Disfellowship

[momof7-2nheaven]

In 1988 I lost my first daughter to SIDS. I was a unwed mom and really ran away from the anguish at the time. I found my way to straighten up and in 1991 was married in the temple to a great guy. 3 years a go I was involved in a horrible car accident that killed my oldest son. 4 out of my other 5 children were injured in this accident, some worse than others, some injuries that will last a lifetime. I did not handle this too well and went off the deep end. I had panic after panic attacks. I was prescribed valium. I was waist high in PTSD but didn't know it at the time. I started drinking to mask the sadness. I lost any faith in god whatsoever. I made some horrible decisions and was later disfellowshipped. It has been over a year and a half since I got some help and changed my life back. I go to church with my family but have no testimony of what is being said. I try to fake it because my husband is a firm believer. i am just wondering what happens if I am never fellowshipped back. I have no desire to do this. I have no faith in the local leaders of this church.I don't believe their is a God on most days. I don't have any problems living the church standards because I know we have a happier family when we do but I don't want to be a part of the whole life is happy atmosphere down at church because life is not happy. I get incredibly tired of being told that if god gave you this trial then you needed it, or that you should have been able to handle it.

Any insight would be appreciated. I do not get along with the bishop of this ward. it is a farming community and I am an outsider and as such I am treated as one.

[beefche]

I'm not really sure what your question is. Would you restate it more clearly?

[Vort]

How awful. I am so sorry for your trials.

Here are some thoughts that may offer you insight:

• Drugs affect more than your body and mind. They also greatly affect your spiritual sensitivity. When you began using drugs, you deeply affected your ability to feel the Spirit of God. I suspect this is a primary reason (though not the only one) why you feel so alone.
• God's existence does not mean we won't experience terrible events or trials. God's existence means that we have someone to help us when we experience those trials. You can use the trials to separate yourself from God, or you can find a deeper dependence on and love for God through your trials.
• A testimony is found through sincere seeking. In part, this involves doing the things you have been doing, like going to Church and living the standards. But it also involves the elements of personal devotion: prayer, scripture reading, temple attendance, and the like. If you have ceased performing the personal devotions, you are unlikely to feel your own testimony.
• Your two oldest children are gone from you for now, but they are not gone forever, and are not lost. You may not believe that right now, but it is so. Like all the rest of us who have ever lived, you will die, and when you do, you will know your oldest children again. Prepare to meet them.
• You have five other children who depend on you and look to you for an example. Don't allow yourself the luxury of wallowing in despair and self-pity. Be the kind of person they can look to for courage and inspiration. And don't just pretend to be that person; put in the difficult effort to find God in your life and make him a part of it, so that you can actually BE that person.

Those are my thoughts, for whatever they might be worth to you.

[momof7-2nheaven]

I am just wondering what happens if I never get fellowshipped back into the church? Will it just hang in the air, does your chance go away? If you don't want to be fellowshipped back could they put you through another church court?

[NeuroTypical]

Hi momof7-2nheaven,

I hear you. I married a lady who earned her PTSD the hard way too, and fought hard to gain back a good life too. She also struggles to not get offended at the dumb things said by people who have no clue about the sources of misery this life has to offer.

Here's something that may help you a bit: Myths about Mental Illness The next time you run into one of these hurtful clueless people, have them read this talk.

I don't know what it's like, but I'm aware that folks in your situation often struggle very hard to feel God's love. Do you know what my wife finds fulfilling? She occasionally runs into a kid who is heading towards where she used to be (or is already there). Sometimes these kids are the children of the clueless church people. She's able to give them useful, meaningful, practical advice from the perspective of someone who used to be there. It's not always sucessful - but when she can help turn the path of one out of ten kids, she counts it a win.

Maybe you want to consider something like this: Get down on your knees, and say something like this. "God, I'm not exactly sure if you really exist or not. It makes no sense why you'd make me suffer like I have. If you have a purpose for me, please show it to me. I will help to the best of my abilities." If this is something you could get behind 110%, well, I've seen miracles happen.

[Vort]

I am just wondering what happens if I never get fellowshipped back into the church? Will it just hang in the air, does your chance go away? If you don't want to be fellowshipped back could they put you through another church court?

