Need to speak my mind for a moment

[SeattleTruthSeeker]

One of the reasons I have stopped frequenting this board is because of the Advice and Marriage Advice subforums.

It seems that we get alot of the repeating questions.

My husband is addicted to porn. My wife is cheating on me. Oh what should I do about this...

I went through and virtually everyone of the threads started in those sub forums mainly center around a sense of woes me pity party mentality. The discussion drops off and then a new one in similar tone and scenario picks right back up with the same sense and issues.

Yet, we all by into them. We post our advice, we make every attempt to give the benefit of the doubt, and yet the same questions keep propping up like weeds in an overgrown yard that needs a good mowing.

I am not here to tell how this board is being run, however, I am here to speak my mind that while we recognize every one of us should have an opportunity to seek out advise and counsel, we have to remember some core principles here.

1) If you post a question that asks "Should I go to my Bishop about..." then the answer is going to be Yes you should and therefore, don't post the question here.

Now, if you are dealing with an issue that you are struggling with and you are seeking advice, here is my suggestion:

Anonymous: Hi, I am struggling with pornography and I have gone to my Bishop, however, I seem to have an issue with this. Is there anyone who has overcome this addiction? If so, how did you overcome it? What are some of the challenges you faced?

Instead of asking the obvious question that has the obvious answer, ask the question in a way where you are seeking real advise and real honest dialogue. For me, it is far better to find others who may have overcome the issue you are struggling with.

Secondly, before you post "Should I go to my Bishop..." search the thread forum and read the posts already there. This may take time, but it is better to research and find the answers than to post the millionth thousandth hundredth post on the same subject matter.

2) If you are having marital problems do not post how bad your spouse is and how wrong she or he is for all to read and see. I am sorry, but if my wife found out that I posted something here and outright blaming her for the issues we are having in our marriage (which are not serious issues, but issues any married couple deal with) my hide will be tanned. Honestly, if you want to gripe about your spouse, girlfriend, partner or what have you then it is not worth posting in my opinion.

Yes, I get caught up reading them because it is like a train wreck, and I should not cave into reading some of them. However, it seems that every time I come here and read these forums, it is always the same thing just a different person with a different online personality.

So, instead of posting "My wife" or "My husband" and then all the negative things they are doing in the marriage, post something more to the effective of "This is the issue that I am observing in our marriage" and then politely, respectfully relate the information as to how you see it and experience it.

For instance:

Wrong type of posting:

"I can't handle my wife anymore. She bickers about every little thing and does not respect me. She doesn't get it at all and what should I do about it? I have had it and tired of all the fighting."

Proper type of posting:

"I honestly feel that I am doing everything in my power to make sure the house is kept up, things are done, and that dinner is on the table. I am struggling to find work and understand why my wife gets upset sometimes. however, I take it personally and feel like what I do is not respected. We have talked about it numerous of times, and sometimes she does not feel like talking about it. She has mentioned to me that she has had a bad day at work and is tired because there is a gal there that she works with who does nothing and then blames her"

Notice the difference in tone and style? The first is accusatory and making one's spouse out to be the troll under the bridge that no one should deal with. The second one is expressing honest personal feelings, and recognizing the dynamics of what is going and is an attempt at understanding what is going on and how things work in our own lives.

Granted, there are some who do come here and ask about cheating spouses, or ask about what to do about spouses who are caught with their pants down. Emotions get in the way, we are angry, upset, hurtful, and we want to lash out at the individual. However, we must remember that when we are seeking advise as to what we ought to do, we are seeking advise for our own well-being in how to handle the situation.

Bad posting:

"I just found out my husband is cheating on me with my best friend. He is such a cheater and he hurt me and I want to know what I should do".

Good posting:

I am angry because I just found out that my husband is cheating on me. I am not sure what to do, or where to go. I have talked with Bishop about this and he gave me (whatever advise one is willing to reveal), or I have yet to speak with my Bishop and have an appointment too. Has anyone experienced this and how did you deal with it? I am so lost as to what to do and it hurts..

Sometimes, people just want to vent. That is fine, but keep it tasteful and keep it about you and not about the other person. Yes, I understand that this is difficult at times. Yes, I get it that it is hard and we want to lash out on those who are close to us.

However, there is a difference in seeking advice as opposed to throwing a pity party to get attention.

One final thought:

If you keep coming here to seek advise and the advise is given and yet you still publish posts here on what you should do about the same situation. What purpose are you really serving? There is no purpose and all you are doing is trying to get people to pay attention to you. There is a reason why people want to seek out advise and there are reasons why people give you advise. If you have to seek out the same advise on the same issue and are not listening to the advise given then you need to really stop and think about who really is having the issue and who is not. Because if you have to constantly post the same question or seek the same advise for the same situation, then you really are thick headed and refuse to accept the advise.

Okay, I am done with my soap box, and felt that this needed to be said because I have observed that many people are starting to abuse the advice and marriage advise subforums here and am tired of reading these "oh poor woes me" stories and yet they are all the same with different people and different dynamics.

