Wife changed her mind

[JamesKnightwell]

Before me and my wife got married 5 years ago we Handel all the big questions. We were married in the temple so religion was covered. She said she wanted kids but wanted to wait till we got out of college. I was fine with that. Well about 3 years ago she just decided she doesn't want kids ever. She also refuses to go to church. I have always loved children and have always wanted my own. I know its her body and she can do with it as she please. I"m just not sure I will ever be happy going through life with no kids. I"m 28 she's 24 so we are both still young enough to do whatever we want with life. We have had other problems as of late that are resolving themselves. But for 3 years now she has sternly said I do not want children this breaks my heart. Not sure what to do. Her family has already tried to talk to her.

[SeattleTruthSeeker]

Before me and my wife got married 5 years ago we Handel all the big questions. We were married in the temple so religion was covered. She said she wanted kids but wanted to wait till we got out of college. I was fine with that. Well about 3 years ago she just decided she doesn't want kids ever. She also refuses to go to church. I have always loved children and have always wanted my own. I know its her body and she can do with it as she please. I"m just not sure I will ever be happy going through life with no kids. I"m 28 she's 24 so we are both still young enough to do whatever we want with life. We have had other problems as of late that are resolving themselves. But for 3 years now she has sternly said I do not want children this breaks my heart. Not sure what to do. Her family has already tried to talk to her.

Have you honestly expressed to her how you feel? Granted, you can't force her, nor should you make her feel guilty, however, she has to take into consideration of how you feel.

Also, have you asked her why she does not want to have kids? There might be hidden fears she has. This is one of those conversations that you have to express your feelings and allow her to express hers. Understand where she is coming from.

For instance, my wife wanted another child someday and had come to the conclusion that she would not have one. I already have three of my own that I have had no part in their lives because of other people's influence in preventing that from happening.

Despite our feelings on why we did not want to have children, my wife ended up being pregnant and we both are very blessed with a wonderful little girl who is active, funny, independent and determined. Watching her grow and seeing her reach all her milestones has been one of the greatest blessings in life.

Prior to my meeting my wife, I always found myself crying when I saw a father with his son, or with his daughter. I would watch how the fathers would spend time with their children. How proud fathers were of their children's accomplishments.

If you are experiencing similar things, let her know. The more open and honest you are about your feelings on this situation, the more she hopefully will respect you and express her own feelings.

The worst thing that can happen - she can tell you to bug off after you expressed your feelings. If that is happens, then it is time to plead with the Lord for the next thirty days.

You may never know why or what is going on that she might be afraid to tell you. It could be that she just discovered that she could not have children and instead of telling you that there is something wrong with her that prevents her from having children, she is opting to say that she doesn't want children for fear of you may rejecting her.

You could also ask her if she would consider doing foster care, or even volunteer as a couple to care for a young child in your ward.

It could be she heard too many pregnant horror stories and actually has a fear of becoming pregnant.

Again, you never know and you will never know if you do not openly talk about this.

[ruthiechan]

Be prayerful about foster care. There are people who work with distressed children and since that's always what they see decide they don't want their own thinking that's what is in store for them as parents.

[JamesKnightwell]

We have had that chat. What it basically boils down to is she is very selfish with her time. ex If i had a kid I wouldn't have time for this or that. All they do is cry and scream and tell you they hate you. She likes haven't time to do what she wants and knows she won't have as much time if she has kids. Also she's scared of the whole process as well.

[Backroads]

The question of kids/no kids is a very big deal in a marriage. On your side, you went into this marriage with the expectations that there would be kids someday. I would dare argue you have been cheated. On her side, it's her body and she should not be forced to have kids.

Personally, I think her reasons are selfish, but they are her feelings.

What it boils down to is if she is adamant about no kids, can you live with that?

[Truegrits]

We have had that chat. What it basically boils down to is she is very selfish with her time. ex If i had a kid I wouldn't have time for this or that. All they do is cry and scream and tell you they hate you. She likes haven't time to do what she wants and knows she won't have as much time if she has kids. Also she's scared of the whole process as well.

It is true, that life will change when children enter the picture. It is not as easy to just pick up and go; less spontaneity, more planning.

Sometimes the experience will be enhanced because of them...sometimes it will be a miserable experience. But isn't that how life is, anyway?

I would give her some time, without pressure; 24 is young.

