Help my wife is a mess!

[Gwen]

I"m not a gross person. But I'm a cluttered person. Total cleanliness and organization is something my mind just can't process. I'm still working on keeping a neat house. I like to tell myself that if I'm ever a stay-at-home mom I will get better.

Not to burst your bubble but don't count on it. I'm a lot like that and it's a constant struggle. lol

One thing I know for sure.........our spirits cannot rest when surrounded in chaos. Look at the temple.....there is a reason The House of The Lord is kept uncluttered, simple and clean.

I will admit right now to taking this personally but this is the dumbest thing I've ever heard. My husband would say this to me all the time. NOTHING will start a fight faster.

My response is "Ok, let's look at the temple. No children are allowed. You change all your clothes, especially shoes, the second you walk in the door. No food. No drink. No sleeping, bathing, brushing teeth, doing hair, etc. AND you have a team of assigned members who come and scour the place every week."

When my house has No children, no food/drink, no daily hygiene use, everyone who enters changes all their clothes, and the RS come every week to help clean THEN you can compare my house to the temple.

For point of reference I am one of those that was raised without being taught regular organizing habits (not nasty just cluttered). Add to that the ADD and having gotten married in 2000, baby in 2001, 2002, 2003, 2005, 2008. I didn't exactly get a lot of time to get my feet on the ground before massively complicating things. I'm only just now getting even close to some kind of order and good habits.

I'm not saying there isn't spiritual value in your surroundings but everyone's level of tolerance is different. We have to be realistic in our expectations.

[annewandering]

OP, I dont know about your wife but if my husband said or implied by words or actions that I was a mess because of my housecleaning, it would be the LAST time I ever cleaned a thing in my house till he died. At that time I would get a scoop shovel and put everything but mine in a burning pile. Now if he was further insulting I would get out the scoop shovel, right then, and put everything in a burning pile and burn it. And dare him to say a word. After all the house is clean then. Right?

Your attitude has a lot to do with how your wife reacts. No matter how nice she is. Might pay to look at yourself before looking at her. Then sit down with her and talk, not preach, about what you and she can do about it.

Today, in my house, we are doing something different. He usually does dishes and I usually mow. I detest dishes and he doesnt like to mow. I love mowing. Anyway it has been so hot lately that neither of us have been doing our chores anywhere near properly. So today I am doing his job and he is doing mine. I am doing his dishes because I know he is aggravated about them and he is doing the lawn because he is an angel. :)

Maybe theres a lesson in there. Dont know what it is but there must be. lol.

[EarlJibbs]

It looks like you have fallen into the roll of the one that cleans. What are her rolls?

I fell into the one who cooks dinner. It was just something I started since my wife was home with the kids all day. So when I get home I know that I change from a shirt and tie into my apron. The good thing is that I cant complain that I dont like the food! I am the one who cooks it! :)

There seems to be some underlying factor to why your spouse doesnt like to clean and why she wouldnt change. Are you being entirely too strict on what it is to be clean? My advice is to sit down and have frank talks, and schedule a councelor if you feel it is affecting your eternal relationship.

[tumbledquartz]

My husband constantly complains about the house being messy. It's generally not gross - just cluttered. When I make efforts to clean it up, though, he still complains. He's never satisfied. He puts me down in other ways, as well. I'll point out to him that I'm getting things organized, and he'll complain still that I'm not concentrating on the things he thinks are more important. For instance, he wants the countertops and traffic areas clear. So if I do anything else when they aren't done yet, he complains. I've decided it'll never be good enough for him, so why bust my tail about it?

It also makes it hard to do something when you feel like it's being demanded of you. I think we often put spouses and also children in positions where they either have to rebel or give in, without leaving them free to do the right thing because they choose it. It's hard to clean when your spouse just got done chewing you out for not cleaning. It feels like you're putting your tail between your legs, and no one likes feeling like that.

I don't know what the situation is with you guys in particular, I'm just giving you some thoughts from my viewpoint. Good luck.

[Rapidmc]

Looking at the title it does sound a little condesending even though that is really not what I intended. To be more clear she is a clutterer. Every room has a pile of her stuff in it. We are newly married but have been together for over seven years. This is something that built up over time. We have never set roles or set any agreed plan into action. Looking at things now I can see that never having a plan is a big problem. I think we need to sit down and figure out a plan and get everything out in the open.

[Misshalfway]

Looking at the title it does sound a little condesending even though that is really not what I intended. To be more clear she is a clutterer. Every room has a pile of her stuff in it. We are newly married but have been together for over seven years. This is something that built up over time. We have never set roles or set any agreed plan into action. Looking at things now I can see that never having a plan is a big problem. I think we need to sit down and figure out a plan and get everything out in the open.

I have friends who are professional organizers. They come into your home and help you purge all the stuff you don't need and they help you simplify what you do with the stuff you do need. They tell you where you need shelves or cubby's or boxes. It's pretty amazing. It's like when you feel how peaceful it makes your home and the insides of your brain, you never want to back to way you did things before! I can testify of how converting the feeling is. I just cleaned out my garage. Well, I had my son do it. :D And driving my car in yesterday was like coming home to Jesus!

Good luck in all your future negotiations with your sweetie. I'm glad you are deciding to talk about this. I'm a fan of quality communication. :)

[Guest]

Looking at the title it does sound a little condesending even though that is really not what I intended. To be more clear she is a clutterer. Every room has a pile of her stuff in it. We are newly married but have been together for over seven years. This is something that built up over time. We have never set roles or set any agreed plan into action. Looking at things now I can see that never having a plan is a big problem. I think we need to sit down and figure out a plan and get everything out in the open.

Approach it with love and kindness and as a team. It's not you versus her. It's both of you together as a team versus the clutter.

