My sisters lying cheating husband!!! but wait he says he sorry!!

[honestabe]

I have a brother in law (not LDS at the time) that dated my oldest sister from around age 16 to 20. My sister left him at age 20 because she knew that her life would be hell if she stayed with him, he was drinking alot using drugs and did not treat her very well. She loved him very much and it was a hard decision for her, they were high school sweet hearts. We come from a family that is LDS. At that time my sister was not active in the church for obvious reasons. Once she left him, she started going to church etc. Around a year later she was married (sealed) to a returned missionary. Needless to say another year later, give or take the marriage was annulled for reasons of he mislead her with what his life plans were. During this time my now brother in law started taking the LDS talks and quit drinking, smoking etc. Knowing that my sisters marriage was on the way out. My sister ended up marrying this guy and getting sealed to him 1-2 years later. We just found out that he has been lying to her about his drinking, gambling and general deception to my sister approximately a year into the marriage (not a surprise to myself). They have 3 children now and been married for around 16 years. On top of the mentioned issues, he has been sleeping with prostitutes for the last 3-5 years. My poor sister found out about this the hard way when she found she had an STD. When confronted he tried to blame her initially. Then the flood gates opened with what he really has been doing. She was devastated. They own a business that employs alot of women. He was also messing around with alot of these women also. To make it worse they live in a small town. Fast forward three months, now she has decided to try to work things out (how you do this with someone who is obviously very very selfish and I think incapable of treating her right). Now he has been told by professionals that he has a sex addiction as well as gambling, drinking etc. They are going to meetings etc. They have told there kids about the drinking & gambling but left out the climax of the situation (no pun intended).

Edited June 18, 2011 by honestabe

[honestabe]

To finish my story, I have a hard time with the decision she is making. I believe he will smooth things over and keep screwing up. After all he has been lying & deceiving for the last 16 years. I wish someone could talk some sense into her. Please respond with your opinions. I do not want to have anything to do with this guy but that decision will obviously damper my relationship with my sister & their children. I know what kind of person he is and its like everyone else in my family is saying "forgiveness, he is sorry, he can change blah blah blah". I would really like some replies on this. At what point does someone have enough self love to leave. Not to mention the message she is sending to her children...it doesn't matter what someone does to you (thats supposed to love you), stick in there and let them treat you poorly even when infedelity is involved. I know if I had a daughter that the same thing happened to, I definetly would not want her to stay after someone has lied and cheated. This is driving me mad!!!!!!!!

Edited June 18, 2011 by honestabe

[Suzie]

Honestabe, I can understand how frustrating must be witnessing your own sister going through all of this but as hard as it maybe (and I hope not to sound too harsh) she's a big woman...married...with THREE children, it is her choice to do what she thinks is best whether is driving you nuts or you strongly disagree is irrelevant and a waste of time really, it is HER marriage, not yours, it is her decision to make, her call... basically you don't have to agree. If you think you cannot handle it, then maybe you should share your feelings with her and explain why your relationship will her will change, etc. In my opinion, this is really an issue about YOU coping or learning how to deal with her choices rather than whether her choices are crazy or not.

[honestabe]

HI Suzie,

You are right about it's my coping with it 100%. I just have a hard time understanding how someone can rationalize whats gone on and for as long as it has. Her whole marriage has been a sham (it's been built on lies & deception). The guy was living two extremely opposite lives. How in a persons right mind does someone look at the facts of what this guy has done and say "I'm going to try and work thru this" It's got me baffled.

[estradling75]

Maybe you should ask her

[honestabe]

I have spoken with her about it. She is basically spending all of her time around him (stockholm sydrome comes to mind) because she can't trust him. Has complete control of the finances etc. Is going to make him take lie detector tests whenever she deems its warranted. I get that its fresh and she is probably still in shock. She has actually been diagnosed with PTSD. I just feel that my sister deserves to be with someone that actually will love her the way we all deserve. This guy might want to be good but the last 20 years I have known him tells me that isn't who he is. The road to hell is paved with good intentions. At the end of the day it isn't what your intentions are it's what you do....and he has shown everyone in my family what he does. He says how sorry he is, but he is only sorry he got caught. 16 YEARS of lying and deceiving.

