Finishing Our Lives Alone

[Hala401]

I saw something that made me feel really sad today and brought home how bereft and alone I feel at times. For my whole live I was ruled and had to obey, first when young and then when I was married. After 40 years, my Marriage ended, and I am free, but very alone, and uncollared.

I need to get really busy now.

[HEthePrimate]

I saw something that made me feel really sad today and brought home how bereft and alone I feel at times. For my whole live I was ruled and had to obey, first when young and then when I was married. After 40 years, my Marriage ended, and I am free, but very alone, and uncollared.

I need to get really busy now.

((HUGS)) to you Hala (if you don't mind). I am a widower, and understand both the sense of freedom and the loneliness. As with so many things in life, there are pluses and minuses. What I try to do is let myself make use of and enjoy the freedom as much as I can, and when the loneliness hits, just let myself feel that, too, and do something to commemorate my late wife. Like cook some baked chicken, because my wife loved my herbed chicken! It makes me smile just thinking about her enjoying that! :) And it also makes me teary-eyed.

Peace to you, my friend.

[annewandering]

You are never alone, Hala. I do think about this though. My husbaNd is 9 years older than I am and my family has very long lived women. My mom has lived alone since 1991 and she was retired then. It is not something I look forward to.

So I have given it some thought as to how I will be able to deal. 1st I know I am never alone. God has His eyes on us and will never leave us alone. I think most wards have a pew row we generally kid and call widows row. These ladies seem to be very close to each other.

No matter what, you will always have God and your ward with you. If you have no close family then perhaps it would be a good idea to reach out to the ladies in your ward in friendship. Do you have a visit teaching calling yet? If not ask for one.

Welcome your visiting teachers to your home. Make them your friends.

You can chose to be alone or you can chose to be not alone. Its your choice. :)

[Hala401]

You are never alone, Hala. I do think about this though. My husbaNd is 9 years older than I am and my family has very long lived women. My mom has lived alone since 1991 and she was retired then. It is not something I look forward to.

So I have given it some thought as to how I will be able to deal. 1st I know I am never alone. God has His eyes on us and will never leave us alone. I think most wards have a pew row we generally kid and call widows row. These ladies seem to be very close to each other.

No matter what, you will always have God and your ward with you. If you have no close family then perhaps it would be a good idea to reach out to the ladies in your ward in friendship. Do you have a visit teaching calling yet? If not ask for one.

Welcome your visiting teachers to your home. Make them your friends.

You can chose to be alone or you can chose to be not alone. Its your choice. :)

I do have a Humanitarian Aid calling, and do visiting teaching and visiting teaching supervising. Still, there are times at night when it would just be nice to have that physical touch and reassurance. Sometimes even a negative experience is better than no experience at all.

[kartvines]

I do understand that being I was just windowed last month, my wife was the sweetest most caring woman I have ever met, and she was the true rudder in my life changing me to who I am today, After 34 years I have had her by my side no matter what, and today I must walk that path alone, and it can be very hard, men are taught not to show emotions so I find myself keeping it at bay overall, but my home has now just turned into a house with only me, in it. I understand my children and grandchildren love and need me but the can not fill that void, I get lonely and doubt myself a lot, I look toward the havens hoping for some sort of sign that she is there, the whole ordeal can be difficult at times. It makes it even harder that I had to have her plug pulled, because we agreed on it, and I had to honor her wishes, but now I asked myself what if, would it change anything, waiting and watching the last two hours of her gasping for air was something I still envision, and it sadden me not only for my lost but for the lost of our family. Worst yet I fell away for the church about 40 years ago so I don't even have that to give me solace. I am not a man with any friends, because people in general have always disappointed me, and it has been easier not to even give them a chance and now with my wife gone I have no one what so ever. I have taken the first step to begin my journey back to church and I hope to begin in a week or two, I even drove pass it yesterday not being able to go in. So understand you are not alone in any way, we all suffer something, and we must all start with the single step and hope we reach our goal and not matter how many steps it end up taking if you reach it, then it is all worth the journey. Just remember the only thing we are guaranty to fail at is what we never try.

[Hala401]

My first time in an LDS church, I expected to be thrown out. I was Muslim, and had met with the Sisters twice. At their gentle urging, I finally came though it was with great fear and trepidation. I was still firmly Muslim and observed the Muslim rules for modesty called Hijab. Muslims get al lot of rejection in America, but I had only faced it a few times.

Believe me, if they did not throw me out, why would you fear their reaction against you? I wish I could be there to support you and even go to church with you when you return this Sunday.

Did you do something that caused you to not go to church? Did you think that the same forgiveness that Jesus Christ granted me would not be available to you? It is Heavenly Father that forgives us, how can we not forgive ourselves?

Hala

[ruthiechan]

I once broke down crying right after a testimony (it was very difficult to give and I only did it because the Spirit asked me to). My friend sitting next to me let me cry into her chest. I was so grateful. My husband is not a member of the church so he was not there. Without her I would have not had the recourse I needed. I'm telling you this to let you know that sometimes all you need is someone to hold you for a while. It's not the same as romantic love but it's better than being in an abusive relationship.

