writing a letter

[Guest]

Angel333, I'm in the primary. I've had this calling for almost 3 years.

We have tons of treats - even sugary including candy - in Primary. The individual class teachers sometimes give them out, the song leader sometimes give them out, the sharing time teacher sometimes give them out. Sometimes they get all 3 in one Sunday. And that's on top of the fruit loops (just as much sugar as candy) that's common in Sacrament meeting. No problem with reverence.

Interestingly, we get more reverence issues during fast sundays when there's no food stuff in Primary.

Okay, about allergies -

Yes, I have one of those kids who has a peanut allergy. Actually, he has tons of allergies.

And no, I would really hate to have people stop all forms of giving children treats because "they might have an allergy".

My child knows that he has an allergy. He's known this since he was old enough to understand "don't talk to strangers". He also knows, "don't take food from anybody even non-strangers". He knows to say, "I have allergies". The rest of the time, I am the watchful parent.

I can't stop people from giving my kid something to eat - while playing at the playground, while visiting some friends, while in school, and yes, while at church. I do not put the responsibility for his allergies on somebody else who may not even know what an allergy is.

And more importantly, I do not ever wish for people to stop being nice to the children - yes, even in the form of giving out treats - just because they are fearful of causing one rare kid an allergy. The world will be a very dreary place.

That said - it is always good if somebody would ask the parent first before they offer a small child food stuff. It's just common courtesy.

Edited August 24, 2012 by anatess

[MorningStar]

My letter would go something like this:

Dear Sister who likes to hand out candy,

You are being called to Primary. You're welcome.

Love,

Us

[pooter1]

Morning Star,Your the winner!!!!!! Yes!! lol Anatess, We have 3 kids with ADD,we have 2 diabetic and 3 with food allergies. Im all for candy but wait till after church.I wish I had kids like yours.The ones with ADD we have to chase down at times.

Before the new handbook you were not allowed to have snacks in class unless it went with the lesson Im not for sure about the new handbook.

[pam]

And more importantly, I do not ever wish for people to stop being nice to the children - yes, even in the form of giving out treats - just because they are fearful of causing one rare kid an allergy. The world will be a very dreary place.

That said - it is always good if somebody would ask the parent first before they offer a small child food stuff. It's just common courtesy.

I so agree with your last statement. If only people would just use a little common courtesy.

However your comment about the one has me thinking. Did not Christ leave the 99 in search of the 1 because he felt that person was just as important?

It also reminds me of an instance in a former ward of mine. Our Bishop came in to Relief Society to ask something of all the sisters. One sister in the ward had an extreme sensitivity to perfumes and smells. A debilitating sensitivity. The Bishop asked us to stop wearing perfumes and lotions with smells to allow this Sister to come to Relief Society. His comment was, "Is it right to ask Sisters to sacrifice for the one? Yes." Because that is what the Savior would do.

People don't cause allergies. People already have allergies. It's what we give them without knowing or even in knowing that causes allergic reactions.

When I was Primary President for several years, we had 6 children that had severe allergies to different food items. Three of them were from the same family. We learned to be very creative when we had activities that included food. We also learned that when we gave out treats to the kids after Primary, that we handed the treats to the parents and let them make the decision if it was something that their children could have.

We even had a Relief Society homemaking night where we learned how to make homemade graham crackers. One child in nursery was extremely allergic to anything with wheat. So the mother taught a class in how to make the crackers in a way that her child could enjoy them. So those of us who worked in Primary took turns making them each week so that all of the children in nursery could enjoy a treat that we knew would be safe for ALL of the children.

I mentioned earlier in this thread having the Bishop make a comment at the pulpit. I brought this up because we had a bishop do just that. He addressed it for all organizations though I knew it was more to the Primary. He had discussed it with me before hand. He commended those that went out of their way to do things for those in the organizations. He thanked those teachers who wanted to make their kids in their classes happy by bringing treats. But he reminded us that we want everyone to be happy and safe. We needed to be respectful of those that had allergies or disabilities that kept them from enjoying the things that others were enjoying. He taught us to get to know the one. To find ways to include the one so they felt included as well. He said he wasn't asking that people not do kind things for others, to never bring treats, but to get to know the people within our organization that we serve so that we can better serve them as well. To get to know the one.