[jmpcs]

I have been in your sister's position for the past few years...finding out that my RM husband had been lying to me - cheated with four different people in the last 10 years. It is much harder to forget than to forgive. I remember after I first found out (by this time he had cheated three times) and he seemed repentant I was watching a Dr. Phil show and he said that the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. It made me really question whether he would be faithful to me or not. Sure enough, three years later, he did it again. I am here for my kids. I do love him, but if it weren't for them I would have been gone long ago! He actually left for six weeks to be with the other woman, but then realized how stupid he was and how psycho she was and he came back. During that time my kids were devastated. They didn't know details, just that dad was working some things out. My eight year old would wake up crying in the middle of the night and one night he said, as he was sobbing, "I would rather die than not have daddy here with me." I could never leave because of them. I have to turn it over to God. I have continually felt impressed to stay, even though I have wanted to leave. I find myself in the car with all my kids sometimes and think about just taking off back home to my parents. I have to continually pray for guidance. Know that this is not easy for your sister. Divorce is terrible, but being in this position, I believe it is actually much harder to stay than it would be to leave. I pray for a mighty change in my husband.

[honestabe]

Hi JMPCS,

Thanks for sharing your situation with me...I am very sorry that this is happening to you & your children. I guess in the end, I do realize that it is up to the person involved to make the decision that they feel is right. They are the ones that have to live with their choices & consequences. It would be very, very hard with children being involved especially young ones. Children are pretty resiliant, my youngest boy (6) asked me the other day..."Daddy why can't you and your new wife come live with me and mommy at our house". My x and I have told are children that there are a lot of people in their lives that love them alot. We try to show them with our actions and words that they are loved very much. A side note our marriage break up had nothing to do with infidelity. For myself I love my children very very much, but I do know that my children are in healthier environment now than when my x & I were together. It's not easy facing what a person needs to do. Just my story and my opinion. Whatever you choose to do I wish you the best of luck. I couldn't agree more with the statement Dr. PHil made "past behaviour is a good predictor of future behaviour". At the end of the day it is good to have hope & faith but I think alot of people are not really looking at the reality of the situations they are in and how human behaviour works. The doctor wouldn't have said it if there wasn't alot of merit to it. IFool me once shame on you...fool me twice shame on me!!!!IMO

Edited June 19, 2011 by honestabe

[Guest mirancs8]

Wow that is just horrible! I went through a simular situation but I was the wife cheated on and lied to for 12 years. I can't imagine watching from the outside someone you love going through this.

This part concerns me a great deal:

She is basically spending all of her time around him (stockholm sydrome comes to mind) because she can't trust him. Has complete control of the finances etc. Is going to make him take lie detector tests whenever she deems its warranted.

I got like this at the end and it was very bad. I was so desperate to keep him in check I obsessively micromanaged his every move but that didn't stop him... he just found a different path to do what he wanted. They get so good at the lie that they have it down pat. Tell her you're sorry, cry so hard it hurts, tell her you'll do anything to make it work, tell her you love her, and tell her you'll never do it again. With each time your suspicion grows greater and you find yourself having sleepless night trying to track all his online movement.

It's not a way to live. You actually start to feel your losing it. You get consumed with trying to get information... trying to fix him. It's sad but all you can do is be there for her even when you don't agree. She may feel embarrassed to have a 2nd failed marriage and is desperately trying to hold on to what little hope she has. She needs to reach that breaking point when she said I had enough. I am worth more then this loser is making me feel like. In the end he is the loser feeding off the misery for which she is living each day of her life with him.

Just be there for her. I probably wouldn't have listened to anyone at that time because I really believed he would change. It took me looking at myself to finally realize I needed to get rid of the toxins in my life.

[Vort]

And ye shall also forgive one another your trespasses; for verily I say unto you, he that forgiveth not his neighbor’s trespasses when he says that he repents, the same hath brought himself under condemnation. (Mosiah 26:31)

Does this apply? If so, how?

[honestabe]

HI VORT,

Of course this person deserves forgiveness. Forgiveness is in order for my sister to deal with the situation....NOT for the person getting it. This person obviously has a HUGE character/personality flaw. Forgiving him is one thing, wanting him to be with my sister & there family is another. It doesn't take long for the other cheek to get sore. What he has done IS the ultimate form of betrayal & disrespect that someone can do to their spouse & family. There is a HUGE difference between someone who has a moment of weakness (we are all human) & expresses true remorse & guilt....and someone who has lied & deceived for over 16 YEARS. That is a no brainer, forgive him.....YES.....stay with this person.....definetly not.....what he has done is borderline sociopathic and if you don't agree with that statement then he is VERY, VERY NARCISSISTIC (that KNOWBODY can argue.)

