Frustrated with husband's addiction...

[JaneDoe]

My husband has an addiction to masterbation. He doesn't have to look at pornography. He just uses his thoughts and acts out. The longest he went without a problem was 2 months. Now he's acting out weekly. He goes to the addiction recovery group, SA group, has a sponser, and meets with our bishop every 2 weeks. He's been praying, reading scriptures, and reading the 12 steps daily, but he's still very weak. He recently told me he has homosexual thoughts when he acts out. He says he's not attracted to men, but thinks about it only when acting out. This is so frustrating for me. I see him do double takes at other women when we are out in public. We can't go to any water parks, lakes, beaches, or any where women would be wearing revealing clothing. He can't keep his thoughts pure and he gives in to temptation. I don't understand an addictive brain. I'm reading He Restoreth My Soul to help me understand...He says he loves me. But actions speak louder than words right? Any uplifting comments would be appreciated.

Edited August 18, 2011 by JaneDoe

[sweetiepie]

I'm so sorry. I am going to give you my "girlfriend" advice, as I am sure many people on here will give you wonderful spiritual counsel as well.

This is his problem to fix, not yours. It sounds like you are doing everything you can. I would have the same fears and insecurities as you. I don't think you would be a bad wife if you took a stand since he technically is doing all he can to fight this but it doesn't sound like he is emotionally; just going through the "steps". I might be ready to take some time apart and give a little bit of an ultimatum.

You can be there for him and love him, but you don't have to accept his behavior. If you need space, its ok. But that is up to you and of course, pray, pray, pray.

[skippy740]

I don't understand an addictive brain.

That's the #1 problem. There are some free downloadable CDs that (I think) would help you understand. The good news? They're free and with an LDS perspective.

A Better Mormon - Become Part of the Solution of Pornography Addiction

[JaneDoe]

I don't think that's the #1 problem. I'm not the problem. His addiction is. But I am doing what I can to learn more about it. Thank you for the links.

[skippy740]

But he isn't posting here. You are. We can't "fix" him. You can't "fix" him.

The best thing as a next step for you is to help understand his world and his mind without being enveloped in it yourself.

I'm not saying that you're the problem. Nor am I saying that you are contributing or detracting from the solution.

The best thing to do (IMO) is to have him keep doing what he is doing, and you continue to understand the best ways you can help. The 1st step in helping is understanding & empathy. Not sympathy, but empathy. The CD recordings I recommended will help. If there's a spousal support group, I'd recommend that as well. Marriage counseling may help as well.

It may take the TWO of you to help HIM pull through this.

The hardest part? Is to keep the edge of hurt out of your voice as you communicate. It's obvious that you are hurting. But your pain, while it needs to be discussed, may drive him further to the behavior if you can't keep the "edge" out. I can't tell you how to do this, nor should you have to walk on eggshells around him. Just be aware of the tone of your voice as you talk.

The last thing he should want, is a constant reminder that you are in pain... as long as he is making progress and doing everything in his power.

Do you have a filter on your computer?

[JaneDoe]

You're are right...The hardest part is keeping the hurt out when he does confess things to me. I'm so hurt that I initially speak with anger. I appreciate him coming to me and telling me things. I'm working on controlling that... We do not have filters. I need them. Where do I get them? The computer is in the living room and he does not access it unless I am in the room. There is a password he doesn't know if I'm not home or asleep.

[skippy740]

The K9 filter is free for home use and does an EXCELLENT job.

K9 Web Protection - Free Internet Filter and Parental Control Software | Free Internet Filtering and Parental Controls Software

I would let him have access to the computer. Having him always ask you for access can be seen as demeaning to him and a constant reminder of his addiction.

This would let him have access to the computer, yet avoid all the stuff that fuels the addiction. Let's empower him a little (and keep the nagging you for access to a minimum). :) Of course, YOU set the passwords and the internet permissions. You can even set up a "time block" for when internet access shuts off and when it's accessible again. (This is great if your husband ends up being on the computer all night. Without the internet, there ends up being little reason to be on the computer late at night.)

[JaneDoe]

This will be wonderful! He is starting an online course, so I need filters. I will apply them ASAP!

[Just_A_Guy]

I'd also recommend Confronting Pornography.

And yes, K9 is great; but if your computer dual-boots make sure that K-9 is installed on each and every OS on the machine.

[Windseeker]

I'm sorry about your situation. The only thing you can do is to exercise forgiveness and long suffering. He has to keep up the fight and needs your support. Your anger won't do anything for you or him. If he ever gives up the fight, it's time for you to focus on the children and move on.

Every home should have OpenDNS even if your using K9 or Windows Live Family Safety. It's simple, free and it's just a setting on your router. Nothing to install.

https://store.opendns.com/familyshield/

[keys]

On not being angry: My husband and I have found it very helpful to move the anger before talking to each other. Our system is to take a small time out and walk around the block, yell into a pillow, call a friend etc. until we don't feel angry anymore. Then we can talk with love and see reason instead of the initial angry reaction which only hurts feelings. Hope this helps! Good luck on your journey.