The more you and her family try to talk to her, the more she may be convinced to say "no".

[SeattleTruthSeeker]

We have had that chat. What it basically boils down to is she is very selfish with her time. ex If i had a kid I wouldn't have time for this or that. All they do is cry and scream and tell you they hate you. She likes haven't time to do what she wants and knows she won't have as much time if she has kids. Also she's scared of the whole process as well.

Children are life changing. Yes, your world starts revolving around them. When they are infants, they require lots of care. The marathon feedings. If your wife breastfeeds, she would have to nurse every two hours. The two of you would have to learn how the child communicates.

There are the doctor appointments, the shots, the diaper changes, the concern of allergies.

IF your wife works, she would have to go on maternity leave at some point until she feels she is ready to go back to work.

There is also the decision, who will stay home and who will be the working parent. Daycare should not be an option at this point.

As for clothes, you would be surprised how many people have infant/toddler clothes they could give you.

The late night snuggles, midnight drives, the early morning feedings. The glassy eye look with only an hour of sleep. Night watches. One parent getting up so the other could rest.

When they reach toddler ages, the chase me games begin. Awareness of where she is (we have an 18 month old daughter).

Let us not forget the Isolation some stay at home parents feel.

Planning fun filled activities that are appropriate. Going without Television and the Internet.

Snuggling and napping with your daughter.

No bathroom privacy.

Temper tantrums.

The list goes on and on. These are the things that I am experiencing, the things my wife experiences. However, these things pale in comparison to the following greater list:

Sitting in the chair and holding such a delicate precious little girl and having a flood of emotions overcome you and true outpouring of love and appreciation for her.

The joys she brings when she smiles.

Her addictive laughter and the simplest things that she enjoys.

The antics she expresses as her personality develops.

Watching her look through books.

How she learns to move around, not wanting to help her so she learns how to do things on her own.

Experiencing all the firsts she has done in her life. Her first words, her first steps, her first time sitting up, her first stuffed animal, her first smile, her first tooth.

As sick as it sounds, if she is constipated, the joyous aspect of changing her diaper and noticing she is no longer constipated.

Praising her for things she learns how to do when you ask her to do something.

Her favorite fruits, her favorite vegetables. The messy eating habits that become so enduring and entertaining.

The bond a father and mother have with their child.

A newfound love and appreciation for your wife as she transforms from wife to mother (yes, there is a transformation).

I would not trade anything in the world for what I have, for what my wife has, and the joy our daughter has brought into our lives.

She is not an inconvenience to us. She is a blessing. Do we get frustrated? Yes. However, we learn and grow. We have found a great pediatrician that not only focuses on how our daughter is doing, but she focuses on how we are doing as a couple, as father and mother.

My wife and I talk about how our daughter is developing. We share our concerns about things, worries about her growing up, fears of what to do. This is all natural.

Yes, your life changes, however, it changes for the better. And while there is not any time to go out and do the things you want to do, there is times that you get to do the things you would have never been able to do without a child.

Think about this, when was the last time you went to a park and played? I mean, just got up and went to the park and sat on a swing to swing? To feel the air, that sensation in your stomach?

What about the fairs? Picking out Christmas gifts for your daughter/son.

My wife and I have to actually force ourselves to not go through the baby isle because once we stop and look, we end up getting adorable clothes for our daughter. When have you gone through the baby isle and looked at all the cute outfits?

The point here that I am making is that there is great sacrifices a parent makes when they become a parent. If you focus on the negative aspects of "I won't have time to do this" one is setting themselves up for a failure.

No, we did not want to have another child, however, Heavenly Father thought it wise for my wife and I to have a child. She is 42, I am 40 years old. Her son is 13 years old. We are an odd family, but we are a family who loves each other and I honestly cannot imagine my life without our daughter.

[SeattleTruthSeeker]

After thinking about what you said. I do not think your wife is being selfish. It may very well be that she is trying to express to you in the best way that she can the following things:

1) I feel pressured into having a child at this time and you are not understanding me

2) I really just want us to enjoy our life together

3) I am not ready to be a mother yet.

