What would your spouse say if you did this?

[bcguy]

Every relationship is always a little different. Some are harmonious, some are contentious which some times, causes splits or butting heads. I am going to put some scenarios out in this thread that come about in this form, and see what others say, before I add my own? I want to see what others say, then add my own. If you have a scenario, you can add it.

Wife cooks fish in the set it and forget it. Hours latter, it is in the open. Husband ask if she is going to put it away and she says yes. In the morning, it is still in the open stinking up the kitchen. Husband removed it "some stuck to the wire basket" from the machine, then puts it in the frig. Unknown to husband, it should have been ALL removed because it is measured for diet reasons. The wife discovers this and says _____ fill in the blank.

[Guest]

and says, "Don't you think visiting a good marriage counselor would be more productive than trashing me on the Internet?"

[Vort]

"You put the fish away? I must have you! NOW!"

[pam]

And says...Could you speak English please I don't understand you. Cooks fish in the set and forget it? Hours latter it is in the open?

I just don't understand.

[annewandering]

hmm what is a set?

[pam]

And was open supposed to be oven? Except that he said open twice...so I'm really not sure.

[Guest]

My translation is that his wife made fish in some Ron Popeil- type cooker where you just put it in and walk away. Awhile after dinner she didn't put it away so he asked if she was going to (because he doesn't have legs?) and she said she would. When he got up in the morning it was still out so he put it in the fridge, and some was stuck in the basket (that I assume goes with this set-it-and-forget-it appliance thingie) (and you put fish away that sat out all night????) but she had something to say about that because it should have been put away in portions for her diet plan (great, she's trying to lose weight. You used to complain about that a lot. Maybe praise her instead of finding more fault elsewhere).

If that's any more clear. LOL

Look, bcg. We all make mistakes. This sounds like the type I make more often than I'd like because I can be kind of forgetful. Or I just have lots to take care of and keep track of with all of my various responsibilities. Thank goodness my husband is understanding and usually doesn't say anything about it. He used to get annoyed, but then he realized that letting little things go is better for our marriage than nit-picking. And that he makes little mistakes, too; just of a different sort than I make. We also try to have each other's backs, so if for instance he said he was going to put dinner away and forgot, I'd do it for him as soon as I noticed, and not make an issue of it. Unless it was fish that had been sitting out for hours or overnight, in which case I'd toss it because I don't want to kill my family.

[pam]

Thank you Eowyn. I don't know what I'd do without you. :)

Also my first thought was..any food left sitting out all night would have been tossed.

[bcguy]

My wife jumped on my case about it. I cannot exactly remember what she said. No, a marriage counselor will never help her she would be in complete denile just like her mom is with her Dad.

But, It would be really interesting to see how others deal with these little things in life. If a woman gets defensive because the husband said she should have put the fish in the fridge like she said she would..rather then jumping down his throught because he did put it away the next morning. Not all of the fish was picked from the set-it and forget it rotisserie wire basket because it stuck to it. I know it sounds kind of petty and I agree. If some one "anyone one for that fact" were to literately walk into our back yard and into our house at the time she was angry with me, her personally would change and you would not see this angry woman, but smiling and giggly one who would blow off this situation.

She can get very defensive very easily her mom is like this to. Genetics perhaps? I now ignore 60% of her anger issues, because its so petty most of the time.

Now, I may come up with other interesting things that happen, and see what your response would be.

[horax]

Sounds like a situation where you need to first decide if you are choosing the right battle at the right time.

I agree that if she said she'd put it away that she should have done it. However, if it were me, I'd HOPE that I'd be able to choose a bigger issue to take a stand on.

I've found that a lot of spouses (men and women) are apt to jump the gun about such things...I'm not talking about you here, but your wife, in that they think they need to be tough and prove themselves at every situation and do it by yelling and arguing.

It's sad, but I've just come to think that it's an issue that they need to work on themselves.

Work on yourself and your relationship with God and then she will have the space to work on her.

the trick is getting her to see she has something to work on.

[Windseeker]

A soft banswer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.

I've changed with how I handle things with my wife. I've been able to hug her with love and sincerety when she was trembling with rage and anger at me over something that (in my mind) was completly trivial. Since I've changed I've noticed that we fight less.