[JaneDoe]

This afternoon my husband confessed to me that he has relapsed multiple times in the past week. He said it all started when he had a bad night at work, and it spirled downward from there. His addiction is his coping mechanism when he gets upset or depressed.

When he's in these relapse modes, he's more quick to anger. He gets upset with our children easily. He raises his voice, and doesn't say nice things to them. He is distant from me and them. He stops doing his part of the chores. He is almost completely different from the happy fun loving guy I know and love. He blames this attitude and behavior on his addiction.

Do I just tolerate this type of behavior towards my children and me until he is in recovery?

I'm trying so hard to separate this addiction from the man that I love, but it completely consumes him. I feel like I'm in a ping pong game being hit back and forth between two different personalities. In the mean time, I have to pretend to everyone that life is fabulous when I'm hurting inside. Almost no one knows that this fun charismatic person out in public isn't always the same person at home.

[slamjet]

Is he seeing anyone about his addiction? It's one thing to blame his attitude on his addiction, it's another to be doing something about it.

[JaneDoe]

He is attending the PASG meetings and SA meetings weekly. He hasn't seen the Bishop in over a month, and he's gotten lazy on his daily scripture study. I can't snap my fingers and say do this and that. Wish it were that easy...

[MorningStar]

Ugh. Sounds like he never learned to have any healthy coping skills. I went to an interesting fireside a year or two ago and the speaker talked about boys having trouble because they're taught to "suck it up" when they get upset instead of talk about their feelings. When girls cry, they're validated, but boys are just supposed to get over it. He also mentioned a connection between ADD, video games, and porn addiction.

Does your husband have a healthy outlet at all? It's really good that he's telling you voluntarily about his relapses, but I know that's not a huge comfort. Does he recognize the way he treats everyone around him when he does it?

[MarginOfError]

Please also keep in mind that overcoming addictions takes a long, long time. How long has he been working on his current effort? Would you show the same exasperation if he were battling nicotine addiction?

Like MorningStar said, he doesn't appear to have any other coping mechanism. He needs to develop a few of those before he'll really be successful. In the meantime, if he picks up on your frustrations, it will only compound the problem. I know it's easier said than done, but you need to keep your cool or you just might make it worse.

[Blocky]

My opinion is coming from a very personal place, so it might not fit with your situation.

Because he came to you and told you voluntarily what was going on, I think you need to focus on anything and everything that is positive right now. When my husband is having a hard time, with this subject or anything, when I try to be upbeat, positive, and try to make our home a happy fun place, it's much easier for him. When I get depressed and moody about it, he gets even worse. It's a vicious cycle, and it in a way is an 'unfair' burden on me, but it's how it is.

This doesn't mean you have to be ok with him being rude at all. I've had to tell my husband, when we were alone and I was very calm, that he wasn't being kind and that he needs to be more careful around the kids. When this happens I also schedule several hours during the week when he's home for me and the kids not to be. This lets him relax, maybe watch a movie (not porn of course), just chill with out having the immediate responsibilities of me and kids on his shoulder. I tell him that's the express purpose of us going to the mall or to the park or whatever. For him to relax by himself so he can be recharged for when we come home.

I hope you can find some peace in all this. I know it's so hard. The fact that he told after only a week is a great sign of his willingness to keep trying with you. I'm sorry he's having a hard time but hopefully it'll be easier soon.

[alyssaauch]

Blocky had it right with the positive attitude thing. I definitely agree.

[MorningStar]

Please also keep in mind that overcoming addictions takes a long, long time. How long has he been working on his current effort? Would you show the same exasperation if he were battling nicotine addiction?

Like MorningStar said, he doesn't appear to have any other coping mechanism. He needs to develop a few of those before he'll really be successful. In the meantime, if he picks up on your frustrations, it will only compound the problem. I know it's easier said than done, but you need to keep your cool or you just might make it worse.

Pretending you're not that upset will drive you crazy and build resentment. Women can't successfully hide their feelings from their husbands.

[JaneDoe]

No, he doesn't have a healthy outlet. He works out sometimes when he finds the time. His job is stressful and he works nights, so that is piled on top of what he's going through. In a few weeks, he's going to start his master's degree. That's going to add even more stress. He needs to do something to relieve this stress in a healthy way. Join a gym, talk to a therapist (wish we had one that lived closer), or do something recreational to send him happy endorphins.

I can't hide my feelings. I don't scold him or anything of that nature when he tells me these things. I, too, get depressed when he tells me. I shut down, and I have negative thoughts about our marriage. I'm envious of couples that are able to attend the temple together. Oh, how I long for the day we can go together and to feel the Holy Spirit within the temple walls. We are sealed, but my husband doesn't currently hold a recommend, for obvious reasons. I pray for strength for him and for myself to endure these difficult times. "We can never complete 'the race that is set before us' (Heb. 12:1) without placing our hand in the Lord’s" (W. Craig Zwick). I won't give up, as long as he keeps trying to do everything in his power with the Lord's help. I'm trying to fear not, and have faith in my Heavenly Father....Here's the having a better attitude!