*hugs*

[Misshalfway]

This thread really hits home. My mother passed away a few months ago. It was sudden. None of us saw it coming. In the months since, I've watched my father try and deal with a deep sense of loneliness. He has a strong testimony in the hereafter, the sealing, and a peace about the necessity of my mother's death. But even with all that knowing, he still feels the exquisit pain of being without her.

Kartvines, my heart goes out to you. I can't imagine. And it IS so hard to come back to church and try to integrate after such an absence. I can relate a bit to something similar.

[kartvines]

There is no fear of rejection as I had said in another post Brother Ward, was given the calling to visit me every month for the last few years, they want me back, it is just the changing of course, and path, first the lost of my wife and now turning even an extra degree is difficult.

I was very active before going into the Navy and doing 3 tours of duty in Viet Nam, in fact my family name goes as far back as the church as those who know Joseph, on return to the states I went to my Bishop with one question, which was, If I was responsible directly and or indirectly for the lost of hundreds if not thousands of lives, how can I ever now get into heaven, and I never got the answer that I needed to absolve myself. So I began to fill my life with everything I needed to allow me to feel normal , and or good about myself and it took many turns in the last 62 years, one of which and it ended up being the best thing I ever did was marrying my wife, it was a long battle to bend me to what was best for the family but she stood strong and did it with love, and now she is gone....... Changing course is the current problem, I have had so much change thrust on me with the death of my wife as well as her year fight cancer, and now I feel I need to take a breath, and then on the other had even with the fact she was not a member, I need to now find my path to redemption to even have a chance of seeing her again, in the afterlife..... In a year one of her Aunt's is going to have her sealed to her parents and family, so hopefully that gives her the path that I can one day follow......

[annewandering]

There is no fear of rejection as I had said in another post Brother Ward, was given the calling to visit me every month for the last few years, they want me back, it is just the changing of course, and path, first the lost of my wife and now turning even an extra degree is difficult.

I was very active before going into the Navy and doing 3 tours of duty in Viet Nam, in fact my family name goes as far back as the church as those who know Joseph, on return to the states I went to my Bishop with one question, which was, If I was responsible directly and or indirectly for the lost of hundreds if not thousands of lives, how can I ever now get into heaven, and I never got the answer that I needed to absolve myself. So I began to fill my life with everything I needed to allow me to feel normal , and or good about myself and it took many turns in the last 62 years, one of which and it ended up being the best thing I ever did was marrying my wife, it was a long battle to bend me to what was best for the family but she stood strong and did it with love, and now she is gone....... Changing course is the current problem, I have had so much change thrust on me with the death of my wife as well as her year fight cancer, and now I feel I need to take a breath, and then on the other had even with the fact she was not a member, I need to now find my path to redemption to even have a chance of seeing her again, in the afterlife..... In a year one of her Aunt's is going to have her sealed to her parents and family, so hopefully that gives her the path that I can one day follow......

Kartvines, my son is going through the forgiving himself for Iraq now. It has been a tough battle and I doubt it will ever completely end in this life. We tell him he did as he had to as a soldier but it just is not enough. The biggest thing we have seen is he has to forgive himself.

Your wife has gone on but you have this time that you can concentrate on working out your salvation. There will come a time when you will look back and be grateful for this chance. Take advantage of it and know your wife is cheering you on. lol my grandma used to talk to my grandfather all the time after he died and he talked to her. That veil is very thin. You probably wont see her or hear her but she IS near.

[Over43]

Not far from me lives a man who is in the last days of his life. He's been married for 40 years (I believe, or close to it...). I have spent a lot of time thinking of his wife and what she will do when he is gone. She did a lot with him and they depended on each other for a lot.

So, I can empathize with what you have posted in "being alone." I think we all have to face "alone" eventually, either through the loss of loved ones or facing down our own mortality, or becoming "free." after 40 years of marriage. I wish you the best.

[Hala401]

We were conditioned to trust our leaders. WWII and Korea proved it was nessessary. Vietnam had the draft, and the service was more or less involuntary. I served in the Army in the years 66-69 but of course there was no combat for me.

People of the Iraq and Afghanistan war were effectively forced to serve because of economic presure and economic incentives to go to college. When I tell a Vietnam Vet that we meant well and just tried to do what we were instructed to do, it seems to help somewhat. Even me, when I got out, there was no public support and I was actually spit at once in the airport.

Iraq era soldiers are suiciding at the rate of one a day right now. And that in spite of public support for their service if not for the leaders who put them there. This is a big problem right now, and you just don't cure it by telling these vets to "Man UP".

The Atonement is key here, and the other day when I was struggling with my past deeds, a sister reminded me that if we do not accept the attonement, then we do not accept Heavenly Father. That was like cold water in the face.

[kartvines]

Thank you for your feedback, one day at a time

[Hala401]

Thank you for your feedback, one day at a time

Stand Down soldier, you did your job honorably.