It starts with breaking the cycle of Villian, Victim and Hero.

Reading and applying this really made a difference.

http://www.garyharper.ca/Articles/ConflictDrama-VictimVillainHero.pdf

[bcguy]

The thing is she is usually the one who gets defensive or who thinks she is right. She has often said if you do not like it move out. Once I casually said, Well, once I gather up my things I can move out Monday. She said whaaaaa? in a causal tone. How many times has she said I should move to the states if I don't like it here? Today, I could care less :) I need to catch her on microphone known to her of what she says then play it back some time in the future.

I have rarely had any other woman in her life before me so not sure if this is the norm for men or woman making threats to there spouse to get what they want in there life.

She washed the garments yesterday. I saw the pile on dried garments on the bed but was to busy to fold them. Forgot about them until it was 12:30 am and needed to head off to bed. She crabbed if they are not folded and needed to be treated with respect instead of put on top of the dresser, she will goto the bishop and tell him and embarrass you. I said go a head..as if he cares. The saga continues.

[FunkyTown]

So... Your wife cooked something, then you put it away and missed some fish and she crabbed at you.

The way I see it, you have a few options available:

1) Get on the internet and passive-aggressively tear your wife down in front of strangers. This won't resolve the issue at hand, which is your clear lack of real communication with your wife, but it'll let you crab and blow off steam.

2) You can ignore her crabbing completely and just tune your wife out. That won't work out well, either.

3) You can take her criticism to heart and sob in to your pillow about how terrible a person she is.

4) You can pick a fight with your wife.

5) You can learn to communicate with her, which you clearly need to do.

Any of those five will allow a way to move forward. You just need to figure out which one is in the direction you want to move.

[annewandering]

I have to admit, from a temperamental kind of person viewpoint, that if my husband ignored me 60% of the times I was angry he would be lucky to be alive today. Now noticing that I am angry does NOT mean agreeing, kissing up etc. It just means he sees I am angry. Patronizing will get spouses zilch. You honestly think she doesnt noticed you have dismissed her anger as inconsequential. It might even explain WHY she is angry so often. Oh man and saying its probably genetic is not going to impress her either.

[Guest]

The therapy isn't just for her, bcguy. Actually, the fact that you immediately assume that she's the one who needs "fixed" tells me that you need it more. You two need to learn to communicate. You need to learn to hear and respect her. She probably needs to learn to trust you and communicate what she really needs from you. I'm basing this on numerous posts about her, where you speak to and of her with such disrespect that it's hard to believe you're still married at all. Saying that's "just the way our marriage is" or "just the way she is" is a cop-out. We're here to grow and change, and the marriage relationship is one of the most important things to work on in this life. Find a good counselor. Don't tell her it's to help her, tell her it's to help both of you be happier together.

[pam]

So is this thread just a venue to air all of your dirty laundry with your wife?

[Vort]

she's the one who needs "fixed"

You're not from Pennsylvania, are you, Eowyn?

[Guest]

Okay, okay... I'll answer your question. I know you're just venting so I'll treat it as such.

I am your wife. Yep. That's me. Yeah, you should talk to my husband because he is the expert now at how to deal with me. We've been married coming up on 15 years and still going strong and he has made me a better person. I mean - still bad, but better.

Okay, #1.

I'm your wife. I got fish in the set-it-and-forget-it. I told you not to touch it because I'll deal with it. Things went out of my control and I completely forgot the set-it-and-forget-it. C'mon the name itself lends for it to be forgotten completely.

So, the next morning I found the fish in the fridge. This is what goes through my head:

1.) @#$(*(*(@#)_@ I freaking crappy stupid @(#$*(@#$* forgot that stupid fish!!!! AAAARRRGGGG.

2.) And now my husband had to pick up where I failed. AAARRRRGGGG... (making me feel super duper mad at myself because now my husband must think I'm an idiot) --- by the way, in your case, it seems like you really do feel this way...

What goes out my mouth:

1.) "You stupid son of a gangster! You ruined my diet portions!" (note, that never went through my head earlier).

What this means - me, your wife, does not know how to deal with self-remorse, self-hate, failure. The only way I know how to diffuse this without taking a gun to my head (and yes, in my case, it gets THIS serious) is to blame somebody else... in this case, the easy target is YOU.