All three are interdependent. They are not selfish desires. Now, if she wants to be able to go hang out with her friends and party... and she does this all the time, that is something different. If this is the case, there is much more problems than her wanting to have a child - you have marital issues that need to be addressed before broaching the subject of wanting to make her into a mother to your children.

honestly, I would lay off the "I want a child" rant. Start courting her, taking her out, enjoy her companionship. Take her out to a movie, go out on dates, re-ignite your passion and intimacy. Do a weekend getaway.

basically, what I am saying is focus all your attention on her. There is much more to this than what is being related.

[ruthiechan]

Problem: focusing on the negative instead of the positive aspects of having a child.

Possible problem: associating with feminists that are feeding the negativity.

Your wife needs to take this to the Lord.

[jayanna]

Maybe she is reacting instinctively to a physical condition she has. When I had my second child I asked for a tubaligation, I didn't know why at the time, I just felt like I should get one. I couldn't shake the feeling. I just knew it was the right thing to do. Later I found out about my heart problem, several cardiologists and 2 obgyn's have told me that getting pregnant would be extremely dangerous, one of us probably wouldn't make it, and I definitely would not make it through labor.

She is only 24, though that may seem a bit older from your perspective, she has a long time to go before her child bearing years are over. Let her enjoy this time alone with you. Be grateful for the wonderful woman who has chosen to be with you. Give her experiences that she can look back on and smile whenever you two are going through the rough patches in your relationship.

Don't pressure her, the idea of going through childbirth is extremely intimidating. I don't think it is appropriate to involve other family members from either side into this issue. Be kind and patient, and be glad for what you've got. Maybe in time she will feel comfortable opening up to you about why she is so reluctant to increase the family, until then be still and be of peace.

[SeattleTruthSeeker]

I also would like to add this. If family members (hers or yours) are pressuring her, stand up for her feelings and emotions. By doing so, you are truly showing her you do care for her she feels about the subject and being a husband that is willing to stand up for her as well as for you. Sometimes it is hard when dealing with our parents when they want grandchidren. however, their pressuring her is causing conflict in your marriage and if you don't stand up to them and condone it, then you are sending the message to your wife that her feelings and perspective does not mean anything to you.

[MorningStar]

Wow, that's a tough situation. Does she have close friends or relatives who have had bad experiences with motherhood?

[yjacket]

I don't comment much, but this is interesting. Sounds like she is basically scared and/or had bad experiences with kids. I'm not sure how other young parents feel, but IMO societal messages have really screwed up parenting. Current society would have you believe that all kids are brats, as a parent your life revolves around them, they are a burden, you can't grow or "fulfill your destiny" if you have kids, etc.

I wanted to have kids but our 1st was a big challenge for the 1st 18 months. While I had my parents as role models my wife didn't have hers as role models to understand how to raise kids. Things were quite tough and my parents seeing us in dire straights got us several parenting books by John Rosemond. They were absolutely essential in helping my wife and I understand better our roles as parents. He goes back to the old school way of raising kids (no you don't beat your kids!). Basically parents have been raising kids for hundreds or years, why is it that we now have so many problems with children. A parents job is to emancipate the child from them, teach them how to be adults so they can live fulfilling lives. The child's life revolves around the parent, not visa versa.

Sure, you have to provide for the necessities, but he makes a point that being a homemaker isn't being a babysitter (which is what I think too many people think it is). You can have a very fulfilling life while taking care of kids. My mom was always doing home improvement projects (tiling, painting, gardening, sewing, etc), she'd tell us go play in your room, outside, etc. or help me with x. She didn't babysit us, she had a life to live and we were a part of it. Being a father or mother and finding your authoritative voice with your children providing them with structure, balance, etc. will probably help an individual grow more than most things in life.

And the best thing happens when you are a parent (sure the kids moan b/c you tell them xyz, but they love that you provide the guidelines for them), you love your children and they love you. And eventually that relationship can grow into one of the most fulfilling of a person's life.

Words cannot express the joy that comes into my life when my son spontaneously tells me that he loves me, or when he tells my wife that he loves her.

So while you can't force her to accept something she doesn't want, maybe part of the problem is a lack of good role model parents and families raising kids. I sure know I feel like a lone wolf sometimes parenting my children.

sidenote: it is one thing I find interesting, for all the guidance the Church gives on families etc. the lack of good material for actual parenting is weird. But maybe either I haven't looked in the right places or the Church assumes it's a personal matter. Anywho, I highly recommend any of John Rosemond's books, absolutely fantastic.

