Hate dating - very resentful

[lehi1902]

I'm a convert to the church currently going to BYU. Been in the church for 6 years, served a mission and all. Good student, 3.85 GPA, work hard.

But there is one thing: I hate dating.

My friends joke and say it is funny I'm still single, since I am the most faithful friend they've ever had -- hence, they say, I will be the best husband in the world. But it doesn't matter in how many dates I go, it never works. I just spend my money, girls just waste their time. After the first date, the girls who I generally liked won't show any interest. They might go on another date, but it is clear they are not interested. As of the few girls who show any interest, I'm generally not interested in them.

I feel like I'm a failure in dating. All my buddies are married. I feel like I will never get married. And this makes me very resentful. I look at my friends - they were born in the Church, had a great life growing up, asked ONE GIRL on a date, and that was it. Married to awesome, super-cute girls. All my friends married the only girl they ever dated. I've been on dozens of dates and have not found the one - or if I think I did, they didn't think the same.

And I become very frustrated and resentful. I feel like I've had enough trials in my life. I know it is a retarded thought, but I can't control it yet. And this resentment brings me terrible days.

I need to get better at dating, I think. But I don't know how. You married people, any advice on dating? Any advice on how not to get frustrated?

Thanks.

[Guest]

My first question is regarding this:

As of the few girls who show any interest, I'm generally not interested in them.

Why not?

What is it that you are looking for?

[jb789]

I can't give advice from a married perspective, I'm a single returned missionary so am somewhat in the same boat as yourself. However, for your question about how not to get frustrated, I've found that for myself, frustration stems from wanting certain outcomes to happen that are largely out of our control. It is difficult to do, but if you can learn to enjoy the process, and not be attached to the goal or outcome, this will greatly reduce frustration in your life.

Eastern philosophy states that desires (meaning wanting things our way) is a great obstacle to personal peace. I've found that by being more open to how life unfolds, and not having preconceived notions of how I'd like it to be, greatly reduces frustration. For dating, this may mean simply accepting you may be married later than your friends, and to not see this as any less desirable than getting married now, will help reduce your frustration.

P.S. I actually graduated from BYU without marrying, this was a cause of great disappointment to me, as I really wanted it to happen. Only when I really investigated the cause of my frustration did I come to see it was due to my attachment to this goal, and seeing it as something that had to happen at that point in time.

[Vort]

I need to get better at dating, I think. But I don't know how. You married people, any advice on dating? Any advice on how not to get frustrated?

Dating is supposed to be fun. You're turning it into a burdensome obligation.

To quote President Uchtdorf's heavily overused (and misused) quotation: Stop it.

Don't go on a date with the idea that you're looking for The One®. Don't imagine that you're on a search for your Eternal Companion or any such thing. Don't think it's your obligation to show the girl the time of her life.

You're having fun with a friend. So have fun. And if there's a spark that grows into something more...awesome.

[lehi1902]

Thanks for your replies.

Eowyn, I don't really know. But generally, girls that match my personality are not interested in me. Girls that I don't connect with are. As for looks, I used to be vain, but now I'm just looking for someone whose company I greatly enjoy.

jb789, you're right. My mission president just put this in my mind - that if I set a goal and work hard, I will reach that goal. This is so impregnated in my mind now... and it brings so much frustration. Like you said, there are things I can't control. I should pay more attention to that.

[lehi1902]

You're right, but I don't know how to do that. I've tried it. The problem is... dating IS expensive. I can't afford to go on dates "for fun". If I go on a date, it is because I am interested in that specific girl. If I want to have fun, I will just call some friends and have them over to do something. I know I take dating too seriously, but I don't know how to do it differently.

[Vort]

You're right, but I don't know how to do that. I've tried it. The problem is... dating IS expensive. I can't afford to go on dates "for fun". If I go on a date, it is because I am interested in that specific girl. If I want to have fun, I will just call some friends and have them over to do something. I know I take dating too seriously, but I don't know how to do it differently.

Not sure exactly what "too expensive" means, but my sense is that if dating is too expensive, you're doing it wrong. The weather is getting nice and picnics cost next to nothing. How much is a hike up Y Mountain? Or the north side of Timp -- a great hike, by the way? BYU's campus is as beautiful as any I've ever seen, and I've seen several. How about a walk around campus while you talk about a mutual interest?

Girls are simply awesome. Being around one, talking with her, and smelling her is reward in and of itself for a young man. If you're a pleasant person and a good conversationalist, odds are she might feel the same about you. (Take a shower and use deodorant for the "smell" part, though.) Spend at least twice as much time finding out about her and talking about her interests as you do your own. Most young men are not nearly as fascinating as they suppose, and girls always, always, always like to feel like their dates take an interest in them.

Seriously, dating is fun. Just follow that maxim.

[beefche]

Cheap dates I've enjoyed:

Going for a motorcycle ride up the canyon.

Playing in the Science Museum at BYU.

Watching the sun set in the canyon.

Going to a fireside or other lecture.

Watching a movie at home with popcorn.

