I'm Tired of Suicidal Thoughts

[Timpman]

I need a break, but I can't take one. It's so hard to get a vacation with this job. President Smith was went to San Francisco for months at a time due to his physical ailments and depression.

[Hala401]

Eight years ago I was nearly 25 years old. I was suicidal. I kept items in my car to complete suicide. I knew how and where, but not when. Then one day I was ready to do it. I was cold-hearted enough to leave my wife and two small children behind. But there is something else that saved me. My wife was pregnant and I wanted to meet the baby. I couldn't leave a pregnant woman behind. So I spent a few days in the psychiatric ward of a hospital.

Here I am now thinking the time is near. I don't want to be alive anymore. My wife sometimes asks "Are you suicidal?" It sounds accusatory and I lie to her. I have slowly broken her spirit. She used to be an angel to me, but someone can tolerate depression cycles for only so long.

The thing that stopped me when I was the lowest was I realized how abominably selfish my act would be. The last time I tried around 2007, I walked onto a busy expressway in the dark and heavy rain. I was wearing black Muslim Abaya and Hijab, so must have been almost invisible. I turned my back on traffic and walked into the street and as the cars bore down on me, my shadow grew more distinct, the car that would end it grew louder, and I knew that in seconds it would be over for me.

Just a second before impact, HE said to me, "And what of the feelings of the driver that kills you?" In micro seconds I realized that I did not wish to hurt the driver, that I had to live. Somehow, the car missed me, and I walked out of traffic.

Life did not get better after that, but I knew that I could not kill myself because of how I would wound others. I realised that I could not be so profoundly selfish, and that to do so would be asinine. I can not tell you comforting things; give you much sympathy, and certainly no one was around to give me sympathy, though I did start to cooperate with those whose purpose was to save human life.

It is like Heavenly Father, even when I felt despicable, placed a lock on my actions.

Now, Heavenly Father has placed me with people who are loving to me, and someday perhaps I will feel worthy. For me now it is unspeakable joy.

[Hala401]

I need a break, but I can't take one. It's so hard to get a vacation with this job. President Smith was went to San Francisco for months at a time due to his physical ailments and depression.

You could maybe quit job?

[FunkyTown]

It sounds like you have depression in cycles.

Get help. Get medicated.

That might sound like it's flippant. It isn't. I want to tell you a story.

I suffer from panic attacks. Bad ones. Full on, heart racing, mind-numbing terror. The average one lasts 5 minutes for most people. Mine has hit for over eight hours a few times. Usually just as I fall asleep. Apparently, when your defences go down you're far more likely to get hit by 'em. I'm pretty good at hiding them, to the point that I can just become very quiet and people don't realize I'm having them. My wife says my ability to overcome it and act normal makes me the bravest person she knows.

I tried to power through it. Did so for years. Then, last month, something awesome happened. I went ot the doctors because I had an irregular heartbeat. ECG said everything was fine. I told her about the anxiety. I got a little pill called Propranolol.

It. Is. Awesome. No real side effects. It just cuts off my adrenaline and it's a beta blocker. I still face fear, but it doesn't matter any more because that magical little pill will kick in. Why my adrenaline would constantly spike, I have no idea, but it caused a fight or flight reaction that I ruthlessly shunted down and controlled.

And this wonderful stuff lets me be me. I just feel good, now. Normal.

Get it done. In your mind, you're thinking all sorts of things - Justifying why you feel sad. Don't. Get help. You'll be happy, your wife will be happy, your kids will be happy.

[Hala401]

I understand your panic attacks, I think.

I am just becoming aware that faced with a socially threatening situation, I sometimes sort of shut down, maybe even disassociate and now I'm being very mindful about it. The thing that really brought me out of denial is the other day I went to Temple for baptisims, and as I went into the atrium to wait to be called, had full blown asthma attack; the worst in years. The medications did work and sitting still helped much also. It was wake up moment for me, having not previously understood how fearful I was.

In my old job, when things got really stressful, I had to just turn it off and do the job no matter how I felt.

[Timpman]

It sounds like you have depression in cycles.

