Roommates... when you're married!

[Backroads]

Yesterday, my husband asked how I would feel if we were to move into a place with a second bedroom (which we will eventually do at some point) and have his little brother room with us until one of the following happens a)BiL goes on a mission b)Baby is born (whichever comes first, they'll probably be roughly at the same time).

My BiL is a fun kid and I love him to death. He's also had some struggles in the past, so I'm thrilled he's considering a mission and I think my husband could better influence him if he were closer to us. Husband and BiL grew up in an itty bitty town in the middle of nowhere, and BiL is a rather social kid who is bored to tears at home and working for his dad.

However, I'm a very private person (it's rather lucky for my husband I let him live with me ) who likes to have her own space, her own home, and own little family set-up. I figure, I'm married, I have my own little family, I don't need a roommate. This would apply to ANYONE so it's nothing personal against my BiL. We're also planning on living in inexpensive small spaces to save up money to put a downpayment on a house, so it's not like I could just wander to another area of the home. On a much more selfish note, I can't abide the thought of my husband and BiL playing those stupid army shoot-em-up games together for hours.

I've already expressed these opinions to my husband when he asked (no fight, he was really just asking for my thoughts), but I still feel kind of guilty and selfish for these thoughts. I realize it would be only temporary and we would have to find a place first anyway, but I'm feeling a conflict between my needs/wants and the kindness of helping to shelter and influence an 18-year-old boy.

[Guest]

Don't feel guilty. Adding another person to the family dynamics is a very tough thing. It doesn't matter if your husband and BIL are conjoined twins. Orson Scott Card wrote on the introduction of one of his books that he spends a lot of time studying all the characters he chooses to write about. Each character has their own personalities and way of talking and these change depending on who the character is interacting with. This is so true in real life. Each and every person - no matter how close-knit - has to interact differently with different characters in the room. This change can be really stressful.

It's fine for temporary - you can sacrifice for a few months if he really doesn't have anywhere else to go. My parents stay with me for 6 months at a time and my husband is ok with it. But - it starts to stress out my parents and when my parents are stressed I get stressed and when I'm stressed my husband get stressed.

The thing with your situation is you're pregnant. You really want as stable an environment as you can get in this time. If you anticipate the BIL to give you added stress, I would tell your husband not to do it unless he really has nowhere else to go.

[Bini]

Nice gesture or not, you need to really consider the impact this situation will have on you, your husband and possibly you're little one. I'll comment from being a new-mama-point-of-view.. For me, having my first baby was seriously a nightmare for the first several months, postpartum depression aside - things get chaotic and you're both running on empty (physically and mentally). Unless your BIL is self-sufficient, such as, cleaning up after himself and able to prepare his own meals - it will be too much work for you to take his needs on and yours (+ new baby and husband's). The hours of video gaming will not fly, trust me on that one, the XBOX or PS3 will be thrown in the trash faster than your husband and BIL can blink :) Think about it carefully. Pray about it. Your immediate family always comes first, that being, your husband and your baby's well being - and yours! Even if he moves out BEFORE your baby is born, third trimester isn't as fun as the first trimesters, you become more tired and it's not uncommon to be irritable towards the end prior delivery.

[annewandering]

I think he is going to get that message. Say no you dont want to do that.

[NeuroTypical]

Heh - I was in a very similar situation. Except it was her brother, brother's fiance, and fiance's kid from a prior marriage. They were fun people with some struggles too.

Word to the wise - if you go through with the agreement, have VERY clear expectations about the move-out date. Make an actual date. Make VERY sure that your husband fully supports the date. Have the date be a frequent topic of conversation. ("So, it's two months 'til Nov 1 - since it looks like you won't be leaving on your mission until January, how goes the apartment search?")

We all hope you won't have this problem. Surely, BiL just needs a month or two to get out the door on his mission, or out the door into his life. But you MUST consider the very real possibility that a month or two might become three or six. And to keep you from killing your husband, you and he need to be on the same page about what the two of you will do if the date starts slipping.

If you end up budging on the date, even once, then it's no longer a short-term thing. It will quickly become a "we have a live-in babysitter" thing. If you and hubby are unwilling or unable to look up homeless shelters, then no, your "a) mission b) baby" thing is unrealistic wishful thinking.

