How Many Chances

[kimzirker]

I'm wondering how many chances a person gets? It's a vague question. My husband and I have been through so much together. I think there's a chance to fix our relationship, so I just keep holding on. The latest problem is dealing with his 'midlife crisis'. He's turning 40 and just can't handle it. This started a barrage of very weird erratic behavior that is totally out of his character. Among other things, he started having a relationship with a much younger girl online. It was just online, but very intimate. I'm still working on the healing from that and probably will be for a long time. We saw the bishop together several times and it really seemed to make things better for a time. Everything was still strained, but I could slowly feel him coming back from lala land. At least until last night. We had not been getting along the last few days. Not really arguing, but not really talking either. As I was walking by the couch, I noticed that he was on that site again and he quickly closed the screen. He told me nothing inappropriate was going on and that it was none of my business. We had a long talk. Then after he fell asleep I looked on his ipad and sure enough, he had made a new profile for himself--a single dad with four girls! (He doesn't know that I know his passcode lock) I was horrified. How could he share pictures of my children on a site like that??? I erased all the apps. I couldn't leave those pictures on there. Not of my children. I will talk to the bishop today, but I'm wondering--when is it enough? I feel in my heart that this is just a really weird 'phase' he's going through and it will pass. But I'm not sure if my sticking in there power can hold out much longer. We have a large family and leaving would be incredibly difficult. I feel like if it's fixable then it's not worth the pain it would cause the children. But I'm also feeling that he needs a taste of what he stands to lose if this type of behavior keeps going. I'm sort of babbling now, but these are the thoughts going through my mind this morning. I could see that he just set up the account yesterday evening, so at least it hasn't gotten out of control again.

[estradling75]

When it comes to the question of how many chances a spouse should get no one here can give you a hard and fast answer. We can't do this because the correct answer can only be received through personal revelation. You need to take it to the Lord in prayer.

Now many on the forum can offer advice (some might be less friendly then others), support, understanding, and sympathy. But for your main question that is something you have to answer for yourself.

[kimzirker]

oh yes. i know that. Just kind of thinking out loud. Advice, support, understanding and sympathy welcome. :)

[applepansy]

You need to make copies of what he is posting online. If it all goes south unless you have evidence that's he's posting pictures of your children on a singles site, it will be your word against his in a court. Even if the judge believes you unless there is evidence he can't consider what you say unless you have evidence.

Even then..... sometimes judges made decisions that boggle the mind.

Protect yourself and most especially your children.

[NeuroTypical]

I'm of the opinion that you should always give people another chance. However, putting up with his behavior and hoping he'll change is NOT 'giving another chance', it's turning a blind eye.

If I were you, I'd talk to a lawyer. Like folks here are suggesting, gather evidence and protect yourself and children. I would also consider asking him to move out. "Giving him another chance" in this case, would mean joint counseling, full disclosure to bishop and church discipline, accepting the damage he's done to marital trust, and working to earn back his place as your spouse.

Give him a chance to pick. Is it you and family, or is it "single dad with kids"? If the answer isn't firmly "marriage and family", to everybody - you, the bishop, that girl, and everyone else he encounters online or during his day - then he's not taking you up on the chance.

[Martain]

I would recommend that you attend the temple weekly with your husband but I'm not certain that he is currently able to go considering his behavior.

The pathway your husband on leads to adultery.

From what you state, he has already committed adultery in his heart and mind previously and repented of it to his bishop. Now that he is doing so again, this becomes a worse issue. Do indeed talk with your bishop. You might also want to ask for a referral to LDS Family Services and pursue marriage counseling.

My heart goes out to you.

[Guest FixingTheWrongs]

I'm likely to to get flamed for this but I'm going to play a bit of devil's advocate here.

I'm 36 and I believe I'm hitting my mid life crisis as well a bit early. My outlet is heavy exercise and I'm sad to say badgering my wife to get in shape herself. My wife, until recently was very scared, wondering if there will be any part of the man she fell in love with left, and yes she WAS worried about my wanting divorce. With me I felt I have a lot of regrets, I should of finished college, wish I'd been more social in HS, did I make the right choices in life and what do I have to show for it now.