Get help. Get medicated.

I've visited various family doctors, nurse practitioners, psychologists, therapists, and psychiatrists since I was 16 years old. I have been on at least 10 different medications. I have been on Effexor since I went to the hospital 8 years ago and I hate it.

I need something like shock therapy.

[Timpman]

You could maybe quit job?

That would fix me up, I think. But it would sink our family finances.

[Yehshen]

Are you active in your church? Is there anyone there you feel comfortable talking to?

[Timpman]

Maybe I can get off Effexor with the help of something like Propranolol. Do you take it daily or only when needed?

A couple years ago, I had a glorious experience in the temple. That was possible because I had quit taking Effexor. Yes, it actually removes me from the influence of the Spirit. Anxiety got to me and I started taking Effexor again. I'm a freak without it.

[Vort]

Timpman, I have little wisdom to offer you. I would implore you not to succumb to the inclination to do yourself harm. We do not understand how intertwined we are with everyone around us, and I am sure you do not know how much harm you would do to yourself and those you love -- for generations, perhaps -- if you were to do such a thing. I don't understand why you feel as you do. Maybe it's chemical. Maybe it's how you were raised or some awful experiences in your life. Heck, I don't know, maybe it's demonic possession. But whatever the cause, I do feel sure that self-harm is not a solution to the problem.

Have you spoken with your bishop about this? If not, that might be a fine place to start.

[Klein_Helmer]

I hope this is not the wrong place to put this thread. Almost every morning I think "I don't want to be alive anymore" or "I want to do die." Nearly every day I think about suicide. I am also saddened by the following:

The Rock of Our Redeemer - general-conference

That "MOST of us" part gets to me. I believe I am not included there. For me, sadness and fear do not melt away to be replaced with happiness and peace when I trust in the Lord. That's a bummer.

There is no imminent danger, here. Don't call the police or anyone else. I am just looking for some hope.

Best wishes, brother.

My thoughts are with you.

[Timpman]

We do not understand how intertwined we are with everyone around us, and I am sure you do not know how much harm you would do to yourself and those you love -- for generations, perhaps -- if you were to do such a thing.

I understand to a good extent, which is why I'm still alive.

[Timpman]

Are you active in your church? Is there anyone there you feel comfortable talking to?

Yes, I am active. No, I don't feel there is anyone who can help. My bishop is great and a good man, but he doesn't understand this. I told him about it once. But I probably didn't explain to him how serious it is.

[Hala401]

I don't know what your job is, Fireman, Doctor, Dentist, Electrician or what ever. I understand that Dentists have a high suicide rate because they are Artists, and the people who are the recipients of their art are often just slobs.

Not to seek sympathy, but so you know that you are not alone. I was absolutely suicidal from about 2003 to 2007, and was in the hospital 5 times.

In retrospect, I can not see that it was likely due to an extremely abusive childhood, and later an abusive marriage, and finally a career that was just beyond my tolerance for stress. The end came for me after 9/11 and seeing all the mischief the government got up to. I was working for a small city then and I can see that America was in great danger then, not from Muslims but from evil, power hungry men right here in America.

In childhood, he threatened to kill me several times, and showed me he was serious by beating me unconscious a few times. In my marriage, I did everything I could to keep everyone happy and if I failed, I felt at fault. I worked as an Electrician in Industry for over 30 years, and was very afraid of Electricity. Some say that the fear keeps us alive, but looking back, I can now see that doing that job was way too much stress for me; often telling Jesus that I had tried as hard as I could and then cutting my feelings off and doing the job, often in live electrical panels.

Going to Honduras, and Kenya in the hope of making a better world really showed me how helpless and insignificant I am without Heavenly Father guiding my every step.

And I can now say that having lived for so many years in a constant state of tension that sometimes turned to terror, I most certainly expected to feel the blessings that now surround me today. But, I first had to learn that I am not God, and most certainly do not even come close.

Does Heavenly Father want you to give up and take a look at what is important to him? I know about the stresses of trying to pay for a big house, 3 televisions, 2.3 children and more cars than we can drive.