[Sali]

Sometimes people may feel so desperate and not know where else to turn, and that is why they may post in a desperate way on the forums. They just want someone to listen and help with 'their' story and tell it in a way it seems to them. So although similar stories may have been posted a hundred times before, it is not their story and takes away the need for them to express themselves.

People have a need to be listened to, and if I am sitting telling my story in an emotionally distressed situation, I'm going to be telling it how it feels to me at that time. I think it's important to have empathy and try to understand where that person is at that particular point in time.

[pam]

Not everyone is a prolific writer. Most are writing their feelings as Sali mentioned out of frustration.

But I'm going to jump on MY soapbox here. This is my opinion only of course. But we should NEVER be telling anyone to not seek counsel of their Bishop. We should never be saying "Oh that's just a minor thing in my opinion..you don't need to see your Bishop over that."

Wrong on so many levels. It is never our place to tell someone they should not seek the counsel of their Bishop. The way I look at it..what if that person decides not to speak to their Bishop? What if they should have but they take the advice of some random person on the internet on lds.net and they don't? What we've done is stunt their progression and stunt their repentance process. We are not the Judges in Israel. The Bishops are.

There I'm stepping down off my box now.

[Jennarator]

I agree with Sali & Pam.

People are upset when they post these things. SOmeitme litterly crying as they post. The last thing they are able to do is write their post like a school paper ready to be graded.

Perhaps there question has been posted many times, but sometimes it helps to poat a question anyways to vent it out.

Yes, sometimes people don't want to hear the answer, but I have also seen people read their responses and you soon see a change in the thread they started as they go see the bishop or see that it isn't just thier spouse, but them, too. And they start to change.

I really think this place is a good place to vent, and ask questions. Really, most people know they need to see teir bishop when they ask, but they need a little push or some support, it can really help.

Yes, some people get on here and they want to find a loop hole or something and they don't want to confess, but those people don't normally stay too long.

So, yeah, I can see how people get on here upset and vent and ask questions. WHen I am upset, I don't think to research the site, first, other than to read the rules.

[Blackmarch]

IF someone is willing to post their problem to strangers they have guts. And I think that they have at least some spark of will on working to fix their problem.

I think its worth responding, and needs responding to. my problem is that i have little experience many of those situations and so i can't really give anything of value. I get frustrated by not knowing how to help them.

[Vort]

Jennarator, 17 June 2011:

I agree with Sali & Pam.

You don't need a new paragraph here.

People are upset when they post these things. SOmeitme litterly

Watch out for spelling and typos!

crying as they post. The last thing they are able to do is write their post like a school paper

Note your plural subject/singular object construction. This is actually an old, attested usage in English, so it's not wrong per se, but you should be aware of how you use it and not just throw it out there unconsciously.

ready to be graded.

What do you mean here? I don't understand.

[Jennarator]

Jennarator, 17 June 2011:

I agree with Sali & Pam.

You don't need a new paragraph here.

People are upset when they post these things. SOmeitme litterly

Watch out for spelling and typos!

crying as they post. The last thing they are able to do is write their post like a school paper

Note your plural subject/singular object construction. This is actually an old, attested usage in English, so it's not wrong per se, but you should be aware of how you use it and not just throw it out there unconsciously.

ready to be graded.

What do you mean here? I don't understand.

Hey, I get extra time before turning in paper! Dyslexic ya know. Do I need to send over a note explaining?

[Backroads]

I've never really agreed with the spend-hours-searching-on-a-so-so-site-search-engine-to-find-your-answer philosophy. It's so much easier and faster to ask a question.

[HiJolly]

SeattleTruthSeeker:

Just don't visit the Advice and Marriage Advice subforums. That's what I do. Or, don't do... hmmm...

HJ

[classylady]

I do agree that many of the posts are often similar and seem to be repeated. But, I also realize that to the new member who posted the question, it is new to them. And if some of the new members are like me, they don't know how to search a topic except by scrolling down a forum and reading every single thread. If there's a way to do a search by topic, I haven't figured it out yet. For some people, navigating around the computer just comes naturally, while for others, like me, it's a struggle. I ask my children and now my 8 year old grandson for help--and yes, even the 8 year old knows more than me when it comes to computer skills.

For about a year I had come to lds.net as a guest before I actually was brave enough to finally register and post any replies or even any questions. The way I found lds.net was when I had a question and actually googled it and there it was on lds.net. And many people who post a question, (especially on the marriage and relationship,and advice forums) are doing so out of grief, fear, frustration, etc. and simply don't know where to go for help. This is an anonymous site, so they can ask without being fearful of reprisal or being found out. For many, who have sexually sinned, they know what they need to do, but I think they just need a boost of confidence (Yes, I can do it--I can go to my bishop and repent), and they need some affirmation--that they are still loved by their Heavenly Father. There are those, who don't want to do the right thing, and maybe they are hoping to be validated in their denial. But, for many of these people, they haven't been on lds.net enough to even know they can search through threads to see if their question has been answered. And even if they do some research, because the question they have is unique to them, maybe it isn't answered fully enough. Or if they are wanting validation of their sin, they might post hoping to get that validation.

For me, I usually look at the join date of the person asking the question. If it's a new member, I realize they probably haven't read through all the threads to see if their question has been covered before, so I'm a little more forgiving of their post.