Going to a temple session.

Going to a basketball game (high school game to watch my best friend's son play).

Going for a walk in the park.

[Dravin]

You left out:

Went to go watch the sun set from the top of Lake Mountain and had your date take a wrong turn and get the truck stuck and thus had to spend the night in a canyon and walk out in the morning.

Edited April 12, 2012 by Dravin

[Guest]

Dravin, you mean "Got stuck"?

[Vort]

Dravin, you mean "Got stuck"?

"...had your date...get the truck stuck..."

[Dravin]

Nope, I think the tense is correct as is.

Edited April 11, 2012 by Dravin

[Guest]

Just yanking your chain a little.

[applepansy]

You left out:

Went to go watch the sun set from the top of Lake Mountain and had your date take a wrong turn and get the truck stuck and thus had to spend the night in a canyon and walk out in the morning.

;0

my mind is wondering if the wrong turn was an accident. :) (I added the wink cuz my ditzy brain forgot the first time)

lehi1902, I agree with the just have fun. If you'd call a few friends over to have fun then call a girl instead. Girls like inexpensive fun. And smart girls will see inexpensive fun as a good quality in a future husband.

Edited April 12, 2012 by applepansy

[lehi1902]

Thanks for all your comments. This helped me.

[beefche]

Lehi, I do understand what you seem to be expressing here. I graduated from BYU as an unmarried female. I was constantly teased that I had "flunked" out of BYU since I didn't get my MRS degree. I was single through my 20's and 30's--watching my friends get married and begin their families. It is really, really tough to be single in this church. You don't want to be a downer when your friend tells you he/she is engaged or now that they've married they are having a child, but all you want to do is spit that you aren't sharing in those joys.

You can be happy and single in this church. I know because I've been there. You will have bitter moments, but don't allow those to take over you. Focus on the good and joys of your life now.

All I can say is to enjoy the time you are in now. Don't rush things. Enjoy the dating as a way to get to know women and yourself--what you like, don't like, want, don't want, handle, can't handle, etc. Don't be afraid to get out of your comfort zone. Date girls that have the standards and values you are looking for--even if you think they aren't "your type".

[Guest]

Lehi, I didn't "date" to find The One. I had a jillion friends. You want to get to know me better? Be my friend. I was friends with my husband for almost 2 years when he asked me to go on a "date" with him - he took me to his Church. That was our first "date". He asked me to marry him a few days later and we got married a week after that. We've been married 14 years.

Dating to me is useless drivel. You put yourself on your best behavior, put on make-up and uncomfortable high-heels to impress somebody and at the end of the day you walk away not knowing one iota of what is important to know about the guy and then you do it again the next week. If you just don't even bother calling it a date, you just go call somebody you know, or somebody you are interested to know and, as friends, go do something friends do, you'll see the "true person" a lot faster and a lot deeper.

Things my husband and I and our gaggle of friends did when we were just friends - taught a family of Bosnian refugees how to speak English by taking them to see movies - DVD or theater or drive-ins... man, those were fun times. Bosnians can PARTY... and you don't even have to speak the same language to enjoy it. Until now - 14 years of marriage later - my husband and I still watch movies every week, it just kinda became tradition! LOL. We went to the beach a lot - man, one of my friends lived 2 hours away from me and he would show up in my apartment at 6AM and drag me and my friends to the beach (I live 15 minutes away from the ocean). We would surf until 8AM and I'd rush home to shower and change and get to work by 9AM. My friend would drive the 2 hours back to his town to get to work by 10AM! Those were super fun too. Another friend of ours worked at the video game arcade and we would go help him pass the time by hanging out at the arcade. We'd run out of tokens in the first 15 minutes so we'd just end up watching everybody else play and just hang out.

Man, we did lots of stuff - sometimes just plain fun, sometimes helping somebody in trouble, sometimes doing stupid stuff that gets us in trouble - but after almost 2 years of this, I knew my husband inside and out and upside down and he knew me just as much. When he asked me to marry him, I said yes immediately.

Edited April 12, 2012 by anatess

[mrmarklin]

Forget dating while you are in college. It's a total waste of your valuable time becausee there is really no valid basis of comparison between you and all the other schlubs out there. You're all students.

Graduate, get rich.

Then you won't have any problem dating girls. They will find you.

It's a known fact that a girl's interest in a guy is in direct proportion to the size of his wallet.

Edited April 12, 2012 by mrmarklin

[Guest]

Forget dating while you are in college. It's a total waste of your valuable time becausee there is really no valid basis of comparison between you and all the other schlubs out there. You're all students.

Graduate, get rich.

Then you won't have any problem dating girls. They will find you.

It's a known fact that a girl's interest in a guy is in direct proportion to the size of his wallet.

Aww, man! I know you're being funny, but I have to disagree. Yes, there's a psychological thing about girls and guys with big wallets. Women instinctively seek security and protection. It's imprinted in our DNA.