While it may seem in the OP that this lady just wanted to be kind and bring the children candy, she really could be causing more harm in her "kindness" that she may not even be aware of.

Edited August 25, 2012 by pam

[pooter1]

I would be alright with snacks like pretzels or fruit or crackers just save the sugar for when primary is over.I haven't wrote the letter yet.Still worried about it.I do not want to offend ANYONE!!! and I will show it to the Bishop before I deliver anything just to get his ok with it. Just don't know how to write it without being offensive.

[Guest]

I so agree with your last statement. If only people would just use a little common courtesy.

However your comment about the one has me thinking. Did not Christ leave the 99 in search of the 1 because he felt that person was just as important?

It also reminds me of an instance in a former ward of mine. Our Bishop came in to Relief Society to ask something of all the sisters. One sister in the ward had an extreme sensitivity to perfumes and smells. A debilitating sensitivity. The Bishop asked us to stop wearing perfumes and lotions with smells to allow this Sister to come to Relief Society. His comment was, "Is it right to ask Sisters to sacrifice for the one? Yes." Because that is what the Savior would do.

People don't cause allergies. People already have allergies. It's what we give them without knowing or even in knowing that causes allergic reactions.

When I was Primary President for several years, we had 6 children that had severe allergies to different food items. Three of them were from the same family. We learned to be very creative when we had activities that included food. We also learned that when we gave out treats to the kids after Primary, that we handed the treats to the parents and let them make the decision if it was something that their children could have.

We even had a Relief Society homemaking night where we learned how to make homemade graham crackers. One child in nursery was extremely allergic to anything with wheat. So the mother taught a class in how to make the crackers in a way that her child could enjoy them. So those of us who worked in Primary took turns making them each week so that all of the children in nursery could enjoy a treat that we knew would be safe for ALL of the children.

I mentioned earlier in this thread having the Bishop make a comment at the pulpit. I brought this up because we had a bishop do just that. He addressed it for all organizations though I knew it was more to the Primary. He had discussed it with me before hand. He commended those that went out of their way to do things for those in the organizations. He thanked those teachers who wanted to make their kids in their classes happy by bringing treats. But he reminded us that we want everyone to be happy and safe. We needed to be respectful of those that had allergies or disabilities that kept them from enjoying the things that others were enjoying. He taught us to get to know the one. To find ways to include the one so they felt included as well. He said he wasn't asking that people not do kind things for others, to never bring treats, but to get to know the people within our organization that we serve so that we can better serve them as well. To get to know the one.

While it may seem in the OP that this lady just wanted to be kind and bring the children candy, she really could be causing more harm in her "kindness" that she may not even be aware of.

The 99 sheep does not relate in this case. Jesus went searching for the one that was lost. A child with allergies is not lost.

I think we're talking two different things. My point was around having people stop doing charitable things for fear of causing harm to someone. My point is exactly the same as the new American culture of not stopping to help someone on the side of the road for fear that he's intending to harm the helper. The same as youth not able to drop off cookies at random houses and ring doorbells for fear that they'll get sued if someone gets sick when they eat the cookie or worse, get accused of bio-terrorism. And so on and so forth. A lady at church shouldn't have to fear to be kind.

You know what, terrorists don't need to bomb America to terrorize Americans. They already are. Sorry, you can't give random kids treats for fear of harming someone. Here's your card. Terrorized. Wear it proudly.

Edited August 25, 2012 by anatess

[applepansy]

Maybe the Bishop needs to put it out at the pulpit.

I haven't read through the whole thread yet but I'd like to reply here.

If both the Primary Pres. and the Bishop have asked this person to stop ans she hasn't. Then over the pulpit is the right place. The parents need to be aware that someone is giving their children candy and they need to be aware of the behavior issues in Primary.