[kartvines]

I guess there is the rub, being in my mind, even after the fact I enlisted just out of high school in 1968, so I wouldn't get drafted there is never honor in war, war overall is very dishonorable and fought for the wrong reason too many times. Viet Nam was no exception.

I remember reading in the Stars ans Stripes stories about the war and then reading about the same event in local US Papers and the facts seldom lined up, in Viet Nam it was about the body count.

Granted compared to most my duty station mine was rather "safe" being I served on a Aircraft carrier the USS Coral Sea Attack Aircraft Carrier #43, basically pushing planes around all day, for 12 hours plus and spending up to 6 months at sea at a time.

When I got discharged I was lost and then loosing my mother shortly thereafter I ended up joining up with the Outlaw biker community where being honorable was not something that was considered a positive trait, with the exception of brotherhood/family which I was lacking since leaving the Navy.

I know blah, blah, everybody has hard luck stories, and nothing about mine is anything special............

[annewandering]

You are wrong. Your story is important. We learn both by our own experiences but also by the experiences of others. One thing we learn, hopefully, is understanding.

At the same time it is important to take our lessons from what we have experiences then move forward. Not always easy but very necessary. :)

[Hala401]

I guess there is the rub, being in my mind, even after the fact I enlisted just out of high school in 1968, so I wouldn't get drafted there is never honor in war, war overall is very dishonorable and fought for the wrong reason too many times. Viet Nam was no exception.

I remember reading in the Stars ans Stripes stories about the war and then reading about the same event in local US Papers and the facts seldom lined up, in Viet Nam it was about the body count.

Granted compared to most my duty station mine was rather "safe" being I served on a Aircraft carrier the USS Coral Sea Attack Aircraft Carrier #43, basically pushing planes around all day, for 12 hours plus and spending up to 6 months at sea at a time.

When I got discharged I was lost and then loosing my mother shortly thereafter I ended up joining up with the Outlaw biker community where being honorable was not something that was considered a positive trait, with the exception of brotherhood/family which I was lacking since leaving the Navy.

I know blah, blah, everybody has hard luck stories, and nothing about mine is anything special............

Not necessarily special because you have lots of company. We were brought into this world by people we trusted, though in time I learned not to trust my parents. We were conditioned all the way through school to say the Pledge Of Allegiance, and to think of those in government as honorable. When, in truth, it was not always like that. I was not LDS during all those years, but I wonder if even the loving people of the Wasatch were loving to their sons and daughters when they came home. I don't have the answers, but I do know that when I face Heavenly Father I will say that I tried my best. Oh, if we ever meet, will you give me a ride on your bike? :)

[kartvines]

Thank you for your feedback. I still have my 49 Harley Panhead, but I have it torn apart to protect me from being stupid in a moment of weakness, it didn't help me be in a good place with regards to my family, so I decided to move away from all of that temptation and became dead to that world, to sell out and devote myself to my family which was the best overall decision I could have made for all of us. Now that my wife is gone I don't know, I may put it back together someday, but that will come much later, I neither have the time nor money to do it right, so I wont start it unless I do. I also don't need no further distraction to my current goals. Currently the road I am now traveling is hard enough and I would prefer not to fail.

[Hala401]

In my late teens, I was a biker chick, I thought. Didn't get mixed up with the bad boys, though, and I never had anything but a rice burner. I fell off that bike in a heavy rain storm and slid a full city block, and that was it for me. It's amazing that I was not injured. It felt like I was on a slip n slide.

[kartvines]

I have never owned anything but a Harley, and rode for more than 20 years. Everyone I have owned either was totaled due to being hit and or catching fire, I lost 2 that way.

My wife used to ride with me, until our last ride together I blew my rear tire and because I wanted to protect her I was able to some how to keep it upright and bring it to a stop without dumping it and her knowing there was a problem, a feat I didn't think I was capable of, but when you are in love you protect the one's you love and that was the last time I was able to take her out, and I stopped riding a year after that when I wrecked yet another bike and took my current course of action.

[Vort]

In my late teens, I was a biker chick, I thought. Didn't get mixed up with the bad boys, though, and I never had anything but a rice burner. I fell off that bike in a heavy rain storm and slid a full city block, and that was it for me. It's amazing that I was not injured. It felt like I was on a slip n slide.

I used to share an office with a biker. I once commented on his leather clothing, and he said, "You only have to cover up those places you don't want scraped off."

[annewandering]

We do

[annewandering]

my husband wrecked up a harley once and slid forever on an oil slick road. he was in the hospital and got a visitor. a biker had heard about the accident and wanted to buy his roughed up leathers. lol. wannabebiker in my opinion!

[Hala401]

I used to ride in Mini and tank top. It was the rain that day that saved me. Road rash is ever so painful.

[ruthiechan]

I used to share an office with a biker. I once commented on his leather clothing, and he said, "You only have to cover up those places you don't want scraped off."

My kid and I notice what bikers wear and when they aren't wearing any leather we're like, welp, that person is acting like an idiot.