If you want to regain full fellowship, just follow what your bishop lays out. If you do not want to regain full fellowship, you will not be excommunicated just for that fact alone. But you are likely to have lots of well-meaning people continually asking you what they can do to help you.

[momof7-2nheaven]

My ward is a very funny ward. i am told that I have a tough shell and so therefore no one feels comfortable around me. I love service and try to help out whenever i can. I don't see this side of me. I feel weak and fragile and I would certainly accept help if it was offered. My bishop in fact never met with me in the entire year of my disfellowship stage, and probably never would have until my husband called him on it. It has been a year and a half. He called me in the last night and asked me if I wanted my membership back. Just makes me feel like a horrible persona. I don't think I am ready.

[Guest gopecon]

I'm so sorry for your losses. As to your question about getting refellowshiped (if that's the right word)...Do you want to have you membership restored to good standing? If not, no one can force that on you. You can spend the rest of your life in disfellowshiped limbo if you choose. If you do want to have the blessings of full membership restored, then you will need to go through your bishop. I realize that you don't care for the current one in your ward, but either he or his successor will have to be a part of restoring you to full fellowship. You will have to demonstrate repentance for the sins that got you there in the first place. You might consider seeing a counselor from LDS Family Services to help you with some of your issues. Good luck!

[Jennarator]

Such a sad story. Makes me cry. The Lord knows exactly how you are feeling. He knows the hurt. I can't tell you how to believe. I can't tell you you ever will belive again. Just know you are loved, deeply.

Perhaps a counslor could help you with some of the PTSD. I know you said you got some help, however you might still need some. You are living this day to day as you are the mother of children that are living it.

You efforts don't go unnoticed. Right now you are doing the best you can to endure and you are enduring so much more than you thought you were able.

I would love to reccomend you turning this over to the Lorn, but that is hard when you feel like he isn't thee. Perhaps some meditation, or some daily escape, some you time.

As far as the disfellowship goes, the church will take you back when you are ready, there is now specific time frame you need to keep. You don't get just one chance.

God Bless!

[momof7-2nheaven]

I have only seen LDS counselors. Most do not know how to approach my loss. One very good LDS counselor did 2 6 week treatments of EMDR. which helped so much, before I could not even drive now i take my kids to school on the same route in which my son died at the same time every morning. I struggle through each day. i am still using an LDS counselor. None of these counselors were through LDS social services, every counselor I tried there was inept. I do go to church, once in a while I will pray, but you have to understand that if there is a God, I am so angry at him that it is hard to go to him with my sadness. He knows how it feels to lose a Son right? He has taken two of mine......They are not with me and as long as I am here on this earth I will miss them, as will my other children.

[classylady]

Momof7-2nheaven, I'm so sorry for the loss of your children. The death a child (I believe) is one of the hardest trials an individual can ever go through. Eight years ago my 19 year old daughter died in a car accident. I can still remember how I felt when I first heard the news. I wanted to drop to the ground and scream and scream! I didn't. I wanted to cry! I couldn't. It took me almost a week before I could cry, though, on the inside I was crying continually and felt so raw and hurt. It's hard to describe unless you've been though it before. I had to be strong for my other 6 children--3 older and 3 younger than her. She was an unwed mother and left a 2 month old baby boy behind, who was also in the accident and had received a skull fracture. I remember getting angry with God too. All sorts of questions would go through my mind--why did this have to happen to her? Why did this have to happen to me? Why do I have to go through this? Why do my other children have to go through this? Why does her son have to go through life without a mother? And as the years have gone by, a lot of "what if" questions go through my mind. What if she was still alive? How many children would she have? What would she be doing?--and so on. For me, I never lost my faith in God. I always knew there was a God. I have experienced a lot of deaths of family members before losing my daughter, and in that area of faith, believing in God, I was blessed. But, I still questioned. And I have gotten angry with God. And, I don't know, but I was finally able to get to the point that when I would think Why me?, I could finally say Why not me? Intellectually, I knew there was death and sorrow in the world. But, when it hit me personally, I feel I didn't deal with it as well as I could have. I feel guilty about my anger with God. I do know that one of the steps of grief that people go through is anger. So maybe I can give myself some slack and forgive myself.