Have you talked to your husband to find out what the ROOT cause or feelings are to his recent behavior? Keep in mind many of his thoughts and feelings will likely not be rational and you shouldn't down play them if he is willing to talk about them. I'm fortunate to have a loving understanding wife and though the talks we have had have been tough, they really helped me sort out my feelings. I realize I have a lot going for me and I don't want to throw it away. I cannot change the past, by getting in shape and being healthy was something I could do, so that has become my outlet.

See if he is willing to come clean and tell you what his feelings are and why he is acting this way and if there is anything you can do to help him. I love LM's words of "full disclosure" he does need to tell you and the bishop what is troubling him and take steps to overcome it. If he is unwilling then the others advise of taking precautions and protecting yourself would be advisable. It sounds like you are doing all in your power to to overcome this trial and I sincerily hope you do.

[kimzirker]

Thanks everyone. I pondered on posting anything, but I'm actually glad that I did. We have talked at length about what he's going through. He feels a bit like you (fixings) where he's pretty focused on his regrets and what not. I think they are silly. Anyone would. He's got a great career, great house, dream car, loving wife, 5 amazing children, really everything.... It's crazy. It's irrational. So I'm trying to hang in there and be supportive and yet not TOO supportive. It's a hard line. I never thought I'd be dealing with anything like this EVER. Why in the world would he be messing around with girls on the internet pretending to be single? I try not to focus too much on that. Otherwise I think I'd lose my mind. Right now I'm going to just do the best I can, talk to the bishop often, and go to marriage counseling. But it's ok if I'm still totally devastated right? I'm trying to keep it together, but sometimes are harder than others. I feel like if I don't keep it together then it will all fall apart. Then I tell myself it's ok to fall apart because then maybe it can be put back together better. Ok, I'm rambling again. Just thoughts. Thoughts I can't say outloud because I'm so busy trying to keep it together for me, him, and my kids. Anyway, thank you so much for the advice and the encouragement. This is one wild and crazy life.

[Guest FixingTheWrongs]

I was hoping someone else might offer advise on your last post. I'll continue, I feel that all I have to offer you is insight into what your husband might be feeling. At the same time I do not support the way he is handling himself.

He feels a bit like you (fixings) where he's pretty focused on his regrets and what not. I think they are silly. Anyone would. He's got a great career, great house, dream car, loving wife, 5 amazing children, really everything.... It's crazy. It's irrational.

While they may seem silly to you and a normal rational person in his mind they are very real issues. So don't treat them lightly or he could be pushed further away. Hopefully if you and him can work this out and you can laugh about this whole thing in a few months.

Why in the world would he be messing around with girls on the internet pretending to be single?

Honestly, to try and feel younger. There are very few ways to to this. Having the opposite sex find you attractive is one of them. I can understand his desire to do what he did(yes it crossed my mind a time or two) but it is wrong and at the first signs of tempation he should of went to you and the bishop for help. I chose exercise and getting in shape, perhappes he could find a hobby of some kind himself.

But it's ok if I'm still totally devastated right? I'm trying to keep it together, but sometimes are harder than others. I feel like if I don't keep it together then it will all fall apart. Then I tell myself it's ok to fall apart because then maybe it can be put back together better.

Yes, you should feel hurt and abandoned, my wife would in your situation. The fact that you caught him in the act makes it all the worse. What he did was very wrong and he needs to repent. It is great you are being supportive but not TOO supportive. He needs to work through these issues himself and make a commitment to repent.

I hope that helps, I don't really know what to do to advise you as to what you can do to help him further. It will have to be him in the long run that changes, keep the faith and hang in there.

Edited September 7, 2011 by FixingTheWrongs

[kimzirker]

I hardly think I'll ever look back at this moment and laugh over the whole thing. LOL. The idea is laughable though. There will never be anything funny or humorous about the pain he has put me through or his emotional affair. The rest of your post is spot on, however. He does want to be younger. He has also chosen to exercise hours a day (although he is already in great shape), learn to play the guitar, buy a sportscar, take up cyling, and get a nose job. Now--I do see myself looking back and laughing over some of THAT! (I already do).