In every ward I've been in behavior issues in Primary were handled with the parents. If there are issues the child was either taken to the parent or the parent was expected and asked to be in primary with the child. Once a parent is involved in a behavior issue it stops pretty fast.

[Bini]

Excuse the grumpy response but I've been thinking.. How are these parents so oblivious to their children taking "treats" from a member? Unless they're ignoring the situation to where their kids are able to get around the chapel during sacrament meeting to accept snacks? To me, this isn't a one sided issue, it's two sided. The parents need to be more assertive of their kiddos whereabouts and reign them in. I think by doing this, a lot of this situation will be resolved, easily.

[MorningStar]

We have a sister who loves to give toddlers quiet toys to play with. We love her! Maybe suggest to the sister that she hand out non-food items?

[pam]

You know what, terrorists don't need to bomb America to terrorize Americans. They already are. Sorry, you can't give random kids treats for fear of harming someone. Here's your card. Terrorized. Wear it proudly.

You're right. I live in terror. Terror because of a child that went into a coma for 3 days after eating something they should not have that was handed out in Primary I was one that had handed out something to all the kids as well as a couple of others. I don't ever talk about this because it just brings back nightmares that I have been trying to get rid of. I never knew which food item caused the child to have an allergic reaction. The child was 2 years old in Nursery.

It was years before I could even hand out Halloween candy. I gave out non food items.

So I think you are missing my point about people randomly giving out treats to kids that they don't really know.

I have learned that we get to know kids before we hand out treats. So before you think I know not of what I speak....think again.

Now whether you think that the story of the 99 and one applies I believe it does. It doesn't matter if they are lost. We are looking out for the ONE. We wanted all kids in Primary to enjoy things. So we went out of our way for the one to make sure we provided something to them when we handed out things to all of the other kids so they didn't feel left out.

So telling me here's your terror card wear it proudly is way out of line.

Edited August 25, 2012 by pam

[MorningStar]

My friend's daughter is severely allergic to peanuts and it is a constant worry. The tiniest amount could kill her, so she does live in fear and definitely wouldn't appreciate someone handing out candy without her permission to her daughter.

[Guest]

Parents and children do not get to shirk the responsibility of eating/doing/going in the path of harm to other people. It is their responsibility, not anybody else's. Primary Teachers, School Teachers, other people in leadership positions that parents specifically transfer their responsibility over for that period of time get to share in that responsibility. So yes, if you're in the Primary Presidency, or a Primary Teacher or a Cub Scout leader you get to be careful about handing my kid peanuts, wheat, or any of the gazillion things my kid is allergic to that I've discussed with you before hand. But, no big deal, my kid knows not to take food treats from you and he is comfortable with being "left out" if you forget to prepare a treat for him. It's just part of being a kid with allergies. And yes, if he stops breathing because you happen to wear your favorite sweater full of cat hair, don't beat yourself up over it. He knows what to do in that emergency.

Random people, mall operators, Halloween houses, next-door neighbors, seat mates at church don't carry that responsibility. It is mine and my kid's. But it is great if you're courteous and ask me first before you hand him something. I'm not as worried about him eating it, I don't want to hurt your feelings when my kid says, No, I can't eat that.

And interestingly, his school teacher last year, passed out in the classroom and died not too long after from an allergic reaction to antibiotics. She's never had an allergic reaction in her entire life.

No. We don't live in terror of who might die next. We do our best and let God do the rest.

[classylady]

Back to the original post, I believe even if the sister stops giving out candy, the behavior problems in Primary are not going to suddenly stop. Maybe my belief is erroneous, but I don't believe the small amount of candy this sister is giving out is the root of the behavior problem. The original post never talked about fears of allergies with the children, but the behavior problems that are going on in Primary. Allergy fear is a totally different topic than behavior problems. So, perhaps in getting the sister to stop giving out candy, allergy fears can be brought up, and she perhaps might quit giving out candy. But, is that going to help the behavior problem in Primary? I think not. The parents need to be made aware of the behavior problem. I agree that if the sister gives out candy, the parents should be aware of this. Some parents may be in perfect agreement of having their children accept candy from this sister. Many parents give their own children candy, sugary cereal, etc. in church to keep their children quiet. They even give it to the child who doesn't belong to them, but is sitting next to them on the bench (with an arched eyebrow to the other parent, meaning is this okay?). How can this be stopped? I don't see how it can. And I think most parents are okay with their child accepting a piece of candy from a sister in the ward that the children know.