Here's the first step to de-clutter. Put down 3 tarps in a big empty space. Put a label on 1 tarp that says - Keep. The other tarp - Donate. The last tarp - Trash. Spend 30 minutes to 1 hour every single day going room by room picking every single clutter thing and put them on either one of the 3 tarps. You can even use a timer if you really don't want to spend more than 30 minutes or an hour on it. Once you get everything put in the proper tarp - throw away the trash, drive the donation tarp to goodwill. Then buy tons of baskets (prettier) or plastic bins (cheaper) from Wal-mart and sit down on the Keep tarp and organize everything in the baskets/bins. Then put each basket/bin in the room where it needs to go, nicely stacked on a table or shelf. Put labels on the baskets if you need to.

Then everyday or every week, all you have to do is go through the same routine of organizing Keep/Donate/Trash. After a while, it just becomes a habit and when you see trash, it just goes straight to the trash and when you see keep, it just goes straight to the basket...

[Backroads]

Someone was just telling me about a blog where this woman makes de-cluttering part of her Lent. I guess it's called "40 bags in 40 days". Each day during Lent she takes a bag and goes through the house to get rid of things she doesn't need.

At first I was surprised at the 40 whole bags... but then I look around at all the junk I own... I bet one could really find a lot to get rid of if one tried!

[EarlJibbs]

This post reminds me that I need to purge my house again. I do it every year or so. Cloths, toys, furniture...It's going to look like my house just puked on the front lawn! :) Okay, maybe not that bad, but I said purge...

[skippy740]

Someone was just telling me about a blog where this woman makes de-cluttering part of her Lent. I guess it's called "40 bags in 40 days". Each day during Lent she takes a bag and goes through the house to get rid of things she doesn't need.

At first I was surprised at the 40 whole bags... but then I look around at all the junk I own... I bet one could really find a lot to get rid of if one tried!

Maybe sandwich bags...?

[Backroads]

Maybe sandwich bags...?

Whew. Decluttering done for the day!

[tumbledquartz]

Maybe sandwich bags...?

Talk about taking decluttering in bite-sized chunks - literally!

[Rapidmc]

She must have seen this post. I came home from work today to find that she had done a lot of picking up around the house. We talked about how much nicer it is to relax in a clean house. I also told her that I was going to do something to make our home better each day. Hopefully she follows my lead and we can turn this into a habit.

[MorningStar]

She must have seen this post. I came home from work today to find that she had done a lot of picking up around the house. We talked about how much nicer it is to relax in a clean house. I also told her that I was going to do something to make our home better each day. Hopefully she follows my lead and we can turn this into a habit.

She must have been watching Hoarders.

[annewandering]

it might have been nice to have just said something along the line of you have been working so hard today! How about if we go out to dinner or call in a pizza and enjoy the evening. Then do that and make it a warm happy evening with no talk about what a good girl she was.

[Bini]

it might have been nice to have just said something along the line of you have been working so hard today! How about if we go out to dinner or call in a pizza and enjoy the evening. Then do that and make it a warm happy evening with no talk about what a good girl she was.

Sometimes you just gotta come out and say something in a marriage, instead of dancing around the issue. If there's something that's been weighing heavily on your mind, you should verbalise this to your spouse. If there's something nice that your spouse has done, that he or she typically doesn't do, you should acknowledge that and verbalise it. That's what my husband and I do, anyway, and it works great. I don't think it's wise to setup a situation where IF this or that is done, we will reward ourselves with gifts or dining out. I think a healthy marriage needs date nights for this. Otherwise, when working through problems and achieving a solution, I think appreciation can be shown in other ways. My two cents, of course.

[annewandering]

Bini, not disagreeing but he already did that. And she spent the day cleaning up. Isnt that what he wanted?

[Guest]

Sometimes you just gotta come out and say something in a marriage, instead of dancing around the issue. If there's something that's been weighing heavily on your mind, you should verbalise this to your spouse. If there's something nice that your spouse has done, that he or she typically doesn't do, you should acknowledge that and verbalise it. That's what my husband and I do, anyway, and it works great. I don't think it's wise to setup a situation where IF this or that is done, we will reward ourselves with gifts or dining out. I think a healthy marriage needs date nights for this. Otherwise, when working through problems and achieving a solution, I think appreciation can be shown in other ways. My two cents, of course.

Bini, this reminds me of this marriage counselor that gave a talk during one of our RS nights. He was telling us that there are things better left unsaid and replaced with a simple Thank You. Basically, he gave the story of a wife that has been asking her husband to fix the gutters. Week after week goes by with her asking nicely and nothing happens. Finally, after a few months, the wife comes home and finds brand new gutters... in glaring red.

So, the marriage counselor said in this case, just tell the husband, Thank you for fixing the gutters and leave it at that.

I came home and told my husband about this story and he said - "Nah, that's not you. You would say Thank you for the fixing the gutters, when can we paint it white?". And he is so right about that. My husband knows me so well now that I don't have to "watch what I say" because he knows I don't mean disrespect or unappreciation when I say those things. I just say what's in my head. He does the same thing - I don't ask my husband if I look fat in these clothes if I am not prepared to hear the truth. If I just want a compliment I tell him - "I need a compliment." LOL. Actually, I learned that directness from him. My husband is the type to say what he means and mean what he says.

And in addition:

It's also a Filipino culture thing not to say "feelings". Like, you don't normally hear families verbalize, I love you. I haven't heard those words from my mother until my brother married an American. I've never heard my father say it. I love you is said in actions, not words, in Filipino culture. My husband says I love you all the time. So yes, he verbalizes a lot, but he verbalizes unfiltered - love and criticism in equal measure.

Edited August 23, 2012 by anatess