This may be a slight exaggeration, but if you let it, this date will move and slip until your unborn child gets married and moves out. This date will slip until your grandchildren sell the house after your funeral. This date will slip until a constable comes and physically removes BiL from the property so the new owners can take posession.

Don't doubt me.

Edited August 23, 2012 by Loudmouth_Mormon

[Backroads]

Thanks, y'all. I feel rather validated now in my opinions on it.

And it's not BiL has no other options. He's the only kid living at home, and his parents are happy to keep him around and employ him until whenever. His biggest thing is that he's lonely at home and there's about five kids in that entire town. Still, it's a good situation, but if he moved out, my husband thinks living with us might be also be a good situation. He has other friends about, but I think it's that protective big brother instinct. If it came down to the homelessness option, BiL would probably just move back home.

But the dynamics example really spoke to me. That's just how I feel, because I know it would change our little family dynamics.

[Martain]

I've been in the position your brother in law is in and I'm thankful for a family that was there for me when I needed them. I approve of your husbands willingness/desire to help his brother out. Since he would need your approval, and you have various concerns, the power of the decision is yours and thus also the power.

You can set the ground rules regarding gaming, curfew, chores, length of stay such as;

He can stay however he has to be out of the house by 9AM and can't come home during the day until 6PM until he has a job if not then x consequence. When he has a job he will put X amount of $ in his savings each month until he has saved up X amount of $ so that come time to move out, he has enough to do so if not then x consequence. He is limited to 1 hour of xbox/computer gaming per day and you're only allowed to play "x" games with him on Saturday and then only for 2 hours if not then x consequence. He will only be able to stay until XX/XX/XXXX. We will be installing a filter on his computer and restricting the time of day it can access the internet (K9 Webprotection). There will be a 9:30 curfew. We'll put a pillow and blanket in his car and if he's not home in time then that night he can sleep in the car. Once he has a job he will pay X amount of rent/groceries/utilities. Every Saturday he will get up at 9AM and mow the lawn if not then x consequence. If he eats what I cook then he cleans up for the meal afterwards if not then x consequence. He will not invite anyone over and will agree to live the BYU standards if not or if he breaks it, then x consequence.

Basically a, "We love you and you're welcome to stay here while you get on your feet but it's our house so it's our rules. Tow the line or ship on out."

In making this decision, especially in light of the difficulty and stress that comes from pregnancy, prayerful consideration of what Jesus would do or have you do sounds wise.

Because I have been given much, I too must give.

Because of thy great bounty, Lord each day I live.

I shall divide my gifts from thee with every brother that I see,

who has the need of help from me.

Because I have been sheltered, fed by thy good care…

I cannot see another’s lack and I not share-

my glowing fire, my loaf of bread-my roof’s safe shelter over head,

that he too may be comforted.

Because I have been blessed by thy great love dear Lord,

I’ll share thy love again according to thy word.

I shall give love to those in need. I’ll show that love by word and deed,

thus shall my thanks be thanks indeed.

[Bini]

Martain, those are just too many rules to put down, and the last thing Backroads (and her husband) needs is to be a second set of "parents" to the BIL. As Backroads has clarified, the BIL is not on his last dime or homeless, he has a stable living environment with the parents (in laws). I'm sure Jesus has said No before, and with good reason.

[Backroads]

I think I would be more likely to take in BiL if he were a little more desperate, but that isn't the case.

[slamjet]

Add up the extra cost for food, laundry, gas, heating, water, etc, then get him a hotel room.

[Finrock]

I know the following is an extreme example, but it is something that has caused me to always take pause and reconsider my motivations just to make sure they are righteous when I am in a similar situation.

Some years ago now, my best friend called me up and wanted to know if he could come stay with my wife and I. Well, I recall being kinda open to the idea but not really loving it. Neither was my wife all gunho about it either. I remember thinking that I didn't really want to deal with some of the issues my friend was going through because I was feeling stress and pressure from having been newly married and having become a first time father. So, I didn't exactly say no, but, my friend got the message that perhaps if all else fails, he can come over and stay with us, but otherwise no.

