Married and out with friends?

[Bini]

How do you, as a spouse, feel about married people going to clubs without their spouse and with their friends? Not a big deal? Big deal? Some old college friends are getting together and want to hit a few clubs in town for a night of dancing and maybe karaoke. I declined because I'm married but maybe I'm overreacting?

[Misshalfway]

Hm. This is an interesting one.

I think all couples need time apart and both need a girl's (or boy's) night out.

But...Going clubbing for some reason makes me nervous. Maybe it's the environment and maybe it's because I've seen really good people make really dumb decisions in places like this...decisions they never intended. Maybe it's because there are men and women at clubs...and lots of flirting...and alcohol...and dancing. If the girls are getting their nails done or if the boys are playing golf, way less risky. You know?

[Guest]

With just the girls I would. If it's a mixed group, I wouldn't go out without my husband.

I've recently had infidelity hit a little too close to home (not me, but a close family member) and it started with catching up with an old high school friend. Things can start so innocently and deteriorate too quickly. Not that the people are blameless, but I find it better to stay away from circumstances that even allow the possibility.

[Dravin]

I'm biased against clubs, probably because of Hollywood portrayal. They've got a certain, "Lets get drunk and have some random sex." connotation to them for me (along with the super noisy aspect that also turns me off from them). Intellectually I know not all clubs and people are the same, but nevertheless if it was some friends from the past who wanted to go clubbing I'd probably decline unless it was the world's most boring club.

[Jennarator]

Going out with friends is fine. I would say to be very sure to decline those that ask you to dance. It might seem innocent, however at a club and someone that approaches you for a dance is most likely NOT in the same situation you are. I would only dance in the group of friends. I better idea is why not invite your spouse? ]t may or may not be his thing, but if he, or you, are uncomfortable with the idea of going "danceing" with a group of single people, then he should buck up for a night and go with you.

[FunkyTown]

I have a 'nerd night' once a week. I like to hook up with the boys, play some board games, that sort of thing.. I tell my wife I'm 'fixing my car'. As I don't own a car, she knows that's Me-code for, "I'm being a nerd but don't want you to know, so I'm going to say fixing my car so I have plausible deniability."

But I don't get why you'd want to go to a club. You can't talk to anyone, the music is loud and everybody around you is drunk and trying to hook up. Not really awesome.

[Wingnut]

I'm with Halfers on this one -- the club atmosphere seems less appropriate for a married person to patronize, especially without their spouse. There are plenty of non-meet/meat-market GNO activities that can be done instead.

[Guest]

I met my husband at a club... interestingly...

I don't have a problem going out to clubs with my friends - especially KARAOKE ONES! Yeah, any place that has dancing and singing, I'm all for it. It's my thing. No talking necessary. And no, I don't like dancing with random guys - there are tons of them who like to "bump and grind". Eeewww! But there are ballroom places that have decent guys (usually, mature ones, lots of them married - and yes, there are swingers too but you can avoid those) who are excellent dancers who respect the "dance space". But, usually, I just end up dancing with girls or individually. I just don't want to have to trouble myself with weeding out idiots. My husband goes to basketball and NFL - tailgating and such. That's his thing. My husband doesn't like clubs. He only goes if his friends need a wingman, but since they're all married now, they don't need a wingman anymore. I don't like tailgating. So we each get to go our own way with our friends.

If you're afraid you would get in trouble at a club - don't go. It's not the safest place for a girl to go - even if you're in a group. But then, there are clubs that are decent and there are clubs that are not. Only go to the clubs that you know for sure are decent. There's a ballroom dancing place in my town. It's sponsored by the dance studio that teaches ballroom dancing. It's a small club and most of the patrons are students at the studio. I used to go to that place until it closed down. The club that my husband and I met was an 18+ club. So it has more 18-year-olds than 21-year-olds, so most people are sober. I was 25 then, my husband was only 19! The "dancercize" gym goes to that club on Fridays and there are a lot of them. They're cool people to hang out with because they're mainly there to burn some calories off and be social at the same time. You see an MMA tent in the parking lot? Probably not a good idea to go into that club even if you've been there before. If you have a weakness for alchohol, don't go to clubs. You want your brain firing on all cylinders at the club. And no, the club is not the place to wear your slinky black miniskirt.

Of course, if you entertain the possibility that you are going to cheat on your husband, avoid clubs. Attraction is not marriage. You are stronger than your biological self. You should be able to look Michael Fassbender in the eye and tell him, sorry, you're so hot and all and I love that you're chasing poor old me, but my husband is who I chose to marry. Now, buzz off! Yes, there will be times when you have to tell somebody to buzz off. Most clubs have tight security though so you can approach security personnel to deal with idiots and even escort you to your car. If the place gets crazy, I take off.

Disclaimer: I haven't been to a club since I got pregnant with my 2nd one - that was 8 years ago! I have my own karaoke machine now which is better than the club and for some reason, I've just not danced in a long time outside of the Kinect. I guess that's why I've gotten fat! Yeah, my husband still goes to sports games. I go with him now... I guess we're starting to become clones of each other. LOL!