Now, of course, I know I'm being an idiot. I know this. Even if I don't admit it. So, when the neighbor comes through the door, I go completely super nice and smiley and awesome... because it's bad enough to have my husband think I'm an idiot, it's worse to have the neighbors think the same...

So, what my husband does:

If my husband is late for something -

1.) Sees the fish in the set-it-and-forget-it. Kitchen is getting stinky. Husband is in a hurry to get to work so he tells me - hey, looks like your day got too busy yesterday, want me to call Anthony (the cleaning company that comes to the house twice a month) to help you with the kitchen today?

If my husband is not late for anything -

1.) Sees the fish in the set-it-and-forget-it. Kitchen is getting stinky. Husband wakes me up and tells me - hey, pretty momma, your day must have gone down the crapper yesterday. You're still a pretty momma but I can't stand the stink in the kitchen. How about you get up and we can clean the thing together.

If my husband is in a crappy mood -

1.) Sees the fish in the set-it-and-forget-it. Goes to wake me up and tells me - hey, I know your day was crap yesterday. My day is crap too. What can we do about it? Sex sound good?

Basically, the common theme is that my husband acknowledges that I have problems and is willing to help me overcome them and makes certain that he expresses to me that even if I have challenges he would never think me an idiot because I have other redeeming qualities. This gives me a SAFE HAVEN to unload my self-hate without getting destructive. And, trust me, I can be very destructive... He helps me gain the courage to face my weaknesses and gives me the inspiration to work harder at my redeeming qualities. Because... I want to do it for him!

But, if he comes at me as my enemy, then I'd just be more defensive and get more destructive because that's my automatic self-preservation technique... I don't know how else to deal with it because I don't have the environment that allows me to learn better ways to deal with it. I'm on constant self-preservation mode.

So, see here. Yes, your wife needs to work on getting better. The first step is to acknowledge that she can't do this on her own. You can be part of the solution or part of the problem. Your choice. Or, you can just wash your hands off of the problem altogether and go find another wife. I, for one, will be ETERNALLY grateful to my husband for sticking it out with me.

Edited June 11, 2012 by anatess

[Guest]

You're not from Pennsylvania, are you, Eowyn?

LOL far from it. I've never been farther East than Wyoming, except when we went to Disneyworld a few years ago. Why do you ask?

[Vort]

Your construction of subject-"needs"-participle is very typical of Pittsburghese. My wife used, and occasionally still uses, such a construction. Most people either use the gerund instead of the participle or insert a "to be" between the "needs" and the participle.

Example:

Vort would say: "The stinky van needs to be cleaned." (Or maybe: "The stinky van needs cleaning.")

Sister Vort would say: "The stinky van needs cleaned."

Very Pittsburghese.

[Guest]

That's interesting! I think I say it both ways. I don't know why. I'm an Idaho girl, though.

[bcguy]

Once she said I HATE IT when I am not in control!!

She HATES getting her picture taken

She HATES it when she is embarrassed.

She will clean the WHOLE house just because a fire detection company comes in to smoke the fire alarm for operation "a 5 min operation". Is that common woman behavior? The house was in not that bad of shape. It is small though which can be frustrating to where to put everything.

She stays up late at night 12,1,2 am with pc monitor on in bedroom while trying to sleep. This is old subject. She USED to have tv on when I am trying to sleep!

[annewandering]

My monitor stays on 24/7 because i have sleep problems. the tv is on a lot because my husband does not know the difference between night and day. for some reason he is happy to have it on with the sound off so cant complain about that.

I think those are typical human behaviours. No big deal. Why do you obsess over them?

[Guest]

One-sided conversations are not productive and usually end with one or both parties being extremely frustrated.

If your communication with your wife is on par with how you've communicated in this thread (all mouth and no ears), I can understand if she is in a constant state of aggravation. She has my complete sympathy.

[slamjet]

My wife would rub my bald noggin, whisper into my ear how much she's proud of me for working on not being a slob, ask me why I put it in the fridge instead of the trash, and then, well, uhm, I'll stop there... I'm not married so furthering such thoughts would be detrimental.