I think the worst part is that I caught him and he didn't come to me. It's much more serious than my original post let on. He had plans to meet up with the original girl, had very intimate conversations, and had been telling her he loved her for months. Then the new girls--(I found the same day he started up again so nothing too serious had started up yet) he was pretending to be a single dad and sending and posting pictures of my children to these girls. Not only that, but he shared personal intimate details about me to them--distorting the details to make it look like he was such a supportive person, but I had left him.

He says he resents me for invading his privacy and taking away his agency to choose to tell me about it. Says he's being forced to repent because of it. Then in the same breath, he's so sorry and loves me and wants to work on our marriage. The whole thing is crazy. I just keep shaking my head in unbelief. But what you say is true--I do have to just let him do the repenting. It has to be him, not me. That just doesn't make living through it any easier. Thank you so much for your post. :)

[Guest FixingTheWrongs]

I had no idea his online dealings were so serious. I was thinking they had been a bit more casual and infrequent. You are right, this is serious enough that it will not be something to laugh about. I hope all goes well for you and he will come to his senses and overcome this.

[Windseeker]

Thanks everyone. I pondered on posting anything, but I'm actually glad that I did. We have talked at length about what he's going through. He feels a bit like you (fixings) where he's pretty focused on his regrets and what not. I think they are silly. Anyone would. He's got a great career, great house, dream car, loving wife, 5 amazing children, really everything.... It's crazy. It's irrational. So I'm trying to hang in there and be supportive and yet not TOO supportive. It's a hard line. I never thought I'd be dealing with anything like this EVER. ...

Hi deniallady, I'm sorry this is happening to you. I have been in your place and know how you must be feeling. I'm now divorced and remarried and have primary care over our 4 children. I remember my wife at the time telling me that she no longer had any say in what direction she was taking. She was out of control and there was nothing she or I could do. The guilt she felt over what she had done and was doing was too much for her to face and she ended up leaving the family. At that point I had to make a decision for the kids. I hope it doesn't come down to that for you but it seems like he's well on the path.

Stay strong, falling apart leaves the kids without anyone. Hang in there. The church is amazing and wonderful. The pain and stress were so great sometimes it was all I could do was to focus on my breathing and the fact I was alive. Remember to breath and be grateful for each breath.

[JaneDoe]

Lust will only take him so far. It has a dead end road. Some men obviously don't realize this until they reach the dead end. True everlasting love is what will bring them back to the right place they need to be. Satan is crafty and will continue to try to entice them to make wrong turns. Try to be strong and know our Heavenly Father is mindful of us. Pray, pray, and pray always. I know it hurts like heck, but keep your head up and try to replace fear with faith that your husband will overcome this.

Edited September 9, 2011 by JaneDoe

[bettyjbass]

I'm wondering how many chances a person gets? It's a vague question. My husband and I have been through so much together. I think there's a chance to fix our relationship, so I just keep holding on. The latest problem is dealing with his 'midlife crisis'. He's turning 40 and just can't handle it. This started a barrage of very weird erratic behavior that is totally out of his character. Among other things, he started having a relationship with a much younger girl online. It was just online, but very intimate. I'm still working on the healing from that and probably will be for a long time. We saw the bishop together several times and it really seemed to make things better for a time. Everything was still strained, but I could slowly feel him coming back from lala land. At least until last night. We had not been getting along the last few days. Not really arguing, but not really talking either. As I was walking by the couch, I noticed that he was on that site again and he quickly closed the screen. He told me nothing inappropriate was going on and that it was none of my business. We had a long talk. Then after he fell asleep I looked on his ipad and sure enough, he had made a new profile for himself--a single dad with four girls! (He doesn't know that I know his passcode lock) I was horrified. How could he share pictures of my children on a site like that??? I erased all the apps. I couldn't leave those pictures on there. Not of my children. I will talk to the bishop today, but I'm wondering--when is it enough? I feel in my heart that this is just a really weird 'phase' he's going through and it will pass. But I'm not sure if my sticking in there power can hold out much longer. We have a large family and leaving would be incredibly difficult. I feel like if it's fixable then it's not worth the pain it would cause the children. But I'm also feeling that he needs a taste of what he stands to lose if this type of behavior keeps going. I'm sort of babbling now, but these are the thoughts going through my mind this morning. I could see that he just set up the account yesterday evening, so at least it hasn't gotten out of control again.