[honestabe]

I think that too many people stay in marriages that they shouldn't. If you want children and she doesn't thats a big gap. Life is too short to spend it with someone that doesn't want the same things you do...especially the children issue. Find someone who is compatable with you, if your wife decided that she would give you a child, down the road she could resent you for it, leave and really mess up your life and the childs. Everyone deserves to have some contentment in their lives. RUN and find someone that wants the same things you do out of life.

[Guest tbaird22]

She doesn't want kids AND she refuses to go to church? Thats a hard one. In the end, I think I would just cut my losses and move on. I know its not easy but you deserve better.

"And now behold if adam had not transgressed he would not of fallen but he would have remeained in the garden of eden. And all things which were created must have remained in the same state in which they were after they were created and they must have remained fore ever and had no end. And they would have had no children wherefore they would have remained in a state of innocence having no joy for they knew no misery; doing no good for they knew no sin." 2 Nephi 2:22-23

[yjacket]

What the . . . ??? I have to seriously disagree with the previous couple of remarks. Based on the OP, I can't say I've heard a legitimate reason for divorce (maybe one exists, but not based on just not attending church and not wanting kids right now). I'm honestly kind of surprised at the previous remarks.

Considering the lack of information given, counseling someone to leave their marriage in this situation seems ludicrous. Kids are awesome, but when it's all said and done the family core unit is two individuals, husband and wife. You don't marry your kids, you married your wife. You don't marry your wife b/c she has ovaries, you marry her because you love her and want to be with her.

I think marriage has been cheapened drastically by people cutting and running for the "happiness they deserve".

Divorce

[honestabe]

"Well about 3 years ago she just decided she doesn't want kids ever" You can disagree yjacket but that's a deal breaker if there ever was one. She says prior to marriage kids ya. Now married NO KIDS EVER.

[estradling75]

She changed her mind once before... There is nothing saying that she will not change her mind again.

You married her, as a partner to work with, while going through the struggles of life. This is one of those struggles. Perhaps your marriage will not survive, I don't know, that is between the two of you. But I do know that you should not give up until you can go to the Lord in prayer and with total honesty say you've done everything you can to save your marriage.

[ruthiechan]

I think the OP really needs to talk to his Bishop about this.

[yjacket]

"Well about 3 years ago she just decided she doesn't want kids ever" You can disagree yjacket but that's a deal breaker if there ever was one. She says prior to marriage kids ya. Now married NO KIDS EVER.

I see you haven't been in a lot of heated arguments. People say "you never do xyz" or "I always do xyz" the declarative always or never is usually more a "you generally do xyz". "Never", does not mean never, it generally means not right now. I have no clue as to what the situation is, maybe this marriage is on the rocks, hu knows. I'd say before you start saying it's a deal breaker, one should look at the why and really try to understand the why. Obviously the marriage has communication issues. If she just decided to not have kids, she can just as easily just decide to have kids. If you don't work through the issues you'll never know.

While the church obviously encourages children and it is part of the duty and responsibility of couples to replenish the earth, I can't find a single LDS article that advises couples to divorce because one doesn't want kids.

The gal is 23-24, if they've been married for 5 years it means she's been married since she was 18-19. Far from being selfish, she might have never had a chance to find herself. She might feel like kids would tie her down more than a marriage has tied her down b/c she was never an adult without being married. I don't know this are all suppositions. So maybe instead of focusing on kids, maybe the husband should focus on making sure his wife's needs are meet, that she feels fulfillment and enjoyment in her life, that she feels like she is accomplishing something, loved, appreciated beyond just her ability to have kids.

Again did he marry his wife or did he marry her ovaries? (sorry to be somewhat crude)

This couple still has plenty of time to have kids, maybe not 8 kids, but easily 4 kids. We didn't have our first until my wife was 26, 2nd at 28.

Advocating a marriage break up now is just plain dumb based on the info. given. Fix the marriage and then the kids will come.

This man choose his love, now he should love his choice. (If he/she is engaged in adultery or abuse or something equally horrific, okay maybe not)

[ruthiechan]

I see you haven't been in a lot of heated arguments. People say "you never do xyz" or "I always do xyz" the declarative always or never is usually more a "you generally do xyz". "Never", does not mean never, it generally means not right now. I have no clue as to what the situation is, maybe this marriage is on the rocks, hu knows. I'd say before you start saying it's a deal breaker, one should look at the why and really try to understand the why. Obviously the marriage has communication issues. If she just decided to not have kids, she can just as easily just decide to have kids. If you don't work through the issues you'll never know.