Even though we know we will see our loved ones again, it doesn't take away the grief and sorrow of losing them. Simply put, we miss them. I miss my daughter every day. I don't think that will ever go away. And, I also know she would not want me to be so overcome with grief that I can not find joy in everyday life. She would not want that for me. She wants me to find happiness in life, and get on with my life--easier said than done, right? So, I know nothing I say can help bring your children back, but, you will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Forgive your ward members and bishop. They are only human and make mistakes. I know the Lord loves you and your family. He is so mindful of what you have gone through. He wants you to find joy in your life, and He wants you to come back into full fellowship. Allow the Savior to atone for your mistakes. He loves you. I can't put myself exactly in your shoes (who can), but I care about you too! Bless you.

[Nanawolfe]

I have PTSD also tied to the loss of children. Almost 30 years ago someone made a wrong comment at the wrong time and I walked out of the church and didn't come back for over 25 years. 3 years ago I reactivated, I was enjoying being a part of my ward and serving the Lord. Six months ago the dam of repressed memories burst and I was in probably the worst shape I'd been in since the actual Trauma.

I was so shut down that I could hardly force myself to go to church and I no longer felt safe. I couldn't find firm ground to stand on. I could not pray or read my scriptures (it wasn't that I didn't want to I felt so shattered that I physically and emotionally was incapable of performing the tasks. I felt dead inside and so cut off from the world that I couldn't connect with anyone or anything.

It was finally so painful that I lay in bed one night and just ranted at God. I told him he had promised not to give me anything I couldn't handle that my trials were to be for my good. I cried out that he was pushing the edge of the envelope and it was more than I could handle to have to relive the entire trauma over again. I was just waiting for the lightning strike. I knew if I didn't find relief I would have to leave the church again, and I didn't want to this time.

What I got in return was an absolute witness of just how deeply and profoundly we are loved. He knows us, our pain and he grieves with us and for us. And I know that if we will let him he can and will heal our wounds.

Momof7-2nheaven, I know that the PTSD makes everyday just short of a living hell. It cuts us off from ourselves, our Savior and the world around us. No one but another person going through it can comprehend how painful life can be trying to come out the other side. Please don't give up. It took me a very long time to find the right counselor who could help me through the healing process.

My life will forever be colored by the trauma and the fall out from the trauma. But today I find some measure of contentment and peace most days.

I hope that my ramblings can be of some help to you. Maybe - just maybe - give you a little hope. You and Yours are in my prayers. Take care of you!

[Forget-Me-Not]

I have only seen LDS counselors. Most do not know how to approach my loss. One very good LDS counselor did 2 6 week treatments of EMDR. which helped so much, before I could not even drive now i take my kids to school on the same route in which my son died at the same time every morning. I struggle through each day. i am still using an LDS counselor. None of these counselors were through LDS social services, every counselor I tried there was inept. I do go to church, once in a while I will pray, but you have to understand that if there is a God, I am so angry at him that it is hard to go to him with my sadness. He knows how it feels to lose a Son right? He has taken two of mine......They are not with me and as long as I am here on this earth I will miss them, as will my other children.

Oh my Dear. You have so much to heal from. Do not force demands or expectations on yourself, but do what you are able. Do not give up, either. Healing is sometimes very slow, sometimes so slow, that there is no perception of it occurring at all.

Just as we are often physically numb and have a sense of deadness after nerves are damaged in an injury, and often long, long, after the wound itself has healed, so too can we suffer with a sense of numbness and deadness emotionally for a long time.

Give yourself the time to heal. And please, God knows what you're feeling in your mind and heart, so just talk to Him, tell Him of your pain, your anger, your sorrow, your grief. He is your Father and He aches for you, I can assure you.

I can't know what it's like to lose children. I've never had the blessing of motherhood. But I've known what it's like to grieve, and be in such emotional pain that I literally thought I could not survive it, with it being that hard to bear, more than I felt I ever could.

You need to be as patient and kind and compassionate with yourself, in your need for time to heal, as you would be with others who are suffering. Here, I just wrote this earlier today, about how we should see others, but I hope you can look in the mirror and see you, and open your heart and have compassion for the woman you see, to allow her the time she needs to heal.

If we could see into the heart

We'd love instead of judge

We'd have compassion, tenderness

We'd carry not a grudge

If we could feel the depth of pain

That's hidden there within

We'd seek to cleanse and soothe the wound

So healing could begin