[MarginOfError]

Pretending you're not that upset will drive you crazy and build resentment. Women can't successfully hide their feelings from their husbands.

I can't hide my feelings. I don't scold him or anything of that nature when he tells me these things. I, too, get depressed when he tells me. I shut down, and I have negative thoughts about our marriage. I'm envious of couples that are able to attend the temple together.

I don't want anyone to hide their feelings. I want them to change themselves and experience different feelings. not an easy thing to do, but I assure you it will bring far better results.

[MorningStar]

How do you change your feelings about something that may lead to job loss, exposing the kids, behavior escalating until the addict visits a strip club, committing adultery, etc.? Women just aren't going to have an attitude of, "Awwww! That was a good try, honey! Better luck next time!" It's just way too offensive on so many levels. If the worst her husband encounters is frustration, he's lucky. He knows the behavior is wrong for many reasons, including the fact that it will devastate his wife, but he still needs to confess every time. It is his responsibility to kick this addiction. Women go nuts trying to change themselves thinking it will prevent slip-ups. That is what co-dependency is. If she gets really upset, yes, he might feel tempted to start hiding it, but she shouldn't have to fake it and act like it's not a big deal when it is.

A friend of mine went through a horrible time. Many big changes in her family and her husband's brother had been fired for looking at pornography at work. He admitted to doing the same and she was terrified he would also be fired. There was no way to admit to his relapses without upsetting her when the consequences could be so huge.

Another friend of mine was relieved her family was making it financially when suddenly her husband was fired and denied unemployment. He gave her some bogus story that he had caught someone else looking at pornography at work and didn't report it, but it didn't add up. He couldn't find work in the area and had to move to another state to live with his family and start over. That ended their marriage before long.

Another friend's husband caused nasty porn pop-ups and she ended up seeing it. Her kids were in the room too, which is a pretty big deal.

Another friend came home from a Relief Society conference and caught her husband surfing in front of their small children.

It is frustrating as heck knowing your husband chooses that behavior even though he knows how horrible it's going to make you feel. If you pretend it's not a big deal, then he knows you're the one not being honest now.

Edited August 13, 2011 by MorningStar

[Guest]

I agree with MorningStar! I'll make another point, too, and this one comes from my husband. He needs to try harder. If he's going to group therapy and counseling with the bishop and still can't keep himself from the porn, then he needs to not have access to it. I would support him in beating the addiction by removing it from the home. My husband's idea was this: he comes home from work, and you acknowledge that he's had a hard time with it and you want to help him. So the computer and internet will not be in your home, at least for the time being, and you've already taken care of that for him. Harsh, yes, but I think the consequences of him having it literally at his fingertips whenever he gets stressed are more harsh. Would an alcoholic still have a liquor cabinet in his home? Maybe it would be a sacrifice for the family to not have computer and internet. So the kids might have to go to the library to type up papers. He'll most certainly be angry. But my husband's point, and I agree, was WHO CARES? Let him be mad! He's brought this filth and influence into your home and lives, and you have every right and duty to do all that you can to take it out. I think being softy on him and patting his little head when he slips up weekly or more isn't effective. Remove the source of the addiction. Make him work harder to get to it. Give him other outlets, like exercise or service. He. Needs. To. Try. Harder.

[JaneDoe]

My husband has new student orientation at a college near the beach. I wanted to get out of the house with the kids and play at the beach, but he urged against it since our youngest daughter doesn't sleep well at night. (We had to get a hotel one night) He didn't want to hear her cry at night and not sleep. I said I really wanted to go and I'll take care of her crying. So he had orientation yesterday, got out around 5. We went to dinner. His mind was else where, thinking of school stuff, I'm sure, but I was sitting there struggling with the kids at the restaurant. I had my 1 yr old in my lap trying to feed her and myself. My 3 yr old kept getting up trying to run off while my husband sat there enjoying his food while I'm sitting there struggling. I asked for some help and he did nothing. He said it's a losing battling with our 3 yr old. He didn't care that she kept getting up. When we got to the car, I raised my voice and asked him why he didn't at least offer to help me out. He yelled back, "I don't even want you to be here. I knew it would be this way with the kids. I told you." Excuse me for wanting to get out of the house and try to have some fun with the kids at the beach while he was at orientation.

So last night my youngest woke up a couple of times, but she went back to sleep after a few minutes of crying. He got up at 6 am to get ready. He was being really loud by pulling out the ironing board and slammed the bathroom door shut. I asked him if he could be a little more quiet. He says, "I'm tired. I couldn't f'n sleep last night because of her." Wow. Now I feel like the jerk for even going.

I drove home this morning. Now feeling guilty for going and hurt by the things he said. And wanting something better for myself. I'm tired of being treated this way.

[JaneDoe]

Almost forgot. He mausterbated last night. He told me this morning since he was stressed and couldn't sleep. He thought it would help. AGIUYTIOUYHHLJKBN!! It's all my fault now.