Edited July 3, 2012 by anatess

[Wingnut]

I'll amend my previous statement to refer more specifically to dance clubs. A karoake place? Fine.

[Bini]

Anatess, isn't it nice that our husbands are retired wingmen? :] It's been a couple years since my husband has shot darts and shared beers with his friends at his favourite bar. His decision to call it quits. I'm very proud of him. Oh and Anatess, I don't have a karaoke machine but my MIL has one but the idea of jamming out at her place doesn't have the same appeal.. Haha.

I haven't been to a club with friends since I got married almost 5 years ago. Hubby and I have gone to less than a handful of clubs since we've been married, and that was a couple years before I had the baby. My friends are all female. These are girls I attended nursing school with and they've all got a good head on their shoulders. Of course, it's been awhile since we've all met up and done anything together. I'm not worried about myself getting caught up in "the moment" and pulling something inappropriate. That's not why I declined. I declined because from experience, I know those environments generally cater to the single folks, and you can't be offended or mad if someone asks you to dance or offers to buy you a drink because YOU are the fish out of water. So that's why I said no.

[Guest]

I'll amend my previous statement to refer more specifically to dance clubs. A karoake place? Fine.

Uhm... unless you go to the kiddie karaoke place at a barbecue wings or the mexican restaurant place, all karaoke places are dance clubs as well. Some of them have a restaurant with the dance floor out front, most of them just have the regular club tables and a giant dance floor. And yes, most of them is a meet market, but there are others that are more for "mature" clientele - usually, this is the place with the non-gambling blackjack tables or the one with the baby grand piano. The not-so-cool thing about these "mature" places are it is frequented by the retirees... it is quite jarring to be hit on by a 70+-year-old...

[Guest]

Anatess, isn't it nice that our husbands are retired wingmen? :] It's been a couple years since my husband has shot darts and shared beers with his friends at his favourite bar. His decision to call it quits. I'm very proud of him. Oh and Anatess, I don't have a karaoke machine but my MIL has one but the idea of jamming out at her place doesn't have the same appeal.. Haha.

As my son would say, that would be.... awkward! LOL. I LOVE my karaoke machine but I even love my aunt's karaoke machine even better! You gotta get the machine from the Philippines. Another one of my aunts sell them in Cebu. You can get one for about $500 for just the machine and 2 mics and the ipad app for the song list. My aunt's system is $2,500 worth! Comes with 7:1 surround jbl speakers, 4 wireless mics, remote touch-screen song picker, gigs of memory and about 30,000 songs. If the song is on the top 100 billboard hit since the mid 60's, it's guaranteed to be on her machine. If it's a popular West-end or Broadway or movie soundtrack, it's in her machine. Filipino songs included. New songs get added by downloading the thing from the internet.

I haven't been to a club with friends since I got married almost 5 years ago. Hubby and I have gone to less than a handful of clubs since we've been married, and that was a couple years before I had the baby. My friends are all female. These are girls I attended nursing school with and they've all got a good head on their shoulders. Of course, it's been awhile since we've all met up and done anything together. I'm not worried about myself getting caught up in "the moment" and pulling something inappropriate. That's not why I declined. I declined because from experience, I know those environments generally cater to the single folks, and you can't be offended or mad if someone asks you to dance or offers to buy you a drink because YOU are the fish out of water. So that's why I said no.

But I don't worry about somebody asking me to dance or offers to buy me a drink. It's very seldom that you find people that have a problem taking No for an answer especially after you flash your wedding ring. And for those idiots that are too drunk to control themselves, there's the security personnel (which, I must admit, takes the fun out of the entire evening!). Also, there's a certain attitude that most guys look for when "prowling" the club. A girl wanting to meet guys exude the "come find me" attitude, usually trying to meet some guy's eye that they're interested in. Girls who just want to dance have a different attitude - they don't go "scanning the area". You know what I mean?

[EarlJibbs]

I think your experience will be different if it has been a while. I went to a dance club after I first got married. I went with my wife, but it was just different. Everyone one else was there to have a good time and hook up. I cannot tell you how many times my butt got grabbed (it was extremely crowded). My wife was ready to fight each time! I was proud of her, fighting for me, but needless to say we left early.

Just because it was a good time at one time, doesnt mean it will be now. I say you treat it like an old movie or TV show you watched when you were younger. Leave it alone and dont revisit it. Just remember it for how you saw it then. I loved the TV show He-man, the movie Footloose and others, I re-watched them and I was shocked that I ever considered them good. I should have left them alone. My good memories are now scarred. :)

For me, I cant go dancing anymore. It lost its appeal and reason.

[Windseeker]

Common sense tells me that you will have a higher chance of being unfaithful if you frequent dance clubs or karaoke bars. Reason also suggests that as you mature in your marriage these places get less and less appealing to the point one avoids them completely.