Now, I didn't think much of the incident until a few months later when I received a call from my best friend's father telling me that my best friend had taken his life. I was devastated. On top of the sadness I felt for having lost my best friend, I have also felt guilty for not being more accepting and willing to allow my friend to come over and stay with us. Perhaps, I have thought, this was an opportunity for me to have made a difference but because of my selfishness I turned that opportunity down and perhaps I missed a chance to prevent my friend from taking his own life.

I cannot dwell on those thoughts forever and the pain of all of that has lessened with time, however, I still make sure that before I make a decision in such situations that I am doing it only after I have checked my motivations and I have received confirmation for my decision from the Spirit.

But, on second thought, I might not be a good person to be giving advice on this point.

Regards,

Finrock

[classylady]

I have opened up my home on a number of different occasions to help friends and family members out. It isn't exactly easy. We never set up any house rules, and I wish now that we had done so. I've had a number of nephews at different times move in with us. They weren't in dire straits, but usually because they were moving away from home, and needed a place to stay until they found a job, apartment, etc. We had a young couple move in with us (friends from my husbands work), who were going through financial difficulties. I've had some of my adult married children and their spouses/children live with us while they were trying to get ahead financially. Basically, it means some sacrifice on our part, and on the visitors part. It wasn't easy for them living with us either.

For me, the lack of privacy is one of the hardest things to deal with. And, let's face it--they become aware of your faults and idiosyncrasies, and you, theirs. I admit there were a few days when I just hibernated in my bedroom, reading, etc. just to have private time for myself.

[Bini]

I know the following is an extreme example, but it is something that has caused me to always take pause and reconsider my motivations just to make sure they are righteous when I am in a similar situation.

Some years ago now, my best friend called me up and wanted to know if he could come stay with my wife and I. Well, I recall being kinda open to the idea but not really loving it. Neither was my wife all gunho about it either. I remember thinking that I didn't really want to deal with some of the issues my friend was going through because I was feeling stress and pressure from having been newly married and having become a first time father. So, I didn't exactly say no, but, my friend got the message that perhaps if all else fails, he can come over and stay with us, but otherwise no.

Now, I didn't think much of the incident until a few months later when I received a call from my best friend's father telling me that my best friend had taken his life. I was devastated. On top of the sadness I felt for having lost my best friend, I have also felt guilty for not being more accepting and willing to allow my friend to come over and stay with us. Perhaps, I have thought, this was an opportunity for me to have made a difference but because of my selfishness I turned that opportunity down and perhaps I missed a chance to prevent my friend from taking his own life.

I cannot dwell on those thoughts forever and the pain of all of that has lessened with time, however, I still make sure that before I make a decision in such situations that I am doing it only after I have checked my motivations and I have received confirmation for my decision from the Spirit.

But, on second thought, I might not be a good person to be giving advice on this point.

Regards,

Finrock

Finrock, that is a very sad story, and an extreme case. My husband had a friend who he was band mates with, that took his life shortly after we married. So this happened within the last five years. Though there seemed to be little that would point to suicide, he clearly was dealing with some depression, and with his wife leaving him. This friend ended up staying with, and hanging himself in a mutual friend's home. In hindsight, we can replay all the what ifs but the fact is, we are not responsible for others actions. I doubt that even if you had accepted this friend into your home, that his ill feelings would magically disappear or even improve. When someone is near suicidal or is suicidal, a friendly gesture is too short of a miracle to change much. A more intense intervention would need to apply, I believe, in most cases.

[Martain]

Martain, those are just too many rules to put down, and the last thing Backroads (and her husband) needs is to be a second set of "parents" to the BIL. As Backroads has clarified, the BIL is not on his last dime or homeless, he has a stable living environment with the parents (in laws). I'm sure Jesus has said No before, and with good reason.

I know I know =) it was just a list of some of the rules I would consider implementing if I were in her shoes. I'm not saying she should or shouldn't but trying to point out that if she accepts she is in a position to lay down the ground rules.

[Backroads]

I do agree with ground rules, Martain. I've seen too many examples of other people trying to be charitable and winding in over their heads.

[alucarD1975]

no ground rules....just dont do it