Punography

[slamjet]

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

PMS jokes aren't funny; period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

We’re going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

Velcro — what a rip off!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.

[Vort]

My wife put aluminum foil in my hamburger. It really hurt my fillings.

[log2]

Where's the "groan" button?

[jerome1232]

Edited May 3, 2012 by jerome1232

[HEthePrimate]

Thank you, slamjet! I needed a good laugh! :)

[pam]

As slamjet would say. Oh.my.word

[Guest wenziga]

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212-537-6915

36 Central Park South #603, New York, NY 10002

[log2]

I was thinking about making a compilation of Narcocorridos tunes for commuting, and titling it "Music to drive-by".

[Guest]

You have made me so happy. These kinds of jokes are my favorite.

[skippy740]

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Kraft mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise and eagerly awaited its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

[slamjet]

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Kraft mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise and eagerly awaited its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

Wow, that's a long way to go for a *GROAN!*

[RipplecutBuddha]

Wow, that's a long way to go for a *GROAN!*

I got a better one, saw it live at the Boston Pops Orchestra, enjoy.

The Stradivarius violin is of course one of the most treasured in the world. The sounds that come from these legendary hand-crafted instruments are revered by musical enthusiasts around the world.

Sadly, examples have been more and more rare to find, and some of them have not weathered the test of time very well. One example is that the piece of wood at the end of the neck that holds the tuning pegs can have a large effect on the sound of the instrument. The name of that piece is called the scroll, due to its curled shape on classically designed violins.

Some Stradivarius violins have been found with damaged scrolls. The result is that the instrument cannot be tuned properly, and can even render the instrument unplayable. Recently, however, one of the oldest violin makers still producing hand-crafted violins has begun making replacement parts for the Stradivarius, and replacement scrolls have been made as part of this effort.

The process has been very painstakinly slow due to the need for exactly the right wood from the best part of the tree. Every effort has been made to replicate these parts as best as possible. However there has been a problem. With five known Stradivarius violins having had their scrolls replaced, there has been a noted efffect. In almost every way, the new scrolls have been perfect, with one exception. For some unknown reason, whenever a natural C is played, the tone of the instrument completely changes and the note comes out dull and somewhat weak. It took a large amount of detective work to isolate the scroll as the culprit, as well as a great deal of time.

As a result the replacement parts have recieved notoriety for the dull sound they have caused. Already they're being called "The Dead C Scrolls".

[Traveler]

If for an investment you gather 25 female pigs and 25 male deer into a pen - what do you end up with?

50 sows and bucks.

and for all my LDS friends: At the end of the year Jack Frost goes around and paints all the leaves on trees bright colors and causes them to finely fall of the trees - who is responsible for putting the leaves back on the trees in the spring?

The Relief Society

The Traveler

[RipplecutBuddha]

Orchestras are no longer permitted on television. Too much sax and violins.....