS President. In our ward new members are given a calling but it is assigned by the Bishop. They are also assigned to attend the Gospel Principles class by the Bishop (unless there are reasons they should attend Gospel Doctrine). I'm surprised the RS President didn't contact your wife directly. Knowing me I would probably assume someone is too busy to be aware and sensitive to new member needs and new family needs OR maybe they just don't know what is going on in your family. So... tell the Bishop.

I don't want to sound like I don't want to serve, I do, but I preferred the old way. If someone would say "hey, we need meals for the missionaries during these days" we'd sign up when we can. If someone said "the missionaries need people to do splits" I'd probably go out one night every other week or more when I can. I can volunteer to move people as much as I can, but only when I can and not last minute being volunteered. I really want to serve, but not in this way. I feel like this takes it from "service from the heart" to "mandatory service".

You need to say this to the Bishop.

[blackknight5k]

"To live with Saints in heaven is full of bliss and glory. To live with Saints on Earth... is quite a different story."

This is so true, going on my list of quotes

Also, thanks for all your other advice. I'll make an appointment to talk to the bishop as soon as possible.

What estradling said. I am sorry your wife is getting pushed into the deep end on her first day at the pool. I wish those in charge would be wiser and more judicious in making such assignments. But in some wards, where the 20% of the volunteers are constantly carrying the other 80%, assignments just make more sense than volunteering. Hopefully, your wife can understand the reason behind the efforts and try to accept the situation gracefully.

Of course, if you have prior commitments then you can't take the assignment. But you should at least try to find a replacement. And never use "prior commitments" as an excuse to avoid doing something you don't like. No one else particularly likes it, either, but it needs to be done. When we share the workload, everything gets done without anyone having to be a martyr.

We have an odd ward, we have a core group of members who live in the area that hardly fill up the chapel, but in the summer we get slammed with all these younger couples from Utah and California who are here to sell pest control and alarm systems. Our ward size doubles over the summer, then cuts down. The core group are all very active - I was surprised to hear that we are each only assigned 2 hometeaching families because there are so few inactive members and so many active members. I honestly think in any of the wards the volunteer model would work, it would be this one because there are so many active and helpful members in the core. I personally was assigned to be a HT companion to one of the pest control or alarm system guys (not sure which one) and I haven't been able to get ahold of him to go on assignment this month. In order to progress to be an Elder I have to "be faithful in my hometeaching and my calling" - so I guess this month I'll be HT alone (which I really don't mind).

Another thing my wife just brought up that I had forgotten is that her VT companion's husband is a councilor in the bishopric - I'm not sure if he's 1st or 2nd off hand but he's a good guy...I don't want to start anything but this is driving my wife crazy. I told her to talk to the RS president about it, but she won't and says "i'll just deal with it" - but I don't think she should have to. You're all right, she shouldn't have to put up with this right now. It's only been 6 weeks since my Son was born and only 4 months since she was baptized and it's WAY too much for her to have to be put through right now.

[Jennarator]

This is so true, going on my list of quotes

Also, thanks for all your other advice. I'll make an appointment to talk to the bishop as soon as possible.

We have an odd ward, we have a core group of members who live in the area that hardly fill up the chapel, but in the summer we get slammed with all these younger couples from Utah and California who are here to sell pest control and alarm systems. Our ward size doubles over the summer, then cuts down. The core group are all very active - I was surprised to hear that we are each only assigned 2 hometeaching families because there are so few inactive members and so many active members. I honestly think in any of the wards the volunteer model would work, it would be this one because there are so many active and helpful members in the core. I personally was assigned to be a HT companion to one of the pest control or alarm system guys (not sure which one) and I haven't been able to get ahold of him to go on assignment this month. In order to progress to be an Elder I have to "be faithful in my hometeaching and my calling" - so I guess this month I'll be HT alone (which I really don't mind).

Another thing my wife just brought up that I had forgotten is that her VT companion's husband is a councilor in the bishopric - I'm not sure if he's 1st or 2nd off hand but he's a good guy...I don't want to start anything but this is driving my wife crazy. I told her to talk to the RS president about it, but she won't and says "i'll just deal with it" - but I don't think she should have to. You're all right, she shouldn't have to put up with this right now. It's only been 6 weeks since my Son was born and only 4 months since she was baptized and it's WAY too much for her to have to be put through right now.

I agree, if it's too much then she shouldn't HAVE to do so much. Seems she gets the idea that the church needs everyone's help the function, so she wants to help, but you can't do more than you can do. I would talk to the bishop for her. (not behind her back.) I would let her know that is your plan and talk to him. I would think he would understand.