Now days, I own an old car, and everything I own will fit in the back seat, I rent a room in a house and I write when I have time, have time to help others, and I'm a Mormon. These are the best days of my life!

[Klein_Helmer]

I don't know what your job is, Fireman, Doctor, Dentist, Electrician or what ever. I understand that Dentists have a high suicide rate because they are Artists, and the people who are the recipients of their art are often just slobs.

Not to seek sympathy, but so you know that you are not alone. I was absolutely suicidal from about 2003 to 2007, and was in the hospital 5 times.

In retrospect, I can not see that it was likely due to an extremely abusive childhood, and later an abusive marriage, and finally a career that was just beyond my tolerance for stress. The end came for me after 9/11 and seeing all the mischief the government got up to. I was working for a small city then and I can see that America was in great danger then, not from Muslims but from evil, power hungry men right here in America.

In childhood, he threatened to kill me several times, and showed me he was serious by beating me unconscious a few times. In my marriage, I did everything I could to keep everyone happy and if I failed, I felt at fault. I worked as an Electrician in Industry for over 30 years, and was very afraid of Electricity. Some say that the fear keeps us alive, but looking back, I can now see that doing that job was way too much stress for me; often telling Jesus that I had tried as hard as I could and then cutting my feelings off and doing the job, often in live electrical panels.

Going to Honduras, and Kenya in the hope of making a better world really showed me how helpless and insignificant I am without Heavenly Father guiding my every step.

And I can now say that having lived for so many years in a constant state of tension that sometimes turned to terror, I most certainly expected to feel the blessings that now surround me today. But, I first had to learn that I am not God, and most certainly do not even come close.

Does Heavenly Father want you to give up and take a look at what is important to him? I know about the stresses of trying to pay for a big house, 3 televisions, 2.3 children and more cars than we can drive.

Now days, I own an old car, and everything I own will fit in the back seat, I rent a room in a house and I write when I have time, have time to help others, and I'm a Mormon. These are the best days of my life!

A few questions:

Why are dentists specifically worthy of the designation, "artists"?

Why is it you believe the recipients of dental work are, "often just slobs"?

Also, please speak more on these statements: "The end came for me after 9/11 and seeing all the mischief the government got up to... I can see that America was in great danger then, not from Muslims but from evil, power hungry men right here in America."

What has instilled in you the notion that this country was not at risk from Muslims, after Muslim extremists attacked the United States? What mischief do you imagine the US government was up to, and who were/are these, "evil, power hunger, American men," and what danger did/do they pose to the citizenry?

Edited April 16, 2012 by Klein_Helmer

[Klein_Helmer]

[Guest]

Klein, these are great questions you bring up, but let's keep it off this thread and start a new one.

I believe this thread is serious enough not to complicate it. Yes?

Timpman, I kinda know what you're going through. I am manic/depressive with a giant aggression issue. Not only do I struggle with self-harm, I also struggle with not harming somebody else. I decided to go unmedicated. I have noticed that medications may solve one problem but then cause another to crop up. Which is probably what you're going through with the Effexor. I'm not against medication per se, I just didn't want to rely on it to survive.

Anyway, I attribute my healing (no, I'm not healed, I'm just dealing with it better now) to my husband. He is my helpmeet. Before, I struggled with it by myself. My parents don't really understand it. My husband, though, he's been great at joining me in the struggle against it. He doesn't understand it either - he knows I have a problem, he just doesn't know why or how or what it really is - but what he does is stand by my side strong enough to rise above it and makes sure I don't do anything to harm myself or others. So, I control it, not only for me, but for him and my children, especially for him. I will do anything for him. Anything. So, the struggle continues but my goal is clear - love my husband. That's it.

I don't know if there's anything in my story you can use. But, at least you know you're not alone here.

[Klein_Helmer]

Klein, these are great questions you bring up, but let's keep it off this thread and start a new one.

I believe this thread is serious enough not to complicate it. Yes?

Fair enough, spoil sport.

[Hala401]

Why are dentists specifically worthy of the designation, "artists"?