Like EJ, I found myself repelled by the environment the one time I took my young wife dancing, and I used to be a huge clubber. Simply put, they are not the place for committed married people. If you like dancing there are many other options then dance clubs.

My wife is a young professional and though unfair, she has chosen to have to work harder in her carreer in order to compensate for not frequenting these places with her peers and appearing anti-social. It's her choice and she's chosen to make the sacrifice, but it only increases my Love, Faith and Respect for her.

[Bini]

Thanks for everyone sharing their thoughts on the subject. Just to reiterate - I declined because I am married. But I wondered whether I was alone in this thinking, or if others felt the same way that I do. Good to know it's the latter.

[Guest]

I guess I'm in the situation again where DANCE CLUB has a different meaning than what y'all are talking about. Dance club is where you go to dance... I mean, where else do you go dancing if dancing is your thing??? To the Dance Club.

[EarlJibbs]

I guess I'm in the situation again where DANCE CLUB has a different meaning than what y'all are talking about. Dance club is where you go to dance... I mean, where else do you go dancing if dancing is your thing??? To the Dance Club.

That is the problem we are faced with. Where do you go dancing if not at the dance club? I know friends that frequent country dancing because of the line dances. The atmosphere is a little different. Then you have the "dry" clubs (at least in Salt Lake), but again, singles attend and expect there to be "fresh meat"

I am pretty sure we are talking about the same thing.

[BenRaines]

I would say no. My wife and I find that if we need any private time there is the garage that needs cleaning or the back 5 acres that needs mowing. If she wants time there is baking in the kitchen or visiting with the grandbabies or having them over which then has me in the garage or woodshop working.

If we want to bump and grind we turn the music on and do it at home. :0

Ben Raines

[llama]

I think it's a very individual decision. If you think there is any chance you'd get into trouble going to a club, just don't go. For me, other men aren't a temptation, and honestly, I prefer to be with my husband when I'm going out anyway. But other couples need to go out separately now and then. Every relationship is different! Personally I wouldn't enjoy a club, but many do, and only you know how you would behave while being there. I've always thought of clubs as being mainly for singles (who are looking for a date) or couples who are there to have fun together. So for me personally, I wouldn't go to one without my husband. But again, it's varies based on personalities.

[Dravin]

That is the problem we are faced with. Where do you go dancing if not at the dance club?

One can go to a dance club, a club in the same sense as a chess club not in the sense of a night club. For example: Welcome to BYU Swing Kids! | BYU Swing Kids Club

Edited July 5, 2012 by Dravin

[Guest]

One can go to a dance club, a club in the same sense as a chess club not in the sense of a night club. For example: Welcome to BYU Swing Kids! | BYU Swing Kids Club

Yeah! That's what I was talking about when I said that place where the Ballroom Dancing Studio goes. The party is held every Friday at the Studio Ballroom. The place is not licensed to sell alcohol but the students do a bring-your-own-wine kind of thing, so there's still alcohol present. But, there's almost no singles-looking-for-a-date type people. Most of the people at the party are friends of students but since it's a pretty popular thing with the dance-minded people, there are some walk-ins going too. It's a Dance Club just like the singles party scene club.

But, there are dance clubs (yes! The country line-dancing place in my town is one of them) that is more catered to dancing enthusiasts than the single party scene. Like, Pleasure Island in Disney Orlando has several clubs in there. There's one that I like to go to (okay, remember this was 8 years or more ago) where the dance floor revolves! They have dancers on the stage that do a presentation type of thing every few minutes. That place is awesome! The sound system is booming, the lights are all flashy, the dance floor revolves... if you've got too much alcohol in you, you'll be out on the street throwing up. And the place is full of out-of-town and even out-of-country tourists, so singles-looking-for-a-date go somewhere else.

Oh, one other thing in Pleasure Island while I'm at it... they have a Stand-up Comedy Club there too. I LOVE that place. Okay, I do not like going to comedy clubs - at all. It is VERY RARE to find a comedy club that is clean. There was one time where I went to the Comedy Club in my town because the comedian was a hypnotist and I heard from other people that he does clean, super hilarious comedy. But, there are opener comedians and they were terribly dirty. So, I had to go wait in the foyer until the hypnotist came on stage. Anyway, so back to the Comedy Club in Pleasure Island - it was clean and super duper funny! It was a... ah, can't remember the official term, but it was an impromptu comedy kinda like Drew Carey's Whose Line is it Anyway.

[mrmarklin]

How do you, as a spouse, feel about married people going to clubs without their spouse and with their friends? Not a big deal? Big deal? Some old college friends are getting together and want to hit a few clubs in town for a night of dancing and maybe karaoke. I declined because I'm married but maybe I'm overreacting?

I agree with you. Not a good idea if you are married.

[Bini]

I haven't been to any clubs here in SLC. Only in Vegas and California but there's apparently a nightclub up in Idaho that they're wanting to hit.

Anatess, if I lived in Florida, we could do a girls night! Dancing and karaoke "Flo-rida style"