[blackknight5k]

As for visiting teaching, I've asked to not be assigned as a VT. I've tried and it just doesn't work out well with my health issues. My advice for your wife is be direct with this sister about what she can and cannot do. From what you've posted it sounds like the sister is taking advantage of your wife's lack of knowledge. If there continues to be a problem talk with the RS President. In our ward new members are given a calling but it is assigned by the Bishop. They are also assigned to attend the Gospel Principles class by the Bishop (unless there are reasons they should attend Gospel Doctrine). I'm surprised the RS President didn't contact your wife directly. Knowing me I would probably assume someone is too busy to be aware and sensitive to new member needs and new family needs OR maybe they just don't know what is going on in your family. So... tell the Bishop.

You need to say this to the Bishop.

I do feel as if her companion is walking over her since she's new and she isn't very confrontational...with people outside of her family. We went to Gospel Principles together for almost a year before she was baptized and we both grew tired of it. In this ward they don't go lesson to lesson they "teach what the spirit guides them to teach" so I swear we've heard the repentance lesson 4 or 5 times along with a few others from the front of the book. We started reading some of the lessons at home and we decided to go to Gospel Doctrine after that.

I feel the spirit so strongly in that ward, there are a lot of good people in it and I love the ward. I don't want to sound like I don't like my ward, the church, or serving the lord - this is just been a very frustrating few months and we're starting to get pushed to our breaking point. We hate being away on weekends we are away, every sunday we go to a different ward we miss our ward, but sometimes I hate feeling like I'm just on a list...

[miztrniceguy]

My ward was this way. We switched to a different ward, same building, different stake. This was one factor. They would assign lots of things, like cleaning the chapel on saturdays. I work on saturdays, so I told them I would not be there. I was told it was my responsibility to find a replacement. I disagreed, saying it was their responsibility to find volunteers, and see that it was done, not mine.

[applepansy]

I do feel as if her companion is walking over her since she's new and she isn't very confrontational...with people outside of her family. We went to Gospel Principles together for almost a year before she was baptized and we both grew tired of it. In this ward they don't go lesson to lesson they "teach what the spirit guides them to teach" so I swear we've heard the repentance lesson 4 or 5 times along with a few others from the front of the book. We started reading some of the lessons at home and we decided to go to Gospel Doctrine after that.

I feel the spirit so strongly in that ward, there are a lot of good people in it and I love the ward. I don't want to sound like I don't like my ward, the church, or serving the lord - this is just been a very frustrating few months and we're starting to get pushed to our breaking point. We hate being away on weekends we are away, every sunday we go to a different ward we miss our ward, but sometimes I hate feeling like I'm just on a list...

I always heard growing up (usually from my grandfather): "The church is here for families not the families for the church."

Sometimes we get things backwards. Just because the VT companion is the wife of a member of the bishopric doesn't mean she won't be pushy. Sometimes its necessary to push back.

Its good that you both felt comfortable enough to start going to Gospel Doctrine. Ultimately we teach ourselves, with the help of the spirit. :)

Best Wishes.

[Backroads]

Yikes, that is pushy.

Frankly, I completely disagree with forcing people to volunteer. To ask for volunteers is one thing. To even ask a specific person to volunteer for something is also one thing.

I suppose a key would to simply learn how to say no. So often Mormon culture wants us to be good and helfpul and, heck, who doesn't want to be those things?

[Iggy]

Regarding VT- because your wife is under your stewardship and she is so newly out of the waters of baptism, YOU call the RS President and explain the situation to her. She may not be aware of the VT Companions pushy and rude ways.

I am a Visiting Teaching Coordinator. One of the things that I do, is report to the RS President the attitudes I discern regarding the VT Companions. We have quite a few that just don't go together to do their VT. We also have a few that flat will not leave their homes, instead they send letters or call.

We don't assign mothers with young children unless they ask to be assigned as VT. Their days are so filled with the nurturing of their children. Plus we don't see an advantage to adding to their burden to find a suitable babysitter and paying for one!

Call the RS President and explain to her exactly what you have said to us, she should remove your wife as a VT or if your wife would gladly write letters to the Ward Missionaries, or those sisters who have requested that their only contact with the Church be via letters (I was once in that situation. . . abusive anti-church husband), but with a newborn FIRST child, VT is just not in the cards right now.

I just talked with my RS pres and brought this post up, and she said she had never heard of such a thing as the ward just dishing out assignments- she has been a member for over 50 years! She suggests talking with the Bishop to see if this has all been approved by him.

[Dravin]

I need to know the answer to this question - when did they stop asking for volunteers for things and just start assigning tasks?

Generally when volunteering isn't providing the manpower they need, and it tends to be a low level decision.

I just got assigned to splits on the 3rd of July. I was already planning on going out of town for the extended weekend with my family - but now in addition to making holiday plans I also have to find someone to take my spot for something I didn't know I was going to do until a few weeks in advance! A few other members on the list aren't even active, and another is going to Utah for a month leaving in 4 days but just got this assignment last night saying "oh yeah, in 2 weeks you have splits". He won't even be in this part of the country!