[Dove]

Hey, HonestAbe;

I totally empathize and agree with your sentiments. This is not an issue about forgiveness. It would be like telling a child that forgiving an abusive parent meant letting that parent still abuse them. WRONG! No way should the child have had to ever deal with being abused, and then told to forgive and let the abuse continue......It's not the child's fault or responsibility to have to deal with that being done to him/her.

I also agree with what Suzie has said about your sis being a grown woman. However, as I've been reading so much in various posts on this same topic, the lack of self esteem, especially in women with adulterous husbands, by staying with them and accepting their aberrant behavior, is shocking and quite sad. Your sister seems to have some very deep issues telling her that the answer to dealing with her husband is by seeing it as an issue of "forgiveness" rather than an issue of protecting herself from someone bent on destroying her. (the STD comes strongly to my mind).

Perhaps encouraging her to get therapy might be helpful. Of course, loving her is so important. Prayer for her and just support is important. How close are you to your sister? Having a trusting relationship with her where she feels you have her best interest in heart might lead to her really listening to your perspective on this, especially if she grows tired of the abusive behaviors of her spouse......

I used to work at a retirement/nursing home. One of my good friends/coworkers there had a very abusive husband. She would often come to work with a black eye, etc. I felt like we were good friends. I remember one day she talked to me about her children and asked for advice as to how to work with their behaviors. I recommended that she go into therapy. She did. One day she told me about how her son (6 to 7 yrs old) mistakenly cleaned the toilet/bathroom with talcum powder rather than Comet. She had such a good attitude about it, saying that her son was just trying to help. Maybe therapy and seeing her own child so compassionately helped her to realize that she deserved the same. A few months after I stopped working there, I found out she had gotten the courage to leave her abusive husband in the middle of the night. She made her escape. I was so pleased and happy for her. So grateful I had maybe been a small part of her finding the self esteem to leave this person.

I guess what I'm trying to say is be there in a positive way for your sis. Do things together that show you are one person who will not treat her the way her husband is. Love her, support her, pray for her (and how you can help her), encourage her to get professional help if she asks. Hope that she gains the self esteem to leave this person.

[honestabe]

Thanks for your post dove,

I am trying to be there for my sister & her 3 kids....and to some extent her husband. She has decided that she wants to try and work things out (obviously don't agree). They are currently going to counselling & 12 step meetings etc together & alone. This has been a really hard thing for me to wrap my head around but (not to diminish what my sister's going through whatsoever). I recently spoke with my brother inlaw first time since I found out all of the details. We talked for over 2 hours....I do not hate him...I just don't think he is going to change despite what he tells everyone and his best efforts...time has already shown me that. We have been invited on a family vacation in a couple of months. So I spoke with him about that and told him that I would respect my sisters decision and that I could be civil to him while I have to be around him for my sisters sake, my parents and the children. My sister is well aware of mine & my wifes feelings about this topic....so it has been and probably will be akward for everyone for a long time. I told him that everyone in the family shouldn't have to suffer because of his actions. The whole situation makes me very sad (yes, even for my brother in law) Not being able to control yourself when there is SO MANY reasons too. It's like now he realizes the gravity of what he has done...but 16 years of hypocrisy. I guess time will tell (already has once before) but at the end of the day it is my sisters life and all can do is try to be there for her. This has put a huge wedge in our family (1 brother & 2 sisters). it has changed the dynamics of the relationships...it is not going to be the same ever. He told me "I really am the person everyone thought that I was....not the other life I was leading" take that for what it is worth. It is just sad that my sister cannot realize she is trying to save something that really never existed (at least for 16 years). I told my parents " If he would have given her HIV/AIDS would they still be supporting my sisters delusion of trying to save the marriage" or would they be saying "Well they have medications that will let your sister live quite a long time & besides he is sorry for what he has done". It is an ATTACK on the core of who someone is and the children, it's unfortunate that it came from her husband. Sorry for rambling.....this is just so messed up.

[honestabe]

Changed thanks for the post, I would like your opinion on the HIV/AIDS thing! I get what you are saying.....but it hasn`t just been the cheating on my sister, he has been living two lives for 16 years. Pretending to be one thing and in reality living another. If you can read my OP it explains things, this isn`t his first or second chance it is his third. At what point does someone realize HEY this person isn`t going to change he has hoodwinked me for a second time. I will say it again...past behaviour is a good predictor of future behaviour (even if I don`t want it to be)