denaillady, everyword you have written has touch my heart! I trutly understand what you are saying, as many as times that Jesus, says forgives seven times seventy is a master strength that I ask how did he do it? I am married to a former Pastor, now for thirteen tears and asking "Our Heavenly Father", right now to help me, or please remove this difficult worn, torn hurt that is inside my heart. I know Jesus, will never give up on us, but the last word I could take tonight was him to say, I am a devil black mormon, and to go back to my ex-huaband which is a second counsel for a Bishop, of the church of the Latter Day Saints, and have been divorce from him years ago! It is killing me the awful words I try to obey and listen with not responding back to such nasty words. Although I divorce my first husband years ago. I meet the missionaries riding bikes on the streets, years ago before I had divorce my first husband, because of adultry, and have not talked to him since four years ago. I am beginning to think lowly of myself, when I love my husband now, so so so much! We have a two year old son, and I do not know what is this that happening to his mind! I have been thinking so many negative things, but will not repond back evil like he does. I have no friends, and very closed within, and just pray, fast all the time. However there are so many reasons with so much to consider in issues to his attitudes being this way, but I have done nothing wrong but stayed faithful. I think he is cheating on me too! I thinks a lot of things, and my mind do not needs this right now. I have six children with one being my step child. Although I had lost a child at four months old back some time, which he would have been twenty-one years old. I have suffered many broken-hearts from trying so hard to love a man! And I thought he loved God, so deeply as well. It only seems that the realness comes for the true and heart of marriages is when I have to find them cheating and then they become real with God, hoping that I return. I am not going to re-marry no more if, him and I do not make it! I am being torn down inside myself. After all this from anything that I have learn in life is 'Trust No Man', they will let you down.

[greer63sykes]

I think that one of the most basic and important parts of effective couples communication is the attention and focus the listener brings to the communication table. Often when couples complain about a breakdown in communication, in part they are referring to the distress of not feeling heard by their partner.

Leadership training

[Gwen]

There is a difference in longing to be attractive again and looking around when you are out and about thinking "i wonder if that person would be interested in me" and actively going out making profiles on singles sites, creating a false story of how your marriage ended and creating relationships. This isn't an "accidental" affair (one where things with a coworker just "got out of hand"). He is seeking an affair. Maybe even looking to see if there is something "better" while trying to avoid the risk of losing what he has just in case he can't land better. The difference isn't even a fine line.

I would separate. He will not wake up until you do. If you give him another chance that is up to you. I wouldn't just put him out, I would make it a legal separation, child support and everything. Give him a taste of the life he thinks he wants.

Prepare yourself for him not waking up and coming back. Remember what you do now is teaching your children.... how they can treat a spouse and how much they should put up with. Do you want your children living out the life you have now?

You need to really prayerfully consider your next move. Keep in mind your priesthood leaders, though great resources, can not counsel you to divorce (even if personally they think it's needed and/or justified). This is a decision only you and God can make.

Good luck and God bless.

[kimzirker]

Yes. I agree Gwen. We are going to counseling. But to be perfectly honest, it's not going so well. I believe separation is in the cards for me. I feel very good about trying counseling. But at the end of the day--I'm a one man woman and his little fantasy world does not fit in my life-or my kids'. The part that's so hard is that it's so unexpected. So out of the blue. I'm just kinda walking around in a state of numbness. It's easy for me to survive there (I'm also a victim of incest), but I'm not the same gal I was back then. I actually expect to be treated with respect and love. It's a hard situation for me and I'm trying to make sure I am making the choices that are right for me. I'm being prayerful, very prayerful and trying to go with what I feel good about. But I truly do believe that God knows me and is aware of my pain, hurt, sorrow, and worries. I know He will lead me, guide me, walk beside me as I stumble through this time. I really do appreciate all the responses and advice. It actually helps just to talk about it with someone. And by someone I mean all the random strangers on this forum. :) Thanks everyone!