Edited August 27, 2012 by classylady

[pooter1]

Well no.It will not fix the behavior problems entirely.We are just trying to find ways to better the reverence. Some parents may even ignore the letter and still let them eat sugary treats before coming to us. It will still be their chose but for someone who takes of their child for 2 hours every sunday(without pay might I add) you would think they would want to help us in every way possible to help us out. My children are grown now but if I received a letter like this you bet I would follow it. I was always so thankful for the primary organization and taking care of my children for two hours every sunday while I was enjoying peace and quiet in my classes.

[Misshalfway]

The only thing I don't like is a general letter to everyone. If it's a problem with an individual, I think the problem needs to be handled with the individual. And this is where the fear is cuz everyone is afraid to confront people. Maybe we are scared of offending. Maybe we are afraid of conflict. This letter idea just feels like a way to avoid THIS conversation. So many of our problems would be avoided if we just dealt with things directly.

If the letter is sent to parents in general, it should be sent ONLY to address the behavioral problems at church. Perhaps some reference to avoiding sugary snacks could be included, but that would be a stretch for me. Parents know their kids and most of the time, you tell a parent that their kid is misbehaving and they'll try to do something about it.

I'm not sure I'm buying that all the behavioral issues are caused by this one candy giving lady. Lot's of moms bring granola bars, fruit drinks, and Apple Jacks to sacrament. Like those aren't packed with sugar. I think someone is bugged by this ladies behaviors (I would be too) and they are using the children's behavior problems to justify the objection. Which isn't even needed. The woman needs to stop AND the kids need to behave better. Two problems....two different answers.

[Guest]

Dear parents,

We love your children and want Primary to be a fun and uplifting experience for them. We ask that you please help us maintain a reverent and learning atmosphere in Primary by preparing your children to attend. We encourage you to talk to your children at home about reverence, try to bring them to church well-rested, and do not give them or allow them to accept sugary treats before Primary.

With love,

Your Primary Presidency

There are also things you can and should do as Primary leaders to encourage reverence. I agree that the treats are probably not a large part of the issue. The kids need to learn. I was Primary chorister for a couple of years and the president I was under did some amazing things. Here are some ideas that worked for her:

Reverence Bear (works best for Junior primary)- A small bear is hidden somewhere in sight. As the children come in, they quietly sit with their arms folded and search around the room for the bear. When the meeting starts, ask those who know where Reverence Bear is to raise their hand. Throughout the meeting, a leader quietly puts Reverence Bear under the chair of a quiet child. They may also get a sticker. This was an amazing tool to remind the little ones to stay quiet and alert.

Voice- instead of raising your voice over the noise, speak in a quieter voice. Especially if it looks like something fun is happening, like the instructions to a game, they will learn that they need to keep their voices down to hear what's happening, and not miss anything.

Lights- This one she discovered on accident. She had a bad corneal scratch for a few weeks and was light sensitive. So she kept the lights down. Most rooms around here have 2 sets of lights in the bigger rooms (perimeter canned lights, and the bigger ceiling lights), and she'd only turn the softest set on. Between that and the softer voice, the children naturally stayed calm.

I believe that children will behave just how you teach and expect them to. Teachers need to take responsibility for keeping their class in good behavior. The presidency is responsible to create support and an environment for that to happen. Ultimately parents are responsible to teach their children to behave in church. If they aren't willing or do not do so at home (and we all know that some are just that way), the child becomes their problem. A couple of attempts at correction, and they go to Mom or Dad to deal with so that they won't be disruptive to the rest of the kids.

[pooter1]

Eowyn,Love these ideas.I will try them.