But, lots of girls generally look for security and protection in more ways than just financial... these girls usually don't need much material wealth to be happy. Security and protection for them are found in things like - a guy who doesn't have credit card debt, must mean he knows how to manage money, no matter how small. A guy who takes care of his health and free of bad vices (like smoking, drinking alcohol, etc.) so they don't croak on their family or leave them penniless with all the money going to medical bills...

And then there's lots of girls who could care less if the guy is a drug addict as long as he drives a lamborghini... these girls usually can spend that money from 0 to 60 in 3 seconds flat and would require lots more to keep them happy.

So yeah, what I'm trying to say is - be careful how you make yourself attractive to women because what makes a girl attracted to you has a lot to do with what they're looking for in a man... a very telling aspect of their character.

[FunkyTown]

Dating advice:

First of all, I'm going to take a few guesses based on what you've said.

You're the type of person who sees someone, thinks "Wow! She's cute, funny and spiritual." and get huge crushes on them. You pine for them, desperately wishing that they would notice you in the same way they were noticed themselves by you.

Stop it. This is a disease in the dating world. It comes off as creepy and leaves you in the 'Friend zone' for a very long time. You become like a lost puppy. Girls will say you're the perfect person to date their sister or best friend, but not good to date them.

This is because we only date people we respect. It's subconscious. We can't choose who we're attracted to, we can only choose what we do about it.

Secondly, I'm willing to bet you're the perfect gentleman. You're kind, you open doors and you respect women. You see what you perceive as 'Jerks' getting women and wonder why it's not you. Am I close?

There's a reason for this and it has nothing to do with being a jerk. It has to do with confidence. Jerks have 'pretend confidence'. They don't care what a woman thinks, so they seem to be confident. This all falls to pieces when they actually see someone they respect as they'll change. You're probably giving off vibes that show lack of confidence whether you know it or not and these subconscious things will steal your dating thunder. Confidence is the ultimate turn on.

Thirdly, attraction is a skill. You can choose to learn to be more attractive. Most people feel a bit insulted by the prospect of having to learn that. They think it's an insult. This is untrue. You had to learn to walk, you had to learn to ride a bike. Interacting with the opposite sex is the same thing. The fact that you've admitted you need help puts you a huge leap ahead of the competition. You can become attractive to women, you just need to understand what attraction is.

I firmly believe any man can attract any woman and any woman can attract any man. They just need to know what to look for. Don't believe me? I bet you've seen men get women you think are way better than them and women with guys you think are way too good for them.

[Dravin]

;0

my mind is wondering if the wrong turn was an accident. :) (I added the wink cuz my ditzy brain forgot the first time)

Trust me, if it had been planned:

'Lost': Yes.

Stuck: No!

[MarginOfError]

The best advice I can give can be pulled from the following sentence:

I wasn't ready to get married until I had reached the conclusion that I would live a happy life if I never got married.

[SoCal_Counselor]

Lehi1902,

I think I experienced something similar when I was off my mission and trying to date. I would date different girls that I would be interested in, yet they would not be interested in me. The girls that were interested in me weren't really what I was looking forward. I liked dating, but didn't like the heart ache that came with having to ask girls out, being rejected, them not being interested in me, etc.

I made a committment to myself that I would try and get out on at least four dates a month (close to every week). I think I went on dates with at least 25 different girls before meeting my wife. I am not saying that you have to date 25 different girls before finding the one, I just think it takes time.

I would suggest getting involved in different situations where you can meet different girls. If you have been at your apartment complex for a while, try something different. If you typically eat lunch on the south side of campus, change it up and eat at the north side. Spend more time with different friends. Allow others to set you up on "blind" double dates. The best advice though is to not give up. Be persistant.

[Dravin]

I know when people use the phrase "the one" they aren't necessarily bringing up the concept of soul mates and love at first sight but it's brought the concept to mind. So to actually comment something a bit more on topic than I have so far:

"The one" should probably better be rendered "a one". We don't get along equally well with everyone, and not everyone meets the criteria we are looking for in a spouse. So I'm not about to suggest you just grab some random person, but there isn't just one person out there with whom we can have a good marriage. And while one can usually figure out if someone isn't one of the ones fairly quickly it can take longer to conclude that someone is somebody we can be happy and compatible with. Don't let yourself fall into the trap of thinking that when you encounter someone out there you can have a happy and healthy marriage that there will be doves, rainbows, and orchestral music at first sight to indicate they are "the one".

Obviously if the girl isn't interested in you that's pretty much a deal killer, but if you do find a girl who is interested in you but you aren't sure if you are interested in her realize it may take some time for you to really realize if the potential is there or not. For a time I had this false idea that we had to like all the same kinds of things, the same music, the same movies, the same pretty much everything, while you need to have common ground to form friendships (which will be the building block of a marriage) don't, and I'm not saying you necessarily are, be so quick to write off a girl as not your type because you like rock and roll, Clive Cussler, and Star Trek, and she likes country, Shakespeare, and Star Wars. I realize you don't want to give a false impression of serious interest to someone when it just isn't t here, but a date is not a commitment to a relationship.

Edited April 12, 2012 by Dravin