This may make me a bad person in some folks eyes, but in such a situation I'd have no problem calling up whoever made the list of assignments and informing them, "I can't do it that day." Unless it's a set up where you told them what times you were usually available, then I'd probably be inclined to hunt someone down because they had a reasonable expectation you'd be available.

[Truegrits]

I would not like being in a ward that "assigned" so many things.

Mostly we are on the "sign-up" method. Feeding the Missionaries, providing food for events/deaths; we even have a sign-up sheet for talks :) but they are also assigned

Cleaning the church is assigned, monthly, with two families assigned to each week. They can clean on the day of their choice, and they all do not have to be there at the same time.

I always clean the bathrooms (all of them) and I can do it anytime within the week. Another does the vacuuming; another the dusting..etc.

Sometimes we will change weeks with someone that has plans on their assigned week. It works out well, in our ward. Sometimes a family will miss their week, but the cleaning is done consistently enough, that it never looks dirty.

I can see the assigning of things, if the members are not volunteering. Yet, it can/should be handled in a way that is not pushy, bossy, ugly, or confrontational...

Myself, I would be talking to the Bishop, rather than being stressed/upset. He may not be aware of things.

[KrazyKay]

This is one reason I went inactive back in 1997. I was attending a college in SLC, Utah (not UT) and in the ward I was to attend they did the "assigned" volunteering. They also never welcomed me into the ward and everyone pretty much gave me the cold shoulder.

If my current ward was to start doing the "assigned" volunteering, I might start attending another ward or move so we would be in another ward boundaries.

My current ward does do assigned talks - but it's not like "you are assigned to give a talk on such and such date" but it's more "we would like you to give a talk on such and such date, can you?" Everything else is with sign-up sheets. My ward has a problem with too many people volunteering and has had to tell some people that they have enough helping.

I remember when I was in high school, the ward I attended then had an elderly man (a retired janitor) who cleaned the building himself every Saturday using professional janitor supplies that he owned. That ward didn't have volunteers clean the building because of the one brother. When we moved from Southern Louisiana to SE Texas in the summer of 1997 (before I went to college) I remember thinking it was weird when in relief society they were asking for volunteers to clean the building the following Saturday.

[a1a2a3]

I think the answer is relatively simple...

1) Serve as you can wherever you are assigned- make an honest effort to do it with a full heart

2) If you have family obligations and works obligations that interfere do not feel bad about not being able to do it. Simply call up the auxhilary leader in charge (RS Pres, Ward Mission Leader, etc.) and simply state you would like to do it but are unable to. Don't feel bad about it.

3) If your wife is expecting or just had a baby, tell the Bishop that it is too overwhelming to participate in being "volunteered" for (whatever space of time is necessary).

BOTTOM LINE: It is okay to say "No" and it is appropriate to do so if you really can't. You should not feel bad. People understand (and if they don't, don't worry, the Lord understands). Also great blessings come by serving and sacrificing. If you serve with a willing heart and ask the Lord's blessings I think you will see how it blesses your family.

It is true that most wards don't function in the model you described. However I think your leaders see the wisdom of spreading the blessings of service to members who have coasted without those blessings by being dormant members. It also prevents a few members who usually do all the work from burning out.

If you have faith and a willing heart when it comes to service, you will see the blessings (rather than the burden) of serving others. Yet - do not feel like you have to do it all if it is creating conflict with family obligations. Talk to your Bishop. Pray about it.

[lost123]

I think the answer is relatively simple...

1) Serve as you can wherever you are assigned- make an honest effort to do it with a full heart

2) If you have family obligations and works obligations that interfere do not feel bad about not being able to do it. Simply call up the auxhilary leader in charge (RS Pres, Ward Mission Leader, etc.) and simply state you would like to do it but are unable to. Don't feel bad about it.

3) If your wife is expecting or just had a baby, tell the Bishop that it is too overwhelming to participate in being "volunteered" for (whatever space of time is necessary).

BOTTOM LINE: It is okay to say "No" and it is appropriate to do so if you really can't. You should not feel bad. People understand (and if they don't, don't worry, the Lord understands). Also great blessings come by serving and sacrificing. If you serve with a willing heart and ask the Lord's blessings I think you will see how it blesses your family.

It is true that most wards don't function in the model you described. However I think your leaders see the wisdom of spreading the blessings of service to members who have coasted without those blessings by being dormant members. It also prevents a few members who usually do all the work from burning out.

If you have faith and a willing heart when it comes to service, you will see the blessings (rather than the burden) of serving others. Yet - do not feel like you have to do it all if it is creating conflict with family obligations. Talk to your Bishop. Pray about it.

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

If someone would say "hey, we need meals for the missionaries during these days" we'd sign up when we can. If someone said "the missionaries need people to do splits" I'd probably go out one night every other week or more when I can. I can volunteer to move people as much as I can, but only when I can and not last minute being volunteered.

This is how we do it in my ward right now. Sorry for your negatie experiences!