While the church obviously encourages children and it is part of the duty and responsibility of couples to replenish the earth, I can't find a single LDS article that advises couples to divorce because one doesn't want kids.

The gal is 23-24, if they've been married for 5 years it means she's been married since she was 18-19. Far from being selfish, she might have never had a chance to find herself. She might feel like kids would tie her down more than a marriage has tied her down b/c she was never an adult without being married. I don't know this are all suppositions. So maybe instead of focusing on kids, maybe the husband should focus on making sure his wife's needs are meet, that she feels fulfillment and enjoyment in her life, that she feels like she is accomplishing something, loved, appreciated beyond just her ability to have kids.

Again did he marry his wife or did he marry her ovaries? (sorry to be somewhat crude)

This couple still has plenty of time to have kids, maybe not 8 kids, but easily 4 kids. We didn't have our first until my wife was 26, 2nd at 28.

Advocating a marriage break up now is just plain dumb based on the info. given. Fix the marriage and then the kids will come.

This man choose his love, now he should love his choice. (If he/she is engaged in adultery or abuse or something equally horrific, okay maybe not)

But we should not immediately assume she will change her mind. Maybe she said she wanted kids too because she felt like it was her duty but now that she's older she feels more confident about telling him her secret feelings on the subject.

I think you are not being sensitive to this man. Telling him to love his choice? Would you say that to a woman in similar situation? Would you ask her did you marry him or his testicles?

The OP's wife has betrayed a previous arrangement, and he's been trying to deal with it for 3 years, and now he needs help. He obviously DOES love his wife otherwise he'd've divorced her already.

[yjacket]

You're right, she may not change her mind.

To my knowledge I am not saying anything different about loving his choice than the prophets have said.

Agency and Love in Marriage - Ensign Oct. 2000

Of course this man needs help, it is a very difficult problem to deal with. I would be absolutely crushed if a similar situation happened to me, I honestly don't know what I'd do. I do think that divorce is out of the question. I was responding to some of the seemingly more rash responses to divorce his wife without further information.

Yes she has gone back on her word, but is that enough reason to start over and divorce? It doesn't sound like the OP thought that, but posters have said that.

He should love his choice. Marriage is a very sacred (especially one performed in the temple) and everything should be done to preserve that entity.

I would also say that motherhood is a pretty powerful instinct and chances IMO are pretty good that at some point she will change her mind.

And you're darn right that I hope my wife would stick by me if I made a rash decision to not have kids and I would stick by her. She married me b/c she loved me and chooses to love me as much as I love her and choose to love her.

[Suzie]

Hmmmm Well, I get the feeling that there is much more to this story than what we know.

[Guest tbaird22]

Contradicting much?

Look youve made your point and thats fine. You don't think he should divorce based on the fact that, in your opinion, theres no legitimate reason for a divorce and she could change her mind again. Others think the wife is wronging the husband by not allowing him to be a father and is refusing to go to church. No need to try and convert others to your view.

[Guest tbaird22]

You're right, she may not change her mind.

To my knowledge I am not saying anything different about loving his choice than the prophets have said.

Agency and Love in Marriage - Ensign Oct. 2000

Of course this man needs help, it is a very difficult problem to deal with. I would be absolutely crushed if a similar situation happened to me, I honestly don't know what I'd do. I do think that divorce is out of the question. I was responding to some of the seemingly more rash responses to divorce his wife without further information.

Yes she has gone back on her word, but is that enough reason to start over and divorce? It doesn't sound like the OP thought that, but posters have said that.

He should love his choice. Marriage is a very sacred (especially one performed in the temple) and everything should be done to preserve that entity.

I would also say that motherhood is a pretty powerful instinct and chances IMO are pretty good that at some point she will change her mind.

And you're darn right that I hope my wife would stick by me if I made a rash decision to not have kids and I would stick by her. She married me b/c she loved me and chooses to love me as much as I love her and choose to love her.

Contradicting much?

Look youve made your point and thats fine. You don't think he should divorce based on the fact that, in your opinion, theres no legitimate reason for a divorce and she could change her mind again. Others think the wife is wronging the husband by not allowing him to be a father and is refusing to go to church. No need to try and convert others to your view.