Why is it you believe the recipients of dental work are, "often just slobs"?

If you could see the art work that my dentist has made for my own mouth and how much of a slob I am you'd know.

Also, please speak more on these statements: "The end came for me after 9/11 and seeing all the mischief the government got up to... I can see that America was in great danger then, not from Muslims but from evil, power hungry men right here in America."

In the first place, the idea that the terrorists were considered to be Muslims by Muslims shows the ignorance of some Americans. If you do good solid research you can find this out. It is self evident.

What mischief do you imagine the US government was up to, and who were/are these, "evil, power hunger, American men," and what danger did/do they pose to the citizenry?

Again, just good solid research done in libraries and, universities, exploring the public record is much more effective than relying on "Fox News", and those in the local pub who seem to grow more intelligent with each pint of "Hair of the Dog".

[Klein_Helmer]

Why are dentists specifically worthy of the designation, "artists"?

Why is it you believe the recipients of dental work are, "often just slobs"?

If you could see the art work that my dentist has made for my own mouth and how much of a slob I am you'd know.

Fair enough on the first count, although you would do well not paint with such broad strokes on the second. Your evaluation of yourself as slovenly has no bearing on the recipients of dental work as a group.

Also, please speak more on these statements: "The end came for me after 9/11 and seeing all the mischief the government got up to... I can see that America was in great danger then, not from Muslims but from evil, power hungry men right here in America."

In the first place, the idea that the terrorists were considered to be Muslims by Muslims shows the ignorance of some Americans. If you do good solid research you can find this out. It is self evident.

Is your contention that the individuals responsible for the attacks on the United States on September 11 were not Muslims?

If so, bring to light this, "good solid research," that would validate such a claim.

What mischief do you imagine the US government was up to, and who were/are these, "evil, power hunger, American men," and what danger did/do they pose to the citizenry?

Again, just good solid research done in libraries and, universities, exploring the public record is much more effective than relying on "Fox News", and those in the local pub who seem to grow more intelligent with each pint of "Hair of the Dog".

Are you suggesting I get my news from Fox and drunks at the bar? It seems like you are projecting.

It is said that extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence. I am looking for information, not insults. If you indeed are privy to, "good solid research done in libraries and universities," that would implicate the United States government in treasonous mischief, or establish the ill will of, "evil power hunger, American men" toward the citizenry, I am desirous of seeing it.

Edited April 16, 2012 by Klein_Helmer

[pam]

Please get back to topic. Off topic comments will be deleted.

Anatess is correct. This topic is serious enough without going off on tangents.

[Klein_Helmer]

Please get back to topic. Off topic comments will be deleted.

As you wish.

Hala401, I feel we have crossed into some interesting territory. Would you do me the courtesy of continuing our conversation in another thread? I would be happy to create it.

[Hala401]

As you wish.

Hala401, I feel we have crossed into some interesting territory. Would you do me the courtesy of continuing our conversation in another thread? I would be happy to create it.

This is old business for me. I do not wish to discuss it any more. I was only trying to show the original poster the progression of depressive thought.

[Timpman]

Does Heavenly Father want you to give up and take a look at what is important to him? I know about the stresses of trying to pay for a big house, 3 televisions, 2.3 children and more cars than we can drive.

Now days, I own an old car, and everything I own will fit in the back seat, I rent a room in a house and I write when I have time, have time to help others, and I'm a Mormon. These are the best days of my life!

I must confess that I wish I had a simpler life, but I am married and we have for children. We don't have car payments, though, and our mortgage is moderate. There are many stresses still. I wish I could take a break. I think that if I get a week off from work for mental health issues, then my manager will be far less likely to recommend me for a promotion I am shooting for. I probably couldn't the handle the promotion anyway....

[skippy740]

Timpman,

I want to ask a question with professional sincerity: Do you have life insurance?

The reason I ask is because most policies will not pay out a benefit for the first two years due to suicide. If you bought it recently, it would not provide for your family.

While your children would end up growing up without a father... at least they would know that you cared enough to provide financial support should you carry out on your thoughts (which I'm not advocating).